Christmas visit to PIL

[herbwife]

First time post and a bit of a brain dump, so sorry if it's a bit long/ mixed up.

So received an email from MIL with her plan for Christmas set out day by day and with accommodation organised etc. Seems perfectly reasonable, but she has arranged for us to stay with BIL and his DW while our 3DC stay at theirs. Nothing wrong in that you might think except the DC don't like being there without me as she is very strict about what they can and can't do (no toys downstairs, keep quiet, no mess) basically they can play on the trampoline or colour/ draw (as long as they don't get too many pencils out or use a lot of paper).
They have to share the smallest of the 3 bedrooms, MIL and FIL use the 2 larger ones, so 12 yr old DD1 (who has started her periods and is VERY self conscious about it) has to share what is really just a box room with 8yr old DS.
DH and I are supposed to drop the DC there and then head over to BIL's. BIL lives 20-30 min drive away. Neither DH or myself drive.
They only want DC there NYE. So DH loses a precious day with them (he works away during the week so only sees them weekends and his holidays).
I would have to bring the DC back on my own (5 hour train journey) with all luggage/ presents on a busy tourist line.
We were not asked in advance about any of this and actually have theatre tickets (panto) for the day MIL wants us to go.
PIL won't come to us as it's too far for FIL to drive and they can't stand my DM (another thread entirely)
So AIBU to say we're not going? WWYD?

TIA

This is why Christmas Eve and Day is just me, DP and DC.

We both work full time. The most valuable Christmas gift our DC could have is spending days together. Not for a second would I tolerate my DC being farmed out to one house and us in another. And especially not a house where their play is massively restricted. I strongly suspect that your BIL was as equally surprised about having to look after your kids while you are housed elsewhere.

The travel arrangements don't work for your family. The sleeping arrangements don,t work for your family. The days requested don't work for your family. Just tell you DH to say this and that you would be making your own plans.

Just don't have the argument. You're doing x. End of. Those plans won't work, how about....?

It would be just DH and myself at BIL's. Not me this is my first post.

Just say no, you have plans but why don't we all meet up on 22 Jan (or whatever)

Bloody hell do you have my inlaws lol , just say no you have previous plans you will be coming at x date and staying a couple of nights in a travelodge so you can stay together , you can then visit people at your own leisure

Ah I got it the wrong way round, You at BILs, kids at the grandparents.

Well maybe you and daughter could share a room at one house and DH and DS share at another house. IF you really really want to see them and stay over. But...I would be thinking this sounds like such hassle. Maybe don't bother

Reply to her email with;

Dh and I have discussed this and these plans don't work for us.

1. We are already busy on some of the dates you have given, and the return journey is not suitable without DH, so new dates need to be arranged
2. even if new dates are arranged, we would not be sleeping in a separate house to the DC.

Also she may be controlling but you're only giving power to that by letting her.

^ this

This is crazy! She can't make decisions like that on her own! I wouldn't go unless I could spend the nights with my children - both for their sake and my own. If she can't put you up and your BIL can't put you all up, then you can't go.

What would YOU and DH actually like to do, herblife ?

First question

Do you want to go?
Do the kids want to go?
Does your DH want to go?

Sounds like

NO
NO
Yes because I feel guilty!

Say no - go another time

She's mad and manipulative. Don't leave your children with her.

I think you would be completely reasonable to say this is inconvenient without tickets - but I think having already purchased these makes it much simpler. Agree that the best idea is simply to say "I'm really sorry, we can't make it that day as we have tickets for a panto (insert picture if you feel it would help). We could, however, visit between X and X. We'd like to stay together so if that isn't possible at houses, we are more than happy to stay in a hotel near to the train station and meet up from there."

Op it sounds even worse, she has mobility issues but wants the dc there without you?

You need to arrange visit at another time.

Batteries that wouldn't work either as there would be nowhere to put DD2.
TBH I don't want to go either it's just too bloody stressful. The journey is hell, the trains back are always packed and the kids are miserable while we're there.

I think DH wants us to go but won't say so because he knows how I feel.

Your children's wishes are just as important as hers.

You've had an unanimous YADNU here.

Time to bite the bullet and mail her that 1) it doesnt work for you that day and 2) your children want to be with you over christmas and that you want to be with them.

Just say no. DH and I did...after a few years old not having a nice Christmas at all.

DH might want you to go but it's selfish of him if he prefers to ruin everyone elses' Christmas just to see his parents who don't even sound that nice.

The DC are torn because they want to see FIL but not MIL because of the way she is with them.

Absolutely no way. She sounds like a woman you will never please ... so don't even try. Been there and have that t shirt

No to MIL's plan. Not fair on your DCs. Suggest meeting for long lunch / exchange of gifts at a town halfway between you with decent train service. BIL and SIL can join too if that would make it more jolly (and drive PILs if FIL not up to it). DH's family are very difficult but we've had some success with lunches out as takes the pressure off and behaviour improves in public

Is your DH happy to go on the terms she has presented (dictated)? Is he happy to be separated from the DC? It sounds like FIL isn't the only man in the family who needs to stand up to her. Just because she is controlling it doesn't mean you have to let her control you.

There's no way I would be doing this, especially because of the way she has arranged it.

Why does she want your children at hers without you?

YANBU. Decline politely, and don't give reasons or your MIL will find "ways round them". Reply to the email and say "Thanks so much for thinking of us and your ideas about meeting up at Christmas, what a lovely surprise. Unfortunately though, we already have plans to stay at home this year. We also feel the children need separate rooms now they are older. Would you like to meet up on X date at Y?"

I am usually one for finding a compromise where possible, but in this instance I would just reply saying these arrangements don't work for you and that you will arrange to visit on another occasion when you can be together with the children rather than so far away, especially as neither of you drive. Obviously they will understand how difficult the journey is for you, especially as they don't have experience of train travel and choose themselves not to drive to you.

Maybe suggest they come to you instead and offer to find them a hotel/b&b to book. When they refuse, just say 'oh well, obviously we can't find a mutually acceptable arrangement this time, never mind, we'll look forward to seeing you later in the year.

Do they know the time of the Panto? If not, say "Oh, that's very sad that we can't travel after the panto as it's the evening performance we got the tickets for" or some such.

Don't go if you don't want to. If you want to meet up, do it on neutral grounds somewhere between your place and theirs over the festive period.