AIBU to think feeding a 12 year old takeaway 6 days a week is neglect

[Arrowfanatic]

Just what the tag says really. The mother is over 20 stone and says she is too tired to cook (single, part time working) and despite being given lots of quick easy healthy recipe suggestions instead will buy pizza, Chinese, kebabs, Indian every night instead. Sometimes 2 takeaways a day on non school days.

Said child is really starting to pile on the pounds as also has free range of junk food in the house.

Mother just says she's too tired to cook and her kids are so fussy they wouldn't eat it anyway. I don't think they have eaten a vegetable or piece of fruit since they were on baby food.

Ask her to see her GP and have her thyroid tested. the tiredness could be a symptom, or it could be depression.
If she refuses help then contact SS with a clear conscience.

Not feeding her would be neglect. It's not great parenting, but as someone who grew up in the 80's on a diet of chips with everything, too much salt and too much sugar, I've turned out OK. At 12 I could rustle up a bowl of pasta or a basic meal. If it was a little child who literally depended on their mother for food of any kind, I would consider it worse.

If you had a dog, and you fed the dog only on chips and takeaway, and no proper dog food, and the dog became obese and ill, what would people say?

No. I've heard about real neglect with my adopted nephews. This is simply crap parenting.

Speak to SS and do it soon for that poor childs sake!

You don't have to give your name or say how you know all this but lead with the fact that the child is sleeping on a broken bed,has no coat,the house is a state and is getting worse,tell them that your worried about the child and the Mum.

You could also put a call in into the school,again you don't have to give your name.

Neglect - well, sort of. Her child isn't going without. But Social Services are not going to be interested in this in the slightest.

...unless it's mixed in with other stuff, which it might be.

" But Social Services are not going to be interested in this in the slightest. "

I can assure you that they would be interested in a broken bed, and no winter coat .

Of course it might depend according to area, but this would certainly be enough to get social workers on the case where I live.

Giving a child a poor diet on a regular basis, whether through incompetence, ignorance, laziness or cruelty, is just as much an abusive act as beating or raping them. It will injure them in the short term and scar them mentally and physically for the long term.

I know people who were abused as children and they would give their right arm to have been fed too much takeaway instead! I'm not saying the situation described in the OP isn't harmful but it's on a completely different level. People can change a poor diet but the lifelong psychological scars of being violated as a child by someone they should've been able to trust to protect them never really go away and can ongoingly affect future relationships. Also attacking a child is malicious whereas feeding a poor diet can be down to ignorance. Children should automatically be removed from a rapist but a struggling single mum with possible depression who's relying on takeaways could turn things around and improve her parenting with the right support and education. Not an accurate comparison at all and very offensive all round.

Hack

Depends where the help/advice is coming from and from what angie.

The no winter coat would be a red flag to school though.

Social services would certainly be interested in an overweight possibley malnurished child with a broken bed and no coat.

But to be fair damsel, some people just aren't capable of parenting to a good enough level. It's not as adhorent as evil sex abusers but they'll still have their children taken away. For example SS might be working with families where the parents have LD which means they can't provide adequate care to a child. It's not their fault they have a disability but doesn't change the fact they can have their children removed the same as a rapist can

Not providing adequate nutrition IS a form of neglect. The coat one is tricky as kids that age do think it's uncool to wear one but he does have jumpers and a raincoat at least. How broken is the bed?

Matchingbluesocks
I do understand that social services can take children away from parents who are incapable but where appropriate they attempt support and education first to see if they can improve and it sounds like the mum mentioned by the OP could benefit from that if she's willing to engage. Removing the child is a last resort not a first step.

What I was saying is children should obviously always automatically be removed from a parent who is sexually abusing them but something like poor diet is assessed on a case by case basis because the parent may be capable of improvement so it's not accurate to compare it to rape as the poster I quoted did.

Oh sorry I missed the rape
Comparison. I totally agree from the information here the woman in question is a very long way away from having her children removed

So any parent who feeds their child anything other than quinoa and curly kale is considered to be at risk of neglecting their offspring? Bollocks.

How come the broken bed and winter coat weren't mentioned in the OP? Surely they'd be more cause for concern than a child being fed regularly? Weird post.

Not only that ishouldvebeen but the kid doesn't get breakfast or lunch! Thank god for the bloody takeaways he'd be dead otherwise

Wind your neck in OP.

As a kid who was repeatedly, sometimes daily, raped as a child it is seriously fucking offensive to describe a take away diet as equivalent. Fucking twaty thing to say.

Op does your friend or her kids have sensory issues that effect what they will eat? Mine do due to asd etc (despite being fed on breastmilk/avacado/humous/whole food only diet til around 2) and as a child so did I and ended up starving and malnourished as a result of whole foods only that I hadon't such extreeme sensory reactions to- strangely as an adult all the foods that I couldn't stomach as a kid I love now. But anyways, I try to think of it as the first rule of thumb is baby (kid) should be fed and go with what my kids will eat. I do try to offer the little healthy food they will eat as often as possible.

So could it be similar? Sensory issues plus her past history of restricted diet and a mix of depression/exhaustion?

If I was you I would call nspcc's helpline for advice. Like others I think the lack of coat and bed are bigger issues. But then again my kids have broken beds because they trash everything due to their disabilities & prefer to sleep on cold floors due to sensory issues. They have four coats each- but they only get carried by me as they won't wear them - they have an aversion to feeling warm. But you should seak advice. And no harm buying the kid a present of a winter coat or offering lots of healthy snacks to try at your house or sensitively asking your friend if she's feeling down etc

blue But in the OP, it states said child is really starting to pile on the pounds. So clearly not starving.

Yes it doesn't make much sense that he's piling on the pounds with so little actual food- just crisps and a evening takeaway?

Oh & op how long has this been going on? There's a big difference between this being the case for years or the last few weeks because life's falling to pieces or similar

I don't know, blue - I certainly wouldn't call it abuse (as changing devastatingly illustrates), nor would I describe it as neglect. Bit of dietary education is probably in order, but I never have much sympathy for an OP pointing the finger at someone else's 'poor parenting'. People in glass houses, etc...

OP you said in your opening post that she had kids (PLURAL) Yet in subsequent posts you only talk about the one child

I don't think it's abuse either. Just agreeing with you that it's odd the takeaways are the focus of the OPs thread when there seem to be far more immediate problems (no coat/ bed/ breakfast)