To be annoyed that mother-in-law is doing my kids' Christmas stocking?

[Nickname1980]

Ok first world problem.

This is really bugging me and I think I am being unreasonable but I can't help it!

Anyway. I made my DCs' Christmas stockings this year, a bad knit job, but I'm proud of them as I can't make anything much. Anyway, yesterday, MIL says "oh I found my kids' old stockings! So I'm going to fill them up for your children on Christmas Day. You can hang them at the end of their beds in the morning" blah blah blah.

Immediately I replied "oh thank you" because I was surprised and I am basically a people pleaser and didn't want to say no.

She then said it would bring so much joy to her and her mother (their great granny) to do that together, that they've already started buying the gifts.

Then I told her that I'd already knitted the kids' stockings because I really don't want her to take over. She replied "oh well, these are heirlooms!"

Am I being mean that I don't want her to do their stockings? That she had her chance to do it when her kids were little and that it's my turn now?

She does a lot for us, and tries really hard, and utterly dotes on my DC. Am I just being totally selfish and should I let her do this?

I know. Total first world problems. I wonder if I should just feel lucky that she wants to be so involved?!? But I just feel a bit annoyed that she's trying to take over.

There are so many people saying that those of us that would be upset by it are being petty.

But you are all people that wouldn't mind if it happened to you. At the end of the day the OP was upset by it and so she should be able to say something.

Wanting to keep something special to yourselves that is important to you is not unreasonable or petty, it is your choice.

It is very rare that anyone wants to "share" the delights of being shat on at 3am, staying up all night to soothe a colicy baby, discipline a feral toddler or clean the fucking kitchen and paying for childcare.

if someone wants to share all that crap first then fair enough, feel obliged to let them share a few of the special moments but just because someone wants to be part of the fun stuff doesn't mean you have to let them.

I'm not going to teach my children that just because they want to do something or be part of something that someone else is doing they can assume they can be. They should ask nicely and hope they are invited, if they are told no, well suck it up. Find another way or being part of it or something else to do.

If I bring my children up to expect to hear no as an answer and accept it why should I not be prepared/allowed to say it to another adult?

What a fascinating thread of divided opinions! The power relationship between MILs and DILs is always difficult. My daughters, SILs and their children come here for Christmas (their choice - they invite themselves). I'm happy to let them do Christmas their way. There are only a few years while their children are young and I want them to enjoy it - just as I did- but not necessarily in the same style. Happy family relationships are about being generous hearted. The material stuff doesn't matter one bit. Maybe if your MIL could see some of the reactions on here she might understand. Hope you have a lovely Christmas.

YANBU it is your turn now BUT please do allow your kids to have both to give joy to a whole bunch of people. Yours can be Christmas day and the granny and great granny can be Boxing day or whenever.

Please do not let this spoil your fun, you are their mum and the main person in their lives, the granny and great granny cannot replace you and it was a nice gesture.

OP has decided to give both (way back in the thread).

Milly, I agree with you.
'They've had their turn... I'd go ape shit... They are my bubs...'
Possessive, aggressive nonsense. Over a stocking? Really? Massively over the top.
This is definitely on of the mil threads that makes me nervous to be a granny. So mil gets over excited about Xmas? A lot of people do... Reign her in... Do it in a nice way... Use your common sense. Problem solved.

Wow so much anger at someone who just wants to give gifts to their grandchildren.

OP have you thought about what your children would actually want?

Perhaps to them in their innocence they are just happy to have gifts on Christmas Day from all of their family.

I'm sure there is an adult compromise here. Can't believe that giving gifts has become such a matter of control, one upmanship and competition. Would you rather she didn't give them then? She clearly feels she is just being traditional and carrying that on.

Just remember ladies with sons who perpetuate the MIL - you one day maybe in the same position yourselves with DIL. Is this the way to take the relationship forward?

have you thought about what your children would actually want?

Children want more, more and then some more. They're suckers for consumerism, I find.

Hey.

What we as a family do is all presents in the living room all opened as a family together.

Could you adopt a new tradition like this or similar?

I agree though, I'd feel pretty furious, they are your kids, she's had hers. But, if she's at yours on the big day it can cause bad feelings whatever happens

Good luck, not an easy one.
Ohhhh. Orrrrr, get dh to tackle her, it's his mom!

So much anger at someone who just wants to give gifts to their grandchildren

They can give gifts - from themselves - why make it about Santa?

MIL always took all the labels off the gifts and hid them (sent them to Santa to deliver) so all gifts were from Santa - no thanks from DC for Aunties and Uncles etc

We place people gifts under the tree - Santa brings a few bits PJs pens etc -

People do it differently - MIL was most upset we gave our children gifts from family as family presents

gotthearse "I'd be fucking grateful personally. You are being a twat about this."
In a surprisingly divisive thread, you're the only one coming off as a 'twat'. Well done.

And glad it all worked out so nicely for the OP.

The OP seems to have a resolution that works for her, which is great. But different families do things in different ways, and when you start your own family it's nice to be able to develop your own traditions. We don't do Santa, but we do stockings (which I didn't have as a child), and it's something I really enjoyed. So did my children, enough that they insisted we went on doing them, and now they give us stockings too.

