To be furious the teacher told my ten year old she stinks?

[madsymads]

Family meal yesterday at an Indian restaurant. Might have been a bit heavy on garlic and spices.

DD was quiet when I picked her up today (she had been to after school club) and then suddenly started crying. I of course asked what was wrong and she said that this morning she had gone up to her teachers desk to ask something and the teacher (DD demonstrated) pulled a face and said 'ew, go and sit down, get away from me. What have you eaten? It smells awful.'

Obviously this led to quite a lot of unkind comments all day.

Completely inappropriate. Or AIBU?

Has anyone said it's ok? I think a lot of posters are saying check with the school before you go into full-on outraged mode.

People are not saying it was 'okay' for the teacher to say this. It's much more nuanced than this.
It was a rude thing to say (if those exact words were used.....and TBH we can't be sure those exact words were used, but lots of people take those words as definite it seems) but the question then becomes how you react to what essentially was a bit of rudeness or insensitivity. Does every rudeness or insensitivity encountered need a big reaction or actual action to be taken? This is the question.
Some people react and then act in response to every little rudeness and slight are very offended. Others are able to recognise a minor rudeness as.....well a minor rudeness and not feel the need to get 'furious' or to wade in about it, but just move on. They aren't saying that rudeness didn't occur, nor saying the behaviour was great...but they are also acknowledging that in the bigger scheme of things, it's not worth being het up about or taking action over. I'd like my children to be able to react to minor slights which they are bound to encounter like that and to move on.....not to dwell on them, feed them into a deep resentment and to feel 'furious' on a regular basis.

Yes but what teacher is going to admit saying that, even if they did?

Why wouldn't a teacher admit it?

Well.....suppose the teacher did use those exact words (which I doubt, although she will have said something in all likelihood) what exactly do you want? Is it important to you that she admits she said them? Is it important to you that she says she shouldn't have and that she apologies? Do you want it put on her record that she's been rude and someone has complained? Will you then feel vindicated? Will you then feel better about it? Will your child then be in a stronger position to move forward? Will it help her forget more quickly what happened or remember it for longer? Will it help her cope next time someone is a bit rude (because she will encounter rudeness again) or next time someone is a bit rude, will your demanding acknowledgement from the teacher make her feel she needs to follow it up and take action, which prolongs the incident further.
I'd just ask yourself what you are trying to achieve here. Is it about 'making the teacher pay' or helping your child move forwards?

How about not stuffing your kid full of garlic and strong smelling food on a Sunday evening?

If your work colleague did something like this you'd think them an inconsiderate sod.

A teacher should know the effect a comment like that would have in front of a class even if a "throwaway comment". Even at my age it'd probably draw some comments let alone a primary school. No excuse for humiliating a pupil like that. I'd imagine what would be achieved would be the teacher thinking a little more before making thoughtless comments to young pupils?

And if it was me, and I had said it, I would be happy to admit it and apologise if needed....because I wouldn't feel I had committed a massive crime that needed a huge response.

I have made insensitive comments to people before (like I imagine most people have) and sometimes I have realised and said sorry, and very occasionally someone has told me and I've been sorry I was insensitive and apologised. I then moved on....and hoped they did too. I would expect that the teacher would report what exactly was said and possibly be surprised that her exact words had caused so much upset, but be perfectly willing to acknowledge that he throw away comment wasn't thought out or intended to hurt, but that's she really sorry if it did. And that would be the end of it. What else would there be for her to say or think really?

Oggieoggie nurses are in a unique position where they can tell someone they smell, although maybe not in the same insulting way, not me anyway. But saying that to a little girl (if true) in front of her peers can be soul destroying. Quite word is in order

A teacher who had actually humiliated a 10 year old child by making a comment about their smell in hearing of the class woukd know very well that they would be in SERIOUS trouble.

That's why they might not admit it.

It's 2016.

The days of "teaching resilience" by bullying and embarrassing chikdren are thankfully in the past.

This is a horrible, horrible thing to have happened to a child at school and only the shittiest of teachers would imagine that tellibgba child theyvare smelly is ever even a tiny bit acceptable.

Why shouldn't a child eat a meal with spices and garlic? Plenty of children come from cultures where most of the food they eat will be spicy and/or garlicky.

That's awful.

Saying something like: "honey, I think you had some garlic. Do you want a chewing gum?" and maybe taking her out quickly (so others don't hear)? Fine.

But seriously, even if your daughter did get something wrong. 'Simply' saying something a long the line of 'you stink' is incredibly horrible and wouldn't be appropriate. Especially not I for this of the whole class!

But the teacher didn't set out to humiliate the child....and might well be surprised to find out her words had that effect. And TBH, I expect if the Head or anyone else found out about it, they would all agree that whilst the words spoken were insensitive and regrettable, the child feeling humiliated, was perhaps a stronger reaction than warranted.

