To not punish my daughter for answering honestly/telling the truth (Father Christmas related)

[iProcrastinate]

To cut a long story short! My DD(7.5) hasn't believed in Father Christmas for a couple of years, we never made a big deal about this and I just let her make her own mind up. We still do a Santa letter, and leave out a mince pie with the stocking, that's tradition; and you'll struggle to find a kid who loves Christmas as much as she does! I won't bore you with why we don't make a big deal over it!

DD is under strict instructions NOT to go around telling other children that he isn't real. I don't think that she would, But she has also been taught that to lie is wrong......

So DD and her class have recently moved into Yr3 at school, so they share a play ground with the older kids. DD and a friend of hers were asked, by an older child, do they think Father Christmas is real. DD answered no. That night I got a furious message from the mother of the friend, saying that DD could have 'ruined their Christmases', but fortunately she has managed to 'repair the damage', and could I reprimand DD. I apologised but said that I would speak to her about this but not punish her. She answered honestly.

AIBU not to punish her? At what age do kids start questioning the Father Christmas thing? Surely it must be a hot topic of conversation at this age? DD can't be the only 7yr old out there who doesn't believe.

The other mother expects your child to lie to go along with her wishes. This is unreasonable. I would ignore her completely and certainly wouldn't punish my child for this.

We still do all the santa stuff, carrot for Rudolph, beer and mince pie for FC etc.

The pyjama fairy also comes on Christmas Eve. In fact, on her Christmas list my 16yo has written "pyjama fairy" next to pyjamas

The other DM is ridiculously precious & more than a but barking mad to have expected you to punish your DD for this, I would have told the silly woman yo get a grip & not be so bloody ridiculous

My own DD was like this too, some kids are very astute & work it out for themselves very young. We just told DD that Santa is real to those who believe in him, so that was her answer when asked by other DCs or even adults. No lies needed & an ambiguous answer that covers all bases

Nah, your daughter is telling the truth. TBH my five year old seems close to saying it and I will have to do the same I.e tell him not to say something, but everyone finds out some time.

I can imagine being sad- I am always sad when a state is over (I cried when my children moved from baby seats to car seats! ) But I just can'5 imagine being annoyed at a 7 year old spilling the beans to another 7 year old.

'Thanks for letting me know. I'll have a conversation with him about it.'

Thanks, TheStoic. That's almost exactly what I was going to suggest the OP should say.

I think the other mum is being ridiculous - your DD answered a question. There must be plenty of other children that age who don't believe in Santa.

Each to their own and all that, but I can't believe how many parents actually seem to think that telling their children bare-faced lies is a good thing! Tell them stories, yes. Invite their participation in traditional pantomimes such as The Hanging Up of the Stocking. Read them The Night Before Christmas. Take them to a really good store Santa, as well as the school fete one who they can tell is really their friend's dad in a beard. Enjoy the whole thing, why not? Even enjoy that they haven't yet worked out it's you, and then be proud of how clever they are when they do. But by insisting they have to believe the whole bit as a literal truth you are obviously setting them up for a horrible awakening some day. If it was always a story then it can stay fun for ever.

(DSis still does stockings for adult friends and relatives if she stays at theirs, or they stay at hers, over Christmas. I'm sure she gets as much joy out of picking out suitable gifts as the recipients get from the surprise of opening them; which IMO is how it should be. I doubt any of these adults would be terribly surprised to learn it wasn't the old fellow with the reindeer who dropped them off.)

Is the other mother going to construct a Truman show type environment for her dd, to ensure the lie is maintained until she is deemed old enough to cope with the bitter truth (aged, what, 11 or 12?!) . Nutter.

Think lots of parents fondly imagine that their children believe. Think many of the children are humouring us!

I wouldn't punish her, but my son was one who was told by a little snot child in his class that there was no Santa when he was only FIVE! The other boy had taken great joy in telling everybody that Santa was a lie. It broke his little heart!

When I mentioned it to the other little creep's boy's mother, she said it was a ridiculous notion and that she thought all children should know the truth asap. I was rather angry at this - if she wants to disillusion (or not even "illusion" in the first place) her own spiteful brats offspring, that's fair enough, but they should have been told to keep if to themselves not that they really can at that age.

Your daughter worked it out for herself - they will all do that when they are ready.

My 6 year old was taken aside by a little git in my older dds (aged 10) class at an National Trust BBQ no less and told ALL the swear words. I saw them together and thought "aww that kids not so bad, look at him chatting to a younger child"

DH nearly choked to death on his porridge the next morning at breakfast when DD2 sweetly asked "daddy whats a cunt".

Really don't like the almost bragging tone of some posters who have suggested that their child is too clever to have fallen for all the FC nonsense, and if others aren't as bright, then, well, they almost deserve to be disillusioned.

