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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that mother-in-law is doing my kids' Christmas stocking?

304 replies

Nickname1980 · 19/11/2016 21:52

Ok first world problem.

This is really bugging me and I think I am being unreasonable but I can't help it!

Anyway. I made my DCs' Christmas stockings this year, a bad knit job, but I'm proud of them as I can't make anything much. Anyway, yesterday, MIL says "oh I found my kids' old stockings! So I'm going to fill them up for your children on Christmas Day. You can hang them at the end of their beds in the morning" blah blah blah.

Immediately I replied "oh thank you" because I was surprised and I am basically a people pleaser and didn't want to say no.

She then said it would bring so much joy to her and her mother (their great granny) to do that together, that they've already started buying the gifts.

Then I told her that I'd already knitted the kids' stockings because I really don't want her to take over. She replied "oh well, these are heirlooms!"

Am I being mean that I don't want her to do their stockings? That she had her chance to do it when her kids were little and that it's my turn now?

She does a lot for us, and tries really hard, and utterly dotes on my DC. Am I just being totally selfish and should I let her do this?

I know. Total first world problems. I wonder if I should just feel lucky that she wants to be so involved?!? But I just feel a bit annoyed that she's trying to take over.

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 20/11/2016 20:56

"Or you could make people happy. Just a thought."

Bitofacow - what about the OP? Who is thinking about her happiness? Why should she have to be unhappy so her MIL can muscle in and do something she's already done with her children?

There are other ways the MIL can spoil her grandchildren, but only a very few years where the OP can do stockings for her children while they still believe. That matters to her - her feelings matter too.

bruffin · 20/11/2016 20:59

The op can do her own stocking and still have MIL,nobody is stopping her doing her own.

Bitofacow · 20/11/2016 21:05

We have no idea of the Mils story. No idea.

What matters is peace, love, joy to mankind. Seriously.

All this 'I want' ' she shouldn't' 'what about me/her/you?'nonsense. Really people? How old are we?

Get a grip. She wants to do something nice. Let her. Do one yourself, compromise, make extra, does it matter?

What matters, is safety, love and people who care for you. Bottom line.

Is it better to give than receive? Give a bit of tolerance, work with mil to make it work for everyone.

HeCantBeSerious · 20/11/2016 21:13

We don't hang stockings or do FC. The kids get a stocking each which gets left on the ends of their beds and a few gifts (following the 4 gift poem) from us. My mum did stockings for us until we were 30 and was upset when asked to stop. I let her do a second stocking for them which they have when we visit for our Xmas meal (we don't celebrate anything on 25th dec). It's actually a good way to stop her going OTT about all the Xmas shit buying. She only has the size of a stocking to fill rather than a sack. It doesn't get hung or attributed to FC there either.

PIL on the other hand get them fuck all but shower gifts on their other, more local GC. I'll let you work out which approach the kids prefer........

grannytomine · 20/11/2016 21:16

I just wanted to say to all the people saying grandmother did her kids stockings that I never did them for mine. They had big presents by the fire and weren't allowed in there till we all came down. So I've never done a stocking, tell me what you have to do, what is vital and I can have a strop about doing them for my GC. Actually don't worry, I've got plenty of other stuff to do.

MakeItStopNeville · 20/11/2016 21:22

I agree with everything Bitofacow says. Does that make me a bit of a cow too?! Wink

I'm also wondering if the reason the OP hasn't returned is because she's too busy making Mega Stockings so she wins Xmas. Or if she just fancied lighting the annual MNet stocking torchpaper.

slenderisthenight · 20/11/2016 21:27

work with mil to make it work for everyone.

You know, some MILs will milk that idea to drain everyone else's creativity, initiative and pleasure right out of Christmas. It's great advice but to work with someone, they need to be working with you. Context is everything.

Mama1980 · 20/11/2016 21:30

Mil wants to do something nice, why not let her. This whole creating magic thing can go far to far. Love and care is what matters. Pop mil stocking under the tree or just give two I don't see the issue.
I remember as a child my nan and grandad always used to bring the most incredible presents, not necessarily expensive but the thing we wanted more than any other. As an adult my mum told me she deliberately let them give the best gifts every year because they were so so excited about it. Did we love mum less or was she undermined....no. Nor did it affect our belief in Santa Santa just delivered to nan s instead because he knew how much she loved us. The year she got us all beanbags I remember she cried she was so happy to see us so happy. Memories like that stay with you forever,
Adults are arguing here over who gets to love and show that love and care at Christmas for their children/grandchildren -lucky lucky children.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 20/11/2016 21:30

"What matters is peace, love and joy to everyone."

Except the OP, of course, Bitofacow. Hmm

slenderisthenight · 20/11/2016 21:32

Well, perhaps that's a bit over the top. To rephrase, some MILs will insist on everything being done the way they want and in their minds, that is working with them and the only way to work with them. And everything they want can usually be justified as doing something 'nice' for someone else because it's Christmas and giving gifts is great fun and you'd be mean to say no... But there aren't a limitless number of gifts that can be given at Christmas without overkill, over giving, overshadowing of lesser presents from parents who perhaps don't have the disposable income that their parents do...it's more complicated than 'be nice and let everyone else be nice'. A GP stocking that makes a parents' stocking look a bit rubbish in comparison isn't worth it. Treating your children at Christmas is a special part of having children.

Original poster
Nickname1980 · 21/11/2016 10:53

Wow I can't believe how many responses this got!

