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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it normal to have no child free time?

174 replies

Forfrigssake · 17/11/2016 21:53

In a nutshell...

I have an 18 month old and a 7 week old. I went back to work in-between but I'm on maternity leave at the moment. My 18 month old gets up around 6am everyday, rarely naps (gave those up at 10 months old) and we have to fight to get her to bed. We've tried everything! I won't bore you with details but after a struggle she goes to bed between 9.30pm and can be as late as 11pm. We literally keep the same waking hours as she does! We don't have any toddler free time at all and it's wearing me down.

Obviously having a new baby means we have round the clock every few hour feeds too etc.

Does anyone else have every waking hour occupied by their children with no child free/adult time at all ever? I'm finding I have to sort washing/pay bills/have a bath at ridiculous times like 3 or 4 in the morning! Is this normal?

OP posts:
Chelazla · 21/11/2016 00:09

I had mine 11 months apart and at 4 and 3 they've just started school and pre school this is my first child free time! I also work part time so really only get it once a week still. Think it's just a thing bout having kids!!

Original poster
Forfrigssake · 21/11/2016 00:46

Huge thanks to everyone who has taken the time to post supportive comments and practical advice, it really has offered me insight and perspective.

DH does pull his weight with children and usually does the bath and bed for 18 month old. He's not exactly the greatest around the home and seems to cause more work rather than less when he tidies up e.g. I can never find anything coz it all just gets shoved somewhere, anywhere!

As for family help, one set of grandparents still work full time and have very busy social lives and the other set live too far away. We both have sisters but both are too busy with their own lives to ever babysit....

I do agree we need to sort out our 18 month olds' sleep routine but it really isn't as simple as letting her cry it out or putting her to bed earlier. Take this evening for example, dinner at 5.30pm, bath, and we wanted her asleep by 8.30pm, tried everything before DH eventually cracked and took her for a drive! Another 9.30pm bedtime. I would LOVE her to be in bed by 7.30pm and sleep for 12 hours!

OP posts:
Original poster
Forfrigssake · 21/11/2016 00:54

And also Thank you to all the mums who also have difficult sleepers, it's so reassuring to know I'm not the only one who's tired everything but still has a reluctant sleeper!

OP posts:
Catsize · 21/11/2016 07:55

4.10 and 2.8 here. Always been difficult sleepers. It has got a bit easier now though, as at least the oldest understands what he is meant to be doing. The youngest is the Duracell bunny on speed. We only have a TV for CBeebies - we never watch it. By the time the kids are asleep, we are too knackered to do anything else and just go to bed too. We both often have work to do in the evenings too, but I tend to do mine first thing in the morning.
The other thing that has improved with age is that we used to have 'one child each' to get to bed (still do sometimes) but now find that eldest won't mess about too much if I snuggle them both into my bed with me for stories. Means my partner can cook dinner/do some work.
I figure it will get easier and one day I will miss these times when they actually want snuggles and stories.

Blondeshavemorefun · 21/11/2016 08:29

I would do tea earlier. 530 is late for an 18mth. Start hr earlier and in bath by 6pm and pj's story milk etc

What happens when you put her to bed ? Ie 830 last night did she cry?

What happens 830/930 till dad took her for a drive?

What happened if you put in cot after lunch for a sleep?

I keep saying it. sleep breeds sleep and your 18mth needs much more then She is getting and won't settle at nigh as is overtired

CIO is harsh and I don't like it but it can work if nothing else does but hard to hear

Slow retreat/withdrawal and reassurance /pat shush can work as well

minipie · 21/11/2016 10:03

Some ideas on the 18 mo sleep:

What happens if you (or your DH) take her for a drive or a buggy walk after lunch? Would she drop off to sleep? If so then that probably means she does need a nap but is resisting it. Also if she does have a nap then she's likely to settle better at bedtime.

If tea is 5.30 why does it take till 8.30 to get her to bed... we do tea at 5.30, they are in the bath by 6.15 and in PJs by 6.45 with aim of lights out by 7.15-7.30... If you did tea at 5pm (so not much earlier) you could have her in the bath by 6 and in bed by 7 I'd have thought. Again I think she would settle better then as would not be so overtired?

Appreciate some things may only be possible at weekends when there are two of you (my DH also works long hours and it does make bedtime harder, no doubt!) however it's worth trying even if it's only 2 days a week, just to see if it does seem to help.

Artandco · 21/11/2016 10:28

BLondes - if kids have dinner at 4.30pm surely they wake really early starving? Plus very very few people are home then. We get home around 6.30pm then have to cook before us and kids can eat

OldBootNewBoots · 21/11/2016 10:29

my dd2 has never ever napped at home, she's 2 now. Even as a baby she'd nap 40 mins in the baby carrier and that was it. We did controlled crying about 18 months and it did work for us, she cried for over an hour the first 3 nights I think, and now she goes to bed after we read 2 stories, sing 3 songs and that's it. Talk to your health visitor - mine had a nursery nurse attached and she was very helpful when I couldn't even get DD into her cot by 8 months, they aren't all useless although some are!

minipie · 21/11/2016 10:35

Art who looks after your kids till 6.30? Don't they feed them?

Artandco · 21/11/2016 10:36

Mini - Dh or I collect them from school or afterschool club and bring them to our office until time to leave.

minipie · 21/11/2016 10:43

Ah, ok well if your DC are school age then no problem for them to be fed after 6.30. But Blondes was talking about an 18mo who would presumably be in childcare and fed there. With you on the 4.30 tea = waking early starving though - though I think people who do an early teatime often do an additional "supper" of milk and a snack right before bed.

