AIBU to think feeding a 12 year old takeaway 6 days a week is neglect

[Arrowfanatic]

Just what the tag says really. The mother is over 20 stone and says she is too tired to cook (single, part time working) and despite being given lots of quick easy healthy recipe suggestions instead will buy pizza, Chinese, kebabs, Indian every night instead. Sometimes 2 takeaways a day on non school days.

Said child is really starting to pile on the pounds as also has free range of junk food in the house.

Mother just says she's too tired to cook and her kids are so fussy they wouldn't eat it anyway. I don't think they have eaten a vegetable or piece of fruit since they were on baby food.

*as there are in this case

Everyone asking why I didn't say about th bed & coat in original post, I did say in a later post why but I shall repeat. I believe the cost of the takeaway is what is leading to these other issues, the exhaustion she feels probably from this bad diet I believe is leading to many of the other issues like not realising that she needs to address these issues. The bed has broken slats.

She has an older son, he is a much older teenager and eats like a baby bird so is a skinny rake.

Re the no breakfast/lunch thing, I mean a proper meal. He eats crisps, sweets, plain slices of bread, but she doesn't actually ever prepare a proper meal. Many ready meals they won't eat due to them having veg, onions etc in them already.

She is extremely fussy, she actually says she hates the taste of healthier food and because she won't eat it I wonder if her habits have been passed to her children??

I believe she loves her children, of course she does. I don't want to get her into trouble, but I just don't know how to help or even if I should help.

Oh and a PP comment saying "wind your neck in" doesn't help. Sorry if I am showing concern for another human being and at a loss as to what to do. Mumsnet is known for having a vast array of really helpful women who offer great advice and a wonderful sounding board. I didn't realise there was an unspoken rule about what could be asked.

Someone asked upthread why the school hadn't questioned the lack of coat. I'd suggest that that would probably be due to the fact the child,in question would be year 7 or 8. Really it is not in the slightest bit unusual for teens not to wear coats regardless of the weather. A coat just isn't cool! There have been millions of threads about this on here over the years. What's more the school probably wouldn't even know, loads of school insist coats are other put in bags or lockers, not allowed to be worn in the building. I know this isn't the point of the thread but I think I have a valid point.
With regards to what to do, I would probably invite them to dinner as often as possible. If you really what to alert authorities about this you could go through the school. They may act on a child never being given lunch and look at the overall situation which does look as though the family could benefit from some support.

how do you know what they eat for dinner every night of the week?

Lots of things not stacking up for me OP. Like not mentioning the coat til halfway through the thread, then backtracking a bit. And the children that became one child.

As ever, the thing to do would be take practical steps to help rather than bitch on mumsnet.

WLF46 - giving them takeaway every day is akin to beating or raping them? Really?
Seriously get a grip. Whilst I agree feeding a child like this everyday is abusive to a degree it is not even anywhere near beating or raping. That sentence is ridiculous.

How do you know the family and all this info about them? Are they relatives?

Pink pop I already said, she doesn't hide the fact she does it and a family friend has been staying with her for a few weeks and has been telling me because she is equally concerned.

Laurie Marlow I never changed to multiple children. I said about the 12 year old as he is the one who is gaining weight and who I am concerned about as older child is nigh on an adult and not gaining weight in this way. So nothing to not stack up there.

I'm a CASA (Court-Appointed Special Advocate) for my local Children's Services Department. During our training about how to write our reports and make recommendations to the judge, they taught us it is important not to judge the parents based on our own standards. They specifically used the example of feeding the kids McDonald's for dinner every night. Though it's not what most parents do, it's not neglect, and it's not a reason for Children's Services intervention. Not feeding the child at all, or feeding spoiled or otherwise inedible food is neglect.

Myself and the friend staying with her have said to her, you know "takeaway again, really?" But she always just says she's too tired to stand cooking and no one will eat it anyway. It's hard to think about being more forthright as I really don't want to offend her and anyone on here whose been the butt of it knows we mums instantly go into offend mode if our parenting skills are feeling criticised

Soozey not relatives in all but name. We have been connected to this family in many ways for decades, closer than friends but no not officially family.

arrow Your most recent post is a little more illuminating, and you do sound like a caring friend. I think the earlier posts made you sound a little judgemental, if you don't mind me saying so. I don't think it's a case for SS but I'm not entirely sure what you can do.