I have read every single one of them. Thank you for your replies!!

I have decide to take loads of your advice and just have two stockings.

My tradition was that Santa brought your stocking but - after asking my DH - his was presents from his parents and Santa left a gift under the fireplace. So it seems that my MIL didn't realise how excited I got (erm, get!!!) by stockings.

So we're doing one from Santa, one from Granny and Great Granny.

I feel a lot better about it! (And as some of you said - I need to remember that we're v lucky that we have family who are as excited about doing stuff for our kids as we are!)

OP posts:
Marynary · 21/11/2016 11:08

But there aren't a limitless number of gifts that can be given at Christmas without overkill, over giving, overshadowing of lesser presents from parents who perhaps don't have the disposable income that their parents do...it's more complicated than 'be nice and let everyone else be nice'.

But that is what is so great about grandparents giving presents "from father Christmas". They don't even get the credit.

I wonder whether anyone with older children or teenagers actually considers spending money on children's present as the "fun part" of Christmas. I see it as one of the miseries of Christmas and I'm totally happy to share the experience with anyone who wants to.

slenderisthenight · 21/11/2016 13:16

Is not about getting the credit at all. It's about enjoying what you have.

slenderisthenight · 21/11/2016 13:17

And yes that's fine for you if you don't care but for those who do, it's different..

BertrandRussell · 21/11/2016 13:21

"You know, some MILs will milk that idea to drain everyone else's creativity, initiative and pleasure right out of Christmas"

Is it just MILs who do this? And do they just do it to the people they are MILs to? What about people they are mothers and grannys and daughters and friends to? How does it work?

slenderisthenight · 21/11/2016 13:47

What can happen: Women who are in the older generation have to be careful because their traditional role in the family has set them up for higher expectations than are reasonable as a gp.

They have been 'in charge' for most of their lives and may have come to feel it is their right (hence getting upset when their plans aren't followed). Where they were once organising and serving the family to perform a genuine task, now the temptation is to organise to get what they want. Because ' it's always been this way ' and now, with children grown, it is what's left. Unfortunately no excuse for getting what you want disproportionately often is ever going be justified when there are other mothers in the picture caring for dependents whose needs should come first and who cannot easily compromise.

So people can act selfishly anywhere in the family dynamic and everyone needs to be prepared to compromise but it's particularly hard for Mil to do so sometimes because their 'norm' has been bossing everyone about in a way that originally supported her own children but has gradually come to mean something else .

Marynary · 21/11/2016 14:21

Is not about getting the credit at all. It's about enjoying what you have.

Then why would "overshadowing of lesser presents from parents who perhaps don't have the disposable income that their parents do" be an issue?

Huldra · 21/11/2016 15:41

Nickname

Good to hear that you have a solution Smile

My childhood tradition was like yours, Santa comes to your house and fills the one stocking, which are opened on waking up. All other presents came from the person who gave it. So doing the stocking was a special fun thing for me to do as a parent, it was something between parents and kids usually in their own space. I would have been confused if my mother or mil decided give me one already done.

If I had grown up with a scatty Santa, who under the influence of too much brandy, left stockings and presents all over the bloody place Grin My mil giving my child a stocking would seem unremarkable.

My mil used to give mine presents in a santa sack, she told them they were from her, they just happened to be wrapped like a stocking would. To one of her other nephews she said that Santa had left them at her house. She managed to do this whist we were all visiting at the same time.

myfavouritecolourispurple · 21/11/2016 15:48

My MIL did a stocking for ds. Is there a reason why the kids can't have more than one? He knew it was from her, rather than from Santa.

winterisnigh · 21/11/2016 15:55

It's great advice but to work with someone, they need to be working with you. Context is everything

I couldnt agree more.

It far harder to work with someone who looks down their nose at everything you do, undermines your parenting at every opportunity, treats your DH, their own son as a massive looser of the family who cant get anything right ( including the bride/wife/mother of GC) and who treat everything you do with disdain. And turns everything into a massive competition.

Op I am glad you feel you are happy with this resolution!

winterisnigh · 21/11/2016 16:00

Is it just MILs who do this? And do they just do it to the people they are MILs to?

  1. you cant throw all mils into one pot, there are plenty of lovely considerate kind ones out there, we even have some on here usually saying they would never dream of behaving like the mils in all the ops
  2. it depends on so many things but there are classic similarities in the ops where mils have issues, and yes they do seem to be classic house wife types who see their dils as lazy, not caring for their sons properly and they seem to be mils who actually dont have great relations with their sons and who lack boundaries, and cant understand the son has a wife, and a new life now.
bruffin · 21/11/2016 16:08

There is an awful lot of projecting on this thread.

Mumsy6216 · 21/11/2016 17:37

I think it's a very hard one. You don't want to hurt her feelings but at the same time it is absolutely your job to be the Mum. I think that the people who have said to do both are right. Do you have a fireplace? Could one set, maybe Mil's go over the fireplace and yours on their beds or vice versa?Christmas is such an emotional time and to be honest for the sake of your kids having a few extra treats, I would say: keep everyone happy.

Sparklyglitter · 21/11/2016 17:38

Can't they have yours at your house and MIL's at hers? Or some other similar solution? Well done you for making your own how lovely! Smile

pollymere · 21/11/2016 17:44

You might want to use the old ones but you get to fill them. It's not their kids and they can't spoil it for you. Maybe they could donate their gifts to bump it up but you need to be kind yet firm.