Is it normal to have no child free time?

[Forfrigssake]

In a nutshell...

I have an 18 month old and a 7 week old. I went back to work in-between but I'm on maternity leave at the moment. My 18 month old gets up around 6am everyday, rarely naps (gave those up at 10 months old) and we have to fight to get her to bed. We've tried everything! I won't bore you with details but after a struggle she goes to bed between 9.30pm and can be as late as 11pm. We literally keep the same waking hours as she does! We don't have any toddler free time at all and it's wearing me down.

Obviously having a new baby means we have round the clock every few hour feeds too etc.

Does anyone else have every waking hour occupied by their children with no child free/adult time at all ever? I'm finding I have to sort washing/pay bills/have a bath at ridiculous times like 3 or 4 in the morning! Is this normal?

Just to say DD1 started to drop her nap at a year old and had pretty much dropped it by 18 months (except frustratingly at nursery where she carried on until 2 ish) or on car journeys- she would wake when car stopped. She is the exception I realise but it does happen.

hoof I know you're not asking for advice but... I really feel for you on the non-sleeping toddler . My friend did this, got into a pickle over putting her DD to co-sleep in her bed and this carried on for years, it wasn't good.

Every so often I would try again with your DS sleeping in his own room. Have you tried buying a small fold-up bed that you can put beside his bed, so when he goes to sleep, you are sleeping next to him but in his on room? You can gradually move from that to just sitting next to his bed etc until he's gone to sleep. The first aim is to get him to sleep in his room with you there.

Also why are you fitting into her life and sorting washing paying bills at 3am? She needs to fit into your life. I had 3 DC under 5 and certainly have my struggles and am the last person to be saying what's normal or not but I do think it's got so chaotic for you that your "normal" has shifted without you realising. Hopefully you have a helpful health visitor who can help you get back on track

I had 3 under 3 and a husband working abroad - it was hard work! Add in that dd1 never napped after 6 weeks. My children never slept enough but aced A levels and did loads of sports/ scouts/other stuff I tried to tire them out with to no avail. Ah well.Blame myself for moving to boredom land (ooh look, a sheep) from a vibrant city with stuff that actually stimulates your brain.

In answer to your question, yes we just get on with it.

Also, can I ask what an earth your Dh is doing here? Why are you up at 3am washing up? Surely he comes home from work say 6-7pm and spends until 11pm when children asleep helping? He should be coming home and helping to play with children, bath, cook, and settle them to sleep.

Like I said out had late bedtimes, it worked for us as then 6-10pm Dh wa shone also to parent so we shared dinner time as a family, dinner prep, evening walks with kids etc. But it only worked as then they did sleep in and napped.
I think I would def work on sleep with eldest as 7hrs really isn't enough. 6am is too early to wake with 11pm bedtime, I would encourage him to stay in bed and allow him board books etc to look at alone in the hope he goes back to sleep. Same at naptime

Your Dh should also be taking both children alone. 18month old he can take off all day, at 18 months they can do overnight somewhere together also as 'father/ son time', 7 week old he can have an hour of so if solely breastfed, increasing up to 2hrs shortly. From 6months when baby can eat solids and drink water he should be having both children alone when you have free time

Normal imo for a parent is something like: one evening free, one weekend 1/2 day free, plus the odd extra hours here and there

That sounds tough with your toddler!!

Up until DS was 1 year old I hardly ever had time to myself, I had probably only had two occasions where he hadn't been with me and even then it had only been for about 5 hours.

When I returned to work I found I had so much more time for myself because my DH had to step up as I wasn't the default parent anymore.

DS is 2yr 8m now and I enjoy my children time. My DH often takes him out for the day so I can have some down time. They've recently just got back from a week away in Barcelona together and next year they have two holidays booked together too. We don't have any help from family regarding baby sitting for us but due to my shifts I will maybe once or twice a month spend the night away from home so it's always nice to have a decent night's sleep. DS also attends a nursery and about once a month he goes on a day that I'm not at work so I can have a lazy day at home by myself.

Back when DS was younger, between 6-9 months, his bedtime routine was horrendous, it was a total mess and I used to have to go up to bed the same time that he did (7pm) and DH and I never had evenings together. DS was up numerous times throughout the night too so at 10 months of age we sleep trained which meant DH had about three hours together every evening just to enjoy each other's company whilst DS was in bed.

Have you ever just left the children with their dad for a couple of hours to allow you to escape?

Did you miss the rest of my post Manumission?

Did you miss the rest of my post Manumission?

Sounds normal to me. My kid free time is when I work from home - 6 hours on my own is bliss, even if it's not mine to do as I please.

Thanks everyone. I can see it's normal for some people and not for others.

DH is a fantastic hands on dad but leaves home at 6am and gets home around 8pm :( He has a long commute in to work which we can't change due to where we live etc.

As for toddler's sleeping habits she's never needed a lot of sleep. We've always done the wind down, bath, warm milk etc routine. We've just started putting her to bed with gentle music (slightly hypnotic!) and it seems to be helping (we don't have to push her in a buggy or take her for a drive!) although she still goes to sleep so much later than we want her to.

I've decided to ask grandparents for help so I get a bit of time to myself.

Op, I know you say she's never needed a lot of sleep but honestly.. she really needs more!

Does your Dh work 7 days a week? Why can you not go out either on a weekend, (if he doesn't work 7), or of an evening (e.g. 9pm) once he's home?
Anyway, not normal, wasn't my experience at all of babies/toddlers. Me and dh took turns on weekends/evenings to have time out.
The sleep of your eldest (or lack thereof) sounds massively hard work. I think the NHS aim is for about 15 hours sleep per day, iirc, so I guess most people would be having far more time than you're currently experiencing.

