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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not work for free?!

243 replies

PinkyPie80 · 17/11/2016 09:12

Fucking awkward situation I've got myself in. I've name changed as fear this might out me.

I do cakes on the side, not professionally but if it's anyone's birthday etc I will be the one that makes the cakes and I charge for my time to make the cake but not at a professional rate.

We have a family friend that we have known for years. She owns a restaurant and struggled when she first started out so all of our family supported her and brought custom to her restaurant in the form of friends and we recommended her on Facebook etc. She is now successful and doing well.

She asked my mother if she knew anyone that would make her sisters wedding cake. My mum suggested me, the family friend said "money no object" She is foreign and sometimes the language is a barrier so I'm wondering whether my mother misheard her.

Last night my mother and I went to the restaurant to talk about what she wanted. She had cooked us a meal for free so we could sit down and discuss it. Quite an elaborate 2 tier cake with 80 cupcakes. I took the details and at the end she said "don't charge me for the labour, just charge me for the ingredients" I laughed thinking it was a joke but her face was deadpan and she said "I will take you out for a meal afterwards to say Thankyou"

Now because I had just eaten a 3 course meal for free and she is a family friend, I didn't say anything at the time. Came back home and my DH has gone off his tits, saying I can't do all those hours of work for free/a meal.

The wedding is 17th December so she hasn't given me a lot of notice

I have no bloody idea what to do now, what to say!!! Help mumsnet!!

OP posts:

CocktailQueen · 17/11/2016 10:56

Offer her the price of the meal she gave you last night. One meal does not = making a wedding cake! Cheeky mare.

Work out how much time it would take you to make her eleborate cake and cupcakes then come up with a fair price. Send her a written quote.

She's taking the piss. If she runs her own restaurant then she will know the cost of baked goods!!

Stand up for yourself - if you're going to go into business then you need to learn how to deal with all sorts of cheeky, piss-taking clients (as well as nice ones).

MrsGwyn · 17/11/2016 11:02

Oddly in my family it's not he women who get such request - or if they do are quick to politely decline. It's father's offering their sons expertise and time out to others and it causes massive simmering resentment.

It only stopped for DH when I started stepping in - politely saying no- and you need to go here and direct them somewhere - or it's not quite his area of expertise and it wouldn't be fair on them they really need to go here. DH would then echo what I said. FIL did get a bit upset but it stopped it happening. DB started having changing last minute work shifts as it cause less issues than not turning up.

I have seen FIL try and do it to MIL - she is always really positive even gushing and so disappointed she can't do it then - any other time of year - or if something was different then clearly she'd love to do it.

There are lots of way to politely decline.

Rachel0Greep · 17/11/2016 11:04

No, just no! Email, text or ring today to say this is not doable. If you agree a price with her which includes your labour, get the money upfront. What a cheek with her £20 meal in exchange for all of that work!

MrsGwyn · 17/11/2016 11:06

I agree if you do do this get all money upfront - as I image even getting the ingredient costs later on could be a challenge.

sizeofalentil · 17/11/2016 11:15

I would do it for free and consider that her wedding gift.

I think two free meals (the 3 course one you had and the one you've been promised after) + the cost of a wedding gift will equal about £150.

chunkymum1 · 17/11/2016 11:15

I think you need to speak to her (or e-mail if language is a problem/might be used as an excuse, so she has time to translate) and say that you were rather confused at her request to not charge for labour. Like pp's have suggested, I'd tell her you have lots of paid orders and will need to turn away other paid work to prioritise the wedding cake, so you really can't afford to do it as a favour.

I know several people who work in wedding related industries and can tell you from their experience that unless you make it very clear that what you do is a business you will end up with even more awkward requests from acquaintances (eg when they are asked who made the lovely cake and get told that Pinkypie did it and only charged for ingredients). I'd say mates rates is also tricky ground as this can lead to awkwardness about who does/doesn't get mates rates- especially with cake making etc where most customers tend to be acquaintences. It's amazing how some people will claim to be your best mate when they want something for free

confuugled1 · 17/11/2016 11:19

I've found the phrase 'I think we were talking at cross purposes' a useful no-blame get out in situations similar to this...

Could you say something along the lines of 'I think we had all been talking at cross purposes prior to and during the meal last night. As we didn't finish the discussion about the cost, I just need to clarify that I can make you a cake but obviously I can't afford to do it for free so will just charge for ingredients and mates rates for the work - this represents a significant saving on what I would normally charge to make this size cake and 80 cupcakes. And while the offer of a thank you meal is a kind one, it's not one that will pay my bills!'

Then add the other stuff posters have suggested about providing other cake makers and having paid work to do too. Because remember that somebody who is like this is bound to be demanding about the end result because they'll never fully describe what they want, they'll expect you to know by telepathy and be demanding when they want changes.

There was another cake thread on here a little while ago - just things like the cake board, the boxes to put the cakes in, the pillars between the tiers, the specialist gubbins to decorate it - all cost a good chunk of money too that they weren't expecting to pay for.

If it's too much for them to pay you for your time and the ingredients, then they could go to Marks and Spencers and spend £80 on two basic cakes (enough for 80 people) (or £200 for a basic two tier cake with quick and easy simple but elegant decoration) and £150 for 98 cupcakes and then you will have your time, they will have their cake for the price they want and everyone will be happy.

