Christmas visit to PIL

[herbwife]

First time post and a bit of a brain dump, so sorry if it's a bit long/ mixed up.

So received an email from MIL with her plan for Christmas set out day by day and with accommodation organised etc. Seems perfectly reasonable, but she has arranged for us to stay with BIL and his DW while our 3DC stay at theirs. Nothing wrong in that you might think except the DC don't like being there without me as she is very strict about what they can and can't do (no toys downstairs, keep quiet, no mess) basically they can play on the trampoline or colour/ draw (as long as they don't get too many pencils out or use a lot of paper).
They have to share the smallest of the 3 bedrooms, MIL and FIL use the 2 larger ones, so 12 yr old DD1 (who has started her periods and is VERY self conscious about it) has to share what is really just a box room with 8yr old DS.
DH and I are supposed to drop the DC there and then head over to BIL's. BIL lives 20-30 min drive away. Neither DH or myself drive.
They only want DC there NYE. So DH loses a precious day with them (he works away during the week so only sees them weekends and his holidays).
I would have to bring the DC back on my own (5 hour train journey) with all luggage/ presents on a busy tourist line.
We were not asked in advance about any of this and actually have theatre tickets (panto) for the day MIL wants us to go.
PIL won't come to us as it's too far for FIL to drive and they can't stand my DM (another thread entirely)
So AIBU to say we're not going? WWYD?

TIA

I'm with Attila on this one. 'Being polite' is modelling behaviour to your children that i don't think you want them to emulate. You might see it as polite but in reality it is knuckling under to unreasonable demands. Is that what you want your children to learn to do? Or would you rather they felt able to stand back and say 'no that doesn't work for me'?

There are a host of solid practical reasons why her plans won't fly. Do not allow yourself to be backed into a corner where you have to agree to go, and more importantly do not allow your children to see that unreasonable people get what they want.

Don't go, just say you already have plans. Don't say what. She didn't confer before hand.

All in all that sounds like an awful time she has arranged.

I'm not sure I;m seeing why you are being polite for the sake of your DC ? what are they getting out of it....shoved into sharing a room , no fun allowed in the house with a gran whose a nightmare and a mum stressed to bits and two weak willed men fussing about trying to make sure theres reconciliation..... and the good news for your children is what?

and even if you did go (over my dead body would i put my children through that)why would you be coming back not with DH anyway ?

Just say NO it doesn't work for us.....

ADERYN this is not angst hand wringing or otherwise. My priority is my family, I'm asking for other opinions so I can be sure my MIL is BU and not me because that is how she will paint it to everyone else. I also want my kids to be able to have a relationship with the grandfather, aunt and uncle they love.

herb, you know you are not being unreasonable to not want to do this. You are fully aware that it is manipulative behaviour for your mil to pretend that you and dh have each agreed to this separately. Just the fact that you don't want to do it is a good enough reason to say no to this! The quicker you put a stop to it, the better.

It is not necessary to give in to unreasonable demands in order for your dc to have a relationship with their grandfather and other relatives.

But what does it matter what she says to everyone else? who everyone else?
if the Aunt and Uncle want a relationship why dont they come to you? they are 2 adults there are 5 of you...including children why do you have to shlep on the trains seriously I'm sure your children would much rather stay at home with their presents and friends and a less stressed mum...

DH would be going back to work the day we are due back. I won't see him until Friday then I will tell him to pull up his big boy pants and sort out something more appropriate or my (and the kids) original 'hell no' stands and MIL can paint me as the villain again.
End of the month seem reasonable?

OK - your DH wants to have a relationship with his parents, so you need to find a compromise.

What, for you, would work?

MIL's plan does sound crazy, but what would be possible? IF you have to go to them, then you will need to accept the train journey. you can't never see them because of travel, so that sounds like a compromise you'll have to make until one of you can drive.

Does your DH work anywhere that's closer/easier to travel to them? Could you do a weekend at the very start of the year with you all meeting up there?

In other words - come up with a positive suggestion. Can you & DH sleep on the sofa so that you're all together?