OP, this sounds really tough.

I'm afraid I have to echo the PPs who say your older child needs more sleep. She really really isn't getting enough and I know it won't be easy to instil better sleep at this stage.

One of mine really, really resisted sleep from day one but I persisted and established a routine. At 18 months, was getting 11.5 hours at night and 1.5 hours at lunchtime. It simply wasn't negotiable. It involved a lot of very chilly pram walks but it was worth it.

I know a few people whose toddlers are still awake at 9, 10 at night and I just don't understand it.

I just googled it - according to babycentre an 18 month old should be getting 13-14 hours per day, with at least 11 at night.
She's operating on 6 hours less sleep than her peers, giving you 6 hours less to do stuff. Doctor? Hv?

Definitely second the advice to speak to HV.

Both DC went through a long phase at around 18 months of resisting bedtime (although for you it sounds as if she has never really embraced it!).

DD2 likes her sleep a bit more but even when she accepted bedtimes again at about 2 years DD1 was sleeping around 10 hours a night, sometimes less with no daytime naps unless at nursery. She's now 6 and still doesn't need that much sleep and happily goes to sleep on her own. Some DC just don't.

On the plus side all my friends with napping DCs struggled when they dropped their nap -at least I didn't have that!

Always best to check with HV though - they may have some tips to get her sleeping more.

Your eldest is over tired she isn't getting enough sleep daytime or night

. She then won't sleep at night as over tired

What happens when you put her down daytime and at 7pm in her cot. Does she scream /cry /play?

What do you do?

What is she doing till 9/11pm at night - can you not let her play in a playpen while you do the chores?

Sorry OP just re=read my post, when I said "I know it won't be easy to instil better sleep at this stage" I meant to go on to say "...because you have a baby as well, but it's something that really has to be done"

I'd also start putting some serious pressure on your partner, it doesn't sound like he is doing nearly enough. I'm disappointed at the martyrs PPs merrily stating that it's normal and healthy to never have any child free time. It isn't, it's not normal, it never has been (why do so many people assume that a woman, on her own in a small property, with nobody else around to help, is the "normal" way to raise children? It is an historical anomaly!) and it is terrible for mental health.

We have 3 DC's, twin boys (3years) and DD (6months).

We have regular child free time both apart to pursue our own interests and together as a couple. We don't have loads of it obviously but it is regular.

We believe it is normal and healthy to still live our own lives and that when we are with the kids we are better parents because we aren't so fucking burnt out by spending 24/7 dealing with them.

Admittedly we are lucky that both set of GP are lovely and very happy to help out (especially DW's parents).

We believe it is normal and healthy to still live our own lives and that when we are with the kids we are better parents because we aren't so fucking burnt out by spending 24/7 dealing with them

Yes but beliefs of that sort would be beside the point without the abundant free help. People don't normally do it all themselves because they lack your vision.

It might be worth considering the "smug twat" potential if your mission statement before you share it with people IRL.

I don't know how "normal" that is although we'd have loved it.

That's dependent on family living close by, healthy and inclined to do regular childcare or wealthy enough to pay.

Id probably rephrase it to say "I'm incredibly fortunate to be able to"

Sounds normal to me in that the only child free time I get is when I'm at work. I get home about 7pm and it's dinner and bedtime but by the time mine is in bed it's late and I'm so knackered I go to bed too. We don't get an evening. Family nearby but only help on special occasions.

It gets easier! So much easier, every day. There is a big difference between no child free time with kids of that age and no child free time with older ones. It is the difference between literally no waking moment when you're not being called on to do something for someone else and ok, no you still can't spend your weekend lying in bed / getting pissed but you can actually get a break to drink a cuppa / pay a bill / hop in the shower whilst they entertain themselves in a different room of the same house. Meantime, some good suggestions as to how you can get a bit of a break. After our first, I felt pretty tired when I went back to work. After our second I found going back to work made everything feel much better. That's because two under two is exhausting but it honestly does get easier the more they can do for themselves.

I feel your pain OP. We have. 3.10yo and a 15m old. I've never spent a night away from either of them and DH and I have only had three short evenings out since DS1 was born (I.e left the house after 8 and been back by 10.30). We've not had any time out of the house without the children since DS2 was born, apart from a 15 minute trip to the tip last Christmas. Although DS2 does nap and DS1 goes to nursery two days per week, neither are fantastic sleepers. DS1 goes down about 8, but has night terrors two-three time per week, and is usually up for a couple of hours after these. DS2s sleep is slowly improving and he now only wakes 2-3 times per night (they were both awful sleepers as babies!), but DH is out of the house 6.30-8 most days and works abroad every third week. We have no help from family now. My mum has DS1 for a couple of hours about three times when he was younger and DILs have never had either of them for us. I'm on my knees.

Wowser - am amazed at all everyone telling the op to sort out the 18 months sleep pattern! Has no one remembered every child is different? Op my LO was a bloody nightmare with sleep until she dropped her daytime nap. Would only sleep 10 hours max at night (often less) and have an hour in the day. She would be up until 10pm easily - found it very very hard. Then we managed to drop the nap and that was it - 12 hours sleep 😄😄😄 didn't know what to do with my evenings when she started going down at 7/8pm! Got an absolute bashing from HV at 2yr check, but I just ignored her. She has now idea how to be a single parent to a toddler and teenager, so wasn't letting her dictate to me! Toddler Sussed it out in the end so all is good. It does get better, but some kids just don't need it! She is actually still asleep now as she had a late night last night and didn't go down til gone 9 as we had family round. I am awake of course trying to clear up from the storm!