Christmas visit to PIL

[herbwife]

First time post and a bit of a brain dump, so sorry if it's a bit long/ mixed up.

So received an email from MIL with her plan for Christmas set out day by day and with accommodation organised etc. Seems perfectly reasonable, but she has arranged for us to stay with BIL and his DW while our 3DC stay at theirs. Nothing wrong in that you might think except the DC don't like being there without me as she is very strict about what they can and can't do (no toys downstairs, keep quiet, no mess) basically they can play on the trampoline or colour/ draw (as long as they don't get too many pencils out or use a lot of paper).
They have to share the smallest of the 3 bedrooms, MIL and FIL use the 2 larger ones, so 12 yr old DD1 (who has started her periods and is VERY self conscious about it) has to share what is really just a box room with 8yr old DS.
DH and I are supposed to drop the DC there and then head over to BIL's. BIL lives 20-30 min drive away. Neither DH or myself drive.
They only want DC there NYE. So DH loses a precious day with them (he works away during the week so only sees them weekends and his holidays).
I would have to bring the DC back on my own (5 hour train journey) with all luggage/ presents on a busy tourist line.
We were not asked in advance about any of this and actually have theatre tickets (panto) for the day MIL wants us to go.
PIL won't come to us as it's too far for FIL to drive and they can't stand my DM (another thread entirely)
So AIBU to say we're not going? WWYD?

TIA

OP, sorry I misread about the panto earlier. Obviously going to the PIL'S is out of the question. It's good that you and DH aren't fooled by MIL. A good response is 'DH and I will discuss that and let you know' when a response is required as it sends her the message that her old tactic won't work.

herblife

Re this part of your comment:-

MIL is difficult, FIL is lovely and puts up with things for a quiet life."

Not surprised to read that MIL is difficult; she has probably been difficult her whole life.

No herblife, FIL is not lovely at all. He is her enabler and hatchet man who willingly does her bidding. He has failed to protect you from his wife's excesses of behaviour out of wanting self preservation and want of a quiet life. He is really a weak bystander of a man.

You could now e-mail MIL and tell her that you have discussed it as a family and unfortunately will not be attending due to long standing prior arrangements.

I have tried to discuss it with DH. He doesn't know what to do about it as he can see both sides. PIL don't get to see DC much as we live so far away.

OP Your Mil .......

Well, Mine would LOVE to be able to trot out plans for us all like that but over long hard years we have just about managed to reign her in, but only just op, she is chomping at the bit and is already lurking over our xmas plans like the cloud of misery she is.

This is normal mil behaviour, you are in control of your life, be light - casual and matter of fact. There is simply no way we can make it this year Mil, thats it.

If she pushes further, " sorry but everything is working agaisnt us - and we want to be with the DC and we have a panto already booked, sorry see you soon"

no herbwife you do not sound like a 'whiner' you sound like a parent who would like to make their own plans for Christmas without being dictated to about who will sleep where and who will do what

well this of course x 10000000000000000000000000000000000000000

she is in control of her life and happiness and you in charge of yours. its not her job to make you a great xmas, thats your job and in your control.

Dont be wishy washy with your DH dont get bogged down in the mire of un certainty, the plans are not going to work this year, its simple.

I cannot believe that you are separated from your DC, there is no way I could put my dd through that - and playing with a restricted amount of pens. But I guess its "their house their rules" sadly these rules make the DC resistant to a visit, so don't go.

He has failed to protect you from his wife's excesses of behaviour out of wanting self preservation and want of a quiet life. He is really a weak bystander of a man

wow - what a great line Attila! There are plenty of these men out there!

Tell them you aren't going....you have other plans. When I got married, we told both sets of parents we would be having Xmas dinner in our own home and we have stuck to that. We used to visit both sets in the morning (thankfully they don't live far away) and be home for lunch....works marvellous!!!!...in fact for last couple of years in laws have gone away for Xmas and we haven't had to go at all.....happy days....

