To want people to abide by my rules for public transport

[Bubbinsmakesthree]

My pet peeves on a busy London commute at the moment:

-People who get up (forcing you to move) ages before their actual stop. Unless you have mobility issues, lots of luggage or are on an absurdly busy train you don't need to be standing by the doors whilst you are still miles from your stop.

-If you are waiting for a train other than the next one arriving, then don't wait at the platform edge blocking people getting on and off the first train. Particularly if you then get the hump at people pushing past you.

Add your own rules and rants...

No talking. Ever. To a real person or on the phone. And keep your mobile switched off so that there's no ringtones and none of that silly squeaky noise when an email or tweet pings in. Most definitely no leaky headphones. Buses should be completely silent, that's my rule.

If you are in a group of teenage girls, please lower your voice by at least an octave.

Unless you have a visual impairment, don't ask me whether the train stops at X station when you are right in front of the rolling notice telling you where the train stops.

Train carriages are not the place for Heelys.

When you step on to a train, don't just immediately stop inside the door while you look about you to choose your seat. There are probably people behind you also trying to enter the train.

This is particularly true if you are running for a train whose doors are just about to close. The people running behind you would prefer if you didn't block their entry once you have made it on.

If you are using the tube, please remember that trains come every few minutes so dramatically leaping down the last few steps, throwing yourself through the closing doors, or worse still, jamming a foot into the closing doors and wrenching them back open is unnecessary and annoying.

The above points also apply to the use of lifts.

Thank you for your co-operation

Have your oyster/contactless/ticket ready! DONT decide to rummage in your handbag/pockets/bloody suitcase when you are at the barrier!

Hmm interestin, I thought it was the bollocks that too big not that their knobs that were too big for this poor men who need to keep their knees more than a metre apart at all times.

My only rule is that everyone should avoid using my particular mode of transport until I'm in work. Don't think it's too unreasonable.

Have a shower.... so many times I have had to sit on a bus (and then move) because someone stinks to high heaven... which was made all the worse by being pregnant and having super smell!!

If the train is standing room only (and seriously rammed, not just you standing) move down the sodding carriage, unless you are getting off at the next station. It means the rest of us who are only going one stop can get on and off without fighting you.

Stop bloody blocking me in in favour of more traditionally dressed professionals! Just because I'm not in a skirt suit doesn't mean I don't deserve to get off the train.

If you see my knee buckle and me start to cry from the pain, don't just stare at me, give me your seat!

NO STANDING ON THE LEFT!

Get your fucking mulberry bag off the seat and have some respect. Let someone who is standing sit down. Your bag doesn't need its own seat just because it was expensive.

Don't stand in the middle of the damn door of a crowded tube train for the whole journey with your mates making everyone squeeze round you at every stop.

Don't push past young children, they overbalance on steps and get separated easily

If you can help with buggies, or at least get out the way when mum carries them.

Move at the same speed as the crowd. Just MOVE

Also men please dear god close your legs. I don't want your crotch in my eye line thanks.

Let people off the train first before you try and pile on. It's much quicker!

Only ring that bell once

Stop making us all suffer your music, use ear or head phones

Move along the busy bus so others can get on

Please keep your voice down when speaking on your phone

What is it about people who don't prepare to pay/use Oyster cards/loyalty cards? I think Bill Bryson mentioned the fact and said it was mostly women at fault ... arrive at till with no card/purse/money? In my family it's the reverse but how difficult can it be (unless you're very old, have 90 toddlers in tow) to get things ready? You do it every week - what's so difficult?

One for my fellow train commuters: I know you're getting off at the next stop. EVERYONE is getting off at the next stop. Except for us poor bastards who are trying to get on at this stop so we can go to the end of the line. So FOR FUCK'S SAKE MOVE DOWN THE CARRIAGE. And don't you tell me 'there's another one in three minutes' when I've already missed three trains because some feckless twat is refusing to sit in a half empty carriage in case they miss the next stop, which EVERYONE is getting off at so they won't. BASTARDS.

When you get on a rush hour tube, move down inside the carriage. You know, like the announcer says. Don't stand in the open area just so you can lean on the glass as it stops the rest of us getting on. Oh and if you do stand in the aisle, move inside it don't stand at the end. You are stopping others getting on!!!!

Aaaaaannndd breathe!

People who get up (forcing you to move) ages before their actual stop.
What are you defining as ages?

In my case, just after the station before the station before mine.

As an example, if you were on the district line on the Tube, you'd get up immediately after Victoria to get off at Westminster. But think 5ish minutes between stops, rather than about 1-2 mins.

If you are in charge of a group of schoolies remember that STAND ON THE RIGHT means just that for them too. One on each step. Leave the left side clear for the people who want to hurry on.

And make them stand at the back of the platform, not blocking it.

If you are pregnant but not yet obviously so and you want a seat say so and somebody will get up. We can't always guess and to guess wrong when the lady is just fat obese is beyond uncomfortable. Better still get yourself a Baby On Board badge, that's what they are for.

If you've got a buggy and a wheelchair user gets on . . . no, that's been done to a million tedious deaths.

mumonashoestring - thanks for the phrase "pissy-whiskers"! My new favourite!

As to transport, move the fuck down! Yes you, you twonk in the aisle staring vacantly at the mass of squished sardines trying to cram into the vestibule!

Don't take up a table for four on the train for just you and your picnic/laptop/knitting etc and then get pissy when someone asks to sit down in one of the three empty seats.

And just for you, grumpy posh lady on my morning train... when the train is pulling in to the station, if you haven't finished your capful of coffee from your thermos, DON'T tip it onto the floor and grind it in with your shoe, either down it or pour it back into the flask!

Don't congregate right outside of the only entrance to the station to light your stinky cigarettes, I don't want to be blocked in and I don't want to smell of smoke.

Wait until the light turns green on the ticket barrier before attempting to shove your ticket through. If you don't, the barrier won't recognise it and will just jam up, forcing the rest of us to contemplate murder.

Don't breathe loudly.

Don't leave your suitcase in the aisle.

And breathe.....

Don't give me filthy looks when I have to move because your b.o. is so bad it makes me want to vomit!

Oh and don't get arsey with me when you have to step back one the bus because you've tried to get on before I've got off!

don't leave a greasy face print on the window. don't let your hair drag around in window condensation. don't put your hair anywhere near me. ever.