The fun surely is waking up and feeling the weight of the filled stocking where it was empty when you went to bed? It only happens once a year, and it's special.

My parents were more of the Christmas divas, insisting that it was always at their house and done in their way. My elder siblings, and especially their partners found it very difficult. It's not about 'whose turn' it is, but about finding a new role at Christmas reflecting that things do change.

Given that the OP announced a pleasant compromise many pages ago, a lot of these recent posts completely ignoring that fact appear to be the work of the 'controversial' thread-bots that seem to part of the new MN-DailyMail tie-in.

Liney- no daily fail tie in here- just someone that didn't happen to have the time to read through each and every post and see OPs compromise nested in the 11 pages the thread has generated. Also reading on a phone doesn't help either. So really responding to originally post not follow up. It's great she has found a compromise.

Totally get why you don't want her to do that. We had the same issue when our children were born. She used to do her own stocking "because Father Christmas stops at her house for the children too". They were huge and she bought way too much. I let this go on for a while and then 3rd year I mentioned it would be better if she called them "nanny stockings" and they would be much smaller as the kids will start to ask questions. Father Xmas presents/stocking is strictly done where they live/sleep. It's a good compromise.

Tazo5153.

Being up in the middle of the night with a sick child is part and parcel of being a parent. You love them just as much when they are being sick at 3am. I'm just wondering why you choose to have children as I get the impression you thought it was going to be all fun. Some of it is, you just take the rough with the smooth and don't complain.

Some of it is about control, being in control of every situation with little or no concern about how the other person feels. I am lucky in having 2 sets of doting grandparents who love my 2 boys and I would never upset them or be unkind. Try being nice, it's really not hard.

Why make an issue out of a Christmas stocking, after all you're the one there on Christmas morning and not the granny so you can make sure your Christmas stocking is the one they open first. You should try talking face to face with the granny instead of on here where the reviews are so mixed you won't be any the wiser. Unless granny is very thick she will understand. Also, ask yourself why you are a 'people pleaser'. Sometimes you just have to say how you feel.

Nannieann.

So your daughters and SiL's come to you every year. What about the other granny, where does she go every Christmas or did you ever even wonder?.
I'm just wondering!.

Just remember ladies with sons who perpetuate the MIL - you one day maybe in the same position yourselves with DIL. Is this the way to take the relationship forward?

No its not.
You try not to guilt or put other people in a difficult position. You ask, you suggest you keep an open dialogue where its easy to say what you feel in terms of yes or no.
" I found these old stockings, would you like them, shall we use them at our house, what shall we say about santa though? would you like them for decoration, i was thinking of filling them but maybe you wouldn't want that?" and so on. Easy Peasy.

Some of it is about control, being in control of every situation with little or no concern about how the other person feels

Yes your right! My Mil would dominate everything if we let her, christmas on a different day her way, she would happily host, do cakes and take over dc birthday, education even, she already changes them as soon as they get to her house changes their hair styles, and pulls a frown at everything we do.She has no concern or cares how we the parents feel at all.
I am lucky in having 2 sets of doting grandparents who love my 2 boys and I would never upset them or be unkind. Try being nice, it's really not hard

Oh I see, so your one of the lucky ones are you well great for you!

^^ My Mil actually blushed and stuttered one day when I said jokingly to them " shall we get the adoption papers and sign them over to you now?" and gave fil a shifty look.

This may sound ridiculous (especially given that I have contributed to another thread in which I confessed to giving my DD a pony for Christmas) but I genuinely don't want my children to be showered with a lot of stuff. I would rather grandparents took them to a panto (if they want to), bought a warm winter coat, or if all the family contributed to a big gift that we as parents know the child is ready for. Those all seem like very meaningful ways to express love and be part of family life to me.

My grandparents always used to give us 'stockings' as part of our Christmas gift, we loved it! Just tell her something like 'ooh sorry, I have the Christmas Eve stockings from Santa sorted, but I know they'll love to get a stocking from Grandma too!'

YANBU. Christmas stockings are a precious memory from my own childhood, and now with my old children too. I love getting creative and finding the bits to go in them. You're the parent, you get that privilege! Don't let it slide this year or she will want to do it every year.

Awalkinthepark - what tazo said made sense to me. I don't think she is saying that the hard parts should not be part of being a parent, nor that it should all be fun. What I got from her post was this - there are plenty of tough, smelly, not fun parts of being a parent - and there are fun parts too - including doing the stockings for your children, and maybe doing the fun parts is what balances out the hard part for the parents. So if someone else is taking the fun stuff away and doing it themselves, what is left for the parents? Just the hard bits.

I do get what it is like having domineering in laws or parents (my own parents are superbly controlling, given half a chance). However, there are ways of dealing with it without going to war over very trivial things such as labelling presents "from Santa" etc. I consider myself to be quite an assertive person but I really can't be arsed to get worked up over minutiae as some people on here seem to do. How do you manage to get on with people in real life if such small things cause such huge angst?

Exactly Marynary.
I think they have to remember that there ate truely horrible mil and Gp out there (my DM and us to put up with one) so a much rather have a second stocking than being beaten for something that wasnt your fault.