AIBU to think feeding a 12 year old takeaway 6 days a week is neglect

[Arrowfanatic]

Just what the tag says really. The mother is over 20 stone and says she is too tired to cook (single, part time working) and despite being given lots of quick easy healthy recipe suggestions instead will buy pizza, Chinese, kebabs, Indian every night instead. Sometimes 2 takeaways a day on non school days.

Said child is really starting to pile on the pounds as also has free range of junk food in the house.

Mother just says she's too tired to cook and her kids are so fussy they wouldn't eat it anyway. I don't think they have eaten a vegetable or piece of fruit since they were on baby food.

My friend is so lovely and kind and would give you the shirt off her back
So is it nice to repay her kindness by shaming her on MN?

I worked out between takeaways and her weekly food delivery (which doesn't include actual meals) she has to spend in excess of £600 a month
You've got too much time on your hands

You really think it's your business but she won't listen to your concerns and who can blame her when you call yourself a friend but then do this to her. Caring about a friend and their family's health is one thing but what you're doing here ain't the actions of a friend

He has crisps for breakfast, no lunch.

I know about it through a mixture of being there and seeing it and a member of her family who has been staying with her for a few weeks telling me. But it's no secret she loves takeaway, she's very open about it. She doesn't hide it or anything, and the kid loves it. He doesn't really have any rules or anything in the house so gets very mad when anyone tries to suggest he not eat 12 bags of crisps a day.

It's bullshit that people should be taught cooking and budgeting at school like that's the solution to someone eating takeaways every night. Do people even think about that before they parrot it out?

If the poor kid hasn't got a bed or a coat then I'd report the mother. Having takeaways every night is one thing if you can afford it whilst affording the essentials a child needs.

It's neglect - but what on earth can be done about it ? There are not the funds or the skills to address this

Problem is though a lot of families will have crap frozen food, chips, nuggets, frozen pizzas, for tea. I don't think takeaways are any worse - or are they? Genuine question. I struggle to cook.

And in again- in the face of

No bed
No coat
No breakfast or lunch

Why on earth do you keep focusing on the take away? It's the least worse thing!

Tribute - I posted on here for opinions on whether I am incorrect in my thoughts on this matter.

I wanted to ask people not immediate circle as it's a difficult emotive subject and I have no idea if there is anything I should/could do. And I think it is my business if she is struggling, even if she doesn't know she is. I'm her friend and I'm concerned but I don't know if I'm over reacting.

Where I live takeaways are cheap. I couldn't cook it for the price. Mind you I wouldn't eat it. OH has it after he's had beer and I've gone to bed. Mmm lovely waking up to Mr Beery Breath stinking of burger and chips. I must love him.

From the other things you've mentioned your not overreacting at all. Report to someone.

I'm at a loss why you haven't alerted childrens services OP about the lack of beds and coats. Why on earth haven't you ?
If you have time to work out how much your friend spends then you have time to call for someone to help these children

If it was my friend I would stage an intervention and keep it factual
And non emotional

Be prepared to lose the friendship though

I focused on the takeaways as I feel like that is becoming the route of a lot of the issues I am worried about.

Fyi- she grew up in a strict household. Was very very thin, at home growing up her mum was extremely poor so meals were basic, homecooked food so she had never even had a macdonalds until she left home and got her own job.

There is probably nothing you can do except invite them to dinner one day a week.

To me it sounds like she is depressed. I have very unhealthy eating habits at the moment, despite knowing better, and I know it is due to depression and the feeling that I just don't have the energy.

Giving recipe tips won't tackle that problem, and as she doesn't even consider it a problem, she is unlikely to seek help.

Giving a child a poor diet on a regular basis, whether through incompetence, ignorance, laziness or cruelty, is just as much an abusive act as beating or raping them. It will injure them in the short term and scar them mentally and physically for the long term.

Oh please.
She clearly treats this child as she herself wants to be treated - she eats takeaway, too!
That's neglect, but it is nowhere the same thing as abuse.
I would be way more worried about the lack of warm clothes, even.

Re the coat. Her son wears a raincoat and a couple of jumpers and he seems quite happy with it as he's at an age where it's uncool to wear a coat. Again, I find this an issue but worse than the takeaways?????? I don't know. Seriously I'm not trying to be mean or anything to her, and we have spoken to her before but it's gone worse over the last few weeks.

In this case I do think that there would be intervention.
SS wouldn't get involved immediately but I would expect that Early Help would. This is just the sort of issue they are there to help with.
If the mother refused to cooperate it could be escalated to SS.

I could see it happening if the family are living as the OP reports.

I don't think you can compare a shit diet with being raped. How utterly crass.

And I think it is my business if she is struggling, even if she doesn't know she is. I'm her friend and I'm concerned but I don't know if I'm over reacting

You already know there are constructive things you can do though especially about the coats. No one on here can know if you're over reacting when they don't know the woman/situation

Hopefully she will get the right solutions

At the school I work in, there is money available for the students who parents are on benefits/low income. This doesn't ring true, the child should have been flagged up for a lunch token, possibly a breakfast token, and we provide money for a winter coat/uniform/shoes if it is obvious that the child needs it.

Poor kid, it's definitely bad parenting. The coat and bed situations are worse but it all adds to a bigger picture.

Your friend isn't coping and if she won't help herself and her child then she needs some sort of intervention. Maybe give NSPCC a ring?

Matching, I did cooking lessons at school. I hope mine do it but as they probably won't I will teach them.

To me, it is neglect to feed the child shit. Basically neglecting their physical health and wellbeing and setting them up for a difficult life. Possibly an early grave.

She obviously needs help.

You're not unreasonable to think it (I would too), but it doesn't look like there's anything you can do about it.

Yes I do class it as neglect, simple reason she is allowing her child to become overweight, I mean which parent wants that for their child?

I used to be friends with someone who was overweight, I'm talking 19 stone.. She went on to have 3 children and I watched her feed them junk food, reward them with food and sadly starting piling on the pounds.

I did lots at school including cooking. Forgotten 90% of it. It doesn't in any way affect how I cook or eat now that I made some scones in year 7

Why 6 days a week? What happens on the 7th day? 🤔