Christmas visit to PIL

[herbwife]

First time post and a bit of a brain dump, so sorry if it's a bit long/ mixed up.

So received an email from MIL with her plan for Christmas set out day by day and with accommodation organised etc. Seems perfectly reasonable, but she has arranged for us to stay with BIL and his DW while our 3DC stay at theirs. Nothing wrong in that you might think except the DC don't like being there without me as she is very strict about what they can and can't do (no toys downstairs, keep quiet, no mess) basically they can play on the trampoline or colour/ draw (as long as they don't get too many pencils out or use a lot of paper).
They have to share the smallest of the 3 bedrooms, MIL and FIL use the 2 larger ones, so 12 yr old DD1 (who has started her periods and is VERY self conscious about it) has to share what is really just a box room with 8yr old DS.
DH and I are supposed to drop the DC there and then head over to BIL's. BIL lives 20-30 min drive away. Neither DH or myself drive.
They only want DC there NYE. So DH loses a precious day with them (he works away during the week so only sees them weekends and his holidays).
I would have to bring the DC back on my own (5 hour train journey) with all luggage/ presents on a busy tourist line.
We were not asked in advance about any of this and actually have theatre tickets (panto) for the day MIL wants us to go.
PIL won't come to us as it's too far for FIL to drive and they can't stand my DM (another thread entirely)
So AIBU to say we're not going? WWYD?

TIA

OP you dont sound like a moaner at all! I'd say: sorry - not going to work. I completely understand how difficult it is :( Could you perhaps ask (as others have said) to look at asking them to share a room together.

Great idea sparkle but MIL wouldn't go for it, too far out of her comfort zone. Plus train services out here are terrible (SW England).

Last time we stayed there poor FIL was relegated to the sofa.

Your eldest is 12 so you've known them for a lot of Christmases, presumably your in-laws haven't just suddently started being weird?

What's happened in previous years?

No-I wouldn't be going. I would be learning to drive though!

Why are you letting her dictate to you? Be proactive and just tell her that none of it is in any way an attractive offer.

Say 'no thanks' and buy small which can be posted.

Small gifts that should say.

herblife

Problem as well is if you are a "nice person" people like your ILs see this as a weakness to exploit.

This is the first time MIL has arranged for us to stay at BIL's. No MIL has been odd for years. I plan on learning to drive in the new year.

I've said "no" to the plans to DH but I want him to tell MIL as she has pushed me too far in the past causing a row that almost split the family and took months of mediation by DH and FIL to resolve.

It isn't resolve thought is it, when she is trying to separate you and your kids from being in the same house over Christmas, and with you so far away with no car.

Mediation does not work out well when it comes to controlling people like his mother and a weak bystander of a man like his father. The underlying issues are still there.

The last email my mil sent me caused me days of upset, illness and anxiety and resulted in me blocking her email, Facebook and phone numbers. I know how you feel and the bit here I don't get is why they write to us, rather than their child? I just forwarded it to my husband in the end and told him he had to deal with it and he did. He didn't want to, because who does want to deal with conflict and nastiness, but tough luck. It's his mother. Tell your dh that you're not going and that its up to him to make that clear to mil, or he will be going alone. Yanbu in any way. You sound absolutely lovely and you deserve to spend your Christmas how you'd like to.

I can be a complete bitch if I have to but MIL will take it out on DH (who is a big boy now and should probably tell her where to shove it) and DC (who I, as their mother, have to protect). There are times when I think my tongue should bleed from having to bite it so hard.

Should have said earlier the email was sent to both of us.

"I'm trying to get DH to deal with her, as my relationship with her is not great -because she's controlling- and I'm likely to tell her to FTFO."
And I think that would be the best approach to take with her. She's not reasonable, so you can't reason with her. FTFO is clear, concise, and not open to ambiguity. Go with it, because nothing else will get through to her.

planty you have my sympathy. Nice to know I'm not the only one with a batshit MIL.

I really want to leftit but I'm trying to be polite for the sake of my DC.

Sleep in a different house to your kids, a drive away, when you don't drive? YANBU for this alone. But YANBU anyway.

Agree with your DH that you're having Christmas at home, but suggest/research a lunch or early dinner somewhere mutually convenient. Or a short visit to them (NOT to BIL's house as well!)

Then he can convey the news to his mother.

Batshit is the right word for sure. I love that word and I had never heard it before my dh used it to describe his mother funnily enough. I know what you mean about the tongue biting but also about protecting the kids' feelings too. I really hope you don't get too hard a time when you tell her to ftfo

Don't go,
Your in laws have reared their kids and it's your time now.
Don't spend the few short special santa Christmas' away from home.
Ye can go at Easter instead.

I am a bit of a control freak and
this is OTT !!!!

Christmas is at home PIL want us over for a 2nd Christmas (their words not mine) leading into new year.

"I'm trying to be polite for the sake of my DC".

You do not have to be "polite" with people like his mother. Being polite gets you nowhere because she is at heart unreasonable and controlling. As mentioned before controlling behaviours are abusive behaviours.

Apart from anything else your children are far more fond of their granddad. However, he is not a great role model either because he has acted out of self preservation and want of a quiet life.

I never understand these threads - you don't want to do it and have no obligation to fall in with batshit plans that other people make, so instead of all the hand wringing angst just tell her no. The fallout is not your problem to fix.
The more people indulge this sort of manipulation, the more it carries on.

Still no

I think you need to undercook the turkey & all get food poisoning!!
Just don't post on facebook all the nice things ye are doing while sick

I think as a possible compromise your Dh & kids could go for ONE night. All stay together,exchange gifts and come home to a happy & sane you!!

Your MIL wants your family apart with your DH and you staying with his brother and his wife whilst your children get to spend their visit with their grandparents.

Travelling back home in early January is an exercise in frustration not to mention expense. Also many if not all seats for such trains would have been reserved months ago. Your MIL does not care about this at all because she does not care anyway or actually "does trains".

What sort of second Christmas would you all have with these people; it sounds miserable. This is all about what she wants, she has never considered anyone else other than her in this scenario.

How is this in any way reasonable let alone feasible?.