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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School: "no babies allowed"

361 replies

Lardeedar · 14/11/2016 18:20

My DD's primary school insists that for all school meetings, nativity plays and parents evenings, no babies or toddlers are allowed to come. I have a toddler that I look after at home, and I'm perfectly capable of keeping him quiet (phone, iPad and lollipops given rarely enough to be novel seems to work) or failing that, I have curtesy and common sense enough to remove him from the location if he does decide to pipe up!

The school just assumes I have a nan up the road on hand to babysit whenever I want but I don't. These meetings or plays are always 2-3. Both my parents are working, as are my siblings and friends, they have jobs and the two that don't have their own kids and school runs preventing them from helping out.

I'm expecting my third child now and am really upset about all the plays and meetings I'll have to miss because they won't let me in with my newborn. Even if I did have available childcare I resent being obliged to leave my (probably breastfed) newborn for any amount of time for such a stupid policy. Is this normal? Are all schools like this??

OP posts:
Chopstick17 · 15/11/2016 14:29

But it would be really sweet if it did!'.
No it wouldn't.

BigPantyGirl · 15/11/2016 14:30

My dd's school requests that no toddlers are brought to class assemblies etc, as they always disrupt them - but certain parents always think they're above this and bring them anyway. Babies are different, but parents should have the courtesy to sit near an exit and walk out if they start crying.
It really annoys me when I can't hear a child's, usually quiet, voice because some obnoxious little brat is kicking off! The children work hard on their assemblies/plays and it's a shame when some parents/toddlers spoil it for everyone else.

Chopstick17 · 15/11/2016 14:34

It really annoys me when I can't hear a child's, usually quiet, voice because some obnoxious little brat is kicking off! The children work hard on their assemblies/plays and it's a shame when some parents/toddlers spoil it for everyone else.

Exactly. I am a TA and see the huge effort put in by the children to overcome their fears of standing up and projecting their voice. So many times they do this only to be drowned out by a screaming toddler or the toddler who was given a noisy set of keys to rattle "To keep him quiet!" Hmm

halcyondays · 15/11/2016 14:37

yanbu, our school has never done this, plenty of babies and toddlers at these things and have never seen it cause an issue.

DEMum101 · 15/11/2016 14:37

Sorry - I haven't read the whole of the thread but if there is more than one performance of a play (or a dress rehearsal that parents can attend maybe) could you get together with another parent in the same situation and each look after the other's child during one of the performances so you both get to see your respective children?

Apologies if something like this has already been suggested.

You could maybe do the same for the parents' evening appointments?

Headofthehive55 · 15/11/2016 14:38

It's the sort of information I think you need in the prospectus. You can the choose accordingly. Along with rules re water, kit Kats in lunch boxes and other elements that really can make a school difficult to be a parent at.

Headofthehive55 · 15/11/2016 14:40

Interestingly one if my children's school insist that the child is there at parents evening!

aintnothinbutagstring · 15/11/2016 14:49

Ours has a creche for the Xmas nativity. Babies/toddlers are not banned from any assembly or parents evening in our school.

awesomeness · 15/11/2016 14:57

i'm glad kids do a blanket ban on toddlers/babies at plays. i have a 3 year old and i'd be upset if she ruined it for someone else, same as i'd be upset if another screaming child ruined it for me

but it's the entitlement era isn't it, and the assumption that other parents won't mind because their parents and they have kids too

JacquesHammer · 15/11/2016 14:58

Can't abide people insisting that their precious angel snowflake could absolutely be trusted to behave immaculately... newflash, s/he can't! That's the nature of babies/toddlers

That's balderdash. My DD has been sitting in the theatre watching me perform since she was 2.

However I also understand that the rules are made because some parents can't be trusted to remove their children if they don't behave which is a shame but understandable.

I do drama with kids - we put on a massive show in a proper theatre once a year - this might be the only chance some of them ever get to be on a stage. We don't audition, we give all of them a part. They - and we - would be gutted if their single performance was ruined by talkers/toddlers screaming etc. I sell the tickets and ensure anyone who buys a ticket with a small child is seated near an exit!

Rainydayspending · 15/11/2016 15:03

Hmm ruined eh? I think there are some people taking plays, assemblies far too seriously.
Perhaps teaching children that their moment / work isn't lost or ruined over a hiccup and teach them to not make a mountain out of a molehill - then there'd be a lot less drama all round. Who knows. Maybe they'd learn to deal with situations rather than fall to pieces.

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 15/11/2016 15:05

If it's an issue, can't you arrange a rota with other parents to organise a crèche in a classroom?

5to2 · 15/11/2016 15:08

I like the idea of a creche, or one performance where they can attend.

I still remember DD2 (10 months old at the time) watching completely quietly and happily her big sis DD1 (4 at the time) as Mary in the Nursery Nativity. It was so cute.

zzzzz · 15/11/2016 15:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NoSunNoMoon · 15/11/2016 15:11

Perhaps teaching children that their moment / work isn't lost or ruined over a hiccup and teach them to not make a mountain out of a molehill - then there'd be a lot less drama all round.

If you are 5 years old and have practised hard then it is a big deal. It matters to you. Their contribution has been ruined by a selfish parent.

Better to teach them to be considerate of other people then they won't grow up to be the sort of parent who thinks their toddlers matter more than the DCs on stage.

awesomeness · 15/11/2016 15:13

when i say ruined, i mean last xmas the nativity play the mother sodded off out to take a phone call on a ringing phone whilst she left her toddler to be taken off stage by the headmistress.......that's why there's a blanket ban at my school, they actually had to stop all the kids whilst they sorted this toddler out and found where his mother has wandered off to

stealthsquiggle · 15/11/2016 15:17

DC's school don't enforce this rule as such, but definitely encourage people to come to the dress rehearsal if they have small siblings in tow. I did exactly that for DS's stage performances when DD was tiny, but have certainly taken her to parents meetings and the like - she got plonked in an inconspicuous corner with a book/ipad and threatened/bribed into good behaviour.

