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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not punish my daughter for answering honestly/telling the truth (Father Christmas related)

439 replies

iProcrastinate · 14/11/2016 08:05

To cut a long story short! My DD(7.5) hasn't believed in Father Christmas for a couple of years, we never made a big deal about this and I just let her make her own mind up. We still do a Santa letter, and leave out a mince pie with the stocking, that's tradition; and you'll struggle to find a kid who loves Christmas as much as she does! I won't bore you with why we don't make a big deal over it!

DD is under strict instructions NOT to go around telling other children that he isn't real. I don't think that she would, But she has also been taught that to lie is wrong......

So DD and her class have recently moved into Yr3 at school, so they share a play ground with the older kids. DD and a friend of hers were asked, by an older child, do they think Father Christmas is real. DD answered no. That night I got a furious message from the mother of the friend, saying that DD could have 'ruined their Christmases', but fortunately she has managed to 'repair the damage', and could I reprimand DD. I apologised but said that I would speak to her about this but not punish her. She answered honestly.

AIBU not to punish her? At what age do kids start questioning the Father Christmas thing? Surely it must be a hot topic of conversation at this age? DD can't be the only 7yr old out there who doesn't believe.

OP posts:
Wheredidallthejaffacakesgo · 18/11/2016 10:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RedTitsMcGinty · 18/11/2016 10:47

At the risk of stating the bleeding obvious, if you don 't tell your kids a deliberate pack of lies in the first place then you won't have to deal with them being gutted when they discover the truth!

^This!
I'm not going to tell my kid there's no such thing as god in one breath and then tell her that Santa exists in the next. Standard line for both: "it's a story that some people believe and some people don't".

YANBU, OP.

RaspberryOverloadTheFirst · 18/11/2016 13:50

We have certain constructs in society that we adhere to - Christmas for a large number of people in Western society is one of those things. If you don't buy into, I have no problem with that, but don't fuck it up for me and my family just because you think your 6 year old is advanced.

My kids worked it all out for themselves, probably assisted by playground gossip. Once I realised they didn't believe, I simply asked they didn't go spouting off about it.

But honestly, do you really think your kids won't hear anything? It's not our job to try and stop your kids from finding out. Most kids talk, and other kids listen, it's probably the main reason kids find out that Santa isn't real. I asked mine to be considerate, and that's all I ever was willing to do.

ElleMcElle · 18/11/2016 17:57

Oh God - this ruined my school life when I was about 7 and was part of the reason I ended up changing schools!

I remember it so clearly - the whole class was sitting around on the floor for "story time" with a supply teacher who read us a Christmas story. At the end of the story, she specifically asked if anyone in the class did NOT believe in Santa - I put my hand up and said "Me - it's your parents". I had cottoned on that year or the year before, and as far as I was concerned, I was just answering a teacher's direct question. I don't remember my parents telling me not to tell anyone else - perhaps they did...

Anyway, this supply teacher's daughter happened to be in the same class as me, and she started to cry. The supply teacher told me to be quiet. She then went around the class asking what we all wanted for Christmas, but she missed me out and said that all I was getting was a sack of coal because I was a nasty girl.

Unfortunately, this supply teacher was best mates with my regular teacher and the two of them bullied me from that point onwards. My behaviour at school really shifted, as I could tell that I was deeply disliked by my teachers and I started playing up... Ended up being taken out of school and going elsewhere for a fresh start.

Bloody Santa!

Anyway - YANBU. People need to get a grip.

RichardBucket · 18/11/2016 18:30

ElleMcElle WTF? Why would the teacher ask that question if she didn't want to hear the answer?

I want to hug 7-year-old you!

ElleMcElle · 18/11/2016 19:16

Ha! Thanks RichardBucket - 7 year old me appreciates it!

ilongforlustre · 18/11/2016 20:01

Gosh... this thread has moved on. I had no idea people took all this stuff so seriously.

My eldest (12 with Asperger's which may or may not be a factor here) over the last couple of Christmases asked a lot of questions about Santa until I told him directly that it was his dad and I and that Santa was a story based on...... you know the rest. He seemed fine with it but still seems to believe, puts out the mince pie and the carrot, deliberates endlessly whether Santa would prefer a red wine or a sherry... oh well.

My youngest is 9 also with Autism. He has basically never believed. He was totally there with Santa but the flying reindeer? Well, that was a step too far.

Surely its all supposed to be magic and fun. I was told that belief in things like Santa and the tooth fairy etc. encourages belief in a benevolent universe, which is no bad thing.

CottonSock · 20/11/2016 14:39

Elle that's awful

gillybeanz · 20/11/2016 14:43

this happened to mine when they were at school, you just tell them to go back and tell the child if they don't believe they'll get no presents.
it works as the kids go home crying to their parents that they won't get any, so start telling the other kids they believe then.
If you don't want your dc to believe you can't blame others that do, and more believe than don't.

HeCantBeSerious · 20/11/2016 15:19

this happened to mine when they were at school, you just tell them to go back and tell the child if they don't believe they'll get no presents.
it works as the kids go home crying to their parents that they won't get any, so start telling the other kids they believe then.

