AIBU to think feeding a 12 year old takeaway 6 days a week is neglect

[Arrowfanatic]

Just what the tag says really. The mother is over 20 stone and says she is too tired to cook (single, part time working) and despite being given lots of quick easy healthy recipe suggestions instead will buy pizza, Chinese, kebabs, Indian every night instead. Sometimes 2 takeaways a day on non school days.

Said child is really starting to pile on the pounds as also has free range of junk food in the house.

Mother just says she's too tired to cook and her kids are so fussy they wouldn't eat it anyway. I don't think they have eaten a vegetable or piece of fruit since they were on baby food.

Sillybillybonker I'm positive it's terribly hard, I've not said otherwise. I grew up with a single mother, I'm know it's dreadfully hard. My husband works crazy long hours 6 or 7 days a week, but I know I'm still lucky I have him coming home.

I do think there are issues but none of them worthy of SS intervention.

You said he does not have a coat but then in a later post said he has a rain coat and says coats are un cool so chosses not to wear it.
My 12 yo DS does not wear a coat. He wears hoodies. He has a coat but wont wear it. Does that make me neglectful?

How broken is the bed?
Are we ralking some damage but it still functions as a bed or it it trashed?

As for the take aways then it is a none issue. If mum was cooking:
Chicken and chips
Pizza
Curry
Burger and chips
Chinese
Meat wraps
At home would people say she is neglectful?

She is not parenting in the way some people think she should but none of that makes her neglectful.

If you think your friend is depressed then try and support her with that but not by pointing out how YOU think she should raise her child.
She has 1 nearly adult child who she has parented who is skinny and eats like a bird so is mum at fault there too?

I think this comes down to the level of parenting skill needed before intervention becomes necessary. As a society, I think the approach has always been as 'hands off' as possible, so SS involvement is triggered a point where children are clearly at risk, not when the parenting is a bit crappy. I think that is the approach that needs to be taken here - no, it's not great parenting for kids to mainly eat pizza, chips, chicken and meat pies, but it's not placing them clearly at risk of anything other than being less than completely healthy. Now that sounds awful, but there are many kids who won't eat their greens, who eat a very limited diet through choice, and they rub along okay. There are thousands of children in families where there is no money at all and they are eating food bank pasta and not a lot else - are they at risk because of a lack of fresh fruit and veg as well? Should they be removed from their parents?

Having a few broken slats on your bed and being a bit chilly on the way to school, equally, don't make a child 'at risk'.

The other point is obviously resources. In many local areas, social workers would roll on the floor laughing at the idea that they can intervene with every family where food education is lacking or where the bed isn't in great condition. These children have beds, they have food. How many children are still living in families where DV, drugs, alcohol, sexual abuse, gang violence, extremism etc are very real for them? If social services had the resources to intervene with every family where the kids are eating too much pizza, half the families in the countries would have had their children removed by now.

Some very OTT responses here.

If not wearing a coat on the way to school makes a child at risk then the majority of the kids at my son's secondary school are "at risk".

As for takeaways I guess it depends what the takeaway is. But most are rather calorie and fat-laden. However, I think SS have got much more serious things to worry about than a fat mum making her kid fat, although it is sad.

Maybe the best approach would be to get the kid out doing some exercise to burn off the calories and the fat.

I think you sound like a good friend, OP, and can see you really care about this person and her child. It's a horrible situation to be in, and don't have anything to suggest but I hope you will be able to help. Sad that anyone thinks this is the way to feed children, and then this child will grow up and continue this ...

It is neglect. She is neglecting her child's health.
Please report it.

I'd say its neglect but SS is unlikely to do anything about it, maybe give some leaflets on healthy eating that will probably be ignored. Its sad, but SS have more serious cases to pursue.

She is neglecting her child's health.
Please report it.

No she is not.
She is feeding her child. It may not be food in line with goverment guidlines of 5 a day or what you would feed your child but he is having a hot meal everyday plus what he eats at school.
Unless the child is malnourished or obese to the point of ill health then reporting it will do nothing.

OP you sound like a really caring person and everyone telling you to mind your own business should put themselves in your shoes and imagine they had a friend who they cared about living like this.

I think you are absolutely right to be concerned about your friend's health. I don't think this is abuse (as others have said as well) and your friend and her son are probably quite happy (I'd love to be able to eat takeaway every night!). But she is going to encounter serious problems with being so unhealthy and it's not fair to project this onto her child in my opinion.

I don't really know what to suggest other than maybe getting some of those 'change for life' leaflets from the doctors about the damage unhealthy diets can do. And maybe say to her 'look, I feel as a friend who cares about you I have to give you some tough love. You are at risk of developing diabetes, having a heart attack etc. etc. and there are ways you can prevent it. Here, read these' and maybe offer to cook her some healthy meals that emulate the takeaways? You can easily make healthy curry, healthy versions of Chinese, etc. and show her that it doesn't all have to be green salads. Maybe she will realise she can eat the same things but home-cooked versions will be much better for her?

Unfortunately though there is only so much you can do. I think once you have made your feelings clear it is down to her to change and she sounds like she is in a bit of a catch-22 situation with being too tired to do much. Maybe suggest you go for a brisk walk a few days a week? Say you're thinking of trying to get a bit fitter and does she fancy keeping you company. Maybe if she feels better she will start to look after herself a bit more.

Sorry OP it sounds like a lot for you to do in my suggestions but at least you are trying to help! Good luck!

Have you tried just telling your friend you are worried about her, because she's your closest friend and she doesn't seem to have the energy she used to, and is there anything wrong, and can you help? i.e. not jumping straight in about her diet, but just testing the water to see if she wants to open up? I can't believe she wouldn't already know that her and her ds's current diet are hugely harmful to their health in the long term, and if she carries on like this, her children may well end up having to care for her, rather than the other way round, and watch her go to an early grave. One thing's for sure - you can't help if she won't accept help, so it needs to come from her in the end!