To want people to abide by my rules for public transport

[Bubbinsmakesthree]

My pet peeves on a busy London commute at the moment:

-People who get up (forcing you to move) ages before their actual stop. Unless you have mobility issues, lots of luggage or are on an absurdly busy train you don't need to be standing by the doors whilst you are still miles from your stop.

-If you are waiting for a train other than the next one arriving, then don't wait at the platform edge blocking people getting on and off the first train. Particularly if you then get the hump at people pushing past you.

Add your own rules and rants...

Oh - and this applies to planes too. I generally have a reservation for a given seat. If you are sitting in my seat, the correct response when I politely point it out is not -
Engage in a pointless argument in which you try to reinterpret the simple meanings of numbers, letters (and in some case pictures a small child could understand - eg the ones on planes that have a picture of the window).

Correct response is get out of my seat and go sit somewhere else.

camel got there before me. Selfish fucking pole hoggers. Your entire body does not need to be pressed against the pole. If you do that, I will insert my bony fist into the small of your back and move it until you fucking get the picture.

Be like the man on my (packed as always) train last week - I thought I wasn't getting on, too full, so he reached out an arm, hauled me up with a big smile & said 'room for a small one, come on love'. I am by no means a small one I was so grateful!

Again please wash before going on the bus. Also when it is freezing cold and pissing it down with rain, please do not open the window so that the other passengers freeze. Please don't rip pages out of the Metro, other people would like to read it too.

If the only available seat on the train is next to you and I ask you to move your bags so I can sit down, do not break into noisy, howling sobs and then sit with your back to me for the rest of the journey

And if the train is jam packed with people standing and sitting in the corridors, what makes you think the rest of us will admire your baby rolling around oh so cutely on the seat next to you? Put the baby on your lap and let someone else sit down!

On a long distance train or coach journey, I accept that sometimes a stranger may need to take the seat next to me. That's fine, but please, PLEASE leave me to enjoy my book in peace. I really don't feel happy about being asked so many questions about where I am going, how long I'm staying for, and why- especially in earshot of the rest of the carriage. Honestly, it's like I've been frogmarched onto the set of Parkinson and ordered to lay out my entire life story in under 7 minutes. Fuck that!

Escalator etiquette, do not stand on the step immediately behind me and then proceed to sneeze in my hair or breath loudly.

If you are travelling with a small child please pay attention to them if they are screaming or in distress. Likewise don't give said screamer a bag of sweets or crisps for them to scatter on the floor.

Don't act surprised when expected to pay to use buses or trains. If you get on the back of the bus with your buggy you still have to pay.

I don't hate smellier, (person or food), larger, (person or luggage) or slower (person or confusion). I expect it on public transport. Over nearly 20 yrs of my London commute I've probably been all of them at least once.
I don't like unkindness though.

Mumonashoestring - thank you so much for the phrase 'going all pissywhiskers' - I am going to have to use that at the earliest opportunity!

I don't have an major public transport rules, but I agree with most of what other people have said. It seems like, some people travel in their own little bubble, completely unaware that anyone else exists in the world around them.

The bus company pay good money for people to sit in a call center to take your calls. Those people will tell you when the bus is coming, where it's going, and how long it'll take to get to get there. Those people will a good ten minutes working out your journey and patiently tell you which bus to get, which stop to get on, where and how to transfer buses, where to get off...

SO IF ALL THAT IS ON OFFER, FOR FREE, WHY FOR THE LOVE OF CRIMENY DO YOU HAVE TO HOLD UP THE BUS FOR ELEVEN YEARS ASKING THE DRIVER YOUR INANE QUESTIONS??? CALL THE FREE NUMBER. Because if I didn't have somewhere to BE, I wouldn't have got on THIS BUS!!

Seriously, your idiocy and ignorance are YOUR problems. Quit making them mine by holding an entire bus full of people hostage while you leisurely chat to the driver.

People who refuse to take down their easy to take down buggy and leave me stranded for an hour til the next bus, even when there's no reason not to help me and they have help in the form of other people with them. Yes, you, silly woman.

Stinkers. BO, weed, cigarettes.

Smoking on the team platform right in my face and DDs.

Sitting next to me when there's at least 15 other completely free double seats.

People talking to me. I'm very anti-social, can you tell!!

Take your nose out of your screens and look around you, you heedless feckwits.

If the ticket machine has a note that says cash only, don't approach with your debit card and go "all pissy whiskers" when you can't top up your Oyster card.

Thanks for that phrase.

Similarly, if it says no change given, it's talking to you too.

Don't stop or slow down at the top or bottom of escalators or else you'll get rear ended by a whole bunch of irate people who can get even more pissy whiskers than you.

Here in the West Midlands, where there is one door on the bus, by the driver, to get in and out of, let people off first and stop whining when you have to reverse out again to let someone else off.

