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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect my MIL to rearrange lunch

159 replies

clarevouwebb · 18/11/2016 22:42

About 3 weeks ago my MIL said she would like to arrange a family lunch before Christmas with us, her DD & family and her sister & nieces as we won't be spending Christmas together. We said we thought it was a great idea and mil suggested going for a meal somewhere near to where they live which is about 50 min drive from us. We agreed on a date.

About a week ago mil tells dh that she had a text from one of dh cousins suggesting we all go round there for lunch in their new home. Mil agreed to this but said she hadn't read the message properly Hmm. This cousin lives at least a 2 hour drive away from us & we have a 6 month old baby. Dh & I agreed that we don't want to spend at least 4 hours in the car in one day with the baby & would rather go somewhere that's relatively convenient for everyone. Dh explained this to mil but she seems reluctant to explain this to the cousin because she already 'accidentally' agreed to it, even though Dh said that we wouldn't go if it's at the cousins house. I'm very annoyed as we were the first ones to agree to this lunch & were looking forward to it and now we are the ones not going because mil thinks it can't be changed. I appreciate that we could do the drive if we really had to but driving for 4 hours wasn't part of the original plan. Aibu to expect mil to rearrange the location so that we can also go even if it means annoying the cousin a bit?

OP posts:
BackforGood · 19/11/2016 22:45

If it was that bad the OP wouldn't have wanted to do the initial hour's drive

Exactly what I was going to say. Not saying that nobody's baby can't travel in a car, but most can, and - if your baby were one of the ones that really struggles, then they would struggle for the initial journey which OP had agreed to.
It's got to be FAR more flexible to spend the day at someone's house than to go to a restaurant. If the cousin were stupid enough to have precious about new cream carpets, then they wouldn't be inviting so many extended family in the first place.
I can't believe how many people are backing the OP's idea of preventing dh's extended family spending time with their newest family member. Imagine the reaction if it were the other way round Hmm

Cheby · 19/11/2016 22:47

It depends on the baby really and how she is in the car. My DD hated every fucking minute of being in the car. Screamed constantly, was hugely distressed, got all overheated and sweaty, would eventually be sick. Right up to about 18 months when she finally found an interest in Peppa Pig and would watch an iPad.

We used to have to make a 4 hour journey once a month to see family, same back again. I used to have to feed her to sleep at bedtime and then ninja her into the car seat, get in the car and pray she wouldn't wake up before we got there. If she woke we would have to stop (neither DH nor I could concentrate on motorway driving at night with constant hysterical screaming) and spend hours walking, feeding and settling g before we could set off again. Many times we arrived at 2am or later, and once I spent 90 minutes walking round a random housing estate in the midlands at midnight desperately trying to calm DD becuae it was as the only place we could find to stop.

So, if your baby is like mine was then definitely stay at home!

coconutpie · 19/11/2016 23:12

YANBU at all. A 2 hour trip each way just for lunch with a 6 month old? No way in hell would I agree to that. Cancel.

Ruthiesj · 19/11/2016 23:18

All the posters saying two hours is nothing because their baby slept for long journeys, or they commute further, or they travel seven hours to buy a pint of milk, etc. miss quite a big point: this isn't you and your family travelling!

Surely we can all appreciate that every baby is different! I have a six month old at the moment and know several others. Some can handle a long journey easily and will sleep, others, like my DD unfortunately, cannot. It doesn't matter if we time the journey to coincide with nap time or bed time; whether I sit in the back next to her, or out of sight in the front; whether we sing nursery rhymes, play white noise or anything else. An hour in the car is DD's absolute limit. Any longer and we will have angry, sweaty, teary screaming. It's horrible!

The OP knows what kind of baby she has. Oh and the posters saying travelling two hours with a six month old is nothing compared to a toddler, etc. are just being totally patronising.

YANBU to be annoyed about the change of plan.

YANBU to choose not to go

YABU to ask your MIL to rearrange though (she should have discussed this with you though).

BertrandRussell · 19/11/2016 23:22

The baby concerned obviously isn't a dreadful traveler (and I know some are) or they wouldn't have been happy with the 1 hour journey.

slenderisthenight · 19/11/2016 23:47

Posters saying the baby obviously isn't a dreadful traveller if they can manage the 50 minutes don't seem to get that 2 hours is over twice as long and some babies hit a 'no further' point at about an hour. This seems like common sense to me and certainly anyone I know who has a baby doesn't think 'Well I can drive for thirty minutes so two hours is a breeze'.

One of my babies was a perfect traveller until you tried to go more than fifty miles, whereupon she turned into a screaming banshee and we found ourselves indefinitely marooned in motorway service stations.

From a selfish point of view, I would be thinking that two fifty minute bursts of nap time would not completely screw up the night's sleep - but four hours sleep would result in a crying baby all night and an exhausted baby all the next day. Or in the case of another child of mine who wouldn't nap in the car but who was a great traveller, an overtired baby.

