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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Christmas visit to PIL

159 replies

herbwife · 17/11/2016 10:21

First time post and a bit of a brain dump, so sorry if it's a bit long/ mixed up.

So received an email from MIL with her plan for Christmas set out day by day and with accommodation organised etc. Seems perfectly reasonable, but she has arranged for us to stay with BIL and his DW while our 3DC stay at theirs. Nothing wrong in that you might think except the DC don't like being there without me as she is very strict about what they can and can't do (no toys downstairs, keep quiet, no mess) basically they can play on the trampoline or colour/ draw (as long as they don't get too many pencils out or use a lot of paper).
They have to share the smallest of the 3 bedrooms, MIL and FIL use the 2 larger ones, so 12 yr old DD1 (who has started her periods and is VERY self conscious about it) has to share what is really just a box room with 8yr old DS.
DH and I are supposed to drop the DC there and then head over to BIL's. BIL lives 20-30 min drive away. Neither DH or myself drive.
They only want DC there NYE. So DH loses a precious day with them (he works away during the week so only sees them weekends and his holidays).
I would have to bring the DC back on my own (5 hour train journey) with all luggage/ presents on a busy tourist line.
We were not asked in advance about any of this and actually have theatre tickets (panto) for the day MIL wants us to go.
PIL won't come to us as it's too far for FIL to drive and they can't stand my DM (another thread entirely)
So AIBU to say we're not going? WWYD?

TIA

OP posts:

kath6144 · 17/11/2016 11:19

girlywhirly - I think you have mis-read Ops posts, it is her and Dh who have panto tickets, from what I understand, on the day MIL wants them to travel.

YADNBU - no is a complete answer. Just say it doesnt work for us. If they drive and you dont, let them visit you for a day or 2.

Just as a comparison, we have just arranged to go to PIL over NY, something we generally do if they not here for xmas. They re iterated that we didnt have to go, we could do our own thing (was thinking about a cottage at one point, but decided against it for other reasons), basically they were lovely about us going but we dont have to.

No way on earth would I let anyone, including PiLs, dictate dates, where we stayed etc and no way would we have stayed separately from DC when younger. (We did it last year as at my v ill mums for xmas, but they were 15 & 18 and more than happy to be in a nearby travelodge. Plus DS was driving so could transport them between house and hotel himself)

Oh and my DD had one of her earliest periods at PIL at just 12, and 'leaked'. My MiL is lovely and it was dealt with kindly, but DD still felt embarrassed, so I can understand that part very much.

BratFarrarsPony · 17/11/2016 11:19

no herbwife you do not sound like a 'whiner' you sound like a parent who would like to make their own plans for Christmas without being dictated to about who will sleep where and who will do what.
How would your DH feel about not going this year?

LillianGish · 17/11/2016 11:21

I'd email to back to say it doesn't work as you have panto tickets etc. let her know what would work for you (if you have a preferred option) or if your DH doesn't mind give it a miss and arrange another time to see them. She's emailed you her demands so just email yours straight back - be gracious, no need to fall out, but you don't have to do what she says especially if no one is keen on the idea.

Spam88 · 17/11/2016 11:21

How utterly bizarre Why on earth would it be acceptable for you to stay somewhere half an hour away from your kids? And as if they think they can dictate to you that they're going to have the kids NYE and you won't be welcome to come and spend it with them. She's mad, it's the only explanation.

I agree with PP's - just tell her that plan won't work because you've got the panto tickets, and that you both want to spend the holidays with your children, and now that they're getting older they want to spend Christmas in their own home. Maybe suggest a date that they could come to you (if they refuse then that's their problem) or to meet somewhere in the middle to go for a meal together - appreciate it would be a very long day but still better than their plan...

Original poster

herbwife · 17/11/2016 11:23

I'm trying to get DH to deal with her, as my relationship with her is not great -because she's controlling- and I'm likely to tell her to FTFO.

OP posts:

OzzieFem · 17/11/2016 11:24

I wonder if BIL or his wife were actually consulted and agreed to your staying with therm, or whether MIL has just planned this as well.

girlywhirly · 17/11/2016 11:25

It doesn't surprise me that MIL spoke to DH first and said he had agreed before she spoke to you. A sneaky way of getting you to agree. Why didn't he discuss it with you before saying yes? Or was it that he said to MIL that it should be OK but he'd have to talk to you, and she assumed you'd say yes, or has deliberately gone ahead regardless with 'her' plans?

Cocolepew · 17/11/2016 11:28

You don't sound like a whiner! Your Mil sounds bonkers.
Just tell them you're not going.

madparent1 · 17/11/2016 11:29

Make no excuses nor try to justify your actions in NOT going. YANBU in doing whatever you and your family want to do at any time, let alone Christmas/New Year.

