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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not punish my daughter for answering honestly/telling the truth (Father Christmas related)

439 replies

iProcrastinate · 14/11/2016 08:05

To cut a long story short! My DD(7.5) hasn't believed in Father Christmas for a couple of years, we never made a big deal about this and I just let her make her own mind up. We still do a Santa letter, and leave out a mince pie with the stocking, that's tradition; and you'll struggle to find a kid who loves Christmas as much as she does! I won't bore you with why we don't make a big deal over it!

DD is under strict instructions NOT to go around telling other children that he isn't real. I don't think that she would, But she has also been taught that to lie is wrong......

So DD and her class have recently moved into Yr3 at school, so they share a play ground with the older kids. DD and a friend of hers were asked, by an older child, do they think Father Christmas is real. DD answered no. That night I got a furious message from the mother of the friend, saying that DD could have 'ruined their Christmases', but fortunately she has managed to 'repair the damage', and could I reprimand DD. I apologised but said that I would speak to her about this but not punish her. She answered honestly.

AIBU not to punish her? At what age do kids start questioning the Father Christmas thing? Surely it must be a hot topic of conversation at this age? DD can't be the only 7yr old out there who doesn't believe.

OP posts:
Ohdearducks · 14/11/2016 08:49

Sorry meant they'd been told by another child there's no santa

paxillin · 14/11/2016 08:51

I am always amazed people "repair the damage" when their kids figure out Santa isn't real. I imagine the kid will be furious next year when the new lie fails.

I'd expect her not to tell a 3 year old, but a fellow KS2 pupil? Should I remind the 16 year old not to tell his classmates?

Unicornsandrainbows3 · 14/11/2016 08:52

That mother is being silly. Your daughter was asked and answered honestly. What's wrong with kids knowing that people have different beliefs and customs? My LO believes but knows perfectly well that others don't, we talk about different religions and traditions but the magic of Christmas has no way been 'ruined' by that.

EweAreHere · 14/11/2016 08:55

So the mum presumably didn't know who the older kids were who started asking the 'do you believe?' questions, so decided to take her issues out on your DD? No thank you.

She needs to get a grip. It's a school full of children, including older children. Children talk. Children wind each other up. Children let things slip. Some children are just being mean. They're children.

Your DD hasn't done anything wrong, and you should have told the mum that.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 14/11/2016 08:55

At that age, I am sure most of them are beginning to wonder.
Forget how old I was, no more than about 8, but I do remember other kids telling me there was no Father Christmas, it was your mum and dad. And I argued fiercely and refused to believe it!

OTOH a malicious adult 'friend' who prided herself on 'honesty' told my dd at only 5 that there was no FC. I was bloody livid and told dd that the 'friend' had probably been so naughty when she was little that FC never came, so no wonder she didn't believe in him. 'Friend' had form for effing and blinding in front of kids, so this worked like a charm, thank goodness.

I think it'd be as well to warn your dd not to let on to other kids who still believe, though, even if they ask.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/11/2016 09:02

If yuor D was asked if she still believed FC was real and she said no, then I truly can't see the problem - the other mother could have just said "well SHE might not believe in FC, so she won't get any presents from him, will she - but WE still do so it's ok!"

Totally different scenario from your DD telling her friend that FC isn't real. Other mother being totally OTT and precious.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 14/11/2016 09:02

Should add, you could explain to your dd that while of course it's always best to be honest, there are certain fibs that are kinder than the strict truth, e.g. you wouldn't usually say to someone with a new hairstyle who asks what you think, that no, it looks awful, doesn't suit you at all, etc.
And the FC fib to little kids comes under that heading.

Clandestino · 14/11/2016 09:04

Ignore the lunatic. She's an idiot. YADNBU.

MetalMidget · 14/11/2016 09:05

I was 6 when I found out that Father Christmas wasn't real - my then ten year old brother told me. I don't remember being upset, so I probably already had doubts!

He also told me not to let mom and dad know that I knew, because it'd upset them. Kept the (admittedly lots of fun) pretence up for years. Although looking back, I'm a bit appalled we left whisky out for FC, as well as mince pies and carrots - drink driving Santa!!

Topseyt · 14/11/2016 09:05

My only reply to this woman would have been somewhere along the lines of "Don't be so utterly ridiculous. What a non-issue, which I will be taking no action over".

Then I would have done precisely that, and taken no action.

I really can't believe how steamed up some people get over this one. It isn't as if your DD said it to a toddler. She gave an honest answer to children rather older than her.

QueenOfTheNaps · 14/11/2016 09:09

Haven't RTFT but honestly what sort of mum would text you in a hissy got claiming yr DD had ruined Christmas?!?!
Surely if she still wanted her DC to believe the mum couldve just dismissed what yr DD had said.
The other mum was Bu for making a big deal of out it.

