To be annoyed that mother-in-law is doing my kids' Christmas stocking?

[Nickname1980]

Ok first world problem.

This is really bugging me and I think I am being unreasonable but I can't help it!

Anyway. I made my DCs' Christmas stockings this year, a bad knit job, but I'm proud of them as I can't make anything much. Anyway, yesterday, MIL says "oh I found my kids' old stockings! So I'm going to fill them up for your children on Christmas Day. You can hang them at the end of their beds in the morning" blah blah blah.

Immediately I replied "oh thank you" because I was surprised and I am basically a people pleaser and didn't want to say no.

She then said it would bring so much joy to her and her mother (their great granny) to do that together, that they've already started buying the gifts.

Then I told her that I'd already knitted the kids' stockings because I really don't want her to take over. She replied "oh well, these are heirlooms!"

Am I being mean that I don't want her to do their stockings? That she had her chance to do it when her kids were little and that it's my turn now?

She does a lot for us, and tries really hard, and utterly dotes on my DC. Am I just being totally selfish and should I let her do this?

I know. Total first world problems. I wonder if I should just feel lucky that she wants to be so involved?!? But I just feel a bit annoyed that she's trying to take over.

[franincisco]

Its so innocent ( I assume from your mil) but why are people so thoughtless?

I must be living in a parallel universe as it actually has never occurred to me that stockings are from FC, and he can only bring one stocking per child

Thoughtless would be the MIL not bothering to buy anything for her DGC. I honestly don't know how this is such a dramatic, hand wringing, painful event.

[Lesley1980]

Can you not just say this stocking is from granny? Like a stocking of presents instead of a Santa stocking?

[SheldonCRules]

So it's ok when she's doing things for you that suit but when she wants to do something that brings her joy you want to say no?

Yes, she's had her turn but she's also done her parenting and I'm guessing she does childcare. Double standards galore if she does.

[katienana]

It's not about a stocking it's about what it represents. OP I'd feel just as you do, I want to be the one to buy the gifts and create the magic, I would feel trampled on if my MIL tried to take that away from me. The gifts can still be given just not in the stocking, nobody misses out then. It's the Christmas equivalent of the grandmother baking the birthday cake.

[Afternoondelights]

I agree with missingmumxox this is not a big deal at all, why can't your Mil create a bit of magic for her gc? It's a lovely thing for her to do and she's obviously excited about it, why take that away from her?

Let her do the stockings, it's a small part of the whole Christmas festivities!

[Chickoletta]

I'm with Bertrand - a solution that actually makes everyone happy!

[winterisnigh]

if its so lovely why is mil taking this away from op, you simply can't argue how special it is then say its ok for op to step aside for grannies stocking!

I am sorry but bringing dc up is bloody hard work, its a grind most of the time! I am all for GP chipping in, but little things like this or the cake, or advent calenders mean so much to some mothers.

I mean put it this way, lets say down the line I maintain an excellent relationship with DD and she has kids, I decide to do the stocking, DD is wavering in front of me, hesitating, then says " no mum, would you mind terribly if I just do it," instead of graciously stepping back, I start to argue how much it means to me, how much I want to do it. Really, when your dc are parents would you suddenly think its ok to decide to do something usually done by the mother and then argue over it? Make your dc feel guilty? Turn it into a thing? A big deal?

The MIL should have asked the question " Nickname, I have found our old stockings, they are so lovely, I thought perhaps you would like them...."
" no thanks mil in fact I have just knitted my own for the dc, but thanks, let me have a think and see what we can come up with, what about used for decorations perhaps"


dialogue, choice

[ymmv]

MIL could do a stocking for DH still.

[EweAreHere]

I'm always amazed at the number of grandparents who try to take over so much of things like this from the parents, including insisting that everyone must come to them for Christmas. Especially when you know that they themselves refused to do the same when they were raising their own children.

I'm also amazed at the number of people who are afraid to stand up for themselves and their own desires to have their own traditions, celebrate in their own homes, do their own holiday things to bring joy to their children by catering to this.

Sorry, No. Tell her no, you want to do that for your children, just as she did it for hers.

[winterisnigh]

great idea ymmv, perfect solution suggest that op.

[LittlePaintBox]

if Mil loves it so much why hasnt it occured to her, dil may love doing these things for her own dc just. as . much ????????

Who knows? Maybe she's not very empathetic, or a self-centred nightmare.

More likely she's just not considered DiL's point of view at this point, so personally I think it would be better to try and discuss it first rather than deliver an outright ultimatum.

There does seem to be a lot of emotional baggage around the stockings themselves -the 'heirlooms' vs painstakingly hand knitted stockings, which I don't really understand. If someone tried to get me to use a family 'heirloom' I'd refuse on the grounds that I didn't want to be responsible for it.

[winterisnigh]

Especially when you know that they themselves refused to do the same when they were raising their own children

Oh yes! Mils Mil was left alone during old age and was never invited for xmas inspite of being widowed for decades and being alone.

[Bountybarsyuk]

I'd love this, as I don't like doing stockings at all, but you do. I'd try to let them have both really, we've had more than one birthday cake before now, although my mum and MIL are fairly considerate, I don't mind this stuff though, I'm happy for stuff to be 'taken over' as I found having little children very exhausting, so the more people that did stockings/birthday parties/cakes, the better for me.

