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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not punish my daughter for answering honestly/telling the truth (Father Christmas related)

439 replies

iProcrastinate · 14/11/2016 08:05

To cut a long story short! My DD(7.5) hasn't believed in Father Christmas for a couple of years, we never made a big deal about this and I just let her make her own mind up. We still do a Santa letter, and leave out a mince pie with the stocking, that's tradition; and you'll struggle to find a kid who loves Christmas as much as she does! I won't bore you with why we don't make a big deal over it!

DD is under strict instructions NOT to go around telling other children that he isn't real. I don't think that she would, But she has also been taught that to lie is wrong......

So DD and her class have recently moved into Yr3 at school, so they share a play ground with the older kids. DD and a friend of hers were asked, by an older child, do they think Father Christmas is real. DD answered no. That night I got a furious message from the mother of the friend, saying that DD could have 'ruined their Christmases', but fortunately she has managed to 'repair the damage', and could I reprimand DD. I apologised but said that I would speak to her about this but not punish her. She answered honestly.

AIBU not to punish her? At what age do kids start questioning the Father Christmas thing? Surely it must be a hot topic of conversation at this age? DD can't be the only 7yr old out there who doesn't believe.

OP posts:
A7mint · 14/11/2016 16:20

it's your responsibility to make sure she doesn't blab.
the hell it is!

BratFarrarsPony · 14/11/2016 16:21

" it's your responsibility to make sure she doesn't blab. "

no it is not!!

BertrandRussell · 14/11/2016 17:20

"but it's your responsibility to make sure she doesn't blab."

Bollocks it is!

nooka · 14/11/2016 17:21

The other mum seems to be blaming the wrong child anyway. It was the older child that instigated the conversation, perhaps innocently, but I suspect to stir things up.

When I was growing up Santa was a very minor thing, my family didn't do it at all (we were quite religious and when Christmas is all about Christ then there's not much room for Santa) and I don't remember anyone going all out for it or being asked by strangers all about Santa's presents. Now it seem much more of a thing and I wonder if that's good when it will come to an end sooner or later and then Christmas is apparently such an anticlimax afterward.

sj257 · 14/11/2016 18:25

YANBU, however I'm gobsmacked at people saying 7 is really old to still believe! I have an 8.5 year old and a 10 year old who still believe.....

BratFarrarsPony · 14/11/2016 18:26

they probably don't really sj , they are just humouring you.

ClassmateHB · 14/11/2016 18:48

I just said "ooooh father Christmas comes soon" to Ds1 and 2 aged 8 and 10.

They went "yeah" happily.

Still none the wiser if they know?

However, we've never been big on it here. They know I pay for all the presents and buy them all (single parent, had to explain lack of funds) but we used to say they had to be good for FC to deliver them (and when younger thought I had a magic portal!) Now they know I hide them in plain sight in my room in plastic bags at DPs house.

Not sure when or if we will have any conversation.

Incidentally I failed at tooth fairy from the first go, DS caught me. So they've never believed that.

ClassmateHB · 14/11/2016 18:50

I think it depends on the conversation OP as to whether I'd say something.

If she was asked and just said no, that's one thing.

If she then carried on saying something like "I know he's not real, never has been, my mum said, and anyone who believes is a baby" then that's not so ok?

But you can't blame kids for finding out in the playground.

Tis where I heard about blow jobs for the first time aged 10 after all :-/

HotChocolate2016 · 14/11/2016 18:53

I wouldn't punish her.

Someone asked for her opinion and she gave it... She didn't technically say Father Christmas isn't real.

If you punish her she may think that giving her opinion is wrong and then this could result in ear always agreeing with other people's views rather than expression herself

BertrandRussell · 14/11/2016 18:59

ClassmateHB- my 15 and 20 years olds would do the same.......Grin

AnIbisIsWatchingMe · 14/11/2016 19:30

My nine year old does still believe but of course they discuss 'is he / isn't he' at school. She came home the other day and said (in an incredulous voice), 'Sarah doesn't believe in Santa but she believes in God!'

Hulababy · 14/11/2016 19:35

Most 7-8 year olds don't believe

Many do still round here.

From what I can gather, more than half of my Y2 class believe. Heck, some of the children who don't even celebrate Christmas believe he exists, they accept that that he only visits children who celebrate Christmas.
Same every year.

