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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect my MIL to rearrange lunch

159 replies

clarevouwebb · 18/11/2016 22:42

About 3 weeks ago my MIL said she would like to arrange a family lunch before Christmas with us, her DD & family and her sister & nieces as we won't be spending Christmas together. We said we thought it was a great idea and mil suggested going for a meal somewhere near to where they live which is about 50 min drive from us. We agreed on a date.

About a week ago mil tells dh that she had a text from one of dh cousins suggesting we all go round there for lunch in their new home. Mil agreed to this but said she hadn't read the message properly Hmm. This cousin lives at least a 2 hour drive away from us & we have a 6 month old baby. Dh & I agreed that we don't want to spend at least 4 hours in the car in one day with the baby & would rather go somewhere that's relatively convenient for everyone. Dh explained this to mil but she seems reluctant to explain this to the cousin because she already 'accidentally' agreed to it, even though Dh said that we wouldn't go if it's at the cousins house. I'm very annoyed as we were the first ones to agree to this lunch & were looking forward to it and now we are the ones not going because mil thinks it can't be changed. I appreciate that we could do the drive if we really had to but driving for 4 hours wasn't part of the original plan. Aibu to expect mil to rearrange the location so that we can also go even if it means annoying the cousin a bit?

OP posts:
bibbitybobbityyhat · 19/11/2016 15:36

Op, I think you've got a fantastic get-out clause here. Seriously, did you actually want to go out for lunch with a big group of your inlaws just before Christmas? What a faff!

I would be delighted at now having a cast iron reason not to go. Just say to mil and cousin, "sorry, it's too much driving for us for a lunch, hope you all have a lovely time" - that is not in the least little bit unreasonable.

BertrandRussell · 19/11/2016 16:04

"Op, I think you've got a fantastic get-out clause here. Seriously, did you actually want to go out for lunch with a big group of your inlaws just before Christmas? What a faff!"

And the DH involved? Might he possibly want to take his baby to see his relations? And have lunch with his family?

grannytomine · 19/11/2016 16:38

I'm not sure what to think, I suspect MIL thought it would be nice to go and see the new house and didn't think it through.

To people with babies who aren't great travellers, my daughter was a nightmare and as she grew up it became clear that she suffered badly from travel sickness so I assume that was why she got so upset. The rear facing seat was the worst which again makes me think it was the travel sickness.

I do feel sorry for babies if they are feeling travel sick and can't explain, it is miserable.

ecuse · 19/11/2016 18:18

If your baby will be miserable and you will be miserable, just politely decline, and arrange to see your MIL some other time.

But if the baby were really a problem I suspect you wouldn't have wanted to go done hour. Sounds like you're being a bit petulant.

Either way: go/don't go. YANBU either way. But don't be pissy about it with your in-laws - that WBU.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 19/11/2016 18:43

I don't know what the dh wants Bertrand as he's not on the thread. Perhaps he'd like a get out clause too, who knows?

Unluckycat1 · 19/11/2016 18:57

No way. All three of mine cried uncontrollably at six months to the point of vomiting all over themselves and shaking with distress for ages after being taken out. I had to plan every journey around a nap, which might give a 30 minute window of peace. That extra hour would make it impossible at that stage.

BertrandRussell · 19/11/2016 19:22

If it was that bad the OP wouldn't have wanted to do the initial hour's drive.

eggyface · 19/11/2016 19:44

I like the train idea! And bring her in her car seat so you can get a cab from the station.

nooka · 19/11/2016 21:59

From the OP it seems that the OP and her dh are in agreement. He was after all the one who rang up his mother to say they weren't going.

slenderisthenight · 19/11/2016 22:05

yanbu at all!

slenderisthenight · 19/11/2016 22:05

Amazing how quickly people seem to forget what having small children is like.

NataliaOsipova · 19/11/2016 22:07

I wouldn't do a two hour drive for lunch with my in laws even without a 6 month old!

Same here - unless I really, really wanted to see them. (My DH would never want to do this, before someone asks - and especially not if it was to see his family!)

slenderisthenight · 19/11/2016 22:08

who wouldn't rather take a 6 month old to lunch in someone's house rather than at a restaurant- even if it means a longer journey?

Me.

slenderisthenight · 19/11/2016 22:12

I would far rather my baby sat in a proper high chair eating from a kids menu, throwing food over a wipeable floor, with his wailing somewhat dampened by the acoustics of a large room rather than sat on two cushions in Auntie Hilda's new dining room, throwing her thoughtfully prepared food onto her new carpet and trying to wear the tablecloth like a shawl.

Also, four hours in a car = no control over nap times whatsoever. One and a half hours in a car in two bursts = I could probably still control nap times.

Artandco · 19/11/2016 22:20

SLender - baby is 6 months old, hardly going to eat a full course meal in highchair
. They can take blanket in car they can play on. They can have just milk on lap. At 6 months mine napped 4-5 hrs a day still. And would have happily stayed in sling all day on Dh or I

celtiethree · 19/11/2016 22:21

Yanbu, 4 hours in one day in s car seat is a lot for a 6 month old. A 6 month old doesn't need space to play in a house, they just need to be with their parents. Just decline and let them get on with it.

slenderisthenight · 19/11/2016 22:30

lol art you are making it sounds so easy and I'm imagining the reality. You do realise it's bang in the middle of weaning, the messiest activity known to man? And a child 'on the lap' is a child with a fistful of lasagne...

Artandco · 19/11/2016 22:32

SLender - I do have two children. At 6 months I wouldn't have bothered giving mine food out at an event like this, just a bit of breakfast, and maybe some food in evening but otherwise just breastfed. Mine ate all meals on our lap at home and out until around 18 months when they could sit down alone.

Artandco · 19/11/2016 22:34

And at 6 months mine were backpacking with us in asia, carrying a highchair or worrying about 2hrs travelling would have been ridiculous

slenderisthenight · 19/11/2016 22:34

That's great for you art, I suppose all babies are different. My baby would be eyeing up my earlobes if I tried to skip his lunch (or spoon feed it to him!) at six months. Your baby is plainly a cat of another colour.

witsender · 19/11/2016 22:35

Agreed. At 6 months mine had only just started eating. If we were in a situation where eating was unfeasible I just fed them, and gave them some suitable bits to chomp on if necessary. Do people really only feed their kids strapped in high chairs on wipeable floors??

Artandco · 19/11/2016 22:36

Our dining table has cream carpet underneath it

slenderisthenight · 19/11/2016 22:37

Just read about the backpacking. Is it strange that I would far rather backpack around Asia with a baby than face the ordeal of Auntie Hilda's dining room?! Not every child is used to living in a sling, either. Mine isn't.

NerrSnerr · 19/11/2016 22:40

At 6 months most babies will have only just started weaning. Mine was only on 1 or 2 meals. I'm another who probably would have just breastfed or taken a small tub of carrots or something (at 6 months i was still trying to be good and made my own food- if she was a bit older I would have relied on Ella).

witsender · 19/11/2016 22:41

That's why Slings are so fabulous. Wink

To be fair, when my eldest weaned we had stone floors and the dog cleared up after her. The youngest wasn't going to waste a scrap on the red carpet we had next.