Is it normal to have no child free time?

[Forfrigssake]

In a nutshell...

I have an 18 month old and a 7 week old. I went back to work in-between but I'm on maternity leave at the moment. My 18 month old gets up around 6am everyday, rarely naps (gave those up at 10 months old) and we have to fight to get her to bed. We've tried everything! I won't bore you with details but after a struggle she goes to bed between 9.30pm and can be as late as 11pm. We literally keep the same waking hours as she does! We don't have any toddler free time at all and it's wearing me down.

Obviously having a new baby means we have round the clock every few hour feeds too etc.

Does anyone else have every waking hour occupied by their children with no child free/adult time at all ever? I'm finding I have to sort washing/pay bills/have a bath at ridiculous times like 3 or 4 in the morning! Is this normal?

I thought I was the only person in the world with a 2 year old who dropped his naps at 1 & often isn't sleeping until 9pm ! This thread has made me feel better.

Expecting DC2 in May & I
worry how I will cope! With DS I really did sleep when he did (EBF) & I have the fondest memories of our cosy times.

DS will be going to pre pre school in the Sept 2 mornings or 2 afternoons a week so that will help a bit then.

I do have very supportive parents but anytime he had stayed overnight with them (a handful of times) he takes the absolute hand out of them. The last time he went to sleep at 10pm & woke at 2am until 6am! He hasn't done that with us since he was a baby! So I havnt let him
Stay again.

Similar situation here, but with a 4 year old too. 4 year old is now a good sleeper, but wasn't until the last year. Other two are bad sleepers - max sleep I ever get in a block is about 2 hours. No break here since 4 year old arrived, other than an occasional night out where my husband will look after the children approx 4/5 times a year. Even a bath, they want to jump in with me, I can never escape! It's a much as it's lovely to be wanted, it's exhausting and friends who fortunately have family help or children who sleep well, will never understand, just as I don't understand their situation. I live in hope things get easier!

I have a non sleeper too.

She only naps in the day when out in pram and no matter how long she naps / what time she naps, she never goes down before 10pm at night.

She is 22m and only recently started going 5-6h before needing a feed still bf-ing her at the moment

It's a shock to the system as DC1 was an amazing sleeper, would have at least a 2h nap and slept through from 10w.

It's been absolutely pointless having one child that sleeps when the other one doesn't.

My childfree time are the days I work!!!

Are all the posters on here saying they don't get any time at all childfree single parents?
Otherwise I don't really get it.
Posters are saying they can't have free time because they don't have any external help, but there's 2 parents. If both parents aren't capable of looking after their own children independently (even if only for an hour for an ebf newborn) then that needs addressing as a priority.

I feel your pain OP! We have just the one 18 month old, don't have supportive GPs nearby, and we are renovating our house and have been since before she came along. It is necessary, but means more often than not DH is at work all week and I'm at home with DD, there's about an hour between her going to bed and me falling asleep. She often sleeps in our bed if she wakes up wanting a feed. At the weekend DH is usually doing DIY which means I continue with childcare day in day out and we don't often have the time or money to go out anywhere exciting for the day as a family, let alone have space for individual time! It's exhausting!

arethey I think it really depends exactly how 'childfree time' is defined. Monday-to-Friday, DH is out of the house 6.30-8. The trains are often delayed or he has a late meeting, so then he might not be home until 9-10pm. Every third week,he works overseas and usually leaves after lunch on Sundays and gets back the following Saturday morning, having flow overnight. He tries to give me some child-free time at weekends, but like this week, he sat up with a poorly child Friday night so I could catch up on the sleep I haven't had during the week. Yesterday morning, DS was booked to go to the photographer, so I took him there while DH took dS1 to do the grocery shop. We all met back at home for lunch, then DS1 had a party from 2-5, so I took him there while DH looked after DS2. We got home about 5.30, had dinner, started bathtime, put a child to bed each, then I came downstairs, tidied the kitchen etc. and DH and I sat down at about 9pm. We had some child free time discussing the schools we viewed for DS1, then DS2 woke at 11ish.

After another rubbish night with a sick child, DH and I have attempted to take it turns having baths this morning, but inevitably children have visited each of us during this time, and we can hear them running round, making noise etc. DH is now about to give me some child-free time, which I will use to put laundry away, clean the bathroom and sort toys that are going to the charity shop. Later this afternoon, we will attempt some family time and this evening, DH will get some child-free time while I do bedtime etc.

For us, making sure we each get some child-free time and spend family-time together is a really balancing act. We try really hard, but it's never perfect, and getting 1-3 hours break a week never feels enough. DH could change jobs, but then we couldn't pay our modest mortgage etc.

I agree toddlers need their sleep and the more they get the more they actually sleep.

My first child was amazing, he slept through 12 hours from 8 weeks with no prompting, he hit about 18 months and started to play up and being used to evenings to ourselves we were having none of it! We let him cry it out, it was horrible and felt like it went on forever but he eventually fell asleep and slept through. The next night the same but he didn't cry for very long just a few minutes and that was the end of it. He's 6 now and a great sleeper not scarred by being allowed to cry a couple of nights.