There are also enough staff and parents with no boundaries prepared to "strongly suggest" to the owner of any noisy child that they might want to take them outside.

I can see both sides of this one, TBH [helpful]

Sleepybeanbump · 15/11/2016 15:20

Christ. Is this country really now so un-child friendly that even specify children's environments (schools) now ban other children. Bonkers.
Surely parents and older children can accommodate the needs of other children?
I can see some of the arguments about noise etc but the thing is....if you have no family close by, what exactly are you supposed to DO? I have an exclusively breastfed baby and no capable or willing family close by. Friends either have jobs or their own commitments. I just don't have anyone I can leave him with. So a school policy like this would make attending something pretty difficult! I just don't go anywhere which isn't suitable for him, which is fine, and my choice, but given attending meetings and parents evenings at school is compulsory (ignore the fact that you might want to anyway!) surely the school have an obligation to facilitate that? Whether it's through a crèche or just allowing babies at events.
I think the policy is absurd and totally inconsiderate.

MaudlinNamechange · 15/11/2016 15:34

My dcs' primary school is creeping this way and it's really annoying. It isn't a problem for me - my youngest is now at the school. But I was incensed when I found out from those with younger children, because as a WOHM I have always found their capricious, last minute demands very difficult - and had assumed that it is a school orientated to the families with SAHMs ( not ideal for the WOHMs but at least I thought it was serving someone). Now I find out that it isn't even convenient for SAHMs with more than one child, I wonder what on earth kind of family is good enough for it - those precious few who have parents who don't need to work AND can afford childcare, I suppose. Absolutely fucking bonkers. Schools need to get the hell over themselves, imo.

Hersetta427 · 15/11/2016 15:35

DS's school have this rule but don't enforce it. Therefore, I couldn't hear 5 yr old DS's one line in his harvest festival assembly recently because a selfish parent wouldn't remove her screaming toddler from the room even though the head teacher had specifically said that people should precise to just that.

I really wish they would enforce it for plays and assemblies - not fussed about parents evening though as they are one to one chats so you should be able to hear the teacher.

JacquesHammer · 15/11/2016 15:42

ruined eh? I think there are some people taking plays, assemblies far too seriously.
Perhaps teaching children that their moment / work isn't lost or ruined over a hiccup and teach them to not make a mountain out of a molehill - then there'd be a lot less drama all round. Who knows. Maybe they'd learn to deal with situations rather than fall to pieces

Yep - I'll tell that to the little boy who wanted to be in last year. Who was absolutely petrified. But with real work from all of us and me standing right next to him in the wings he said his 5 words. Can you imagine how crushed he would have been if nobody had heard?

MaudlinNamechange · 15/11/2016 15:43

"My dd's school requests that no toddlers are brought to class assemblies etc, as they always disrupt them - but certain parents always think they're above this and bring them anyway."

If I got that letter, and had a toddler and no childcare, I would be inclined to think "oh no, poor dc1. I can't go."
Others would think "Really? Can I really not go? I can't believe dc1 isn't going to have a parent in the audience just because (s)he has a small sibling. That really isn't fair. My biggest and most important respsonibility is to my children, not to pleasing each and every busy body in the community around me. I think I need to put that first. I'll try to find childcare for dc2, but you know what, if I can't, I'm just going to go. It will be uncomfortable if people glare at me. We might even be asked to leave. But if I don't try I definitely won't go. And dc1 won't have anyone there. I'm going to go for it."

You know what? I think that second parent is right. It's not "above". It's a lot more nuanced than that.

It's breaking a small rule for the bigger picture as a parent. It's the equivalent of faking your own illness at your own job so you can be somewhere you need to be as a parent - you wouldn't do it to go to the pub, but sometimes you have to break the small rules for the bigger picture.

I'm a naturally compliant person. and the biggest regrets of my life have been caused by following rules at the expense of my values

A7mint · 15/11/2016 15:51

Perhaps teaching children that their moment / work isn't lost or ruined over a hiccup
But It does quite literally ruin their moment/work if they can't be heard over a screaming child!

NoSunNoMoon · 15/11/2016 16:02

It's breaking a small rule for the bigger picture as a parent.

Why are you and your family so much more important than all the other DCs? I'm genuinely curious about how anyone could be so utterly entitled and yet not see it.

monkeytree · 15/11/2016 16:03

I've got mixed views on this. I have no other childcare provision other than myself or dh. Dd was doing class assembly last week. Her younger sister has just turned 3. Dd2 doesn't scream or shout but talks loudly and unless engaged in what's going on will want to run about. Before assembly began a particularly obnoxious woman asked me to keep dd quiet in a really bullish way, no please and she shouted at the top of her voice and that was even before it had begun! Then I stood dd up on a chair we were right at the back and a particularly short bloke said he couldn't see - there were seats elsewhere he didn't need to stand there! I was made to feel really unwelcome. There was only one other pre-schooler there everyone else has older children 5 plus so it wasn't their problem and they weren't going to help in any way. In the end I grabbed a box of Lego from reception and left and watched through some glass doors which provided a sound barrier, dd 2 was really happy playing and dd1 saw me watching her but it was a hard juggling act. There was zero support with this situation and it is actually very distressing. I know what to do next time! However I have sense not to stay with dd2 if she makes a noise a child making a noise all the way through is not good. I like he crèche idea but sadly there aren't enough in the school year to work for school assembly, wouldn't it be lovely for one of the T.A's that were floating about the school and not in assembly to look after dd for 20 minutes so I could at least have watched some of it and not to be made to feel like a second class citizen!