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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect my MIL to rearrange lunch

159 replies

clarevouwebb · 18/11/2016 22:42

About 3 weeks ago my MIL said she would like to arrange a family lunch before Christmas with us, her DD & family and her sister & nieces as we won't be spending Christmas together. We said we thought it was a great idea and mil suggested going for a meal somewhere near to where they live which is about 50 min drive from us. We agreed on a date.

About a week ago mil tells dh that she had a text from one of dh cousins suggesting we all go round there for lunch in their new home. Mil agreed to this but said she hadn't read the message properly . This cousin lives at least a 2 hour drive away from us & we have a 6 month old baby. Dh & I agreed that we don't want to spend at least 4 hours in the car in one day with the baby & would rather go somewhere that's relatively convenient for everyone. Dh explained this to mil but she seems reluctant to explain this to the cousin because she already 'accidentally' agreed to it, even though Dh said that we wouldn't go if it's at the cousins house. I'm very annoyed as we were the first ones to agree to this lunch & were looking forward to it and now we are the ones not going because mil thinks it can't be changed. I appreciate that we could do the drive if we really had to but driving for 4 hours wasn't part of the original plan. Aibu to expect mil to rearrange the location so that we can also go even if it means annoying the cousin a bit?

OP posts:

gillybeanz · 19/11/2016 00:06

That's really not a long drive for a baby, they sleep don't they
Mine were travelling 250 miles to see my family when babies.
You or dh can sit in the back with baby, do an hour driving each way between you if you want to.

ImSoUnoriginal · 19/11/2016 00:15

Personally I think yanbu to not go as I have a baby who hated to travel and would scream blue murder after 15 mins or so in the car, or if he wasn't sufficiently entertained, or if we slowed too much. He's still not great and I doubt he would manage 2 hours.
However it's changed now and it seems a bit demanding to change again. Your mil was daft but didn't do it on purpose. Maybe arrange it yourself next year.
Have a lovely Christmas, despite this set back.

ChipIn · 19/11/2016 00:15

YANBU. That's a lot of time in the car for a young baby. It's more fair to meet somewhere equal distance to you all, rather than the ones with the baby doing all 4 hours of travel.
Unless actual arrangements have been made (e.g. food bought) then I don't see why it can't be changed again. It's a very kind offer from your dh's cousin but not practical with a baby.

Butterymuffin · 19/11/2016 00:18

MIL shouldn't have agreed to the change without consulting the others who were already going. So YANBU.

Pallisers · 19/11/2016 00:20

If I were your dh, I'd call my cousin and explain the problem with the new plan and ask if you can do something different.

Why wouldn't he do that? The cousin probably doesn't even realise and might say "oh of course we'll meet somewhere else, you can see the house another time"

AmeliaLeopard · 19/11/2016 00:26

YANBU to not want to go. If you and DH have decided then that's totally fair enough.

YABU to expect people to rearrange to suit you. Being the one doing the organising is a PITA, so when someone else does it you accept or decline the invitation.

QueenOfTheNaps · 19/11/2016 00:26

I also live in the middle of nowhere and would feel that a two hour trip was just "popping to my cousins". Personally, I think YABU. You could share the driving, 1 hour each. Stop halfway, stretch your legs, feed baby, etc. After all it's Christmas and it's a special get together for the family.. also maybe it's a good idea to get baby used to longer journeys? It's terrible when they get to toddler age and start suffering from travel sickness because they've never travelled for longer than an hour in the car

Pluto30 · 19/11/2016 00:35

You'd never cope in Australia where it's standard to drive a 4 hour round trip in a day.

YABU.

ILoveAutumnLeaves · 19/11/2016 00:52

I can understand you being annoyed, but come on, you were driving one hour, it's only an hour more and it will be much easier & nicer in a house than in a restaurant.

You're cutting your nose off to spite your face.

WhataHexIgotinto · 19/11/2016 00:58

I think YABU. It's not a massive deal imo, it's one day. I've never seen the 'we have a baby' thing as a reason not to do something - you either adapt or you just don't go, because you don't want to. It's up to you really.