Yes, children and teenagers can feel humiliated. Sometimes they have been humiliated.....but sometimes, because of their age their can feel humiliated when they haven't actually been humiliated. I have known children and teenagers FEEL humiliated in response to actions which absolutely were not rude or insensitive in any way...but the child perceived them as such...it can be a perception thing. Yes, a teacher should know that children and teenagers can be overly sensitive and speak carefully.....however, this doesn't mean that because a child feels a deep upset over something, the other person is ALWAYS in the wrong.
In this instance, the teacher sounds like she did speak insensitively. That was an error. However, if there is an over reaction of over sensitivity to a relatively small comment, the teacher cannot be described as carrying out humiliating behaviour.

If this really happened then the teacher was clearly bullying DD and being the reason for even more nasty remarks.

Apologising in front of the whole class (to show every kid how wrong this was, because teachers are role models) would be the least, imo.

Maybe the teacher didn't want to bully DD, but that was what she ultimately did.

I do hold a teacher to a higher standard than a kid. 'I didn't think she'd be upset' doesn't cut it in a case like this.

It the exact words were spoken as reported by the Op, I would say they were rude insensitive. I would not say it was terrible, or abusive or bullying as it has been referred to on here. These phrases suggest a lack of perspective to me.
Something can be insensitive and unwise, without being abusive and bullying. And the reaction needs to be in proportion to the event.

If the words were actually as reported in the OP (I'm presuming the child has exaggerated) then that teacher should not be in a classroom.

You just cannot say something like that to a 10 year old, necmver mind in earshot of their peers.

It is clearly and obviously going to embarrass and humiliate and if you don't know that, you have no business in any k8nd of public facing role. Never mind one with a duty of care to sensitive pre-teens.

If the incident was correctly reported, it is a disciplinary matter.

Not a liitle "oops".

You don't get to act like a cunt to a child and then play the innocent when they are upset.

That's what nuns were for.

The days of "teaching resilience" by bullying and embarrassing chikdren are thankfully in the past.

Teaching resilience has nothing to do with bullying and embarrassing children and it never has.

Oh well, I think I've been on the thread long enough. I've made the point about having perspective on what has happened and being able to judge if something is a big deal that needs action or a minor issue that can be quickly moved on from.
Some posters here clearly must spend their lives feeling annoyed and furious about the little rudenesses and insensitive comments people (wrongly) make all the time. However, I'm happy to judge many of these to be neither here nor there.....if they involve my child, to acknowledge and validate their feelings (even when they are a bit teenagerish and over blown) and to help them see the issue isn't a big deal and move on. I'm glad to say that my teenagers are at a point when they can often just shrug about the daily rudenesses they encounter. The OPs daughter clearly is feeling hurt and I hope the OP is able to validate her feelings.....but help her get over this quickly and move on, rather than choosing to react in a way which deepens the feelings of upset and prolongs the issue and feelings. I'm off.

At the very least surely the teacher needs to know that what she said caused DD upset (and teasing from her class mates) as a result? It's possible to reassure DD and not make it a big deal with her and also take it up with the teacher, it's not one approach or another

I think there are a lot more tactful ways of saying this....

I would expect a teacher to step in if something like this was said to DS by another child..,,

But again there are two sides to every story.

If the OPs child was from a culture where spicy/ strongly flavoured food is the norm, would it be acceptable to ask her what she'd been eating, or imply she smelt?!

In such a context the remark would seem uncomfortably close to racism...would resilience REALLY be suggested then?

I'd be very unwilling to write this off without some further enquiry. At best the teacher was stupid and thoughtless, at worst it smacks of bigotry and intolerance.

I can deal with a rude remark. But seriously, if somebody told me during a conference call or a meeting to please move away because I stink I'd have some issues. What a great way to be introduced to our new partners or a donor...

You don't say things like these in front of everybody? That's just rude. You offer mints or chewing gum. Or say it quietly during a break!!

That's common decency. And I do hold teachers to a higher standard. That wasn't a rude comment amongst colleagues, that was a rude comment from an authority figure!!

You don't have any perspective on what happened.

You are saying it is OK for teachers to insult and humiliate little children in front of their friends.

Well it is not.

I dread to think what kind of boors you are raising if you think this kind of bullying is no big deal and a child should be taught that her feekings are unimportant.

Teaching resilience has nothing to do with bullying and embarrassing children and it never has.

Well it was the traditional excuse for using humiliation as a form of control.

I'm not the person recommending teaching children to accept bullying behaviour from people with power over them.

velvet

Unless there's a massive drip-feed on the way, there is no racist element to this OP. So your comment is pointless.