Is it normal to have no child free time?

[Forfrigssake]

In a nutshell...

I have an 18 month old and a 7 week old. I went back to work in-between but I'm on maternity leave at the moment. My 18 month old gets up around 6am everyday, rarely naps (gave those up at 10 months old) and we have to fight to get her to bed. We've tried everything! I won't bore you with details but after a struggle she goes to bed between 9.30pm and can be as late as 11pm. We literally keep the same waking hours as she does! We don't have any toddler free time at all and it's wearing me down.

Obviously having a new baby means we have round the clock every few hour feeds too etc.

Does anyone else have every waking hour occupied by their children with no child free/adult time at all ever? I'm finding I have to sort washing/pay bills/have a bath at ridiculous times like 3 or 4 in the morning! Is this normal?

OP, what you describe was normal for me when mine were that age. I used to resort to bringing a cup of tea, my kindle and some snacks to the bed when it was time to put them down cos the sods would sleep ok while they could touch me but wake up yelling if I left. No family around to help and DH worked split shifts. It got better quite quickly once little one was a few months old.
Also just to note that your eldest may well be even less likely to sleep right now because they're getting used to the little one joining the family. If you are tempted to try sleep training then maybe wait a little or expect it to take longer just at this point.
I took an afternoon for myself each time when my babies were about 6 months old. It felt weird. Now the youngest is two I usually get an evening a week and a few hours on a sunday. Good luck.

I'm really lucky with mine ( 5 and almost 1) they're both in bed before 7:30 and we have until about 10-11 before we go to bed of blissful child-free time. I don't know what we'd do if they didn't sleep!!

This sounds mega tough. I haven't read the comments but I just wanted to say that my friend had basically the life you are describing and it nearly broke their marriage. In the end a health visitor came around for a check or other and noticed the tension and it all came out. She helped them sort out a strategy for getting the troublesome toddler to get into bed at 7.30 (or whatever) and stay there. It really helped them and it did take a while but they cracked it. Whatever the issue is, you need help to get it sorted because with a 7 week old you will surely go into meltdown. I really feel for you, both of mine were difficult sleepers and it's extremely hard. Your question was "is it normal to have no child-free time". At the age yours are at the older should be in bed early evening and the 7 week old will be heading for a pattern soon enough but at the moment you will be seeing quite a bit of them. Rest assured, it will happen, you will get there. xxxxx

You are at an awful stage. It passes. To get 'child' free time I would stick them in the stroller (get a double stroller - side by side) and go for a walk with my mediation app playing. It was 30min twice a day and it saved me. I went back to work when my 2nd was 8 weeks old. It was hell and I didn't sleep for a year. For strollers I highly recommend the babyjogger citi mini double as even my 5 year old can fit in it. When my son has a meltdown (he is autistic), that is his calm space (we have the elite from 2008 which is even bigger!).

Having a routine always saved me. Meals were cooked the night before so only had to reheat. The diaper bag was packed and ready to go too. Also, do laundry at night. Put it in after they go in the bath and get a dryer so you can fold and put away that night. No ironing needed for clothes coming out of a dryer so this really saves you time.

For me it's not normal but I only have one just turned two year old so not much experience. He is knackered by 7pm and tends to go straight down, waking around 5.45-6.30am. So I get a few hours each evening. You must be exhausted...but I guess it depends on whether you can muddle through or want to find a solution. Some kids just don't want to sleep! What I would say is that your 18 month old if doing a day or so a week at nursery might suddenly start napping again as the peer pressure of seeing all their little mates snoozing away gets them napping too! That's what happened with my little guy anyway, he loves his afternoon nap at nursery.

My experience with dc2 is that the more tired he was, the less he was sleeping! So yes we have done a lot of 'putting him in the car and driving round', sometimes for 45mins so he was a bit more rested and therefore more likely to fall alseep....
Another trick that works was to very gently massage the area between the eyebrows. It seems to always calm him and make him dozy.

I still dont think its normal and yes your toddler would do better (and you too!) if his sleep is sorted out.
But please, please dont' stay up at 4.00am to sort paperwork out. That's where your DH really needs to help out.
And yes ask for help if/when you can.

It does come. You will have a brief period when your children go to bed a couple of hours before you and you have time to do a couple of little jobs and maybe even sit down for an hour with your DH.
Then they grow into teens and don't go to be until after you, so not only do you have no time together but every word you whisper or sound you make is heard and fully understood by your offspring..

I think you have to cultivate your child free time. A lot of the time, it will be impacted by decisions you and your partner make - the division of labour between you, one of you bring in, and the other going out, decisions about how to enforce/encourage bed times, co-sleeping etc.

Also, how involved families and friends are in supporting you both.

Whist your youngest is so little, its tricky to get longer time alone if you're breastfeeding, but you could perhaps try expressing so you can have more freedom. If bottle feeding, then make sure you aren't doing all feeds, and pop out occasionally.

Child free time won't necessarily just appear, but it's possible if you and your partner discuss it and work out how.

