To be furious the teacher told my ten year old she stinks?

[madsymads]

Family meal yesterday at an Indian restaurant. Might have been a bit heavy on garlic and spices.

DD was quiet when I picked her up today (she had been to after school club) and then suddenly started crying. I of course asked what was wrong and she said that this morning she had gone up to her teachers desk to ask something and the teacher (DD demonstrated) pulled a face and said 'ew, go and sit down, get away from me. What have you eaten? It smells awful.'

Obviously this led to quite a lot of unkind comments all day.

Completely inappropriate. Or AIBU?

Well report the thread then Mega instead of making a snotty comment.

This is one of those threads where I suspect the child hasn't entirely accurately reported what was said.
Probably some comment was made, which made the child feel sensitive.....but I doubt it was as extreme as reported here.

I think we are too quick to assume that children report everything entirely accurately.

It would seem to me that something was probably said, but in all likelihood a brief, light hearted comment about what they had for tea last night. Perhaps it was a bit insensitive......but to be honest, I would think that was all it was - said quickly and lightly, without intention to hurt or cause awkwardness, and probably not as extreme as 'quoted' here.

Would I be following this up? Absolutely not! Because , there will be bigger battles and adults and children too need to learn to distinguish between big deals which need a battle and those which don't need a battle and just to be moved on from.
And children need to learn to cope with this kind of thing and not be overly sensitive. There is a big difference between a passing remark what isn't intended to be hurtful and something said with the purpose of wounding. Even if the teacher was a bit insensitive, I don't imagine anyone on here thinks the teacher intended to wound. If I was the OP, I wouldn't behave in an outraged way about this. Instead I would just say something about that being a little insensitive, that it wouldn't have been intended to hurt her and that she should just forget it. I think this can teach the child real skills of resilience, because this issue really wasn't a big deal.

However, going into the school and complaining and demanding apologies etc teaches something else.....that it's good to complain about minor things and to make a fuss. It teaches that it's good to take offence easily and to react, rather than move on and be resilient.

And please hear that I am not saying parents should never complain to schools. Of course there are times when it is right to approach school, to find out what really happened and if necessary to complain (once all the facts are established, not before).....but it's really important to get a sense of perspective as parents and not to get incensed over the little slights at happen all the time and really aren't a big deal in life. How we respond to those little slights and issues affects how our kids will respond and if they let the little things get them down and become big issues...or are able to just forget it an.d move on.

Possibly not quite accurately reported. Regardless, not malicious and not worth doing anything about. Move on.

It's awful that DD was upset. Has their been unkind treatment from other students before? It's possible that what the teacher said was not entirely unacceptable, but in the repeating by other children it became so.

The only time I would have perhaps forgotten my manners as much as this would have been if I was pregnant.

No call for the teacher to make a personal remark like this at all. I'm sorry your dd was taunted by the other children today.

It's character building. Bet you she won't skip her morning shower tomorrow.
Really it's nothing, if this was Of a catalogue of situations then maybe, but it's a one off from a teacher who let their tongue go off a bit too quickly because their nose was 'triggered'.
I'd let it go on this occasion. Given your tone I don't think you will, but I think you should.

I'm so sorry for your child. Even if she hasn't gotten it completely right, her feelings are still hurt. I do think a quiet word is in order.

Would all of you suggesting action should be taken, teacher approached this, possibly HT involved REALLY go to the school about the thing mentioned by the OP?

Would it really not occur to you that the incident may have been exaggerated just a little bit? Several posters on this thread mention this happening with their DC - not that they lied or made an incident up, but just that it wasn't entirely accurately reported.

Yes, I agree that the teacher was rather insensitive on this occasion. I too suspect that the comment was made 1-1 rather than loudly to the whole class and was a passing remark. Yes the teacher is a professional and it was probably something that slipped out and could have been kept as a thought......but haven't we all, even at work in professional capacities sometimes said something a bit daft? Did other people then pick us up on it and pursue us about it and make it into a big deal....or did they just move on?

I think that the mothers instinct to protect her child sometimes just makes us lose a sense of perspective. We lose sight of the fact that children don't always entireLy accurately report things, and in our desire to protect our precious ones, we are too quick to want to leap in and get involved, over things that are not actually big deals....unless we make them into big deals. Take a deep breath, sleep on it. Don't express outrage to the child, which then fuels their own sense of upset over what happened. If you express outrage and make it into a big thing, what could have
Been a minor issue that she would have forgotten very quickly becomes more difficult for her to get over....and again, we need our children to be resilient to minor slights, rather than people who bite back.

No, sorry Surburban I'm not buying that.

What, you're not buying the fact that your child didn't say the teacher said she stinks? Yet you state what your child said in the OP and it wasn't "you stink".

So which bit aren't you buying?

Jayfee, I'm not saying this to be nasty, but if you were a teacher at my DD's school, I would be concerned, to say the least.

OP, I think the teacher was out of order and I would be saying something if it were my DD.

. Each day I wake up believing I am unshockable, but. No it seems not.
You cannot and you must not let this go. That is abuse.

Emotional literacy is what they call the education in schools surrounding the understanding of emotions and reading emotions - so in this context I do think it's the correct phrase.

The teacher was unprofessional. If it was said by one teacher to another in the staff room no one would be saying "teachers are under emended stress and oarental should be wholly supportive of them!" Or even suggest their colleagues should have supported the commenter as they are under stress.

I agree with the poster above who said its expected we control ourselves when adressing others - the relationship held between the 2 people is actually irrelevant. The action was downright rude.

