Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious the teacher told my ten year old she stinks?

289 replies

madsymads · 14/11/2016 18:14

Family meal yesterday at an Indian restaurant. Might have been a bit heavy on garlic and spices.

DD was quiet when I picked her up today (she had been to after school club) and then suddenly started crying. I of course asked what was wrong and she said that this morning she had gone up to her teachers desk to ask something and the teacher (DD demonstrated) pulled a face and said 'ew, go and sit down, get away from me. What have you eaten? It smells awful.'

Obviously this led to quite a lot of unkind comments all day.

Completely inappropriate. Or AIBU?

OP posts:
BiscuitMillionaire · 14/11/2016 22:22

Would the teacher have said 'ew, go and sit down, get away from me. What have you eaten? It smells awful' to the headteacher? No I don't think so, because it would have been considered shockingly RUDE. Therefore not OK to say to a small child in front of their peers.

SuburbanRhonda · 14/11/2016 22:25

I hope the OP comes back to tell us the outcome after she's checked with the teacher.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 14/11/2016 22:26

OlennasWimple - is right, I think. The teacher needs to know that the girl was upset, and that further upset was caused by nasty comments from her classmates who overheard the remark.

I don't think it was bullying, though. It was a hurtful remark, but I would be very surprised if the teacher did it on purpose. I suspect she would be horrified to know how upset the OP's dd was.

I think it would be reasonable for the OP to have a quiet, calm chat with the teacher.

ChocolateWombat · 14/11/2016 22:29

No one has said it was okay to say it (if the words reported by the Op were what was said). It was not okay and isn't okay to make any personal remarks like that.

The question is about what then happens. It's perfectly possible to acknowledge that someone action was not okay, without feeling furious or taking action.

I cannot see this incident as bullying, as abusive or requiring disciplinary action. If said as reported, it was an insensitive thing to say. Even teachers and other people in positions of authority sometimes do this and get things wrong. It isn't right......but it also isn't the crime of the century.....and it's possible for the OP to recognise with her DD that this wasn't okay, without needing to take it further. Not everything that isn't okay needs action taken and a sense of fury.

IAmAmy · 14/11/2016 22:29

The only thing that stinks in this interaction is a teacher thinking it's acceptable to talk like that to a 10 year old in front of the class.

IAmAmy · 14/11/2016 22:30

I think it's bullying to a 10 year old in front of the entire class. They'd know how it comes across and what could stem from it.

Mistletoekids · 14/11/2016 22:32

Not acceptable. No need for her to have passed comment at all. Teacher is an adult professional, Just lean back and breathe out.

I'd be very upset

SuburbanRhonda · 14/11/2016 22:35

No, amy, bullying is persistent and carried out over a period of time. Not saying it wasn't unkind if it was said, just that a one-off incident isn't bullying.

JolieColombe · 14/11/2016 22:36

Those posters saying the child should have the 'resilience' to shrug off the teacher's (fucking rude) comment, should she also be shrugging off a day full of similar comments from her peers? Do you imagine that will stop overnight? Or did you ignore that bit of the OP because it doesn't fit your lovely theory about toughening up children (so they don't cry when they're bullied and you don't have to bother dealing with it) Hmm

HFWFHAJwithlove · 14/11/2016 22:37

Jay I totally take issue with your post
"i just wish all the mums who think teachers should be superhuman had to spend a year teaching. i love teaching and am a good teacher but dont always get everything right. at the moment too many good teachers are leaving teaching and those left need support rather than judgement. of course op is rght in wanting to support her child, but anti bullying training for the teacher..really????"

Training would support the teacher. Anyone who has basic manners would know not to say something derogatory to somebody else, child or adult, about their BO in a flippant way and in front of others Confused

Are we really at a point where we have to be grateful that there is a teacher at all in the classroom and let them get away with sporting tactless and hurtful comments to children? I think not. This teacher has no manners and lack of good judgement.