That is far far too little sleep for a toddler, surely? I get that it's far easier to say that than to fix it, but it surely needs fixing.

OP, I would get tough with the toddler and try controlled crying. It is hellish when you don't even get evenings to yourself. Also, when DS was tiny, DD (then aged 2.4) went to nursery 3 days a week and it saved my sanity.

I did controlled crying at 9 months with DD and DS both - in each case I was about to go back to work and I knew I couldn't function on so little sleep/downtime. When I did it with DD she was waking in the night 4 or 5 times every hour or so and I was desperate. CC - she cried for 7 minutes and fell asleep the first night, and the second night only about a minute, and on the third night she slept through the night without waking once. It was incredible. It hasn't always remained good- she goes through phases, funnily enough almost always her, DS is much better at sleep - but it's never been as bad as it was then.

Normal for us. We have a 4yo, a 2yo and a 4wk old. We co sleep/slept with all. The oldest was a night owl who rarely was in bed before 11pm and needed driving and walking to sleep. DS2 is an early bird so up 5.30-6am and woke every 2-3hrs till he was 18mo. DS1 only been in his own bed for 2 weeks. DS2 still in with dh while new baby in with me and wont be put down without screaming so is on me 24hrs.

Apart from a few overnights away where my parents had the older 2, i haven't been apart at night from a child for 4yrs. Before the baby was born I did put them in the creche at the gym three times a week while i did a class tho, so got 3 hours a week to exercise. So i will try to do that again from when she is 3months old.

Apologies for not reading past third page of suggestions...heading out the door in a minute. I have no idea how you cope with two. My ds is 14 now...but from what I remember I tried to get him to do really active outdoor stuff every day, the soothing stuff you're already doing...and I swear by lavender sleep spray you can put on their pillow. Get it from boots or Avon I think. No matter how wired or chatty he was...one whiff and it knocked him out! I was never great at enforcing strict bedtimes...but when you need the time and space it's time for them to go to bed. Like other posters have said...sleep begets sleep. Good luck!

I had one who simply could not fall asleep before 10pm. We had a rule that 'bedtime' meant time in bed. He was allowed books and soft toys, he understood that he was to stay in bed (except for toilet) and stay quiet and sleep when ready....which really was almost always between 10 and 10.30 pm.
He would wake at 6 am ready for the day.
It took a bit of training but was worth it!
Without this, I think I'd have gone round the bend 😉

Fi
For those of you that arent single parents, that dont have much child free time, why don't you leave children with your partner more? It's good bonding for them and a break for you.

Not normal for me, I'm afraid but only chose to have child for this very reason. DD slept and sleeps from 7pm to 8 am since she was 6 weeks. But weirdly wouldn't stay in her bed when we converted it to a big girl bed and asked for her cot bars back so we did. I'm sure sleepless nights will be coming when we try bed again.

*only chose to have one child

Mine is 22 months old. She goes to daycare three times per week. She stays with me on Mondays and with her dad on Thursdays. I have noticed during days she does not go to daycare, bedtime is a struggle. If you can afford daycare even once a week or twice a week, this may give you some child free time.

You really need to get 18 mth dd to bed earlier. From experience, an hour running around in the park everyday should get her to bed a bit earlier. Move mealtimes to 5pm, get her into a good routine, and be firm else she'll get worse and might even become more babyish to copy the younger child.

Ouch! I feel your pain...
Our eldest (now 5) used to go to bed that late and we used to think it was normal to have no adult time at all.
But after a while we started listening to our friends who had children and started putting her to bed a little earlier each night until she was going to bed around 7:30pm by age 3 (and still does now). Good job too cos then we had our next little one!
We were much stricter with bedtimes with our second and, after the usual months of newborn sleep deprivation, we got her into the same routines as her sister (now 2). They both go to bed around 7:30pm and sleep for about 12 hours. So our evenings are child free.
You should really get your partner to look after them sometimes! Even if it's just for an hour to have a bath. Then more as they get older!

This sounds awful and although I have very little child free time, I still have enough to do my share of the housework and catch up with friends or dh in the evening to watch a film (although we tend to watch films over a few evenings at the moment). In fairness, dh does a large part of the housework and cooking. My dc are almost 18 months and 5 weeks old. Neither are in nursery but my parents do help out if needed and dh does his share.

Sounds very normal especially for those of us who don't get any help from family or a nanny! It does get easier though as they get older! Hang in there, I know it's tough!

Completely normal. 3 of my children have a 17 month gap between them. At one point I had 3 under 3. It was incredibly tough.

I had no help either. It will get better though, trust me. xx

Your 18 month old's bed times aren't normal, but everything else is. I used to get them both down by 7, and then go to bed myself for about 9 or 10, so that I could get some sleep before the 11am and 3am feeds.

It feels like it lasts forever when you are going through it, but in about 8-10 weeks, the baby starts sleeping through and it gets easier for a while.

Then, once the baby starts moving independently, it all gets harder again because they always move off in different directions and give you the dilemma about which one to rescue first. That was the most tiring part, i found.