To want people to abide by my rules for public transport

[Bubbinsmakesthree]

My pet peeves on a busy London commute at the moment:

-People who get up (forcing you to move) ages before their actual stop. Unless you have mobility issues, lots of luggage or are on an absurdly busy train you don't need to be standing by the doors whilst you are still miles from your stop.

-If you are waiting for a train other than the next one arriving, then don't wait at the platform edge blocking people getting on and off the first train. Particularly if you then get the hump at people pushing past you.

Add your own rules and rants...

For the love of sanity DO NOT get on the bus wearing a large back pack. I don't want to be hit in the face with it.
Ditto manspreading.
If you're standing please hold onto the bars or straps there for the purpose. You'll look like a total tit when you fall over because the bus has had to slow down rapidly.
Don't lurk at the bottom of the stairs. I'm trying to get off the sodding bus, MOVE!!

Yes yes to standing on the right on escalators.

And don't stop dead at the bottom or top of escalators either.

Do move down the train.

Men, keep your legs together. You don't need half of my seat as well as yours.

Don't eat hard boiled eggs at 7am on the bus

Don't touch me.
Don't talk to me.
Don't sit next to me unless there are no seats.
Don't eat next to me (Snack and non smelly foods= fine, sushi or a tikka sandwich and you can fuck right off).
But don't lick your fingers afterwards. its fucking rank. buy some tissues or do it in private.
Don't bite your nails. I know I'm being unreasonable I just can't stand people eating/chewing/licking themselves. ew ew ew
Don't spill things on me.
Don't stand up and make me stand up when there is 5 or more mins to go until we're at destination (this is only ok when the train is full and you're far from the doors, you're going to want to make sure you get there ok)
Don't ask for my number.
Don't touch my belongings.
Don't reach up over my head to open a window if you have no deodorant on. I don't want to sniff your armpit.
Don't fall asleep on me.
Don't press the bell more than once.
If you listen to music, please ensure that I cannot hear it.
Another thing, again, if you listen to music, use headphones.
If you want to read the newspaper or a book do so but not in my fucking lap, personal space. do not invade it

Remember that your backpack is head height for DC (and babies in slings) so don't whirl round when you're wearing one. I know you don't have eyes in the back of your head, but I do expect you to have wits enough to realise that in a confined space people might be close. Turn slowly!

People waiting for buses, have your money, bus pass, purse etc ready when you get on the bus. DON'T start rummaging at the bottom of your bag when you get on.
Students getting on buses, move down the bus. Don't stand doughnutting around the door so people can't get off.
Don't spray perfume or deodorant around the bus. I will kill you.
Pensioners etc you have ALL DAY to do stuff. Do not get on the rush hour work buses loaded with trolleys and parcels. Obviously working pensioners are excepted.
Basically don't get on any bus I'm on 😉
I've been taking long bus commutes for a long time. I am totally intolerant...

Put some deoderant on. All mouth breathers should use mouthwash. Coffee breath is vom inducing.
And don't take ages to get off the bloody train- can't stand those who linger in the doorway, looking about, then get off when there's a load of people waiting to get off and on. Just get off, and then have a look- pretty much everyone else will be going the same way.

Oh, and you Madam on my tube train last week, old enough to know better. Don't open a little bag with twelve ear studs and put one in each of six piercings on each ear. Do that at home. Or in the ladies' loo at work. NOT ON THE SODDING TUBE!

No farting, talking or breathing on me, no using the bus if you haven't bathed/showered in past 24 hours, no wanking in my general direction, no music without headphones, no man spreading, no huffing when I ask to use a seat you have reserved for your fucking shopping, no Jeremy Kyle style arguments - I don't need to know the ins and outs of what should
be your private life.

Don't eat garlic. Ever. It smells the next day.

Don't sit back and criticise other people "under your breath". Yes that person is sitting in the aisle seat but they are visiting with friends next to them and adults are perfectly capable of asking her to move so they can have the free seat. Listening to you tut about this drives me crazy. For what is worth, she was foreign and might have had a different sweety of cultural rules. But regardless, just stfu.

Remember that, if you have a vast backpack on your back, it is nose height to a short person. It is bad enough being tucked into strap hangers armpits, but please don't snout me one as well.

Please don't ignore me when I ask very politely for help getting the buggy off the train when the gap was very wide. And don't huff and puff and say for fucks sake under your breath when you then have to wait a couple of seconds until I catch someone on the platform to help me because the wheel got stuck in said gap because I was attempting to get the buggy off alone. It is not my fault that the trains are not buggy (or wheelchair) friendly.

Disclaimer, I am a lifelong commuter so never get the train or bus at rush hour because commuters and buggies do not mix well.

When the train is full and we're squeezed right down the carriage with barely room to breathe don't shout "MOVE UP, PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO GET ON". I will be forced to break your face.

Hold onto the FUCKING HANDRAILS!!!! I'm looking at all the standing men (it's always men) on my tube route who are either reading City AM or watching stuff on their phones who fall over when the train breaks / bumps.

Stop standing directly in front of the station gates whilst you try to find your card. I mean ffs... you know you're exiting the station, how did you not know you needed it? Every fucking time!!!

Oh and if I'm sitting in the aisle seat with a free window seat that's because I want to sit in the aisle seat! I'll move to let you past but sit there and I'll sit on you.

MOVE THE FUCK DOWN the carriage. Don't dumbly stare at the poor bastards struggling to breathe let alone move by the train doors.

Stop clinging on to the fucking poles when the train stops and let people move in.

Fucking pole clinkers.

Sorry.... been waiting for this thread for a while...

I have found my people busy catching up on the thread but one thing I hate is when you are on the inside seat and need to get off the bus/train, and rather than get up to let you put, they just swivel their legs into the aisle. That really helps doesn't it

I also get panicky if I am sitting on the inside seat and the person next to my falls asleep. My mind is thinking 'What if they don't wake up in time for my station?', and 'Will the mind if I tap them on the shoulder so they wake up?'

Don't stand in the wheelchair area - which on some trains is the doorway! - unless you really have to.

Oh and another, I bloody hate people who stop at the top/bottom of an escalator, especially if they have one of those silly little suitcases and think that pulling the handle up is more important than getting out of the way and breathe....

TAKE FUCKING RUCKSACKS OFF YOUR FUCKING BACK

And if you are not getting if in the first few stops, don't stand right by the exit doors of the bus

Oh, and move up the tube and bus for gods sake!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm going to lose my shit over these things really soon

Oh don't smile at my baby when I get on if you are the kind of person who will be freaked out by an unwavering stare for the next half hour :)

Oh, and don't ask the bus driver anything, ever, during rush hour. Plan your fucking journey before wankers, you're holding me up

Don't sit at the back of a bus on a warm day, then kick up a fuss and become verbally abusive every time someone opens a window.

Putting feet on the seats
Eating smelly noisy food
Spreading legs and taking up both elbow rests

And, we are sharing the arm rest, your arm doesn't trump mine. Fold your fucking Standard and stop encroaching into my space