Christmas visit to PIL

[herbwife]

First time post and a bit of a brain dump, so sorry if it's a bit long/ mixed up.

So received an email from MIL with her plan for Christmas set out day by day and with accommodation organised etc. Seems perfectly reasonable, but she has arranged for us to stay with BIL and his DW while our 3DC stay at theirs. Nothing wrong in that you might think except the DC don't like being there without me as she is very strict about what they can and can't do (no toys downstairs, keep quiet, no mess) basically they can play on the trampoline or colour/ draw (as long as they don't get too many pencils out or use a lot of paper).
They have to share the smallest of the 3 bedrooms, MIL and FIL use the 2 larger ones, so 12 yr old DD1 (who has started her periods and is VERY self conscious about it) has to share what is really just a box room with 8yr old DS.
DH and I are supposed to drop the DC there and then head over to BIL's. BIL lives 20-30 min drive away. Neither DH or myself drive.
They only want DC there NYE. So DH loses a precious day with them (he works away during the week so only sees them weekends and his holidays).
I would have to bring the DC back on my own (5 hour train journey) with all luggage/ presents on a busy tourist line.
We were not asked in advance about any of this and actually have theatre tickets (panto) for the day MIL wants us to go.
PIL won't come to us as it's too far for FIL to drive and they can't stand my DM (another thread entirely)
So AIBU to say we're not going? WWYD?

TIA

YANBU. You are grown up human beings. Christmas is a time for you and DH to spend with your DCs not with some contol freak of a DM. Dont put up with other peoples shit. Do as others have suggested. "Sorry it doesnt work for us".

I'll say as well that when you use up all your holidays struggling to visit it's exhausting, and you don't get time to relax as a family.
Pils have monopolised ALL our vacation time this year - they've turned up days before they said they would and stayed days later than they said they'd leave. They've guilted us into a disastrous trip abroad and into driving almost 700km with a young baby to visit them - when we did get there they sniped and grumbled and criticised us. It's caused huge resentment. We've had no holiday and no time as a family. They turned up on Valentine's Day after dh had been abroad working for two weeks and couldn't understand why we were pissed off - we wanted some family time!
Don't these people realise that by being like this they reduce the time people want to spend with them? My parents are alas a plane ride away. They're fun, relaxed, no bother to have as guests, accommodating and never ever meddle. I wish I saw them more.,
Op, just don't go. Firm polite email as above. Big girl knickers firmly on. Then enjoy Xmas!

Either don't go this year or alternatively book a hotel/house rent for a few days nearby meaning you can all stay together.

What does your partner think of these arrangements?

"DH would be going back to work the day we are due back"

Due back on MIL's orders idea? Is there anything you can do to the "instructions" you have been given that makes them more palatable for you? So, you can't go on day 1 because you are going to the panto, and you have to come back with DH so he can go to work; and you want to be in the same place as your DC - what does that leave?

If your DH is closer to them during the week, why doesn't he see more of them?

Not much. DH would not be heading back here with us, he'd go to work and I would bring the DC home on my own. We have to come home on 2nd Jan because DC are back at school on the 4th.

Really tricky.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all, but family relationships especially if you have someone who is manipulative and only interested in getting their own way are always difficult.

What does your DH think??? Or the DC??? You all need to be honest about what you want. Remember strength in numbers!

Your DH needs to outline to his mother that as she should have first spoken to him and to you both, as if she had he could have told her that the dates she's come up with aren't possible, and that its just worth it in future if she speaks to him/you initially so dates can be checked out.

Then he needs to tell her she needs to look at different dates as what has been suggested don't work for him, you or the children. He should have some alternative dates available that are acceptable to you as a family so she's not dictating them.

He needs to say that you'd already got Panto tickets booked and paid for so that particular day is completely out, but that she needs to take into consideration when is convenient for him due to his work commitments and obviously the train journey back with the children and getting ready for school also impacts dates.

And if I were him I'd also be ready to say that now that the children are older, that the actual sleeping arrangements are not appropriate and won't work as they are. Remind her that what was ok when they were toddlers or 5 or 6 years old doesn't work now. He also needs to say that your DC need to be able to do other activities rather than just sitting and colouring, and that as your DD is now 12 and maturing into a teenager and a young woman (OMG I sound like my mother!), she can't share a bedroom. So what alternative arrangements does his DM suggest if she wants you all to go down there rather than travel up to you???

I may have missed this but why the fuck are you letting other people 'organise your Christmas?

Wtf? How old are you?

Just say no, man....

Why are some women fucking compliant? How depressing

I'm with jingle on this..it shouldn't be hand wringing about "should we do not", but more.."Erm why did you make all these plans and just assume that we - A. Hadn't already made plans of our own, which we have... and B.Would just drop them and go along with plans made without any consultation with us about well, anything?"
You need to call them on this behaviour and instead of opening yourself up to questions of "could we , should we? " You give all of the weird uncertainty back to them as questions about the oddness of their behaviour.
And yes..big girl knickers on ..there is probprobably no way through this without a family row, so managing who this is between and it's lasting impact is really the main problem here.

herbwife - any updates to this? Have you managed to get yourselves sorted for what you're doing for Christmas?

Hope you're still able to get to the panto!