AIBU to think feeding a 12 year old takeaway 6 days a week is neglect

[Arrowfanatic]

Just what the tag says really. The mother is over 20 stone and says she is too tired to cook (single, part time working) and despite being given lots of quick easy healthy recipe suggestions instead will buy pizza, Chinese, kebabs, Indian every night instead. Sometimes 2 takeaways a day on non school days.

Said child is really starting to pile on the pounds as also has free range of junk food in the house.

Mother just says she's too tired to cook and her kids are so fussy they wouldn't eat it anyway. I don't think they have eaten a vegetable or piece of fruit since they were on baby food.

Christ who can afford that lot ?

Shocking. I'm a rubbish cook and have very little time but it's easy to shove a bag of frozen veg, stock cube and water in a saucepan and make soup. Or do scrambled eggs or beans on toast.

To be honest If a friend of mine sprightly offered me 'lots of quick easy healthy recipie suggestions' unasked she would have a takeaway thrust in her face.

Sorry op back off as there's nothing you can achiever here apart from annoying her and probably making her feel moor shite.

Children have been taken into care for being overweight and been feed an inappropriate diet.

I'm social worker and we've had referrals for very overweight children that have been accepted so yes, it is neglect.

Actually as well greengoddess if your kids were being affected by your choices then you should put pride away and bloody accept advice whether you want it or not.

Thanks for all the replies guys. I'll try to answer the questions.

Not a relative but a friend I've known forever.
She afford it by not paying for things that she should, like the kid doesn't even have a coat for the winter and sleeps in a broken bed. Plus she earns quite well through her job and various benefit top ups.

On the 7th day she will cook a ready meal, but still no veg or anything.
I'm not trying to be a perfect parent, if you've seen any of my previous posts you know I am far from it. But I am genuinely worried that this child will be unhealthy and that my friend will end up with health problems especially given her increasing weight.
Depressed, maybe?
I offered to help her learn some 15 minute recipes, even fakeaway but she and her kids are very fussy so this was refused.
I worked out between takeaways and her weekly food delivery (which doesn't include actual meals) she has to spend in excess of £600 a month.
My friend is so lovely and kind and would give you the shirt off her back, but over recent months has become lazy and takeaways aside her house is also becoming messier and dirtier I suspect as she is getting heavier she has no energy to clean.
When we say to her this isn't the best way to eat she is in total denial, gets offended (fairly as no one likes critiscism) and says they are all fine.

I don't think it's that bad to be honest.

A child can get fat for a myriad of reasons.

I dont see how you could know this unless you share a house with them.

If she can afford takeaway every day then presumably she could also afford slightly healthier microwave meals? Send her a link to the Cook website. You literally just zap it in the microwave and chuck it on the plate.

I think some sure start centres offer cookery courses but I doubt she'll go to those.

People can be overweight for all sorts of reasons, but given that you're describing a very overweight woman eating badly and feeding her children badly (and in turn making them overweight), it does seem like an education/awareness issue IMO. How to raise it constructively, however, I have no idea.

I don't understand this obsession on MN with labelling things X or not.

What difference does it make to the situation to give it a name? It's not great of course. Sadly it's fairly common and lots of take away is extremely cheap. It's not healthy or nourishing and not what a child needs. But how does it being neglect or not affect it?

Also her bad diet will take all her energy ( I know from experience) so it becomes a horrible cycle.
I can recommend suggesting spatone to help boost her energy levels.

(and/or a MH issue, given your last update).

And I've just cross posted- isn't the lack of sleeping facilities and no winter coat far worse than the food situation? I'm amazed that's what you've focused on then slipped those two gems in as an afterthought

It's not good, but I can't see social services running to the parent's door. This is all about a lack of knowledge. Schools need to educate kids about cooking basics and budgeting, just as they did years ago.

That sounds pretty grim. Why are so many people saying that people get fat for all kinds of reason. They don't, they get fat because they eat too much and move too little.

Your friend might well be ill and so isn't able to cope very well. My DD, amongst other things, has chronic fatigue so would probably rely on more fast food if she didn't have other people to help her. Giving her recipes wouldn't help her in the slightest but cooking her and her daughter a healthy meal would.

certainly at school if this was something we discovered, we would flag it as a cause for concern. It would go towards the bigger picture though.

the bed and the lack of winter coat would not impress a social worker at all;.
Those things are basics. If you are concerned about this child, then those things are far higher up the list than eating takeaways.

Schools dont need to educate kids about cooking , parents do.

This lady had probably got into a vicious cycle that is so easy to do, as she gets heavier and less mobile she orders takeaway which makes her sluggish and heavier which makes her tired so she doesn't clean/tidy so the kitchen isn't fit to cook in so she orders and so it goes round and round.
At 12 the child is probably fending for himself in terms of not needing huge amounts of supervision and care from her to do day to day tasks so it becomes even easier to succumb to this way of living which can easy make someone depressed enough to not change things.
What's this child eating for breakfast/lunch? Have the school commented?

Everything you mention no coat broken bed take away most nights all points to her not coping and as a result she is neglecting her child . Are you going to say anything to her Op ?

If the child is getting a healthy and varied diet, it doesn't matter that it's takeaway night every night.

But let's face it, that's not happening.

Giving a child a poor diet on a regular basis, whether through incompetence, ignorance, laziness or cruelty, is just as much an abusive act as beating or raping them. It will injure them in the short term and scar them mentally and physically for the long term.

I saw a documentary about parents feeding young children takeaway excessively, it was called Fast Food Babies It was really eye opening. I think often it's a vicious cycle where parents haven't been taught about cooking or healthy eating themselves when they were young, then they pass their habits on to their children. Or they give into children with fussy eating habits for a quiet life but then get stuck. Also it sounds like your friend is depressed from what you say about her lack of energy and motivation and the worsening state of her home. See if there is anything you can do to help or recommend that she gets help but if she doesn't listen then social services would be concerned that the child doesn't have a coat or proper bed, more so than the takeaway.