Is it normal to have no child free time?

[Forfrigssake]

In a nutshell...

I have an 18 month old and a 7 week old. I went back to work in-between but I'm on maternity leave at the moment. My 18 month old gets up around 6am everyday, rarely naps (gave those up at 10 months old) and we have to fight to get her to bed. We've tried everything! I won't bore you with details but after a struggle she goes to bed between 9.30pm and can be as late as 11pm. We literally keep the same waking hours as she does! We don't have any toddler free time at all and it's wearing me down.

Obviously having a new baby means we have round the clock every few hour feeds too etc.

Does anyone else have every waking hour occupied by their children with no child free/adult time at all ever? I'm finding I have to sort washing/pay bills/have a bath at ridiculous times like 3 or 4 in the morning! Is this normal?

I don't think it's normal, or at least I don't think you should accept it if it doesn't work for you. If It was me I would speak with a sleep consultant to get help w 18 month old. Might also give you tips for setting up for success with the 7(?) week old.

And the people with children over 5 or thereabouts who say it's normal and it's the same for them, have completely forgotten what it's like to have babies/toddlers! It's the same people who say "it doesn't get any easier" - it absolutely does!!

Once you have children, your life is never free from them. HTH

I feel your pain, my little girl needs less sleep than I do. If she naps in th car when we are out she's up til 11pm it's hard going.

Try and work between you and your partner that you both get an hour here and there to yourself and if you can get away for lunch or something together for a couple of hours without the kids do it! I find just having an hour to have a bath on my own really helps.
It's not forever it won't be long til they entertain themselves, my nephews are now 5 and 8 and happily go off to there rooms and play and have done since they were 3/4. I don't know where she gets the energy, I'd be in bed at 9 if I could!

As nuckythomson says your little one is chronically tired as you probably are. I had the exact same and was at breaking. We invested in support from a sleep clinic and was only about £300. I would have paid 3000 for the results! We do have to be super regimented still though (several years on) in terms of sleep routine and cannot give an inch but things got a lot more manageable once we got sleep sorted. Mine was so over tired!
Good luck

Having a toddler and a newborn is exhausting, and it's normal to feel stretched to the absolute limit if you don't have family or other help on tap.

However, I would agree with pps that your 18 months old sleep pattern is unsustainable and the one factor that you should be able to change (inasmuch that a 'normal' amount of sleep for an 18 month old is much more than she's having).

I know it's another thing to take on (or perhaps your partner could...) but have a research into sleep consultants or sleep clinics. Everyone I know that's used them has really benefited.

I never had child free time when they were young, when they started school I had school hours. But as they are spread out in age I had a child at home for 11 years. My other half doesn't even have them unless I have a hospital appointment. I don't mind though. I've not read all replies but OP I'd say your daughter is very tired which is why she won't sleep. I had the same with my oldest. I started long car journeys just to get him to have a mid day nap. Bedtimes were easier once he had a daytime nap.

Get some help with your 18m terrible sleep pattern - illogically, it is the lack of proper daytime routine that is screwing up the nighttime sleep and your child MUST be sleep deprived. At that age, she should be in bed & asleep no later than 7pm, getting a good 11/12 hours a night.

In my experience yes. My daughter was exactly like yours and we had no family nearby to help. It does get better over time.

I'm a bit confused, and it seems like I'm the only one who thinks this - but you are the parent, they are children, and you set the boundaries. At that age (18 months) my twins were in their bedroom by 7pm. Every night. Whether they wanted to or not. Once they were in their 'big girl beds', we put a stairgate in their bedroom doorway so they couldn't get out. We did controlled crying from the time they were babies. The first few nights are rough, but once they realise that this is the way things work, they settle. Simples .

Woops, sorry, I posted before I had read all the posts . I am not the only one who thinks your little one isn't getting enough sleep.

When DC were little although we had family nearby they weren't for helping, no sleepovers or afternoons in the park with grandma, so the only 'break' we got where when we were at work. Paying for nursery. ( That's why I went back to work at 4 and 5 months respectively!)
Having said that we were mega strict at bedtime and not afraid to let them whinge. Never ever any co-sleeping, no in and out of rooms or lying on bedroom floors etc, so they slept really well at night and that saw us through.
Mine ar teens/pre teens now and it does get easier, but a regular good nights sleep may be your salvation.

Controlled crying isn't for everyone and I think that if it was for the OP, she wouldn't be posting and asking for help.

I do agree about your 18 month old being overtired and one saying that is very true for my household is that sleep breeds sleep. It can be hard but you need to find a way to get her to sleep that works for both of you. Good luck.

I really feel for you on the sleep - I have a non-sleeping child. She's now 7.5 and sleep is still not something she 'needs'.

Stopped napping at 6 months and even now she rarely goes to sleep till midnight. In the end we established a system where after 9pm it's mummy and daddy time - she doesn't have to be in bed or asleep, but she has to find something quiet to do on her own. So she does drawing or plays quietly but does not disturb us unless it's something important.

