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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect my MIL to rearrange lunch

159 replies

clarevouwebb · 18/11/2016 22:42

About 3 weeks ago my MIL said she would like to arrange a family lunch before Christmas with us, her DD & family and her sister & nieces as we won't be spending Christmas together. We said we thought it was a great idea and mil suggested going for a meal somewhere near to where they live which is about 50 min drive from us. We agreed on a date.

About a week ago mil tells dh that she had a text from one of dh cousins suggesting we all go round there for lunch in their new home. Mil agreed to this but said she hadn't read the message properly . This cousin lives at least a 2 hour drive away from us & we have a 6 month old baby. Dh & I agreed that we don't want to spend at least 4 hours in the car in one day with the baby & would rather go somewhere that's relatively convenient for everyone. Dh explained this to mil but she seems reluctant to explain this to the cousin because she already 'accidentally' agreed to it, even though Dh said that we wouldn't go if it's at the cousins house. I'm very annoyed as we were the first ones to agree to this lunch & were looking forward to it and now we are the ones not going because mil thinks it can't be changed. I appreciate that we could do the drive if we really had to but driving for 4 hours wasn't part of the original plan. Aibu to expect mil to rearrange the location so that we can also go even if it means annoying the cousin a bit?

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 19/11/2016 06:52

"I wouldn't do a two hour drive for lunch with my in laws even without a 6 month old!"
And your husband? Would he do a two hour drive for lunch with his parents?

BertrandRussell · 19/11/2016 06:55

It's daft anyway. Surely anyone would rather drive a bit further to avoid having lunch in a restaurant with a 6 month old?

nooka · 19/11/2016 07:06

It was very unreasonable for the MIL to agree on behalf of three other families before checking with them that they thought it was a great idea. I can understand why she did though, the cousins offer to host so many people was generous.

It's not unreasonable for the OP and her dh to decide that the journey is too far, and also to feel a bit sad that their needs weren't taken into account. Two 50 mins drives is quite different to two more than two hour drives and with a baby that hates being in his car seat not much fun. He is probably still waking in the night so I don't think it's unreasonable for he OP and her dh not to like long drives at the moment either.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 19/11/2016 07:08

It's annoying that the plans have been changed but assuming you like your dh's family (you've said nothing to the contrary) and that it's a Christmas celebration, I think it's a bit silly not to go. It's just one day.

Cucumber5 · 19/11/2016 07:14

Why didn't MIL check with you first?

It's a normal distance but not with a screaming baby. Could you coordinate your drive so you drive during morning nap and return at her bedtime

57968sp · 19/11/2016 07:15

Travelling with a baby is easy as the motion usually lulls them to sleep in my experience.

redcaryellowcar · 19/11/2016 07:18

Yanbu you know how long you are happy for a baby to be in a car seat for, I believe it's recommended not longer than an hour at a time, (you can google oxygen saturation levels of babies in car seats) so this would be a lot of travelling for one day. Seems a shame to miss out on family lunch, are you able to make a weekend of it and book a hotel? (Premier inn do reasonably priced family rooms?)

NerrSnerr · 19/11/2016 07:21

'Neither DH or I like long drives so would just prefer to not go'

It sounds like you are using the baby as an excuse. 2 hours isn't that long but if you're not prepared to do it I think you should just tell the truth and say you don't want to.

BitOutOfPractice · 19/11/2016 07:27

It's an hour further on from the original place. Not Outer Mongolia. You know that life carries on when you have a baby and everybody doesn't have to rearrange their life round you

"We won't be going on this occasion". You sound like the queen!

MissVictoria · 19/11/2016 07:29

As someone who unpredictably becomes very ill on car journeys, i definitely wouldn't go.
Can you not take control of the situation, text said cousin and tell them yourself it's too far and not fair on your family and explain your MIL feels the same but now feels obligated to have it at her house?

BertrandRussell · 19/11/2016 07:34

"Can you not take control of the situation, text said cousin and tell them yourself it's too far and not fair on your family and explain your MIL feels the same but now feels obligated to have it at her house?"

Yeah- that would be a brilliant thing to say to someone who has just offered to host about 15 people........