So where most parents whose children have never or no longer believed in Santa tend to try and encourage their children to be kind and to be aware that others do believe, your response is to get your kids to bully and upset them into fake believing (in something/one we know isn't real)? Wow. Lovely Christmas spirit there. Hmm

HeCantBeSerious · 20/11/2016 15:20

If you don't want your dc to believe you can't blame others that do, and more believe than don't

Blame? My non-believing children aren't adversely affected by your believing children, so why do you feel so threatened by them?!

paxillin · 20/11/2016 15:28

This thread is amazing. I had no idea Santa causes so much grief. Seems to do more harm than good. Christmas is brilliant, the first snow, the smell of the spices and the twinkling lights are all brilliant.

"Magic" bought at the cost of lies that have to be kept up by bullying children who recognised the lies is ugly.

HeCantBeSerious · 20/11/2016 15:43

My mind boggles with it.

BertrandRussell · 20/11/2016 16:17

"it works as the kids go home crying to their parents that they won't get any, so start telling the other kids they believe then."

Fuck me, I've heard everything now!

gillybeanz · 20/11/2016 16:25

If a child is so mean to tell your children that FC doesn't exist, thus upsetting them, the child who believes is obviously going to tell their parents.
Parents response is usually well if they don't believe they won't get any presents from FC then.
Well, it's what parents said when I was in Primary, and what I told my own.
I really don't see get the Po faces, sorry.

aforestgrewandgrew · 20/11/2016 16:29

So many grownups take Santa far too seriously IMO, among both those who tell their DC Santa is real and those who don't.

It's a fun make-believe game. Kids play them all the time. I don't see the difference between the DC pretending to be an astronaut or a cat and Santa, only the adults join in the Santa game with enthusiasm.

But, it's just a game! It's meant to be fun. Stop taking it so bloody seriously, sheesh! Take a leaf out of the DC's book, suspend your disbelief and join in the fun - if you want to that is.

Even if your DC find out the truth, it doesn't mean they can't carry on playing, or they've lost their innocence somehow Hmm the game has just moved on, as it was bound to do one day.

BertrandRussell · 20/11/2016 16:31

Ah, "po-faced".

I am generally reassured that I am in the right if someone calls me "po faced" Grin

HeCantBeSerious · 20/11/2016 16:33

Gilly why not just say "well that's rather sad but they don't have to believe. You can if you want to"? Why encourage them to bully children - who were only telling the truth and may not have intended any malice - in order to protect a lie that you will have to admit at some point anyway? It makes no sense (and says rather more about your persona than anything else).

BertrandRussell · 20/11/2016 16:43

Because Gilly- and others- want all children to believe in Father Christmas until they leave home. Because it shows what a good parent you are if you "keep the magic going".

Instead of letting happen what always happened before this ridiculous commercial extravaganza- that children believe, then gradually and without fuss or drama stop believing as they work it out for themselves or older children tell them or a parent slips up. Not believing isn't the end of the fun and excitement and the sparkle and the glitter, I promise.

And anyone who thinks that keeping the pretence going is worth encouraging your children to bully other children needs - to use a well worn mumsnet phrase-to "have a good hard look at themselves"

ghostyslovesheets · 20/11/2016 17:11

wow @ this thread!

Look a child tells your child 'Father Christmas isn't real' Santa is American so drop it YOU say 'gosh well I know one child who wont be getting a visit this year now eggs or fish fingers with your chips dear?'

it's NO BIG DEAL

I love Christmas but I an not one of these OTT drama lama decs up on Dec 1st ALL presents come from Father Christmas posting endlessly about fucking Elf on the sodding Self and how their MIL ruined the day by putting their presents under the tree Christmas obsessive loons who believe it's ALL ABOUT gift giving, pictures of giant present piles and everyone thinking they are some kind of magic Christmas fairy while never actually going to church or discussing Jesus

balance people!

HeCantBeSerious · 20/11/2016 17:16

Actually, the decorations, lights, presents, and food have nothing to do with Jesus. They are pagan traditions. Wink

ghostyslovesheets · 20/11/2016 17:22

yes but CHRISTmas is very much Christian - clues in the name Wink

plus I doubt very much that Christmas obsessed loons are Pagan

HeCantBeSerious · 20/11/2016 17:51

Yes. The Christians stole Yule from the Pagans (involved lots of raping, torturing and murdering - lovely), called it Christmas in honour of their "saviour" who was most likely born in September. The whole thing makes about as much sense as a fat man flying a reindeer-powered sleigh and delivering presents via chimneys on 24th Dec to be fair.

originalmavis · 20/11/2016 19:08

What was pre-pagan then? I assume with her celebrations go waaay back to when we first crawled on dry earth and realised that winter was cold, dark, long and miserable, hence a bit of a nice party.

HeCantBeSerious · 20/11/2016 19:16

That's basically what the Pagans were doing. The celebration was for the winter solstice and yes, probably developed over centuries (?) before the Christians decided their belief was the only acceptable belief system and set about destroying anyone and anything that disagreed.