Baylisiana · 19/11/2016 01:08

I am surprised you'd find the drive so bad and I think you'll be misunderstood by the wider family unless you explain to them why it is so difficult for you. Not that you need to explain, but I think they might not get it.

Given that, rightly or wrongly, you have made up your mind not to go, I do think you should enquire about changing it. It seems a shame to miss out on being all together just because no one likes to ask.

Baylisiana · 19/11/2016 01:09

Ps are you sure it would not be easier to do the drive but have a house where your DD can be put down to play, easier to change her, for her to nap etc...?

HeCantBeSerious · 19/11/2016 01:14

Neither DH or I like long drives so would just prefer to not go.

YABU to use the baby as an excuse when it's grown adults that "don't like long drives".

ClarissaDarling · 19/11/2016 01:20

YANBU why is it ok for cousin to change plans but to not agree?? Also is this 2hr inclusive of all the stops they are now advising you need due to car seat time?

Sceptimum · 19/11/2016 05:55

YANBU to be a bit annoyed, but I don't think there is much you can do at this point other than cancel your acceptance of the date, and see about setting another one if you can be bothered.
For what it's worth, I wouldn't go myself in the same situation. My partner hates driving and my daughter got really antsy on drives over an hour at that age. There's always next year!

BirdInTheRoom · 19/11/2016 05:59

For me the longer drive would be worth it to be in someone's house and not a restaurant. Much easier!!

ohdearme1958 · 19/11/2016 06:03

Its just an hour each way longer than you had planned to drive initially. Its not big deal even with a baby. You'll be missing out on a lot of family fun and good feeling. Your baby will be made a fuss of and that in itself is a fantastic thing. Why would you not want to be part of that? To be honest you go from sounding childish to saying you were asked to first, to sounding old before your time what with not liking a long drive - its a couple of hours.

You do know you're biting your nose of to spite your face? And please dont get all pissed off when MIL says they all had a lovely time. They are allowed that you know.

blueturtle6 · 19/11/2016 06:10

Could you drive the hour to mol and stay over night, then drive other hour the next day?
I would love to only have to do two hour journeys and my little ones cut off point is 2.5 hours and generally we still have another three to go.

BirdInTheRoom · 19/11/2016 06:15

I also think you are being unreasonable not attending as this is a Christmas celebration as you will not be seeing your husband's family on Christmas Day. You should make the effort even if it's not ideal.

winefixeswhine · 19/11/2016 06:30

Yanbu I couldn't be arsed with a four hour drive for lunch either. But I wouldn't expect everyone to change plans for me, just decline.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 19/11/2016 06:31

Yabu.

You sound like you are being difficult just because the plans have changed.

ZoSanDesu · 19/11/2016 06:37

My DS hates the car. We found this out in Cornwall and it took 11 hours to drive back to Suffolk because we had to stop so frequently. And now he screams if I even put him in the car. I have to sit right next to him and sing wind the bloody bobbin up right in his face, or he screams the whole way. Not so practical when DH isn't around to drive. So I don't think YABU. Can you not text cousin yourself to explain? I know MIL should but she's obviously not going to help as she doesn't want the embarrassment of admitting she got it wrong...

Helpme9 · 19/11/2016 06:41

Easier at 6 months than 18 months! Can you sit in the back with baby? I would go it's not far. Why miss out? Think YABU putting pressure on MIL

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/11/2016 06:45

It is unfair that you weren't consulted. However I think it's a shame you're missing out just on principle. Two hours is only one hour of driving each so not much more than the original 50 mins one of you would have done. Being inflexible is a life choice. And life limiting.

RNBrie · 19/11/2016 06:46

I wouldn't do a two hour drive for lunch with my in laws even without a 6 month old!

It's one of those things though, if you really want to go, you make it work. If you don't want to go, you say you can't make it. It certainly isn't worth falling out over. I'd try and make a day of it if you do go, rather than just a lunch which will take a couple of hours at most.

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