[elfonshelf]

I had a 'boundary setting' conversation with SMIL last year on this very issue when she joyfully announced that I didn't need to bother doing DD a stocking as she'd already done it.

I have one DD who is 7 and so Father Christmas isn't going to be real anymore pretty soon. She not only has had 3 kids of her own, but has 3 actual grandkids plus 7 step grand-kids.

I told her that stockings were mine and DH's to do, end of story. Didn't go down too well. Compromise was that some of her bits and pieces went into DD's stocking.

Was still a bit annoyed as DD ended up with a HUGE stocking and it made it look like Father Christmas preferred her to her cousins, so she had to open hers before they could see.

[Shelby2010]

On what planet are kids going to question the existence of FC because they get extra presents???

Can't imagine any child sitting there going 'Hmm, there's something suspicious about this extra stocking. The presents are wrapped in different paper, therefore Father Christmas must be a made up fantasy!' Or even 'Hmm, Santa delivered an extra stocking to Granny's house. Shall I ponder whether this contradicts my current information about the Fat Man, or shall I just dive in before someone changes their mind and says they're not for me after all?'

Presumably the whole point about stockings is that it gives the parents an extra half hour in bed on Christmas morning. Two stockings will give you a longer lie-in, what's not to like?!

[LolaTheDarkDestroyer]

You are being over the top let them have both.

[MrGrumpy01]

I still have my old stocking every year, I have the big one and my dh has the small one (and the same for my sisters and bil's) (filled with the presents from my Mum and Dad) They are not exactly heirlooms that are going to disintegrate if used so I am not sure you can refuse on the basis that they might get damage - they may well do, but probably not. She probably just said that a bit tongue in cheek, I would joke ours were heirlooms, just because they are best part of 40 yrs old.

Having read the OP again, she hasn't said you aren't to do a stocking, just she will do one as well, so just say that you feel it will be too much to open/be nice for her to see them do it and the jobs a good 'un.

I still have one of the presents my Nan gave me in one of my stockings, and it must be at least 25yrs ago, I have no idea why I remember that that was from her but I do. There is a way to do this and for everyone to be happy.

[magicgirl74]

Reading some of the posts on here regarding grandparents lately I'm dreading becoming a grandparent myself in the future it seems grandparents can't do right for doing wrong.

[JollyHockeyGits]

YABprettyU tbh - she's doing a really lovely thing and if it gives her and her DM so much joy it's pretty poor form to deny them this! However I would suggest it's an extra stocking at MIL's house, i.e. 'Santa thought it would be nice to fill up Daddy's old stocking with things for you'. There's no need for it to replace the stocking you make.

[BertrandRussell]

You know what? I think this "creating the magic" thing causes so much stress and unhappiness.

The idea of somebody being so obsessed with it that they are prepared upset real life relations rather than accept that Father Christmas might drop off a few presents at somebody else's house is just bonkers. And apar from anything else, doesn't that make him even more magical? That he even knows where granny lives??

OP. Just tell your MIL that the stocking she does can be waiting for the children when they visit her. Don't take them home with you, or let them have anything to do with your Christmas morning or your stockings. Create a new tradition.

[elfonshelf]

Mine didn't want me to do one at all - wasn't even a case of there being two.

Given that we only see them about twice a year - so there is no babysitting etc going on - she wouldn't have a clue what DD even likes/dislikes.

Plenty of kids would notice - DD pointed out that I had managed to buy the same paper that Father Christmas uses when I had wrapped just one other gift in some of the stocking paper. She was 5 at the time. Am now v careful to buy separate lots and not mix them!

[PopGoesTheWeaz]

WOWkidslook!Santahasfilledtheseaswell!!!Didhegetconfused?*
I think statetrooperstacey has the best compromise. love it.

[PortiaFinis]

Personally I think having two stockings might dilute it a bit but it obviously works for some - I think the MIL should consider her DIL feelings.

I agree with everyone who said the MIL should be asked nicely to not do this. It would really never occur to me to do my grandchildren's stockings (should I ever have them) as I would be their grandparent and not their parent - just like I wouldn't arrange their vaccinations or dental appointments. I don't think Grandparents should cherry pick.

To the person who said grandparents can't do right for doing wrong I think that's not true - just think about whether your child and child-in-law might be happy with you doing something and if you don't know, ask - just like any other relationship.

[BertrandRussell]

"Plenty of kids would notice - DD pointed out that I had managed to buy the same paper that Father Christmas uses when I had wrapped just one other gift in some of the stocking paper. She was 5 at the time. Am now v careful to buy separate lots and not mix them!"

So he uses different paper for the stockings at Granny's house. And yes, two stockings on the same day would be a bit bonkers. But on different days? No problem.

[Xmasbaby11]

It's up to you if you tell MIL she can't do it. Personally I'd be more than happy for another family member to do something like that. DH and I both work, we have 2dc, we are busy, masses of presents to buy and cards to write and will be buying the kids other Xmas presents, not just stockings. We will see the dc every day opening their advent calendars, decorating the tree, getting excited. I wouldn't begrudge someone else wanting to do the stockings. It is sweet she is excited and her mum is too. I imagine they have more time on their hands than you and would enjoy it.