IME its a little later on - maybe questioning it around Y4 age, but not definitely willing to admit to it for a year or two after that, just incase!

sashh · 14/11/2016 19:37

It could have been much worse.

I know a couple of adults who were told, "Santa is dead" and "santa isn't coming this year".

OP

Other mother is insane.

I would be tempted to text her every day until Xmas to check whether it is OK your dd believes dinosaurs are real and can she discuss this at school? Or whether the tooth fairy is called Mabel or something else. Is it OK if you tell your dd carrots will not make her eyes sight better and bread will not make her hair curl.

Oh and please can we as a MN hive mind right a Janet and Roy letter for her?

Greengoddess12 · 14/11/2016 19:43

Silly cow.

Tell her that you are amazed at her text and she real needs to get a fucking grip.

My dss belived but dds didn't.

I wouldn't tell my kids to burst any other kids bubbles but if asked their opinion then give it.

paxillin · 14/11/2016 20:04

I'm always amazed by the annual round of "should I tell my 11yo about Santa before secondary school" threads. You get people coming on saying don't spoil the "magic".

Showmeagain · 14/11/2016 20:20

When I was 7 my best (older) friend explained that God wasn't real and the royal family wasn't justifiable. The same year I found out santas wasn't real too (cheers drunk mum)

It just added to my concious understanding of the world. My 7 year old DD is the completely opposite. She has no concept of the royal family believes in jesus and is santas number one fan and would argue with anyone who had opposing views to hers on the existence of santa or the tooth fairy

Each child is different. And each will get to their own understanding of the world and its deceptions when they are ready. Your DD did nothing wrong and the other childs mother should stop thinking she is a snowflake

CottonSock · 14/11/2016 20:23

That's exactly how I found out he wasn't really, someone asked my friend and she answered honestly. She had an older sister. I probably would have believed a few more years otherwise, as no doubts. Wasn't her fault though

Cherrysoup · 14/11/2016 20:26

Other mum is batshit. How the hell do children ever find out if their parents insist on keeping the lie alive? Utterly ridiculous. Of course other children are going to tell them, especially if there are older sibs.

JakeBallardswife · 14/11/2016 20:39

DD aged 9 is fully aware there's no FC however it wasn't her elder brother who told her. She just figured it out for herself and realised that it really wasn't feasible given the size of our chimney and the size of FC.

But because the tooth fairy is small and can go through open windows, then she still exists!

BathshebaDarkstone · 14/11/2016 20:56

BitOut I said my DSis worked it out when she was 13. She wasn't humouring anyone, she said she thought FC was Mum and Dad to her friends. They thought it was hilarious.

OnwardsAndUpwardsYo · 14/11/2016 21:03

Who cares if 11 year olds believe...really? Why be so bloody uptight about it? We're adults for so many years, children for few.

I know for fact my 8yo still believes and isn't humouring me by some things she's come out with lately. And no, I'm not just wanting to think that before anyone tries to suggest it.

ghostspirit · 14/11/2016 21:03

I don't tell my kids anything either way if they should tell others if father Xmas is not true. There are going to be loads of non believers out there and they can't all be gagged. Kids find out in the end normally via other children.

Touchmybum · 14/11/2016 21:09

I totally agree with Bitoutofpractice though I realise the trendy liberal approach of the Santa deniers on MN is paramount! I loved believing in Santa as a child, and my children loved it too and thank God no-one took it upon themselves to inform them it wasn't true.

If you haven't experienced the 'holding their breath' excitement on Christmas morning, waiting to see if 'he's been', that's your loss.

Your child should have been taught discretion. I hate all this do-gooder, "my children don't tell lies" (it's Santa ffs, not keeping a murder secret!) and the oneupmanship of some who think their children are intellectually superior because they stop believing early - I call bullshit. Please don't let your know-all kids spoil another family's Christmas. They have rights too.

BertrandRussell · 14/11/2016 21:16

Blimey. So if an older child asks your 7 year old if they believe in Father Christmas, you would expect your child to weigh up the question- decide whether the older child is asking so that they can laugh at a "yes" (answer there being "no") or if they are genuinely asking, (answer there being "yes" so as not to upset a mumsnetter"? A7 year old?????????

ghostspirit · 14/11/2016 21:23

Say for example child comes home saying mum. Xxx said father Xmas is not true. Well ds what do you think do you believe? Yes...That's good. No/not sure tell theme the story of St Nicholas.

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