I tried doing the sugar-free diet (as in no ketchup etc) with DS and I - neither of us were very happy. DS burns a lot of calories, so I'm grateful for what he does eat.. I think you just have to let this go.....if you have concerns about serious neglect/abuse, then of course contact SS, but at the moment, I'm not sure what you can do,

Why did the friend staying with her not offer to cook and show her some easy meals?

Meadows76 she tried but my friend refused. Still just said she's too tired and the kids wouldn't eat it.

But the irony is she would go out and get a takeaway and in that time could cook a meal.

God it's so hard. I really feel like the long term impact of this diet for herself and her son will be detrimental and I'm so worried but I also just don't want to upset her. She's so nice!

I would speak with the nspcc and they can advise what they feel is best if you are really concerned it is not great because the child in question is not being fed properly if you did this maybe someone could help her with basic healthier alternatives more than anything I just don't know how someone could afford that many takeaways

Actually, I think in cases like this that school should be teaching kids how to cook.

There's no argument against not preparing our children as much as possible for independence.

Cooking in order to feed yourself and stay healthy is an absolutely basic skill, like toilet training or crossing the road.

OP, could you spend some time showing the boy how to cook?

You sound like a very kind friend.

No proper bed, no proper coat, no boundaries for behaviour, inadequate diet, no motivation from parent to change any of this. This is absolutely neglect OP and I would most definitely refer to Social Care.

You get a mauling on here from some people for ever expressing an opinion about anything, but you are right to be concerned and right to ask for advice

PrettyBotanicals that's a great suggestion. I hadn't thought of that. I guess I could try, I know lots of simple easy recipes.

Well, with that diet, she is clearly harming her own and her children's health. Diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease and malnutrition (which is NOT the same as starvation, as you can be grossly obese and malnourished if you eat the wrong food) spring to mind. Also arthritis from the excess weight on the joints. She is putting stress on every single organ inside her body - she could even get liver failure from a diet like that. She may be OK about inflicting that on herself, but she is also doing it to her children - malnutrition to both, obesity to one. Her behaviour is not objectively OK. However, I can't help thinking she's depressed to be behaving as she is, and deeply screwed up and confused by her own childhood experiences. Unless extremely uneducated, she will know that crisps for breakfast and two takeaways a day with no fresh fruit or veg are a killer diet.

In my experience, boys starting with bare (bought) pizza bases and familiar stuff (ham, cheese, onions, tomato sauce) are invariably thrilled with the fact the result is delicious.

It's not the greatest thing nutritionally but it's a start.

Basic tomato sauce (tinned toms, garlic, onions, herbs, pinch of sugar) over pasta, lots of cheese. Reduce down and use for pizzas.

Chicken with Cajun spice, potato wedges.

Mimic fast food to start with and be absolutely blown away whatever the results. Get his mum to try it too.

Spaghetti and meatballs, Bolognese, work up to a lasagne.

The day one of my wards made a bechamel after telling me he'd only ever eat KFC was a proud one. 12 isn't too old to find cooking fun. If his mum might prove tricky, get him to cook at yours then either have too much so he has to take some home or just send it anyway.

In a foil container!

There are lots of practical things you (and this relation/house-guest, who seems peculiarly useless, if you don't mind my saying so) could do to help though.

For a start, bed-slats are easy to fix. You can go to Homebase or a local shop and ask them to cut slats to exactly the right size (or they may have them in stock anyway - it's a common thing). Why don't you say to your friend, "come on let's get this bed fixed?"

I don't know how fussy they are as eaters, but you could also introduce her to some local cafes or pubs where you can get a healthy meal.

Teaching the boy to cook - just an omelette or something! - also a good idea.

My 10 year old and my 15 year old refuse to wear coats to school. My 13 year old will wear a coat. Some kids just think it is uncool.

My next door neighbour once came round and offered to buy dd(13) a winter coat. She went away comforted by the sight of at least 3 hanging up rejected. Sometime you just can't make that age wear coats.

Re takeaways. If it was my friend I would take her round a few 'Arrowfanatic takeaways) i.e. home made ready meals. Wilkos have containers for them just like you get from takeaways, very cheap, a pound a pack of six. I make them a lot for mum, student dcs, and a friend beset by problems, it's easy to make a chilli, lasagne portion, pasta dish, curry etc that will microwave quickly into an instant proper meal. I've had them made for me too, if your friend has depression it will make her feel loved and cheer her up and you can always say 'do it back one day' or 'come round to mine and we'll make a batch together.'

Oh, I see that he does have a coat and wears some jumpers under it. It isn't that cold yet, even. Do you have any idea how hard being a single parent is?