Is it normal to have no child free time?

[Forfrigssake]

In a nutshell...

I have an 18 month old and a 7 week old. I went back to work in-between but I'm on maternity leave at the moment. My 18 month old gets up around 6am everyday, rarely naps (gave those up at 10 months old) and we have to fight to get her to bed. We've tried everything! I won't bore you with details but after a struggle she goes to bed between 9.30pm and can be as late as 11pm. We literally keep the same waking hours as she does! We don't have any toddler free time at all and it's wearing me down.

Obviously having a new baby means we have round the clock every few hour feeds too etc.

Does anyone else have every waking hour occupied by their children with no child free/adult time at all ever? I'm finding I have to sort washing/pay bills/have a bath at ridiculous times like 3 or 4 in the morning! Is this normal?

Am I the only one thinking that's really little sleep for an 18month old?! I'm wondering if she's going down so late because she's overtired? Most toddlers that age do nap during the day ( I work in childcare so know lots of toddlers!) I know they all vary, but 8 and a half hours sleep (or even 7 hours if going to bed at 11 pm) is really not enough sleep for that age group! I have to be up at 6 for work and go to bed between 10 and 10:30 every work night and even then I'm tired during the day!
Can you gradually start bedtime earlier in the evening, eventually she will be going earlier and you will hopefully get you're evenings back. I'd also be introducing quiet time during the day. Perhaps give her some books or quiet toys to look at while you sit down and have a cup of tea, sort some bills. You don't even have to be away from her. But it's good to get them learning a little bit of independence too.

Totally normal

Mine were in bed at 630 and u also had every Saturday afternoon off....about five hours. There's a two and a half year gap
And lots more time as they got older. But yours are still very little. I never see my teenagers

Well, you had a second child when your first was still a baby, what did you expect?!

I never did things at 3 or 4 am, I'd put the baby in the playpen or something and the older kid in front of the tv for a bit and get on with it.

We did controlled crying with our youngest as he was a reluctant sleeper! Up to about 2 their bedtimes were about 9. It suited us as they didn't need to get up early for anything.

Could you possibly put your eldest in childcare for a day/a couple of afternoons?

I know this seems weird when you're off - but my daughter (just turned 3) goes to nursery a couple of days. It gives me a bit of free time, my baby sleeps better as isn't woken by her.

Also the night before nursery, she goes to bed really well, as I tell her she needs to get to sleep to see her friends at school tomorrow (bribery gets me through parenting lol).

And it exhausts her, she comes home and is asleep by 6pm!

My age gap is bigger, but starting when I was pregnant with DC2, DH used to take DC1 into town for a couple of hours on a Saturday morning and bring back something nice from the market. I hate bathing with kids, I like my water scorching hot. So i could bath or do jobs i didnt want to do with kids, or whatever. At 7 weeks I would have had dc2 still with me, but I never bothered getting him to take a bottle, others may be more sensible!
You do learn to get some jobs done with the kids so that you can have a break if you do get time to yourself.
It gets easier when you're in work, you can book a days annual leave (my dad was shocked when i was off sick and left the kids in childcare, he has since looked after toddlers and has come round to the idea!)

Well, you had a second child when your first was still a baby, what did you expect?!

Helpful

I disagree that this is to be expected. I still have rough nights fairly often but at 18 months my dd2 goes down at 7 and naps for 90 mins or so at lunchtime. Dd1 was the same at that age. I don't have much advice though,op, only sympathy. My only thought is that mine get wired if they are overtired and hgen can takes hours to settle, and skipping naps is the suyrest way to make this happen. But I feel your pain as if they won't nap they won't nap. Sometimes thryt go through a difficult phase though and then come out the other siude. It may be worth trying again. Or even just putting her in her cot and leaving her with some books.

I'm typically child free from 7.30 till I sleep. I've a 1yr old, 2yr old and 3yr old. Occasionally it goes to pot but that's always due to illness. We are pretty strict here on naps and bedtime. And the kids, despite all being very different characters and different sleeping (or non sleeping) styles all got there in the end and bedtime is pretty painless.

I'm typically child free from 7.30 till I sleep

The thing is, I distinctly remember the gap between them sleeping and me sleeping being very small when I was at home with more than one

It's important to have child-free time, no matter how young they are. Get your DH to pull his weight, express some milk for the occasional bottle feed so someone else can feed the baby and sort your daughter's bedtime out. She needs to learn that bedtime is bedtime and she does not leave her room or disturb anyone until morning without good reason such as feeling ill or frightened or, later, needing the toilet.

Blimey Op you have a 7 week old ! Of course you have no child free time ! And an 18 month old is almost a baby still.

I think you are lost in the world of babies and are losing sight of the world that exists when they are a bit older.