We literally tried everything including professional help and nothing worked so we gave up fighting and just adjusted.

In her case, it's possibly down to a hormonal issue - she has no endocrine IGF-1, which is a growth hormone, and it seems to effect her sleep and appetite, but it may just be her.

She never does the whole whiny 'overtired' child thing, but has vast amounts of energy. Even a whole day at school, after-school club, 2 dance classes and a 2 hr commute doesn't exhaust her, she bounces out of bed at 6.30am ready to go again. The only time she ever really sleeps is if she has a fever.

I had no help from family at all, and it's one of the reasons we only have the one child!

It took till she was about 4 before she had the resources to amuse herself for enough time for me to have some decent time to myself during the weekend and evenings.

It's really tough and exhausting, but it does get better and easier as they get older.

A few people with non-sleeping children (I spoke to many during the early years) found that once they started nursery that they would nap there or they would be more exhausted when they got home and sleep earlier in the evening.

Sadly mine was the kid who was having none of the napping at nursery idea and watched cartoons while the others did.

There are various drugs you can use if you want to go that route - and I know one person who found that giving their DD a cup of coffee before bed made them sleep (this was on medical advice - can have a paradoxical effect). We tried a couple of things but no success and the hospital didn't want us to try melatonin or stimulants because of the growth hormone, so I can't comment on them.

It's tough, but surely you expected this when you had a second baby?

Get DH to help.

The first few nights are rough, but once they realise that this is the way things work, they settle. Simples

Didn't work for our son. Ten days of it and he cried all night. Then it took us weeks to even get him back in his cot he was so afraid of being left. Not opposed to cc in principle but it doesn't work if the issue is separation anxiety for example.
Some kids are just terrible sleepers - I know someone with twins. One sleeps great, the other is more like my son. No difference in the way they are parented or sleep training methods used.

Op, explore ways of getting her in bed earlier. Whether that's by moving bedtime ten mins a day or any other method that works for you

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When my eldest was 3 and youngest 4 weeks my favourite catch phrase was "this too will pass". It's exhausting, I feel for you, but it does get better

I think we all get different amounts of child free time, some have loads and some none and really depends on your family friends and childcare support.
What u need is help getting your eldest to nap and a good routine to sleep from 7pm. Most kids who won't sleep to late have reached the overtired point where adrenaline has kicked in and then don't know how to relax. An 18 month old needs a lot more sleep than it's getting. Then u will get an hour at least before your baby needs u. Get help from a sleep expert asap. Your local family centre should be able to help u. Pm me if u want more help! I've been through it and it's so important for your mental health as well as the child. Xx

I have a non napping 6 month old and 4 year old in reception. The only child free time I get is baby goes to bed at 6pm and 4 year old at 7pm. But I'm shattered by 9pm. Currently on mat leave (8 weeks left and counting) then baby will go to nursery 2 days a week so if I don't happen to work one of those days that week as I'm working a weekend then I will get a whole day to myself. Can't wait!

Does your new baby fall asleep at anytime during the evening? I found once my new baby had a bedtime and I wasn't waiting for them to let me know they wanted the next feed I would bathe the baby and put them into bed at a certain time then concentrated on the elder one to get them asleep.

Does a bath wake your child up? Could you bathe straight after tea or maybe you could just wipe down and bathe in a morning. I know my niece got stimulated by bathing and she was no longer tired.

Try aiming for a 9 bed time to begin with maybe and move it forward by 10/15 mins until it is when your oh comes home. You don't have to put your child to bed at 6.30/7 there is an in between ground.

Now that it is dark in the evenings early (assuming you are in the UK here!!) then it may become easier to settle down in the evening for both children using dim lamp lighting in the lounge etc.

None of the above may work and you probably have tried! Make your evenings about getting the kids to bed for a short while and then hopefully it will all fall into place.

Good luck

Op, first of all, commiserations. Sleep deprivation is a torture and having no time off is also very hard indeed. You deserve a medal for keeping it together and calming asking whether it's normal!

I had similar problems with my second child not settling. I learned that when they're overtired, they go into overdrive and release fight & flight chemicals which stops them sleeping. This makes sense when you think about it, after a scare you don't feel like snuggling up to sleep! Your heart is pounding and you're abnormally alert.

So I started bedtimes stupidly early (think lights out 6:30pm) and surprise surprise, it worked. But I also began to stay with my child to help them settle. It seemed worth it to me to spend 30 minutes snuggled with them until they're asleep than the next 3 hours fighting bedtime return. Of course it left us with a new problem, an independence and expectation that I snuggle in bed at settling time, but to my mind it was a better problem to have because it gave me an evening back. In the end I began to think of jobs that needed doing halfway through the settling snuggle and promise to return, making the return later and later, until eventually I found a sleeping child.

It might be worth a try? To get your evenings would be gold dust for you. I think it's reasonably normal to get a few evenings to yourself each week.