AIBU to expect my MIL to rearrange lunch

[clarevouwebb]

About 3 weeks ago my MIL said she would like to arrange a family lunch before Christmas with us, her DD & family and her sister & nieces as we won't be spending Christmas together. We said we thought it was a great idea and mil suggested going for a meal somewhere near to where they live which is about 50 min drive from us. We agreed on a date.

About a week ago mil tells dh that she had a text from one of dh cousins suggesting we all go round there for lunch in their new home. Mil agreed to this but said she hadn't read the message properly . This cousin lives at least a 2 hour drive away from us & we have a 6 month old baby. Dh & I agreed that we don't want to spend at least 4 hours in the car in one day with the baby & would rather go somewhere that's relatively convenient for everyone. Dh explained this to mil but she seems reluctant to explain this to the cousin because she already 'accidentally' agreed to it, even though Dh said that we wouldn't go if it's at the cousins house. I'm very annoyed as we were the first ones to agree to this lunch & were looking forward to it and now we are the ones not going because mil thinks it can't be changed. I appreciate that we could do the drive if we really had to but driving for 4 hours wasn't part of the original plan. Aibu to expect mil to rearrange the location so that we can also go even if it means annoying the cousin a bit?

After spending an hour and a half in a car with DD at around 6 month old SCREAMING the whole time - I say NBU. By the end of the journey I was crying myself and had spent the last 20 mins or so shouting SHUT THE FUCK UP in my head. DD had wound herself up so badly that she had vomited all over herself, had a poonami and was angry the rest of the day.

You know if your DD can cope with the journey, we don't. My DD was never a great traveller, but we persevered with her as we always lived further away from the relatives. It made for some horrendous journeys, some huge arguments between DH and I, and now we hardly ever travel to them because we ended up resenting how crappy every journey made us feel. Especially when no fucker ever made the journey to us. DD is now 11 and would rather not see GPs than do the journey, DH feels the same and I'm left feeling guilty about it (and going to see them on my own).

Clappy hands and smiley faces to all those whose kids didn't mind travelling, you are very, very lucky. I wish I was the same.

Yanbu
It's exhausting and emotionally draining to seat next to your screaming baby strapped in their car seat.

You are being a bit childish. You want to go, but for the sake of a 2 hour drive (which doesn't class as long) you won't go, because you agreed first.

I get it is annoying when plans change, but you can make more of a day of it at someone's house. Leave at 9, coffee break at 10, get there 1130. Leisurely lunch. Leave at 3, break at 4 (I wouldn't take breaks necessarily but don't consider 2 hours long) home by 530. In a restaurant you wouldn't be able to spend as long with everyone

I wouldn't go. It bugs the arse off of me when people change plans to suit another person and then expect me to be happy with it!! Ask first then everyone gets a day.

YABU 2 hours drive is nothing - I drive that to work & back most day!

My family live 4 hours away and on some occasions if work commitments are tight I've driven it with all my kids in tow and returned the same day! Staying over at a hotel is better but needs must!

It's a one off special occasion, changes happen in life! Family at Christmas is important! 2 hours travel is nothing!

The OP said her mil didn't realise that it was so far-so a mistake rather than anything else.
And who wouldn't rather take a 6 month old to lunch in someone's house rather than at a restaurant- even if it means a longer journey?

Very annoying that the plans were changed without consulting everyone.

We'd have done the journey with our babies, but our families live a 4hour drive away so they had to get used to it. If your baby doesn't tolerate long car trips, it's reasonable to say that you can't now go.

I don't think a two hoyr journey wach way is unreasonable but it's fine to be upset about a change of plan being forced on you. Personally I would rather take a baby to a relative's house than a restaurant

I would have thought it will be better at a family house with 6 month old as then child can play on floor etc easier. Your in car so can take toys etc. Pack baby sling or pram and can all go for a walk after lunch also for fresh air before drive back

I think you ABU too sorry. I would try and time the drive with nap times. If one of you sits in the back with your baby that might help too. Its just one day and family and worth the effort in most cases.

Every time we visited dhs family when the dc were young we travelled over 2 hours. We did it regularly. It's a good idea when you have children not to limit what you can do as life can get smaller and smaller. Go to the meal. Your little one will be happier in a home than a restaurant. All cousins will meet him and ye will have fun. I would do it. Don't look at the difficulties just at the fun side.

50miles would take you over an hour anyway. It's not massively more.

YABU.

Can people stop with the "baby will be fine" shit? OP has already posted that her baby doesn't like the car for any length of time.

If the baby was fine about it, I'd do the two hour trip. But never with a baby that didn't like cars. Mine were fine, but a friend had one who screamed blue murder in cars. I drove her and baby once for a 20 min journey and it was hell. I'd never have coped with driving for two hours with that screaming, even without the hearing aids in.

I've also come across something lately that suggests babies shouldn't be travelling for more than 30 mins without a stop now. If the guidance has changed, it could be more than 2 hours one way.

Get the train instead?

2 hours is easier with 6 month old than a 2 year old for eg. Mine would just sleep the whole way! I'd go and be much happier going a bit further to a relatives house than a pub/restaurant closer by. 2 hours or 50 minutes, it's a journey in a car. At least when you arrive at the cousins you could retreat to a quiet bedroom for a feed and somewhere for the baby to nap perhaps, or find somewhere to put down a playmat so the baby can have a kick. If you arrive at a restaurant with a grumpy baby it will be much less relaxing/ comfortable. You sound as if this decision is unfair / thoughtless towards you but I reckon the rest of the family probably assumed this would suit you much better .

Just because some babies enjoy the car or just sleep in it, doesn't mean that they all do!

Ds1 hated being rear facing from 3 months onwards and he wasn't quiet about it. I am so pleased I had him before the law changed for rear -facing car seats. 9 months if hell on wheels rather than years.

I'd rather take a baby for a meal at a house than a restaurant

The 30 mins guideline is for very young babies with poor head control, not a 6 month old.

My DD did not travel well as a baby so I would have been reluctant to do this too. Plus, I think it was bad form for MIL to agree to this change of plan without running it past you. On that basis, YANBU.

You sound like you are being difficult just because the plans have changed.

I have to agree.

I think YABVU. Sounds like you're making excuses as you're not in control of this now.
2 hours in a car is nothing

Have all you saying the OP is unreasonable, ever travelled with an inconsolable baby who hates cars and won't sleep?

If not, you have no idea.

Doesn't really matter what others think of 2hr drive, Op is the one faced with it & doesn't want to do it.

If she had been told originally that this was the plan, she could have said no straight away.

If the baby would be inconsolable and wouldn't sleep in the car I wouldn't do one hour!

2 hours is easier with 6 month old than a 2 year old

Not for some children. My son was a nightmare in the car at that age. Some children are, honestly. At 6 months he would scream and cry til he vomited in the car. A choking screaming baby is dangerous to themself and the driver. When he went forward facing around age 1 he was totally fine in the car and we could do long journeys again. The OP has said her baby isn't good in the car so she isn't being unreasonable at all.

OTOH my just turned 1 yo DD is like most other babies and sleeps in the car and travels well, I imagine most posters who say OP IBU have children like my DD. They really aren't all like that.