Artandco · 21/11/2016 10:54

Well they have done he same since newborn. Before school they came to the office any day we weren't working from home. 4.30pm most 18 month olds have just woken from nap and had a small snack. 4.30pm for us and most we know is playing, or heading to park in summer or whatever.

Now kids are school age even if we go straight home we aren't home until 4.30pm, then they have playtime, homework (1hr) etc. So having children fed and in bath at 6pm isn't realistic for most.

8.30-9pm bedtime is fine. Is just the not going straight to sleep OP has a problem with. OP I would recommend having same nap and bedtime routine ( short story x2, lights dimmed). If they wake before 7.30am treat it as the same as at 2am and keep them in their or your bed, resettle, sleepytime etc

Underparmummy · 21/11/2016 10:56

If its after 7.30 I do not want to know! Apart from illness of course, Im not horrible, but we have a very strict bedtime routine. I have to have my evening.

Doing household admin at 3am is most definitely not normal though.

WankingMonkey · 21/11/2016 10:59

I very very rarely have any child free time. Recently DS started nursery though so I get 3 hours per day on a weekday but this is usually taken up with cleaning and stuff. I never have time to just enjoy myself usually, or to just...be...with DH.

However FIL had offered to have the kids for a whole week in March so we are going on holiday for our anniversary. I feel awful but I find myself literally counting down the hours until the free week comes...

angelpuffs · 21/11/2016 11:09

OP- I can recommend a very good sleep trainer who I've just been using with my almost 10 month old baby. She's worked wonders in the 3 weeks we've been working with her. Message me privately if you'd like her details. It's all done by text and phone so not intrusive in your home. She works with kids up to 5 yrs old and would be able to help you instigate an earlier bedtime for your 18 month old. Even if she doesn't sleep at 7pm, she could get her to bed so she can learn to self settle.

Blondeshavemorefun · 21/11/2016 12:43

Op doesn't work and on ml so is home and can do tea earlier - obv diff if work but generally the childcare setting will give tea

530 seems late for a toddler

I've often done tea 430/5 tops and children don't wake up hungry - tho they have milk before they go to bed maybe a breadstick or banana if hungry

But even with tea 530 why is bedtime not for another 3h

Artandco · 21/11/2016 12:50

BUT surely adults aren't eating dinner at 4.30pm? And making dinner twice is a faff and most like to eat together as a family.

Afterschool club finishes latest at 5.45pm here, they don't provide any food

Writerwannabe83 · 21/11/2016 12:52

When my DS (aged 2) is at nursery they feed him at 4.30pm and then he's always peckish come bedtime so he has a snack and a bottle of milk.

On the days I'm home with DS we wait for DH to come home from work and we all eat together between 6-6.30pm.

Blondeshavemorefun · 21/11/2016 12:59

From a nannys POV no the adult doesn't eat then tho sits and chats to children at table

Parents and me eat 730/8pm once children in bed

Everyone is different and does what fits their family

I would save a portion of night before tea and reheat for toddler in op case

Regardless time of tea the sleep patterns have to change as 1) op sounds end of her tether 2) toddler is having far less sleep then recommended

falange · 21/11/2016 13:22

I was never strict about them going to sleep but I was about them staying in bed. If your older one won't sleep earlier she could still be in cot/bed. I just used to give toys and teddies and they knew they had to stay there.

nicolajcurtis · 21/11/2016 13:27

I have a 5 year old boy and an 11 month old girl. They are both usually good sleepers, but they are both early risers. My daughter goes to sleep at 6pm, and my son at 6.30pm at the moment, as he has just started school, but its usually 7pm. Putting them to bed early is the only way I can get them to have more sleep.

So yes, we do get an evening, which is lovely. My daughter's sleep hasn't been great lately, so we go to bed about 10pm.

I give them dinner about 4pm and we always eat after they have gone to bed.

The evening is when we tidy up, get ready for the next day, eat dinner, watch any tv and I also work (at home), so they are very valuable to us.

NotWeavingButDarning · 21/11/2016 13:27

I think it's pretty normal not to have 'child-free time', especially when they're small. I am a skint LP and my only child-free time is when I am at work.

As they get a little older and you don't have to watch them every second it gets a lot easier to fit in household jobs like cleaning and laundry.

FRETGNIKCUF · 21/11/2016 13:31

Whatever your expectations are lower them!

I wouldn't think too many people get child free time unless they're at work or their child is old enough to go to pre school. I certainly didn't. I did get my evening back though. But my first night away without kids, except when having another, was when my oldest was nine.

minipie · 21/11/2016 13:40

I would also say that 18mo can be a really hard age (lovely in many ways but hard in terms of getting stuff done). Too young to occupy themselves for long or follow instructions, old enough to be into everything and need lots of entertaining.

A lot depends on the child's personality, doing chores when they are awake is fine if they are calm sorts who enjoy building blocks or other sit down activities but not so easy if they are very active and like climbing and emptying cupboards...

OldBootNewBoots · 21/11/2016 13:44

yes DD1 was impossible at 18 mos (this is when she bit into the laundry capsule and wouldn't watch anything til 2.5) and threw lots of tantrums, DD2 on the other hand is a potterer and you can get things done with her. I don't think no childfree time should be the 'norm' once your babies are capable of going through the night 10-12 hours, so I'd work on the sleep problem.