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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not punish my daughter for answering honestly/telling the truth (Father Christmas related)

439 replies

iProcrastinate · 14/11/2016 08:05

To cut a long story short! My DD(7.5) hasn't believed in Father Christmas for a couple of years, we never made a big deal about this and I just let her make her own mind up. We still do a Santa letter, and leave out a mince pie with the stocking, that's tradition; and you'll struggle to find a kid who loves Christmas as much as she does! I won't bore you with why we don't make a big deal over it!

DD is under strict instructions NOT to go around telling other children that he isn't real. I don't think that she would, But she has also been taught that to lie is wrong......

So DD and her class have recently moved into Yr3 at school, so they share a play ground with the older kids. DD and a friend of hers were asked, by an older child, do they think Father Christmas is real. DD answered no. That night I got a furious message from the mother of the friend, saying that DD could have 'ruined their Christmases', but fortunately she has managed to 'repair the damage', and could I reprimand DD. I apologised but said that I would speak to her about this but not punish her. She answered honestly.

AIBU not to punish her? At what age do kids start questioning the Father Christmas thing? Surely it must be a hot topic of conversation at this age? DD can't be the only 7yr old out there who doesn't believe.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 14/11/2016 10:28

Of course they found out. Well I assume they have as they are 16 and 13! Grin But I was sad when it all ended.

I realise that is a crime on MN on a par with washing chicken and toilet brushes. But there you go

MarklahMarklah · 14/11/2016 10:29

Reminds me of something a friend told me of her (then) 7 year old. The school were in the run up to Christmas and the class were getting ready to cast their nativity play. There was a discussion in the class about the different parts/people/characters and the teacher asked, "Who knows what angels are?"
Friend's DC raised a hand and said, "Made up."

Apparently the teacher had words with my friend as this 'could have' upset other children in the class.

TheStoic · 14/11/2016 10:30

Of course they found out. Well I assume they have as they are 16 and 13! grin But I was sad when it all ended.

Well why be annoyed with the child who tells them? That's not nice.

MrsJayy · 14/11/2016 10:31

My dds still had santa long after they knew it doesnt have to be the end. The op dd still joins in with the santa thing

HeCantBeSerious · 14/11/2016 10:34

My children (8 and almost 6) have never believed in Santa (or tooth fairy/Easter bunny etc). They know other children believe in those things. They would answer as your child did.

I don't understand this desperate desire to have them believe forever in something that is a complete fabrication (or not even a possibility).

Maudlinmaud · 14/11/2016 10:35

YANBU
Pretty certain my youngest does not believe and is just going along with the idea, what troubles me is I think she is too scared to admit the truth in case she gets no presents.

BathshebaDarkstone · 14/11/2016 10:35

ginger my DSis finally worked it out at 13. DC stop believing at different ages.

baconandeggies · 14/11/2016 10:36

No need for you to apologise and no way should DD be punished. You have a strong girl there who knows her own mind Smile

BitOutOfPractice · 14/11/2016 10:41

The child wouldn't even know I was annoyed with them. Because as I have repeatedly stated, I wouldn't say a word about it.

It's ok to be annoyed with kids you know. I was annoyed with a child that repeatedly came to chat with me throughout a meal in a restaurant. I didn't shout or confront the parents. I chatted pleasantly back. But I was annoyed. That's allowed.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 14/11/2016 10:44

Your DD's response upset her (presumably) 7-yr-old friend. Stripping back all the 'santa is fab/santa is a lie' hyperbole then I would want to have a chat with my DD about how it all played out. Did she deliberately upset her friend or did she answer without thinking?
If the former then she was unkind and I wouldn't want to encourage that under a pretext of 'I was only being honest'. Honesty has to be balanced with consideration and kindness.
The only adults I know who use the 'I was only being honest' excuse do so when they know they have are being deliberately offensive and/or unkind.

Lucy7400 · 14/11/2016 10:45

Just ignore the other parent. I have had exactly the same situation. My son is year 4 and thanks to his older sister, he has not beleived in father christmas since year 1. I asked him to keep it quiet but of course he didnt. Cue a stroppy parent. I just told her there wasnt much I could do. I have had the same again this week as my son was part of a conversation about sex. He knows what sex is and its to have a baby. He doesnt know everything, just an age appropriate level. I have been led by my childrens questions which has included talking about how men can love men and women can love women. On friday a parent was in a not so subtle way about other kids telling her 9 year old about sex. I just said we all parent differently and moved the conversation on. I am not going to be told what I can and cant tell my children.