FGS - this isn't London where the buses arrive every 5 -10 minutes. You've had plenty of time, waiting at the bus stop, to fish your bus pass out of that black hole you call a bag. You've got pockets even - can you not put change or pass in your pocket, like I do?

I don't care if Shanice is going to your Mum's or her boyfriend's tonight, how long it'll take you to get back for your warm coat before you come back into town again or whether you got another suspended sentence (actually, the last one, maybe) - just shut up.

I have my own headphones thanks, I don't need to hear yours tissing rhythmically away beside me as well.

It's a bus not a playground. Stop letting your kids hit the bell. Stop them running around and stop them batting balls, balloons and other toys up and down the aisles.

If it's such hard work, don't bother going upstairs with your kid, that's what the downstairs is for.

Stay off the bloody stairs.

Vaping is just as offensive to asthmatics as smoking. It's not just water vapour, you numpties.

Don't sit on the aisle seat, leaving the window seat free and then go all pissy whiskers when someone wants to sit down.

Seat swivelers. You're fat, I'm fat, stop being so hopeful. We are not going to get past each other without significant damage.

When you do get up, stop blocking the way off the bus. You're fat, I'm fat, we're not going to be able to pass each other in the aisle. It'll be like watching two balloons squeeze through a letterbox together. Don't be stupid.

Stand towards the back of the bus so I have a fighting chance of getting off and down the front of the bus before the doors close and the bus moves off.

You there! With your nose in a screen. That elderly lady with a walking stick needs a seat. Don't pretend you can't see her.

Please don't pretend to sleep so you can lean over and smell my hair. You are not fooling anyone.

And you can knock it on the head with the masturbating under your coat, too

This is a South West trains specific one - when the train pulls into your station don't stand by the door jabbing at the open button over and over again. The button will activate the doors AFTER the beeps have sounded and the button has lit up. Your constant impatient jabbing will not speed this process up.

Also if I'm next to the door button and you're wearing headphones (and so can't hear whether the beeps have sounded or not) don't ask me in a huffy voice why I haven't pressed the button otherwise you'll get a patronising reply from me explaining the above process.

If it is freezing cold and raining do not open the window

If it is boiling hot and sticky do not close the window

Do not put your hand on my leg

Do not attempt to chat me up

Do not barge in front of me in the queue for the bus and then sit in my favorite seat

Do not discuss your fellow passengers hair/clothes loudly

Do not kick the back of my chair, do not allow your child to kick the back of my chair.

Do not swear loudly at your baby/toddler when they fuss a little.

Do not talk loudly on the phone who the hell are you even talking to for an hour every day before 7am?!

Do not slam your sovereign ring into the poles of the bus as you get off.

Do not put you giant bags in the gangway and then look surprised when people kick them accidentally as they try to get past

No snogging

No chewing anything loudly

Kudos, gingernaut for excellent usage of 'going all pissy whiskers'.

On the tube please don't use my back as a leaning post.

Don't stand with your body braced against the hand rails (poles) so that no one else can hold on.

In addition to all of the above, don't do a wee on the tube. I don't care how drunk you are. Just don't. And if you do, don't attempt to brazen it out by kicking subtly at the puddle as you try to send it under your seat.

I'm glad I commute in the car these days!

I left London for the provinces last week. People actually tried to get on the train before the stream of those getting off had successfully gotten off. We don't know how lucky we are in London.

I wish people in general wouldn't smoke. Another nasty smell on cramped public transport.

No flossing.

No broadsheets.

Just because a tube carriage represents a captive audience, it does not mean everyone wants to listen to you preaching, quoting from a very peculiar version of the Bible or singing hymns. Especially if you couldn't carry a tune in a bucket.

If you turn your laptop screen towards the window to watch porn 'secretly', know that windows are reflective surfaces and we're all laughing at you. Yes, you. All of us.

Oh, and gingernaut spot on

If you insist on carrying your argument in screaming please take it outside.

I was on the receiving end of some entirely out of order public transport issues a few months back.

I got yelled at by a woman on a train (non silent carriage) because me and my friend were having a quiet chat about an event we were off to. She passive agressively sighed for about 10 minutes and then leaned into the aisle and yelled at us DOWN THE TRAIN (we were only 2-3 rows away but it was quite an empty train) because "that's not a conversation I actually want to hear" and when my friend and I looked at each other and smiled she shouted at us again because "And don't think that kind of look on your face is appropriate". What a mardy self-centred bitch.

Most of the train was empty. She could have moved. Or sat in the quiet carriage. But no. She yelled at us twice like we were kids making more noise than our entire conversation.

Thank you ladies.

I like to rhink I'm a fast learner.

Obviously, I like to think I'm a fast learner.