MIL wasn't always like this, her behaviour has deteriorated over the last 10 years or so. She has some mobility issues (awaiting surgery) FIL is her carer.

Bloody hell I'm drip feeding now aren't I

It's a no from me, too. Your MIL is being controlling and showing a complete lack of empathy for her grandchildren, her son and you. Be strong and assertive (and you may have to be the bad guy if DH is struggling to deal with his mum). I think I'd try and be brave and calm and just say we've decided as a family to spend Christmas at home this year, why don't we get together on xx day (somewhere in between for family lunch?). Don't address any of the plans/give specific excuses/apologise. This is her fantasy, it's nothing to do with you and you are not whining. It's also really bloody irritating that this is taking up your time and energy when all this 'planning' is unasked for. Your family unit comes first. You'll probs have a shit storm to deal with but seriously, have some chilled family time together and enjoy.

Its not your fault that you live so far away from each other and in this case distance is a good thing. Your DH also works away during the week so Christmas time is one of the few times of the year he will spend consecutive days with his children.

His primary loyalty is to his family now, not his parents. What his mother has proposed here is unworkable on so many levels and with no real consideration for anyone other than her own self.

As others have said, email her today, now, saying no thank you that doesn't work for us as we've already planned our family Xmas at home. You don't have to give any further explanation. She'll rant and sulk but that's really her own fault for being so controlling. What a cheek!

That sounds like a massive fuck on - all of it! Tell her you've made plans, end of. What is she going to do? Kidnap you all and take you there by force?

Also she may be controlling but you're only giving power to that by letting her. I know from low level controlling issues with my own parents - you know what happens when I don't go along with their plans when it doesn't suit me? They twist, pull faces (cry ffs), moan to my siblings but they get over it, especially now I've set a precedent and although they still try it they know when I say 'no' I bloody mean it and it stops til the next episode

Herbwife. In a couple of your posts you have used the word reasonable in regard to MILS plans. They are actually very far from reasonable - they are utterly outrageous.

Oops! Sorry. I misread. It's other posters suggestions you are calling reasonable, not MILs. Anyway, she's still bloody outrageous!

Just say you are spending Christmas at home this year (presumably you want to see your mum too). Invite them over to yours, its her issue if she doesn't want to see your mum.

Like a PP mentioned, I think once you have a child its time to spend time at home rather than making them traipse round the country after relatives. Christmas is about kids. If they want to spend time with their son and grandchildren they could come to you (assuming they are physically able to catch a train etc)

MIL's plans could be considered reasonable if not for the points listed and the fact that she didn't fecking ask us first.

Reading this thread I herbwife getting the impression that you're almost hoping someone will say YABU. But you're not you know.

"Gosh that's a detailed plan! We've got panto tickets and xyz (book other stuff too) booked for those days so we will need to make other plans. We won't be parted from the kids at Xmas. Why don't we ...(insert whatever actually suits you here.)'

My parents live with me, which is part of the problem (but that would be a thread all on it's own). As I think I've mentioned MIL doesn't 'do' trains.

Nothing about them is reasonable tbh.

I wonder if BIL and SIL are aware they're hosting your 3 DC over xmas.

The big row over the summer rings a bell, did you post about that at the time? It seems as if she may have gone too far the other way this time, having it all laid out hour by hour before she brings it to you both. The whole situation sounds exhausting.

I didn't think I was BU but I've had this going round in my head since I got the email so I'm doubting myself.

The key is breezy breezy breezy, and never ever apologise or explain. start from the assumption that you'll be doing what YOU want , not from the assumption that she gets her way. You present it as a done deal,

'5 hour train journey? Gosh what an idea MIL...'
'Apart from the kids at Xmas? Gosh what an idea, well no of course we won't be doing that mil.'
'We have panto tickets and xyz booked, lets see what else works.'

NO negotiation with people like this. Don't even dip a toe into he argument. You cheerily bulldoze through with 100% conviction that what YOU want is happening and that their plans are insanity.
It does work, but you and dh have to be united.