Adnerb95 · 19/11/2016 08:02

This thread is the very definition of a first world problem. If family aren't important enough for you to travel 2 hours to a gathering, that is very sad.

Roonster87 · 19/11/2016 08:39

YANBU OP I completely empathise. We travel to see family as regularly as we can and it can be a fucking nightmare. Taking between 1hr 40 - 2hr 40 with M1 and M25 being so unpredictable. On average its still a 4 hour round trip when you're only there for 3-4 hours and you seem to spend most of the day on the motorway and shattered by the time you get home - it's not a leisurely day out, due to the stress of the travel. And we don't have a baby yet! So I really don't get a lot of the comments about it not being that far...

That being said, I would be annoyed about not being consulted but would probably suck it up and go because it's a special occasion. Just be bit more strategic about your times of travel to minimise the time spent in the car if you can.

BakeOffBiscuits · 19/11/2016 08:43

YANBU. If your baby doesn't like being in his car seat I'd just not go.

Your MIL shold not have agreed to changing everyones plans for them.
My mother has done something very similar, reorganising a family lunch, so we have to travel for 5 hours on Boxing Day. I'm mightily pissed off with her . Unfortunately my DC are not babies so I don't have that excuse. I'm trying to think of another one

WinterIsHereJon · 19/11/2016 08:57

YANBU to not go. Some of my family live a similar distance away and on the rare occasions I've needed to drive there and back in one day I've found it very tiring. It's an awfully long way to drive just for lunch!

YABU to expect everyone to change their plans just for you though.

Amaried · 19/11/2016 09:01

I'm sorry I think you are Aibu. Cousin has kindly offered to host 15 people and you're acting like it was doing to spite ye. I can't believe you mentioned accepting first as being relevant,
Stay at home by the fireside with your knitting rather than face that 'long drive'. In my family you d be the butt of everyone's jokes for at least a year with that sort of behaviour ..

bibbitybobbityyhat · 19/11/2016 09:17

Yanbu. I wouldn't drive two hours each way for a lunch and your mil was totally out of order to accept on your behalf. Decline politely to cousin direct though.

TheInternetIsForPorn · 19/11/2016 09:27

I agree you are NBU. I had a kid who hated being in the car. Under an hour each way sounds manageable. Double it and I wouldn't do it in a day I'd be irritated by the change in your shoes too. But I guess if MIL isn't willing to change you have to suck it up.

Mid still go out for a nice lunch just you sand yours.

diddl · 19/11/2016 09:31

Would you have gone if you had been asked first?

I do think that I'd probably have found it preferable to be at someone's house than at a restaurant with a 6month old, but if you aren't bothreed enough about the people to do the journey, then you're not!

BakeOffBiscuits · 19/11/2016 09:31

Amaried gosh you sound a delight!

diddl · 19/11/2016 09:32

" In my family you d be the butt of everyone's jokes for at least a year with that sort of behaviour ."

That'd prove the point that they weren't worth making the effort for!

BingBongBingBong · 19/11/2016 09:37

It depends on the baby. At 6 months my DD was fine in the car so a couple of hours each way was no problem. My DS on the other hand was a nightmare in a rear facing seat. He would scream the entire journey no matter how long. So with him I wouldn't have done a 2 hour drive each way because he'd have been so distressed and it was dangerous for whoever was driving. Once he was older and in a forward facing seat he was fine again. You know your baby OP, it depends how they will find the journey.

pictish · 19/11/2016 09:38

I agree that a two hour drive is neither here nor there.
Also agree that you shouldn't use baby as a get out clause when it's you and dh that can't be arsed with the journey. Your baby won't mind it at all.

BadToTheBone · 19/11/2016 09:39

I'd go. You're just upset as plans changed without you being directly consulted.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 19/11/2016 09:40

Blimey, it's 2 hours! If you both drive what's the problem?! One drives one way, the other home!

Leave when the baby is fed and ready for a nap, same coming home and it doesn't need to be a drama

We live roughly 2 hours from my parents and sister, and 2.5 from DPs and regularly travel with 2 children to see them. I genuinely don't see the issue and agree with PP that it seems like you are just looking for excuses not to go.

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