AIBU to expect my MIL to rearrange lunch

[clarevouwebb]

About 3 weeks ago my MIL said she would like to arrange a family lunch before Christmas with us, her DD & family and her sister & nieces as we won't be spending Christmas together. We said we thought it was a great idea and mil suggested going for a meal somewhere near to where they live which is about 50 min drive from us. We agreed on a date.

About a week ago mil tells dh that she had a text from one of dh cousins suggesting we all go round there for lunch in their new home. Mil agreed to this but said she hadn't read the message properly . This cousin lives at least a 2 hour drive away from us & we have a 6 month old baby. Dh & I agreed that we don't want to spend at least 4 hours in the car in one day with the baby & would rather go somewhere that's relatively convenient for everyone. Dh explained this to mil but she seems reluctant to explain this to the cousin because she already 'accidentally' agreed to it, even though Dh said that we wouldn't go if it's at the cousins house. I'm very annoyed as we were the first ones to agree to this lunch & were looking forward to it and now we are the ones not going because mil thinks it can't be changed. I appreciate that we could do the drive if we really had to but driving for 4 hours wasn't part of the original plan. Aibu to expect mil to rearrange the location so that we can also go even if it means annoying the cousin a bit?

There is a saying Americans think 200 years is a long time and the British think 200 miles is a long way. This is a one off chance for the family to meet the baby, so what if it messes with nap time? Presumably OP is still on maternity leave so can catch up on sleep following a bad night caused by travelling.

Ring your cousin- explain baby doesnt travel well yet and wish everyone a happy xmas offering to host next year. Send a bottle of fizz for the day as a gesture of goodwill. Only the cousin/host of the dinner needs to know for catering numbers. Family meal will continue without you just fine !

Not read whole thread. If you really want to go (you said you were so looking forward to it) then go. If the length of the drive is a pita then don't. It really is that simple. Tbh being in someone's home will be a lot easier than in a resaurant should the wee one be unsettled.The fact that you said yes first is totally irrelevant.

"Only the cousin/host of the dinner needs to know for catering numbers. Family meal will continue without you just fine !"
So the dh's mother turns up to discover that her son,dil and grandson aren't there?

Why do people think that's OK to be so unkind?

If you want to go and you don't have a baby that hates the car then go.

If you want to go but either your baby is a terrible traveller or neither you nor your DH can face the drive then politely decline.

But 2 hours is not an outrageously long journey for a lot of people and plenty of us would be fine doing it so maybe keep that in mind when dealing with your MIL. (And I say that as someone who had a baby that yelled in the car.)

Also something to think about for the long term is that children who are used to going out and about become good at being flexible and getting on with things cheerfully. I think it is a useful skill for them to have and it teaches them that they are not everyone's focus all the time.
I know your child is only a baby so not really at that age yet but it will come around very quickly.

in my experience it's good to accustom tots to being in the car as they'll end up being good little passengers then as they get older.

'Accustom' is a wonderful euphemism for adults doing something they want to do which they know will overwhelm their child.

Research shows that children learn least under stress so if you want them to be 'accustomed' to the car, build up the journey length slowly, always keeping it to what the child can handle without becoming distressed. Children don't get accustomed to things that they associate with being bewildered, hungry, bored, cramped and overtired.

There are many, many things that babies have to put up with. They have to go places they don't want to go frequently and my baby often wails disconsolately while I'm preparing a meal. Yes, he has to put up with it but it is not consequence-free for him and I have to ensure he doesn't become unreasonably distressed. IMO he spends more than enough time not being the focus of my world - there is no need for me to dream up
excuses for doing things that will cause him distress, exhaustion and a degree of pain in order to give adults a little extra pleasure.

Adults are supposed to be kind to their children and to respect other parents when they choose to put their children's needs ahead of their own desires. Adults are the people who should get a grip and learn to take minor disappointments on the chin. Babies are tiny and have no way of rationalising a routine gone haywire or putting it into perspective with the thought that this colicky, sleepless night will be a thing or the past in a few days.

IMO, relatives don't actually want distressed young children at their gatherings. They don't really know what they're signing up for when they insist on a baby's appearance.

When it comes to family gatherings, I have always said I'll come if I can, meaning I'll come if I can do so without cost to the children. That has always been fine and as much as I'd be sorry to disappoint relatives, they are welcome to visit here so I wouldn't give a fiddler's fart if it wasn't. DH is a big boy and can get himself into the car and down the road to see people if he wants to. Not that he'd bother.

YANBU about your MiL changing arrangements without checking with you first.

On the plus side though, it will be less stressful being in someone's house than in a restaurant - comfy chairs and you'll probably be there for longer. Cheaper probably too. Unless your DD is a terrible traveller, I'd go.

I'm in the "I'd go" camp. I'd rather travel further for a more personal, friendlier meal at a family member's house, where children can run around and people can sit and relax after the meal and that would be cheaper for people. Perhaps they thought they were doing something nice, not simply changing things without telling you?

Anyway, if you don't feel up to it, I think you should have a chat with the cousin personally, tell them you think it's a bit too far for baby (even thought it's really the parents that it's too far for!) and that you don't want to travel further than the original restaurant. DON'T drag MIL into it and mention that she's made a booboo or doesn't want to upset them.. Then either the cousin says "oh fine, we'll go back to plan A then, or if not, your husband really ought to go on his own to see his family and you could rearrange another meal out with MiL where you organise everything and choose venues.

I wouldn't do a 4 hour round trip for lunch with anyone! Sounds bonkers to me.