The poster who commented that this relative wouldn't be inviting lots of people back to her house if she cared dreadfully about her new carpets has clearly never met my grandmother, who sat my three year old down with a crystal goblet she cared about deeply and an heirloom tablecloth which is probably why I'm overinvested in this thread

Whoever first said 'babies are portable' on mumsnet have a lot to answer for. I believed it and found it to be a bit of a myth because the routine tends not to be portable.

BlackeyedSusan · 19/11/2016 23:56

a one hour drive could take well over two hours when dd was little. depends on how well you dc travels I wouldbe pissed off at the change in arrangements though without consultation.

choose to go or not. if they get the hump, they should not have changed without checking it was ok first.

Haudyerwheesht · 20/11/2016 00:21

You're being a bit precious tbh. Dd hated the car seat when she was little. We still had to go places and we live a good distance from family so it wAs a regular occurrence. The drive wasn't s pleasant experience but it was worth it.

WiltingTulip · 20/11/2016 00:38

I think it's best to assume when making a general Christmas plan that involves 15 people from different families who aren't with you that plans will change subject to everyone's availability etc.

WiltingTulip · 20/11/2016 00:39

And can you confirm that if you don't attend you won't see any of dh's family for Christmas?

sorenipples · 20/11/2016 08:58

Can DH go without you and baby? Is that a viable compromise?

swelchphr · 20/11/2016 17:47

YANBU. My babies hated long car rides too, so I completely understand, not to mention it messes with nap times. I wouldn't go either. I think they are BU not to understand your situation with a small child (especially since this is a change in plans).

Craigie · 20/11/2016 18:16

Give it a miss. A house is a better idea with a young baby rather than a restaurant, but 4 hours in the car would be fairly shit unless you can time your drive around nap times.

happypoobum · 20/11/2016 18:31

YANBU to not go.

However, Your thread title asks if YABU expecting MIL to rearrange to suit you. I think in this respect YABU. If it suits the majority then that is fine.

MrsC45 · 20/11/2016 18:59

Coconut pie. I'm with you 4 hours in the car for lunch. No frigging way! My baby is 4 months old we don't travel anywhere that doesn't fit in with her sleeps. So an hours drive max, or somewhere we can stay overnight and long drives when she'd be asleep. Nothing unreasonable about putting your baby and your sanity ahead of your MIL feeling a tad embarrassed.

ridingsixwhitehorses · 20/11/2016 19:02

Yanbu. Long drives with some babies not fun.

Jessikita · 20/11/2016 20:29

I think it's very rude of the MIL. From what you've said the arrangement was already in place. You had agreed to meet on this date, at said restaurant at this time.

To change that is rude. If she made a genuine mistake by automatically replying to the cousin then she needs to grow a spine and explain to them she is very sorry she has double booked and she already has arrenagements with you.

Nothing to do with your baby travelling etc

Postchildrenpregranny · 20/11/2016 22:22

Am probably not the best person to comment as once did a six hour drive alone with 5m old baby (in a Mini and in the days before mobiles too)
The journey wouldn't not be an issue for me (?most people ?)but then my DPs would never have seen my children if I wasn't prepared to drive for 2.5 hours each way to see them .
As for changing the lunch venue I'd go with the flow.Can you not time it so the baby sleeps ?

Xmasbaby11 · 20/11/2016 23:25

Yabu I think. We did similar drives with both our two at that age and it wasn't an issue. At that age it doesn't matter how much or how often they nap, and it's much easier in someone's home.

I do think 6 months is an easy age for travel and getting out and about so I'd try to get used to doing it now.

Of course I'm only basing this on my own experience. We used to drive up to 6 hours in a day to go on holiday and as long as you break the journey it's fine.

Lovingit81 · 20/11/2016 23:40

Good grief don't go! Long journey with a smal baby equals STRESS! Think about yourselves. I don't care what anyone else says I would never have driven that far with a small baby. You should be cuddling them,not trekking across the county to see random family xxx

liletsthepink · 20/11/2016 23:45

Op, YANBU. If your baby doesn't like long car journeys it is fine to politely refuse the invitation.

All those pp who say it isn't a problem - have you ever actually travelled in a car with a baby screaming at top volume for an hour or two?

CountessWindyBottom · 21/11/2016 04:34

If it was a twelve hour trip I'd say perhaps but it's a mere two-hour trip and in my experience it's good to accustom tots to being in the car as they'll end up being good little passengers then as they get older.

supermumtotherescue · 21/11/2016 05:25

YABU. Babies sleep really well in cars and your MIL is in a difficult position. She just wants to get the family together...

pklme · 21/11/2016 05:54

I think it was rude of them to change plans, invite other people, without consulting you. I would ask if you can still do the other thing, too.

BertrandRussell · 21/11/2016 06:02

"random family"-

Aka "family"

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