MagicChanges · 14/11/2016 22:37

The teacher did not say you stink and so the OP is exaggerating and her DD may well be too - so much depends on how these things are said. A teacher has 30 kids clamouring for attention, so to tell one to go and sit down and then add something about "oh what did you eat I can smell it"or something similar is no big deal. Some of you posters talking of bullying want to try being in front of a class of 30 every day when you've been up til at least midnight the night before, planning lessons/marking books and the 101 other jobs that need to be done, you might think differently.

IAmAmy · 14/11/2016 22:38

Suburban I take your point. Very unkind though definitely.

SuburbanRhonda · 14/11/2016 22:39

jolie

Saying a child should be taught resilience is not saying they should ignore the comment (if it was said).

HFWFHAJwithlove · 14/11/2016 22:40

"No, amy, bullying is persistent and carried out over a period of time. Not saying it wasn't unkind if it was said, just that a one-off incident isn't bullying." One nasty comment like this can be enough to make a child self conscious and, more importantly, loose trust in their teacher Sad.
This thread is going to be full of people saying that it wasn't so bad and the child ought to grow a thicker skin. Maybe these are people who have been hurt by others in a way that has made them insensitive to a young chil'd feelings. A pre-teen who probably trusts her teachers and school.

Sorry but I cannot simply imagine anyone saying such a crass comment to anybody, least of all a child they are teaching. One hell of a teacher.

Mouthfulofquiz · 14/11/2016 22:41

A very young PE teacher once said exactly the same to me at a hockey club when I was 11. I wanted to die at that moment, and I'll never forget his face, such a wanker. I wouldn't dream of making such a personal comment to someone. As an 11 year old I knew it was unkind, and yet he couldn't manage to keep his mouth shut. I'd have a quick chat to the teacher and find out what had happened. I wish I'd told my mum about it; instead I cried in my room and stopped playing hockey!

Mouthfulofquiz · 14/11/2016 22:42

(All because of a garlicky pasta sauce!(

SuburbanRhonda · 14/11/2016 22:43

HFW

Shame you quoted from my post but didn't actually understand what I posted, which was that a one-off incident does not constitute bullying.

HFWFHAJwithlove · 14/11/2016 22:45

there are people who speak in this way to each other, with their friends and with their children. To them this sort of comment is normal in a private context. However the teacher is in a professional capacity and is engaging with her pupil as part of a work contract. She was inappropriate.

HFWFHAJwithlove · 14/11/2016 22:49

"a one-off incident does not constitute bullying." That's true strictly speaking but what she said sounds incredibly tactless and is completely bad etiquette, ill mannered.

Somebody who speaks in such a harsh and derogatory way to a person in their care might very well be a bully.

SuburbanRhonda · 14/11/2016 22:49

So it will be good to find out from the OP what was actually said. And maybe avoid all the preemptive frothing.

Original poster
madsymads · 14/11/2016 22:50

Thanks for your answers.

Normally I am very supportive of teachers and the school generally but DD quoted word for word what the teacher said.

I've sent an email stating that DD arrived home quite distressed and I would like to speak with the teacher before lessons commence tomorrow.

I'm annoyed as apart from it being extremely rude it's also giving the green light to bullies.

Dd has coped with multiple bereavements and moving schools and language barriers. She has resilience. Hence she kept up a facade all day at school and broke down sobbing at three o clock.

OP posts:
SuburbanRhonda · 14/11/2016 22:52

Hope you get to the bottom of it tomorrow OP.

HFWFHAJwithlove · 14/11/2016 22:52

Ahh, we are frothing now, are we? Rejecting bad manners and unkind behaviour maybe frothing to you, it's a matter of principle to me Suburban.

FameNameGameLame · 14/11/2016 22:52

That's awful.

Saying something like: "honey, I think you had some...

Are you f*ing joking!? You think it would be appropriate for a teacher to call their pupil honey!?!

SuburbanRhonda · 14/11/2016 22:53

Preemptive frothing is getting yourself into a state before you're in full possession of all the facts.