Tell her what does work, not what doesn't. That way you don't even have to get into 'but why not'?

so I can be sure my MIL is BU and not me because that is how she will paint it to everyone else

Op, so many of us dils on here have done nothing to their mils and we are still painted as the bad guys, its a burden so many have to bear

You can be polite. 'Thank you for inviting us to visit on X date. We are unable to come.'

If you want to you could suggest another time that is not anywhere near Christmas or New Year, and is most convenient for all your family's work and school commitments. Look at staying in a B&B away from the PIL'S home, or something like that.

Dear MIL,

Thank you for your email with instructions for Christmas. I'm sorry to say that the dates and details that you have decided on don't work for us. DH and I have tickets for a show as a family and other arrangements over that period.

We would of course like to see you all for a "second Christmas" and I'm sure there's dates which will suit everyone, perhaps XYZ January?

As I'm sure you are aware, DD is getting older and it is now no longer appropriate for her to share a bedroom with her brother. She is not comfortable with that and I agree that it is very unfair to ask her to. When we next come to visit, I would be happy to share with DD and DH share the other spare room with DS. If this is not possible then you are, as always, both incredibly welcome to join DH and I here for second Christmas.

Yours
Bla bla bla.

""I think DH wants us to go but won't say so because he knows how I feel.""

He needs to work out how you can all visit and where you will all sleep, as the children get older, then.

This was always going to be an issue, because of the distance between him and his Parents.

Depending on weather conditions, driving may not be that much easier.

So plans have to be made, for all year round future visits, anyway.

Normally I do just put up with the train journey even though it's hell, we went last Christmas. It was my idea to move here so I was prepared to have to put myself out to see family, but they have only come to us once since we moved. There is no give and take. TBH it's her arranging for us not to be staying with DC that is the last straw. Hotel or B&B could work but I'm not aware of any near enough.

SpaceDinosaur I would add "without consultation".

Dear MIL,

Thank you for your email with instructions for Christmas. I'm sorry to say that the dates and details that you have decided on without consultation, don't work for us. DH and I have tickets for a show as a family and other arrangements over that period.

We would of course like to see you all for a "second Christmas" and I'm sure there's dates which will suit everyone, perhaps XYZ January?

OP - Perhaps send a copy to dear BIL so he can see you haven't invited yourself to stay at his place and it's all MIL's grand scheme.

DH works near enough to PIL that he can visit them in the week if he wants to. He makes the journey to be with us every weekend, and I have gone to stay with him a few times, the trip is much easier alone.

Just a thought Herb but do BIL & SIL actually want to put you up or have they also been organised by MIL. Christmas at home sounds perfect.

I remember the hell of being 12 and having to manage one of my first periods at my grandparents whilst sharing with 6 year old DSis

BIL probably was consulted. Just us that are last to know.

BIL I think would like to have DH there for new year and SIL has said about us visiting before.

I agree with Birds, and if the PIL won't agree to provide suitable accommodation for you all at their home, the likelihood is you won't be seeing much of them in the future, especially if you have to pay for a B&B as well as the train. Need to book months not weeks in advance to get cheapest deals for travel and reserve seats. And at Christmas/New Year, struggling to carry presents home.

I'd probably email back 'Fuck no'.
That might not go down too well though.
Failing that, a response like SpaceDinousar's sounds good.

There is no way I'd be staying in a different house to the kids - why can't MIL and FIL share a room so that you can all stay?

There is no way I'd agree to only the children being there for NYE - what about your DH having some time with his children

There is no way I'd struggle back on the train with children and luggage.

No, no, no!!!!

Thanks all . Like I said I was fairly sure IWBU but I wanted outside opinions and possible compromises.
Mighty MNers you have shown me the way.
It's time for the big girl knickers

Fuck that. Just stay at home

indeed herb and your not the first Dil who has had to learn how and when to wear them, real big too

YANBU

Just no. This plan is putting you out massively, reducing your quality family time and takes no notice of your own plans. It is also unfair on your DC who don't want to stay there overnight. If you agree to this it sets a precedent. A version of it may happen every year. Stop it before it starts.