My daughter got to 12 weeks and didn't sleep through so I sort of got her in to it by just letting her cry for a couple of minutes before seeing to her as she was so young, after about a week she slept through and now she's 3 she sleeps from 8 pm until at least 8am and still has naps about 4 days a week if she falls asleep in the car on the school run.

I know not everyone can let their children cry but honestly it doesn't harm them and it works so quickly that it doesn't scar them for life.

I feel your pain - I had one who dropped all day time naps at 12 months. During the week I never had child free time during the day. I worked 3 days a week and childcare was so flipping expensive that there was no way we could have afforded any extra on top. So I never had the luxury of a child at nursery and not being in work myself. I then stepped up to full time work when my youngest started reception class- so no child free days with all the kids in school either!! Mind you I'm very glad retrospectively because I suspect if I'd got used to that it would have been very hard to ramp my career back up!

What you do need to do OP is use your dcs father to take sole charge for parts of the weekend/ evening to grab a bit of time for yourself. It's important for the dad to get this anyway, to build his relationship with his kids a separate entity from family time.

It is hard though, those early years are relentless, particularly if you have to pay for any form of childcare or babysitting, because realistically many people in that situation can only afford to pay for the actual hours they're in work themselves, not just as a luxury extra

SO many of you do chores when children are asleep

Why don't you do then when they are awake. They can help you sort washing /out in machine or they play alone in the living room with stair gate /playpen for 15/30mins

Children need to entertain their selves

What do they do 7-9/10pm if not in bed

Are they playing /demanding attention?

What do they do once in bed? Try and sleep but can't or imm scream and cry knowing you will let them back downstairs with you?

I truely believe sleep breeds sleep and to get a good nighttime sleep the child needs regular daytime sleeps

Agree that it's normal with a 7 wo but your 18 mo sleep is definitely not normal (not a criticism, I know how hard it is to sort an overtiredness vicious circle which is what she's probably in).

I have a sleep resisting older DD who is prone to overtiredness. For a long time I thought she just didn't need much sleep. Dropped nap early (apparently) and slept only 10 hours a day for a long time, often with wake ups. Then I started enforcing a lunch time nap (via a long buggy walk) and wow how things improved. She went to sleep earlier and easier, slept through far more often. Behaviour so much better. She still doesn't sleep quite as much as I'd like but it's way better.

Your 18mo is having 8 hrs sleep a night and nothing in the day. There is no way that is enough. Even the posters on here who have said their DC slept little at that age, were getting 10 or 11 hours in 24. I know it's hard to do much with a newborn, but is there any way you can take both them out for a long walk in a double buggy after lunch?

Blondes - 7-10pm here is arriving home, dinner, bath, play, stories etc. But then they slept 11hrs still plus 1-2 naps so all good

I expected it to be like that when my two were that age. Only got child free time at weekend. However, it's when I was back at work I really struggled. The eldest (now six) never goes to bed before 9pm sometimes later, the youngest (3.5 yo) often wakes several times in night from about 12 and up for day at 5am. Even with a DH fully pulling weight I am/ was exhausted. No answers though

We only have 1 dc (15 months) but yes I manage child free time, I had PND and would have completely cracked without a break.

I work 3 days a week now and dd goes to nursery those days. Sometimes I take a day of annual leave while she's at nursery and dh is at work - I just chill out and do bugger all!

DD is asleep by 7 so we have a few hours in the evening. At weekends etc dh and I discuss what we each want/need to get done and make a rough plan so we both get some down time as well as family time.

Is your dh supportive?

Like artandco suggested, DH and I have one weekend morning and one weekday evening to ourselves each. He plays football with both of his, I tend to catch up on sleep or tv in bed at the weekend and save 2/3 weekday evenings for a 'big' one out per month with my friends - we go for dinner and drinks and I'm out until the last train home. Except this week when I'm going to a perfume workshop/talk.

I would go nuts if I didn't have some time to myself. I love my DC (who are 4 and 7mo and I also sometimes have DSS who is 9) but I still have to have time for me for my sanity. While your baby is still a baby it's hard, and I'm guilty as well of finally putting the baby down for the night at 11ish and then staying up until 1am to get some 'me' time as I would rather sacrifice sleep to achieve that! As she has grown we've pulled back her bedtime and she goes down at about 8pm now. DH does bedtime with DD1 (which does involve laying in a dark bedroom with her until she falls asleep) at about 8.30 and now we have the evening to ourselves - but it's taken a while to get there.

My best suggestions are to get some help to sort bedtimes out with your 18mo and organise your time with your DH so that you're both allowing for space for each other. Good luck!

That sounds a bit full on, when I was on maternity leave with only one child, I only got children time when she slept, though, but then babies do sleep quite a lot. Used to be so tired from night feeds I would sleep while she slept a lot at the time,
Though! Am having our second in three weeks, and am going to keep the oldest (now 2) in nursery 4 days a week in order not to make things too exhausting. My DH comes home late every day due to his job and have no family around, so the thought of having both of the kids at home with me 5 days a week was too overwhelming. Think if you feel it's a bit too much for you, you should look into some part time childcare for your oldest, maybe a childminder once or twice a week?