Twinchaos1 · 14/11/2016 10:46

I wasn't that keen on the whole Santa thing and we only have a stocking in our house. I think mine are starting to question it at 8 but there is still a mass belief in their classes at school. Having said that we had a pair of really naughty elves last year and kids are already wondering if they will come back. Kids do grow up pretty quickly so I have learned to enjoy it.

fleurdelacourt · 14/11/2016 10:53

just because your kids haven't told you they know the truth, doesn't mean they haven't worked it out! kids have a vested interest in believing in Father Christmas after all?

Kids will begin doubting at a very young age - I reckon 7 is about right - and in a couple of years they are fully wised up even if they choose to play along.

The idea that any 12 year old genuinely believes in it is ridiculous.

OP - YANBU - no need to tell anyone off.

BitOutOfPractice · 14/11/2016 10:57

Who has said that they think 12 year olds believe?

Blu · 14/11/2016 11:02

FGS, that mother needs to wind her neck in.

There are older kids at school. They were asked if they personally believed. Your dd gave her answer.

Kids have great imaginations, they immerse themselves in role play. They 'believe' in Father Christmas even when they know it isn't really possible. We don't need to cause all this angst to maintain traditions and let kids have a magical time.

Which is good, because it is unrealistic to keep younger kids away from older kids at school, cousins etc.

Making a 7 year old responsible for the success of someone else's Christmas is unhinged.

Arkhamasylumbertowardsthegrave · 14/11/2016 11:08

Your daughter didn't do anything wrong.

MollyCule · 14/11/2016 11:19

YANBU at all... I remember my mother getting a similar phone call from my friend's mum about me when we were about 11 Hmm. I think a lot of kids don't really believe past the age of 6 or so, and just keep up the pretence for fun and/ or for the sake of their parents, who I guess want to believe that their kids are young and naive for as long as possible.

cecinestpasunepipe · 14/11/2016 11:25

When dd2 was in Reception, she asked me why people pretended Father Christmas was real. I answered by saying that it was something nice that made a lot of people happy, rather like the Tooth Fairy. Aghast, she said, "But there really IS a Tooth Fairy!" Ooops!! Incidently, her older sister, in Year 1, was a definite believer.

NotLadyPrickshit · 14/11/2016 11:25

My 8yo announced over the weekend that he knows Santa isn't real - to say I was gutted is an understatement!

When I asked where he'd heard this absolutely ridiculous rubbish he said his friends at school. I went home, & I'm not going to lie, I sobbed a little and that was that I certainly didn't think to contact other parents & have a moan.

I'll still refer to Santa, I'll still hide the presents, I'll still wrap them in Santa paper, we'll still leave treats for Santa on Christmas Eve & the kids will still get up & shout "Santa's been" on Christmas morning - the only difference is he'll know that it was me Sad

Branleuse · 14/11/2016 11:28

its really fucking annoying that kids are expected to uphold the father christmas pretence even when they have worked it out for themselves, in the same way that people in some places are forced to pretend they believe in god when they dont.

You dont need to believe that FC is actually real, to have him as part of your xmas and to enjoy a magical time of year

Wombat87 · 14/11/2016 11:30

Notlady don't worry! I'm 30. Never officially been told he's not real, they asked my sibling and I when we were older in a discussion if we wanted to know and we both screamed NO. Even in our 20's we didn't want to hear the words.

And I still get my stocking from Santa knowing who it really was, and I still get excited and say Father Christmas has been Wink it's still magic

gotthemoononastick · 14/11/2016 11:49

We still have not been officially told that he is not real??and we are grandparents ?

Luckily the' enlightened 'older ones from 8 onwards in this family would not dream of informing the littlies of their doubts .. they care about things being exciting and lovely for all of us and relish being in on things.

The world is joyless I tell you,when you see 3 year- olds running around shouting 'its not real' at every instalment they see.Imagination killed off right there.

NotLadyPrickshit · 14/11/2016 11:50

Wombat that's lovely!

With a 6 year age gap between the middle & youngest child my girls were warned that if they told him they'd wake up to nothing on Christmas morning GrinGrin

Eldest figured it out on her own around 9ish, DD2 had to be told in a discussion about the tooth fairy at 11!

iseenodust · 14/11/2016 12:07

APlaceOnThe Couch not sure why you think the OP's DD upset the other child? Surely the root is the older child asking them the question in the first place? If OP's DD had said 'Yes' do you think the older child would have left it there? I suspect a swift 'No' closed down the episode.

ShatnersWig · 14/11/2016 12:13

Many years ago I went to a midnight service on Xmas Eve in my then local church. During which, female vicar did a sermon in which she mentioned that Father Xmas isn't real. I can't recall the context or rest of the sermon as I was so gobsmacked she did this as there were blatantly a lot of families in with young children (under 8). Always surprises me how many kids get taken to church that late at night but guess it's a tradition for a lot of people.

Have to say I never went to that church again.