I have a 4 yr old and 2 yr old and just had a great night out at the pub with my husband

I would second the posters who've suggested getting help with getting your toddler to sleep. An 18mo needs more sleep than that, but I have a 17mo currently so I totally understand that when they've decided something it's very hard to "reason" with them. I do think some specialist help might be beneficial here.

Does OH pull his weight?
It's a strange thing if you are the at home parent, but you have to let the other one learn to muddle through, pack the bag to take them out, do the full package of care (unlike extended family where the parent would provide everything). DH forgot a few things the first few times, but the money he spent having to buy spoons was well worth it for the relationship he has with them now - they trust him not to need to defer to mummy.
Best kept parenting secret - you don't need to bath them every night.

I didn't used to put DD2 to bed until I went (17 mth gap), so yes it was normal for me.

Truth be told my brain was properly frazzled for a few years. CBeebies saved my sanity as soon as they paid attention to it.

DD2 started going to bed at a sensible time when she was 3 and tired from preschool.

Also...its not odd at all to put the toddler in childcare. Perfectly normal to have a break from.the older one.

Normal for 7 week old not normal for 18month old. I'm lucky both mine are in bed by 6.30/7pm although my youngest wakes frequently in the night. I will manage at least a couple of hours of free time just to catch up on myself
What does your DP/DH do to help the situation? Could he take the LO I know it. And be a struggle as my DH is out working till 9, 4 nights a week

Yes, I think normal with two such young children unless you are lucky enough to have a partner working fairly short hours/ family to help or can afford and are prepared to pay for help.

Bills- direct debit.
Washing- should be possible to due during the day, toddler can 'help', baby can be left somewhere safe for short periods.

I think you should speak to the health visitor for advice re the very difficult bed times. I'm sure it would make a lot of difference if that could be improved.

I would reinstate a daytime nap. She's off her face tired by the night time for sure.

Grateful for the two to three hour daytime naps and early nights for both of my babies.

It's really hard, adapting from one child to two and it takes time to acclimatise. Juggling a baby and a toddler is no picnic! I personally think it's the hardest time, harder than having a first baby when you can sleep when the baby sleeps, build your day around one child instead of the separate needs of two etc...

It would be ideal if your 18mo was spending some time with family/at nursery etc as it's very intensive to have both all day, every day and the older one can get jealous having had you all to themselves. If they spend some time away you can concentrate on the baby and they are happily occupied with other people and activities, so have more interests/bonds with other people and less chance to feel jealous.

It does get better, in the sense that you get used to it. You just have to re-jig your expectations, although your 18mo sleep habits sound really extreme. If and when it all works well, your 18mo would start bedtime at 6.30pm and be asleep by 7-7.30pm, the baby too (until 11pm feed then back to sleep). My youngest was sleeping through at 8 weeks, the eldest 12 weeks (7pm-6am) so you never know, it could be that the baby is a great sleeper, it's just too early to tell yet.

I have a small age gap between my two oldest (11 months) - we always had a bit of child free time because we left the kids with each other. Doing chores at 3am is madness! Stick baby in bouncy chair and toddler in front of CBeebies for an hour and do it then.

I agree that 18 month old may be over tired, I'm guessing you have tried all the usual things to get her to nap? Long walks, fresh air/outside play? Long drives in the car.

I totally feel your pain re evenings- both ds's used to be horrible to settle. Dh and I used to take it in turns to do bedtimes so at least one of us got a break. 7 weeks still such early days - it will get easier. DS's are 3 & 4 now and in bed for 7.30 every night.

It's always going to be full on with a 7 week old, but your 18 month old sounds like they desperately need more sleep. A friend of mine had some help from a sleep consultant and it was v useful.
By 18 months both of my
DCs did a couple of mornings of nursery. If you can manage the cost, I would really recommend a few hours of nursery or childminder each week. As well as getting a few hours break from your toddler, it's also good for their sociability at this age.

Also just read your 18mo doesn't have a daytime nap, is that right? Have you tried getting her to sleep in the buggy? Some children sleep better in the buggy, others in the cot. (I had one of each). For the buggy, I would put them both in the double buggy and walk at lunchtime, sometimes just up and down the pavement outside, for 15 mins until they went to sleep. If it was raining, I would put the baby in the cot (with blackout blinds and all light trapped out of the room) and the toddler in the buggy covered with a blanket and just push/jiggle the buggy gently.

IMO early afternoon naps are essential, most of them really need a nap of some sort in the middle of the day.

7-9 hours sleep really does not sound like enough for a toddler. Is she overtired and struggling to get to sleep? Sleep is so important at this age, it's when their brains get reorganised from all the things they are learning. Have you spoke to your health visitor for help?

Dr Sears has some tips that might help. It will probably be very hard work for a while but you might get your life back.