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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu about boyfriends appearance ?

190 replies

WhosDavid · 13/11/2016 11:13

I joined to post this because it's not something i feel I can bring up in real life without sounding like a bitch .
The background is I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years now , we're both in our late twenties . I've been married and divorced and have kids , he hasn't had a relationship since high school and still lives with his parents . He's pretty great , but doesn't really live in the real world when it comes to bills and how people in general behave . His biggest flaw is that he's quite immature but seeing as he's had no real reason to need to act like an adult I let him get on with it . He does have a full time job . He is amazing with my kids and they really adore him .
The problem is , and I really dislike myself for even thinking it , he looks like a tramp all the time . I'm talking tshirts ripped wide open,dirty clothes , he does a dirty physical job and will wear the same thing to work then again at the weekend . I've stopped asking him to join me and the kids at soft play because when he takes his shoes off he's wearing socks that all five toes are sticking out of . I'm not exaggerating. We've gone to spend nights in nice hotels and he's turned up wearing suit pants , trainers and ripped dirty tshirts. He has a suit that I've seen him wear for weddings and christenings (with his work boots)and he thinks he looks great and that I should credit him for making the effort but the white shirt has yellow stains around the collar and cuffs , he is totally oblivious. He will admit himself that he hasn't bought new clothes since being a teenager . Even his dressing gown is threadbare with holes in . I've tried to subtly buy him tshirts , jeans , even shoes and he says he loves them but they go to his mums never to be seen again . I really enjoy being with him and think he's amazing apart from this . But it's starting to get me down , I never want to go anywhere with him anymore . I should add , I've never been particularly shallow and don't care what his dress sense is , so long as things are clean ,unholy and match . Aibu in feeling like this ? And if I'm not , can someone please help me broach the subject without making him feel bad?

OP posts:
VanellopeVonSchweetz99 · 13/11/2016 12:46

I think he sounds hot!
Vain men is such a turn off imo. (Apart from the toenails, that's a BIG no-no. Have words.)

The clothes thing I would approach with a sense of humour/tongue in cheek. Talk about how sexy he is, but what would really make you go wild is some nicer clothes around that hot bod of his now and again.

HyacinthFuckit · 13/11/2016 12:47

That must be a very strong smell of metal if it's covering up several hours of now dried sweat. Do you not find it overpowering and unpleasant?

woowoowoo · 13/11/2016 12:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
WhosDavid · 13/11/2016 12:48

The metal smell doesn't bother me :)

OP posts:
Original poster
WhosDavid · 13/11/2016 12:49

I have no idea why his car is filthy . He will clean it every few months or so . That doesn't bother me as I don't go in it often and my kids never do .

OP posts:
HappinessLivesHere · 13/11/2016 12:50

I think you have every right to feel embarrassed. Maybe you just need to have a sit down with him and explain how much you live him and that you do find him attractive but the way he dresses gives off a very poor impression and that maybe if he made more of an effort he'd realise it's actual quite nice to feel well dressed. Are you in a position to buy him a few bits and bobs? Even primark has some great bits.

Original poster
WhosDavid · 13/11/2016 12:51

HappinessLivesHere , I have bought him quite a bit . He says he likes them but then never wears them .

OP posts:
HappinessLivesHere · 13/11/2016 12:51

Just saw you've tried to buy clothes!

Roussette · 13/11/2016 12:53

Why should you beat about the bush? This is a dealbreaker surely....

I have sympathy but...
my DH can be/was like this. I just put him right TBH because I can't bear to make an effort with my appearance and he doesn't. Even now occasionally when we want to pop into town, he'll say... "I'm ready"! And I'll say "no, you're not, you've been doing the gardening in those clothes and they are dirty". End of. I'm not going out with someone who looks like they've been dragged through a hedge backwards. He's much much better than he used to be, with the occasional blip which I tell him about!

Can't you just tell him every single time he looks a mess? I just don't get why. He's your DP after all, and you should be able to be honest with each other.

HappinessLivesHere · 13/11/2016 12:54

Oops cross post! I wonder if a bit of it comes from still living at home? We have a big friendship group and all of us are in serious relationships/kids/mortgages etc. Except one lad who just has no concept of reality cos he's never really had to grow up or look after himself. Doesn't really dress well, flits between jobs, can't cook etc. He seems happy but we're in our 30s and he's still like Peter Pan!

QueenLizIII · 13/11/2016 12:55

Sometimes you have to say what you have to say.

I had a bf in my early 20s like this. He used to show up in old clothes, unshaven, which wasnt an issue but he looked tatty and then I noticed hygiene issues.

