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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu about boyfriends appearance ?

190 replies

WhosDavid · 13/11/2016 11:13

I joined to post this because it's not something i feel I can bring up in real life without sounding like a bitch .
The background is I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years now , we're both in our late twenties . I've been married and divorced and have kids , he hasn't had a relationship since high school and still lives with his parents . He's pretty great , but doesn't really live in the real world when it comes to bills and how people in general behave . His biggest flaw is that he's quite immature but seeing as he's had no real reason to need to act like an adult I let him get on with it . He does have a full time job . He is amazing with my kids and they really adore him .
The problem is , and I really dislike myself for even thinking it , he looks like a tramp all the time . I'm talking tshirts ripped wide open,dirty clothes , he does a dirty physical job and will wear the same thing to work then again at the weekend . I've stopped asking him to join me and the kids at soft play because when he takes his shoes off he's wearing socks that all five toes are sticking out of . I'm not exaggerating. We've gone to spend nights in nice hotels and he's turned up wearing suit pants , trainers and ripped dirty tshirts. He has a suit that I've seen him wear for weddings and christenings (with his work boots)and he thinks he looks great and that I should credit him for making the effort but the white shirt has yellow stains around the collar and cuffs , he is totally oblivious. He will admit himself that he hasn't bought new clothes since being a teenager . Even his dressing gown is threadbare with holes in . I've tried to subtly buy him tshirts , jeans , even shoes and he says he loves them but they go to his mums never to be seen again . I really enjoy being with him and think he's amazing apart from this . But it's starting to get me down , I never want to go anywhere with him anymore . I should add , I've never been particularly shallow and don't care what his dress sense is , so long as things are clean ,unholy and match . Aibu in feeling like this ? And if I'm not , can someone please help me broach the subject without making him feel bad?

OP posts:
NoCapes · 13/11/2016 21:03

Tbh I think he should feel awful
He 'can't help' the way he dresses? Hmm of course he fucking can!
You'd be well rid tbh OP, he sounds like a toaster

sterlingcooper · 13/11/2016 21:06

Oh, I'm sorry OP. But what does he mean he can't help it? Did you get to make some of the points you made on this thread? That you don't want him to turn into a fashion plate, just not wear holey, dirty, completely inappropriate clothes?

sterlingcooper · 13/11/2016 21:07

I think you need to double down and be more direct, stop hedging around the issue and tell him directly he takes scruffiness to a new extreme and that you think he cant be aware of how inappropriately he dresses.

Elledouble · 13/11/2016 21:08

A toaster, NoCapes? Grin

Ah, the old "I can't help it" defence. My partner used to claim he wasn't good round the house and he COULDN'T HELP IT, he couldn't get out of the house in the mornings and he COULDN'T HELP IT, that he couldn't drive and he COULDN'T HELP IT... funnily enough he smartened up his act when I told him I didn't really want to be with someone like that and he does all those things just fine now.

Original poster
WhosDavid · 13/11/2016 21:20

I didn't really get to make any point tbh ! I only asked him if he was sure he didn't need any winter stuff and he got all upset before I had a chance to explain how I feel . I have no idea what he means by he can't help it , I have bought him stuff in the past and was offering to take him to buy stuff that he could choose !

OP posts:
TowerRavenSeven · 13/11/2016 21:22

Yanbu, I had one of those for two years. Very sweet intelligent guy but dressed with flare jeans from the 70's, (!) clothes too small, etc. I also tried to buy him new clothes but he never wore them either, said I wanted to change him and he was right.

It was very embarrassing when we went out. Finally I had to come to terms with it whether I could accept how he was or not, and I couldn't (wasn't the only reason) I broke up with him and haven't regretted it. So I'd say eithe accept him as he is or let him go.

Roussette · 13/11/2016 21:25

I'm sorry but it's ridiculous that he got upset with what you said to him. You hardly called him a manky holey stain ridden toaster! Grin

Seriously though... he has to get over this. A relationship is give and take. He should smarten up because you want him too and because it's all about respect for you.

Zaphodsotherhead · 13/11/2016 21:28

How 'can't he help it'? Does his mother dress him in the morning? Is he too poor to buy anything else? Doesn't sound like it...

But there does seem to be a lot of emphasis here on 'telling him'. Why not ask him? Why? Why does he dress the way he does? (You don't have to say 'why do you dress like a tramp?', be subtle). It sounds as though it might be a comfort/sensory issue (like five year olds have). There again, my OH buys all his clothes at the cheapest shop he can find, so what do I know?

Original poster
WhosDavid · 13/11/2016 21:28

Before that though , I tagged him in a fb meme about messy cars and he had the good grace to look sheepish and say he'd get it sorted . He said he was sorry for being a messy bugger and I said 'if you're sorry,you'll stop doing it then' and he agreed . So I'm hopeful that once I explain and he's calmed down he might get where I'm coming from

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 13/11/2016 21:35

You've half squeezed the spot do everyone a d'avoir and finish the job. Ring him and keep fucking talking tim you've got your whole point across.