My DS is seven, a very intelligent boy but pretty innocent when it comes to things like this. I don't think it would have occurred to him to question FC, though thanks to playground rumours I suspect this will be the last year he believes.

YANBU by the way - it's not your DD's fault. Just wanted to question the notion that "astute" kids who have "worked it out" are somehow superior

But surely if you 'do' FC, you just tell your children that some people believe, and some don't?

I mean, do your children not notice that, like, most of the world doesn't celebrate Christmas or get gifts?

I find this so odd as I grew up in an area with multiple faiths and had lots of Jewish classmates. Obviously no one thought that FC was really real because they noticed that about half the class didn't believe in him.

I wouldn't say anything to your DD. She was asked her opinion and just like if she was asked if she believed in God or was going to vote Conservative at the next election, she has a right to give her opinion. This is not remotely like telling someone you don't/ do like their haircut.

not that they really can at that age

Precisely. So why be down on the children?

Most children have a very strong sense of beliefs and values instilled by their parents. 'God IS real'; 'Mummy said red poppies are bad and we have white ones instead'; 'we're not allowed to watch ITV' or whatever.

Kids of that age are only learning to grasp the corollary 'but other people think differently and that's okay too'.

You really, really cannot expect a primary age child to fake belief in something just because your children might be upset. Surely it's your job to tell your DC that others have different beliefs so they don't get upset when they encounter that.

I'm shocked that some think 7 is old to still believe, really? Maybe it's an area thing, I'm friendly with 90% of dd's class and they all talk of fairies and magic and Santa....

On the original question though, the child gave the truthful answer when asked their opinion. Nothing bad about that and the other parent was ridiculous in the accusations.

Whatand get your gun said.
No magic lost in not believing in the literal sense. We served FC up as a lovely story/tradition/ idea that we all joined with, never expected kids to believe in an omniscient being who could fly mammels though the air and exceed the speed of sound! But, it seems to run along the lines of engaging their imagination and excitement anyway, they love it as much as any children.
I wonder if people don't get how much kids get from engaging emotionally with things? They don't need their sense of reason to be involved. I mean my whole family spent years wrapped up in the Harry Potter stories, which brought loads of pleasure, enjoyment and magic, with nobody thinking they needed to believe in it to love it.

Failed to bold anniegetyourgun..... And failed to answer op. YANBU, other mum very over invested.

I mean, do your children not notice that, like, most of the world doesn't celebrate Christmas or get gifts?

Everyone we know celebrates Christmas the same way we do. Unless you point out to your children that others celebrate/don't celebrate Christmas differently how would they know?? I certainly didn't want to ruin the illusion for my kids by telling them that other people in the world (that they'll be highly unlikely to come across as children) don't believe.

Let me get this right, the other mother wants you to reprimand your daughter for not believing in an imaginary being?? Tell her to jog on. I'm sure you have already had the chat with your dd that some believe and some don't and also that it's not good to lie.

Well I would have been very annoyed by your DD saying that to my child. Fair play if you don't want to go there but she has to understand then that she has no right to spoil it for another child. Come up with whatever form of words you like but it's your responsibility to make sure she doesn't blab. I always hated kids doing that!!! Nothing wrong with a little bit of magic. Mine all believed up to around 9/10ish and really you only get the good of it from the age of about 4.

So no, I don't think that the other mum IBU. She didn't want some little precocious shit ruining it for her child - and fwiw my teens even say now it's not the same since we haven't had Santa in the house.

Touch: The OP's child is a 'precocious little shit' for saying what she knows to be true?

At some point every child will be told that FC isn't real - it's basically an inevitability. Get over yourself.

" little precocious shit "

er no, she was asked a question and she answered it...

Honestly speaking as someone who knew full well from the age of 2 that 'Santa' didnt exist, I think you are being really precious and silly.

I mean the rest of the year, you are probably telling your children to stay away from strange old men and to lock the door against intruders....

with my kids, it was always a bit tongue in cheek. I didnt really want to convince them that some old weirdy beardy was going to break in did I?

sorry that was to Touch..
to OP, ignore this crazy lady, your daughter is fine.

I'm fiercely vocal about the importance of telling the truth but you also need to teach your DC tact and to respect people's feelings. Little white lies exist for social reasons. There's a fine line but DC do need to know the difference.

Even my DD who is borderline AS and incapable of lying knows to avoid awkward questions and managed not to give the game away with DS.

Tbh there's always one when it comes to bursting the Santa bubble. It's usually done on purpose though rather than "by mistake" because of not wanting to lie. It's not a bad idea to teach her that some people do believe in him and want to continue to.