They are just trying it on - don't stand for it! And remember that email is the way to go so you don't get put on the spot. And if you are talking to them, silence can be very effective - if they say something about not paying for the work, make yourself say back that you can't do it for free and then don't say anything again until they say something - otherwise it is easy to fill the awkward silence with gabbling and find yourself giving in just because it can be a bit awkward when it's quiet...

good luck!

Katy07 · 17/11/2016 11:22

What Archedbrowse said at the start.

Original poster

PinkyPie80 · 17/11/2016 11:35

Ok, thanks for al your advice. I've decided I'm going to message her and say the cost will be £150. If she questions it then I will say I can't possibly do this for free as it will take up a lot of my time. I have two small DC's and the Friday before the wedding will be taken up by trying to look after the two kids and trying to make 80 cupcakes which will be no easy task. I will also have to travel to the venue to transport the cakes which I have worked out will take me 3 trips. It will probably cause animosity but my DH said she will never get someone else at this short notice so take it or leave it!!

OP posts:

CruCru · 17/11/2016 11:38

Good, that sounds very sensible.

Shiningexample · 17/11/2016 11:41

I will say I can't possibly do this for free as it will take up a lot of my time. I have two small DC's and the Friday before the wedding will be taken up by trying to look after the two kids and trying to make 80 cupcakes which will be no easy task. I will also have to travel to the venue to transport the cakes which I have worked out will take me 3 trips

No, don't give a long explanation, it makes you seem subservient and apologetic, she will then jump in and take control.
Just be clear and firm that this is the cost and don't leave any gaps for negotiation

gamerchick · 17/11/2016 11:46

Yep ^^ just give a price and she can then take it or leave it.

Shiningexample · 17/11/2016 11:48

imagine us all stood behind you with folded arms and stern faces
You can do this!😁

WhereYouLeftIt · 17/11/2016 11:49

'I took the details and at the end she said "don't charge me for the labour, just charge me for the ingredients" '
NOT. HER. CALL. TO. MAKE.

She's a total chancer. I'd text her back with Archedbrowse's suggestion.

And tell my dad where to get off. If he's so bothered about the "free" meal you can tell him you'll gladly give her the money for that, given how much less (sooo much less!) the value of that meal was in comparison to the value of your work that you are being expected to give. 'That's a £20 meal versus £150 skilled work, Dad! Work it out! Not happening!'

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 17/11/2016 11:51

I'm assuming your DH sees and values your time and skill because he sees first hand the effort you go to, as opposed to this 'friend' and your parents. Could you 'employ' him as your agent? the wimps easy way out option

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 17/11/2016 11:53

Also agree with WhereYouLeftIt Chancers would have a Chanel handbag and a rare Picasso for free/a cheap meal if they could. They know the price of everything but the value of nothing.

WhereYouLeftIt · 17/11/2016 12:01

" I will also have to travel to the venue to transport the cakes which I have worked out will take me 3 trips."
Really? Is delivery included in that price? Surely not! Surely the client will be collecting their order from you?

LadyVampire · 17/11/2016 12:10

Get the money upfront. All the money upfront

MuseumOfCurry · 17/11/2016 12:12

Oh my god and you have two small children!

This woman is just the worst.

confuugled1 · 17/11/2016 12:13

make sure that it's clear that the £150 is your mates rate for doing the work - and that it is in addition to any costs you incur, including ingredients, cake boards, etc and excluding delivery. Then at least you save yourself that hassle - and any hassle if she tries to turn around and just pay you £150 claiming she thought it was for everything. Do you have any childcare that you can include in your costs - nursery? babysitter? Even if you don't manage to claim it back, it would be worth sticking it in there as a cost because it would be helpful to you to ensure the cakes are made properly if the dc aren't around for a day - and if it's a day when they are normally around then that's an extra cost to you if they want the cakes making.

And yes, it is late notice. But point out that M&S have 7 day notice or 21 day notice for some of their cakes and cupcakes so she is still within time for that.

Plus get a big enough deposit up front to cover all your costs - and say that you won't start to make it until you have been paid for these - you don't want to be out of pocket at any point for ingredients in case they decide to turn around and not pay or not take the cake. Also make sure that you include that you need xx days notice (ie the deposit being paid) to make the cake and that the reservation they make isn't fixed until the deposit is made.

ChocolateBudgeCake · 17/11/2016 12:35

sizeof you need to RTFT. No way does two meals for £20 and a wedding gift of £30 add up to £150. Even if you include £50 for ingredients!

PhilODox · 17/11/2016 12:48

Would you honestly have been invited to the wedding, were it not for the fact that you make professional cakes?

BambooSticks · 17/11/2016 12:52

What Archedbrowse suggested is the best response.

You don't need to go into why it's going to take up so much time what with the DCs, the travel etc etc. It looks a bit feeble and apologetic. Just be clear and business like. There is much less room for her to engage or try to negotiate with a message that says it will take x hours at £x an hour. She can take it or leave it.

dustarr73 · 17/11/2016 12:53

And i would tell your Dad to stop offering your services,then there would be no awkward experiences.

ViewBasket · 17/11/2016 13:35

I agree with Bamboo. The price is what it is, no need to break it down or explain it.

Love storm's idea

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