Talk about how you feel. Dont say embarrassed. More like it's a lack of respect to me and others when you dress inappropriately for the venue. It's not attractive to wear shitty smelly work clothes/boots out. Work clothes for work then change before meeting me.

It's ok to care about this. It doesn't make you shallow.

Wallywobbles · 13/11/2016 21:35

D'avoir = favour

TheCakes · 13/11/2016 21:41

I disagree. Leave it for tonight. He's upset and defensive. Let him calm down and think about it. Things are rarely resolved properly in the heat of the moment.

NoCapes · 13/11/2016 21:41

A toaster Grin oh dear now I feel a bit of a toaster!

IKnowWhyACagedBirdSings · 13/11/2016 21:46

Sorry to ask,but does have Aspergers? I'm not saying everyone with the condition is like this regarding their attire and personal hygiene.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/11/2016 21:47

I think it means that he absolutely knows that he does not dress appropriately and that he has no intention of changing. When someone says they 'can't' change, 99.9% of the time it means they won't change.

You can't change your voice, you can't change your height, you can't change your ethnicity. You can change what clothes you put on your body.

I'm afraid I'd have to consider this a deal breaker. Not because he wears dirty, torn clothes but because if he's unreasonable about something as basic and obvious as this I wouldn't be able to trust him to be flexible about other, more important, things.

Cherrysoup · 13/11/2016 21:49

I actually think he's incredibly disrespectful to you and he's just confirmed it with his childish comment before storming off. Can't help it? Of course he bloody can! He can find what you bought and damned well put it on. He knows he looks awful and is embarrassing. It's fine to keep stuff til it falls apart, it's not fine to deliberately leave the house knowing you look like shot and without arsing yourself to put on non ripped clothes. How ridiculous.

PNGirl · 13/11/2016 21:49

I think after 2 years I would have snapped and told him that everyone thinks he dresses like shit, not just you!

It's really not difficult to throw away holey and stained clothes. I think it's definitely something you inherit though.
My husband comes from a shower-every-morning, shirts-as-casual-wear household. Admittedly he was more Matalan and M&S when I met him at 18 due to his mum's taste but he's just gone off for a work trip in a pair of DKNY jeans, a really nice navy jacket, Dune shoes and a Ted Baker polo, all chosen himself. I'm from a household whereby you dressed very well, but weren't supposed to shower every day because we were on a water meter and things in the wash basket were met with "You only wore that top once!" It took a real effort, after we moved in together, to allow myself a shower, bath or both every day without feeling wasteful.

It isn't the same thing but I guess what I'm getting at is he will not change while he lives in that household with those people and that attitude. It depends if you would take the risk that if you move in together down the line he'll be more receptive to you chucking out old stuff.

GazingAtStars · 13/11/2016 21:49

Of course he can help it! What a cop out

Original poster
WhosDavid · 13/11/2016 21:51

He definitely doesn't have Aspergers .

OP posts:
SuperFlyHigh · 13/11/2016 21:53

Agreed with PNgirl his attitude in general not just towards his clothes won't change as long as he lives with his parents and sees it all as "normal".

Would he move in with you do you think? Is that a possibility?

Suppermummy02 · 13/11/2016 22:00

Have you considered how you would feel if in, say ten years, he said he didn't fancy you because you had put on some weight? Or what if he said you didn't wear sexy enough skirts?

I thought feminists have spent decades saying its what on the inside that matters and now its all about appearance. Confused

Original poster
WhosDavid · 13/11/2016 22:06

I think he maybe would move in with me , he's hinted at it a few times and would spend most nights here if I let him ( I want it to be done slowly for my children ) .
Suppermummy02 please tell me when I have said I don't fancy him ? 🙄

OP posts:
Roussette · 13/11/2016 22:07

supper, he wears clothes that are ripped in half, stained, dirty, work boots to nice places, or to spend time with OP's rellies. It's hardly 'all about appearance', it's about not looking like someone who spent a week sleeping in a hedge.

Whos he CAN change, he can do it. My DH did. Your DP has got to want to do it thought. It took some doing here I will say but I refused to live with an out and out slob. Not always, but just sometimes he takes a pride in his appearance now. If left to his own devices or if I go away which I do, he reverts a bit but hey, not a problem. But with help he will smarten up for me. And your DP should too.

Nanny0gg · 13/11/2016 22:21

'I know you think I dress like shit but I can't help it '

So he knows it bothers you and hasn't done anything about it.

And of course he can help it. Unless he has no money at all he can help it.

Sounds like a petulant child to me.

FaithAscending · 13/11/2016 22:24

When he's calmed down, I'd dig a bit deeper as to why he 'can't help it'. Are these the only clothes he feels comfortable in? It's not for lack of better clothes since you've bought them for him. I'm imagining it's a sensory issue....I have ASD and can only tolerate certain kind of clothes (underwear shopping is a nightmare) but I try to at least look presentable and I'm clean! Actually I'd find it more uncomfortable to be dressed in ways you've described like with bits missing!