Yes, her feelings were hurt........but things move on and children quickly forget.......if we let them and help them to do this.
Build your child up to be able to see these kind of things as a little short-term upset, that they get up from as a stronger person, rather than making them into someone who cannot cope with any minor set back without it becoming a big deal that needs intervention.
Our children will face numerous disappointments, slightly insensitive adults and rude children throughout their lives.....most of these things are not a big deal and quickly and easily forgotten, with the right attitude. However, some adults maintain a spirit of being offended by every little thing and by having a sense of indignation about everything. I think it must just be so exhausting to feel annoyed all the time by every little wrongly spoken word or gesture or facial expression. I'm really keen my kids won't be like that and know when something is a big deal that needs a reaction and when it really isn't. Don't sweat the small stuff. This is small stuff to me.

Each day I wake up believing I am unshockable, but. No it seems not.
You cannot and you must not let this go. That is abuse.

Just spit my tea! Now this situation is abuse!? Holy crackers, that term isn't half evolving.

Well done on devaluing the meaning of the word further - just what we need. 👏👏👏

chocolatewombat, agreed.

There are many initiatives currently floating around which are aimed at increasing children's resilience. But ime the children with the least resilience often have patents who are the same.

The child was upset and humiliated by an adult who is meant to look out for her well-being aka her ',teacher', and. To add insult to injury this ESS said in front of a class of children. Hence the word humiliated.
I'd say that was pretty damn abusive.

AWwlookat...'I think I am un shockable.....that is abuse'

I hope that's a joke! Because if it's not, then TBH you are extremely shockable, if this is one of the worst things you can imagine happening and describe it as abuse and think it needs following up as such.

As a recent poster says - it was rude. Yes, we should control our tongues and not voice our thoughts in many situations. The teacher was rude. However, it will have been one of those things that just popped out of her mouth in a thoughtless rather than malicious way (unless of course there is evidence of ongoing comments which put a different light on things, if there really is evidence of this...no mention of it from Op). It sounds like a one-off rather rude comment IF it is entirely accurately reported. And again, I remain amazed at how the OP has seemingly not checked how accurate the report was, and that so few posters have questioned if this was EXACTLY what was said, or if there was a much less rude comment made - which may well have still upset the DD. However, we must judge in context and recognise too that some children are a little over sensitive to passing comments and see extreme rudeness where none was or not intended. It's all just so much more of a grey area than many people seem to imagine and who leap in outraged on an unknown girls behalf, on something reported at least second hand....and call it abuse!

Don't sweat the small stuff. This is small stuff to me
Yes but with the greatest respect, Choccy. Its not you were talking about is it. Your an adult. You can't compare how would deal with something to how a 10 year would do.
To say its small stuff. Is validating peoples feelings. Which no one has the right to do.

Yes is agree Rhonda, that often the children with least resilience have parents with little resilience. They have seen their parents over react to minor things and find it hard to move on from them, (things in the parents lives, in the child's life or just about the world in general) and so they learn too to over react, to kick back which prolongs the effect of any minor thing and makes it into a bigger one. It's a bit of a cycle and can be a learned behaviour. Many children find resilience hard.....but it's a skill we have to help our children build rather than denying them that opportunity and making them feeble.

Again, I stress that there are times to step in and get involved and make a fuss....because serious things do happen that need it. It's being able to make the judgement and tell the difference between little annoyances and rudenesses and serious incidents that is important, as well as teaching our children the difference and how to get up and move on quickly from the little things.

But as adults we should be teaching children not to sweat the small stuff. The OP should be modelling a reasonable reaction to this comment, especially until she has checked the teacher definitely said the words her child reported.

I'm shocked that a teacher would make a comment like this. I don't think it's acceptable and I think it would of course embarrass a child and naturally upset them. As an adult i'd be embarrassed to have someone suggest that something I had eaten made me smell bad.

Could it have been meant in a jokey/funny way? Sometimes teachers think they are being funny/having a joke with the children when clearly they aren't.

Re resilience. I'm very resilient be I've raised very resilient dcs- to the point that now as adults they say I often didn't validate their feelings. But I would have been straight up to school over this.

Could it have been meant in a jokey/funny way?

There's no way of knowing because the OP has moved straight to outraged mode without speaking to the school first.

Doesn't sound like you taught them resilience then, pickle.

I honestly can't believe how many of you think it is ok the teacher said this (assuming she did say it).

AWwlook.....yes, I am an adult and yes I am teaching my children to be resilient. It's not about invalidating their feelings at all.
OP can say to the child that the teacher sounds like they were a bit rude and insensitive. She can say that she can see how upset she is (validating) BUT she can also point out that it was probably a thoughtless throw away comment rather than nastily meant. She could insigate a conversation about how we can learn from this that we should think carefully when we speak and not make these kind of comments, which can be a bit hurtful. And she can help the DD get over it and realise it will pass and was a bit rude and unfortunate rather than malicious and nasty. She can help her move on by not making it into a big deal herself and not returning constantly to the issue or dragging it out.
This both validates her feelings, but helps her move forwards from them.

However the alternative reaction is to behave in a shocked manner which automatically assume the teachers behaviour was outrageous and nastily meant....and to keep returning to the issue, which rather than validating feelings, just builds the feelings of upset in the girl and the mother herself. She can turn the event into a bigger deal and a more protracted event if she chooses to and one where the hurt is felt for longer.

As parents we have that choice when we react to our children's accounts of negative happenings. Again, we must judge what is a big deal and what isn't. We can both recognise and validate children's feelings of hurt or disappointment, whilst helping them move on. Those feelings are normal for children and teenagers and learning to cope with them when they are about relatively small issues builds stronger adults.