There is everything wrong in someone making unilateral arrangements that involves children being separated from their parents without the parents consent or discussion.

However well meaning those plans are her (selfish IMO) plans not yours.

Tell her your family plans for your family festive period and see if there is room for a get together. You do not have to explain or justify what you do as a family to anyone. Make you, your DH and DC's happy and have a lovely Christmas/New Year.

NerrSnerr · 17/11/2016 11:29

Just tell them you're not going, if there's some family you can arrange to see between now and Christmas then send presents in the post.

5moreminutes · 17/11/2016 11:30

If she'll just say "come over after the panto" you then have to be blunt and say no, I'm afraid those plans don't work for us, we want to spend NYE with us and are now getting too old to share the box room anyway; you are very welcome to come to us after the panto but we will be spending NYE at home.

Hard I know. I've found I have to be straight with my own parents though or my mum gets carried away with wildly unsuitable plans that sound like a good idea inside her head, without having actually considered the individual human packages of needs, wants, anxieties, fears, tastes, hopes, friendships and otherwise, abilities and emotions she is planning for...

Jackiebrambles · 17/11/2016 11:30

No way would I do this. Definitely get your DH to just tell her, thank you, but no.

5moreminutes · 17/11/2016 11:31

*we want to spend NYE with the children

Original poster

herbwife · 17/11/2016 11:32

AFAIK DH hasn't agreed to anything. Telling us the other one had already agreed is an old tactic I put a stop to after it caused a massive row between DH and myself in the summer.

OP posts:

confuugled1 · 17/11/2016 11:33

I'd quickly add a couple of other things into your diary as well as the panto tickets so that you can say that you already have panto, xxx and yyy booked for the days suggested but instead how about [suggest an extreme version of what you would like to happen] knowing that it gives you some negotiation room to get what you actually want to happen...

And don't be afraid to put things in it that you know they won't like, like saying that you thought it was time they came to visit you this time and that if it's too far for fil to drive then they can just get the train too (amazingly trains run from their house to your house, just like they run from your house to their house!)... and if they complain about it, then point out that it's much easier for the two of them than for the four of you to be on the trains...

MistresssIggi · 17/11/2016 11:34

Premier inn.
Or stay at home.

CruCru · 17/11/2016 11:35

You need to be direct and assertive. Email back and say that it won't work for you. But do it now so she can't complain that you've messed her around.

BiddyPop · 17/11/2016 11:37

Yes, I agree - don't tell her "no because we have tickets for the panto", tell her "no, we already have other plans for that day".

But get DH to tell her that.

Ncbecauseitshard · 17/11/2016 11:37

Can you even get trains those dates? There is a lot of engineering work going on between xmas and new year.

Whatsername17 · 17/11/2016 11:39

No you dont. I wouldnt do it. It would be a big fat no to any part of Christmas without my kids. You could look at a travel lodge or similar - you might find one cheap?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/11/2016 11:43

You are not a whiner herbwife; what made you think that?.

Your PILs sound like very difficult people to deal with. What does your DH make of his parents behaviour?.

You have several reasons for not going in any case:-

You are really being dictated to
You have pre purchase panto tickets which are non refundable
Your children do not want to be at their grandparents house and why should you as their parents not be with them anyway?.
There will be massive disruption on the trains in terms of engineering works both before and post Christmas.

Tell them today that you cannot attend and if she continues to be difficult about it, to get your DH to speak to his mother. I sincerely hope he can stand up to her, its about time he did in any event.

Original poster

herbwife · 17/11/2016 11:45

I did mention possible engineering works when Christmas was first mentioned (in September). MIL's response was "it won't be that bad."
Not sure how she'd know, she 'doesn't do trains'.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/11/2016 11:45

Btw herbwife controlling behaviours are abusive behaviours. Its all about power and control, its what they, particularly MIL, want you to do.

I also doubt very much that BIL and his wife have been much consulted on this as well.

Cornishclio · 17/11/2016 11:46

Goodness no I would not agree to spending christmas night in a different house to my kids. I would not sacrifice panto tickets either as they are expensive. No way would my parents or MIL have done this when my kids were small. It is as if she is saying this is what will happen without getting agreement first. You are adults and have your own family. Tell her your plans instead. How far away from each other do you live? We sometimes used to meet halfway as our families lived 200 miles away and we would pick somewhere around 100 miles away and meet them for a meal and a few hours.

Original poster

herbwife · 17/11/2016 11:50

I feel like I'm whining because I'm finding fault with everyone's perfectly reasonable suggestions.

MIL is difficult, FIL is lovely and puts up with things for a quiet life.

OP posts:

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