YABU - At 18 month old your baby needs much more sleep than what they're currently getting and you need to sort it out. 'My baby just doesn't need much sleep' is complete bull and a pathetic excuse... The only reason your baby won't sleep is because you've enabled it and not been tough enough.

I wouldn't be quite as harsh at LouBlue above, but she makes a very good point.

I would focus on sorting out your 18month old. Sleep breeds sleep. Most (not all) do still need a nap at 18months old. 12.30-2.30 ish. Is she still in a cot or in a bed? I'm afraid I would just put down and leave! She'll soon work it out that she is having quiet time (if not hopefully sleep!) and you can use those two hours to get a few things done.

It is fairly normal here though to have virtually no child free time. We have no external help at all and no money for a babysitter. Haven't had a night out in over 4 years and had our first child free 2 hours actually today! (my parents were visiting from down South) . Felt very strange!

Mine are 12, 16, 17 and 20.
I either work, or deal with kids.
No child free or work free time.
That's life.

Jeez, maybe back off a bit with the incredibly rude omniscience there Lou? That's not exactly supportive posting.

One of mine was an incredibly poor sleeper throughout toddlerhood despite exactly the same 7pm bath and bed routine as the others. No amount of maintaining good sleep hygiene or trying extra ideas helped. Later, the consultant who diagnosed his autism found this completely in keeping.

There could be all manner of as-yet-unidentified issues at play, disrupting sleep.

Food intolerances, for example, can ruin sleep patterns.

I was going to ask if OP were single, too. I know that if she is breastfeeding, it's not possible to delegate feeds but she can delegate the laundry, bills etc to her DH. I don't think 'long hours' is an excuse. Presumably, pre children, which was not that long ago, household duties were shared while both worked full time. With 2 babies under 2, OP's job is more than f/t, more than long hours - it's 24/7 so how her DH can excuse himself under the circumstances is beyond me.

On the plus side, when the children are older, OP will have more free time sooner than other parents with larger age gaps, like me, who had 4.5 years.

I have a 20 month old and a 2 month old. He is going through a weird sleep phase at the moment whereby he doesn't want to go to bed but the usual was up at 6am and bed at 730pm. My husband hadn't had a lie in until this morning. He gets up Mon - Fri at 6 am for work - takes toddler downstairs for breakfast and gets himself ready for work. I stay in bed with baby. DH drops toddler upstairs with me and then goes to work. At the weekend he does the morning get up as well and lets me snooze until 9/0930. He also does the lion share of the bed time routine with the toddler. Even if your DH is unable to help during the week - he surely can at the weekend? My inlaws also baby sit one day a week for toddler. I wouldnt mind if they didnt but they really love having him and he loves going to them. I also occasionally go for a nap in the afternoon at the weekend. DH wakes me if baby needs feeding. We have also given the baby a bottle of formula to make sure she will take it so I can go out occasionally with friends for dinner and I know DH can feed her.

If I'm lucky I get about half an hour in the evenings between wake ups but only if I ignore the housework. I try to do stuff in the day - laundry is done with him next to me. Kitchen and bathrooms done with him eating in his highchair watching. I cook using cartoons as bribery. Final clear up done once he's in bed before he wakes up again.

I have a ds with severe sleep issues so I know it's not as easy as just getting the older one to have more sleep. You need time to yourself though. Dh may well be working 6-8 but aren't you working even longer with all the domestic stuff? He needs to give you some child free time regardless of how taxing his job is.

It is really hard. Dh and I barely see each other as we even sleep in shifts to cope with ds.
Dh needs to take them both for a few hours a week
Consider a few hours of nursery a week
Get a cleaner if you can
Only do what's necessary
Dh needs to be doing more domestic stuff. If you're doing laundry at 3am he's not pulling his weight.

manumission
^Yes but beliefs of that sort would be beside the point without the abundant free help. People don't normally do it all themselves because they lack your vision.

It might be worth considering the "smug twat" potential if your mission statement before you share it with people IRL.^

Thank you for your input, I believe if you actually read my comments carefully you will see that I did acknowledge that we are fortunate to have childcare available in the form of GP.
The question posed by the op was is it normal not to have any child free time and I was merely seeking to illustrate that in my opinion it is not. I also find that in our circles of friends and family it is unusual to find parents who do not have some form of childcare available from time to time so again, I would argue that it's not normal / usual to be totally without any form of help.

Oh... and your 'smug twat' jibe was just unnecessary and makes you look like an idiot. I only shared what you patronisingly call my 'mission statement' to head off the inevitable pricks who generally come on all indignant 'oh, you're not surgically attached to your child all the fucking time, you terrible parent abandoning them to have your own life blah blah blah'.

Instead I got a different type of prick this time.

It just never sounds good to dress up good fortune as a superior philosophy.

You phrased it that way. Presumably voluntarily. If you're going to say the same IRL it's just inevitable that some people will think you're being smug and insensitive. But up to you.