BertrandRussell · 14/11/2016 09:09

"Unless she followed it up with 'I know he isn't real, my mum has admitted it and he definitely isn't real'.

Why on earth shouldn't she say that if she wants to?

Clandestino · 14/11/2016 09:10

"Repair the damage" reminds me of myself being furious when DD started doubting Santa (she's always been practical). So upon being asked who's bringing the presents because Nana sends her presents too so what's going on with others, I truthfully answered we buy them. She was totally fine with that.
My childminder went totally bonkers though. She went on a full blown campaign of "Santa does exist" with DD because how can she not believe in Santa at the precious age of 4 and more.
We had to stop her. DD knows that many other children believe in Santa so she shouldn't be going around spreading the news because she'd make them sad. She also loves negotiating her presents with us directly. But I certainly wouldn't punish her if she told the truth when asked. We teach her that honesty is the most important thing.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 14/11/2016 09:12

It seems to have changed from my childhood where the normal age for realising FC wasn't real was about 7-8ish.

DS has started to question the tooth fairy which I've been vague about as he's only had 2 teeth fall out yet so seems a shame to be completely straight out about the lack of an actual fairy. I think he knows deep down though.

However, I'm not sure what I'll do when he asks me about Father Christmas. I think their first questions are more about wanting to be reassured rather than wanting the actual truth, but how do you tell when they've moved from hoping he is real and into wanting their parents to stop lying to them?! How do you keep the magic?

I'll be reading with interest to get ideas...

I was never allowed to believe, as I wasn't given the role of child in my warped family growing up, so it's all new to me with DS. I remember how sad and shut out of the fun and joy of Christmas when all the other children were allowed to be all excited about Christmas, and I would never wish that feeling on anyone.

But I also wouldn't want DS to feel betrayed by me later if I created such a strong fantasy that he's upset when finally realises at 11, or gets teased for being the only one still believing... It's all about the middle ground :)

MiscellaneousAssortment · 14/11/2016 09:14

Sorry forgot the main point... YANBU at all.

Your child didn't do anything wrong and you are doing the right thing by helping him steer through that awkward middle ground between truth and lies! I never get how any other parent thinks it's ok to start mandating how you parent your own child. It's a bit weird really!

originalmavis · 14/11/2016 09:19

If course if she'd said 'yes' then the other kids would have had a field day with 'the baby'.

It's a hard one because even I wouldn't know how to answer that one from a child.

PilkoPumpPants · 14/11/2016 09:22

Yanbu. The child asked your dd if she thought he was real. They asked what her belief was, not if he actually exsisted.

Datun · 14/11/2016 09:23

That's the whole problem with the belief thing about Father Christmas. It's magical when little kids believe, and then the parent goes through agonies wondering how the inevitable disillusionment will go. It's probably down to the child and how strong the belief is. Most children will question and when one does, it goes around.

I don't think it's useful in the long run to make too big a deal of Father Christmas. Parents who go out of their way to reinforce it are asking for trouble. (Like the parent of your daughter's friend).

If it helps, when I questioned it, my mum told me how Santa Clause is based on Saint Nicolas of Greece who gave money to the poor and needy (throwing a bag of gold through a window and it landing in a slipper or stocking). He was known as the protector of children and those in need.

It certainly softened the blow, in my case.

orangepudding · 14/11/2016 09:26

Of course YANBU, how does the other mother expect you to punish your child for telling the truth!

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 14/11/2016 09:27

I would ignore the mum to tbh. You dont want your DD thinking she cant express her opinions. They are her opinions and she expressed them, honestly as she should.

SaucyJack · 14/11/2016 09:27

YANBU. He isn't real.

If the other mum wants to pretend he is, then that's her prerogative- but she can't insist that the rest of the world maintains the lie for her sake.

orangepudding · 14/11/2016 09:28

I tell my children if they believe in Father Christmas he will bring them a present. Not sure if the 8 year old really believes but the 12 and 15 year old prentend to at home so they get an extra present!

LEA1986 · 14/11/2016 09:29

Absolutely don't punish your child, she's done nothing wrong what so ever. 7 is really old to still be believing in santa!
Your daughter answered a question honestly and the other kids parents just needs to explain it to their child like oh well some people do believe and some don't like some people believe in religion and some don't, each to their own kind of a way.

sassolino · 14/11/2016 09:31

Why would you even consider punishing her? That woman is not right in the head.

A7mint · 14/11/2016 09:36

DS2 stopped believing in Santa at 5 and am sure told lots of friends he didn't.I did have one mother wryly comment on it .If you tell your kids rubbish you really can't expect the rest of the world especially young kids to lie along too!
I can't believe there are many Y3s who still believe in FC,-many humour their parents.I think the OPs DD gave her friend the excuse she needed to let her mum knowfess up that she was too old for this nonse.