I finally said to him, I am not getting in bed with you and sleeping with you, when do you last shower or wash those clothes? I then told him his hygiene was bad and he needed to clean himself up. He was very upset but he did it.

I am sorry your BF is disgusting. Wearing dirty clothes, it is just inexcuseable. I would just say something. I would go out with him like that.

Roussette · 13/11/2016 12:55

I've also told my DH that AFAIC... him looking a mess is rude to me, his DW, and although he might not care how he looks, he should care enough to want to look presentable for me.

Why can't you say.. "where's that t shirt/shirt I bought you, why aren't you wearing it?"
Or... "why is that shirt in your boot of the car, you said you liked it?"

HermioneJeanGranger · 13/11/2016 12:55

Eurgh, how unattractive!

QueenLizIII · 13/11/2016 12:57

The living at home thing is a red herring. I know people who have done it into thirties because of financial neccessity, men and women.

Of the people I know who did it, hell would freeze over before they wore filthy clothes. They do their own washing and cleaning at home.

It is nothing to do with living at home.

QueenLizIII · 13/11/2016 12:58

After 2 years, she should be able to say to him and not pull any punches...it is a real issue for me, clean yourself up.

Roussette · 13/11/2016 12:58

I think he sounds hot!

Bloody hell, I know we all like different but can't understand this! What's 'hot' about someone with ripped clothes and foodstains down them?!

ChampsMum · 13/11/2016 13:01

I wouldn't be able to cope with it at all...

It would simply be "Take care in your appearance, be clean and wear clean clothes, or I am leaving you"

Elphame · 13/11/2016 13:06

I'd be giving him an ultimatum especially after 2 years. He either starts wearing the clothes you buy him (or acceptable alternatives) or that would be the end of the relationship.

It obviously doesn't matter to him how he looks (which is fine) but it does to you and if he doesn't take this into consideration then he isn't valuing YOU much is he?

Bountybarsyuk · 13/11/2016 13:07

I just can't believe he doesn't smell bad, if he's working in a physical job, then gets home, has a shower, then puts the same clothes or others that haven't been washed properly back on again. It's more than the metallic smell, and perhaps you are immune to it, but I bet others aren't, if they brush up close to him at a bar or on public transport.

I'm with everyone who says just be blunt- shape up or ship out. I wouldn't want to go out with someone truly dirty or very embarrassing.

That's not to say sometimes my husband doesn't go out in something that I don't really like, or is a bit too tight, or isn't very flattering. This still happens! But dirty, torn, smelly unwashed clothes. Nope, just not prepared to go out for a nice dinner with someone looking like that.

EBearhug · 13/11/2016 13:08

I come from a family with a tradition of using things till they fall apart - but when they first start falling apart, they get sewn together or patched or darned, and when things are beyond that, they go into the rag pile for whatever rags are needed for (cleaning and so on.) Also there was a definite differentiation between work/ school clothes and other clothes. Work clothes were either smarter than other clothes (office-based) or scruffier (farming). But they always started clean and we all knew how to use the washing line. So it's not just about using things till they fall apart, because things can still be clean and sewn up.

All that said, I think I'd go for the approach of pointing out how it reflects on me - I'm far from immaculately turned out, but clean and vaguely tidy is a minimum, and it's not difficult to do that. It's not like you're asking for designer labels and so on. I think it would be a deal breaker for me, if I'd raised the issue and it made no difference. It's not really demanding to expect clean clothes for an evening out.

Original poster
WhosDavid · 13/11/2016 13:11

Yes , that's what my sister says . He clearly has no respect for me to turn up looking like that . But I think it just doesn't occur to him that anyone would care how he dresses . That's just how he is . He's said to me before that I'd save loads of money asking people for hand me downs and stuff for the kids and whilst I see nothing wrong with that at all and did when they were babies , my six year old likes to wear nice things the same as her friends . I like all my kids to look presentable with matching outfits and the two eldest like that too . He'd never tell me how to spend my own money or anything , he just doesn't think it's necessary . Not just for clothing but stuff for the house too , ornaments , furniture and stuff . I don't understand it really because as I say he has a decent job and no bills to pay except for his car . Reading this thread has made me realise we are maybe not as compatible as I thought .

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 13/11/2016 13:12

I couldn't put up with that, Id have to be blatantly honest about the trampy thing. I do wonder if he is depressed tho

GhettoFabulous · 13/11/2016 13:13

I really don't understand how you could have been going out with someone for so long without saying anything. There wouldn't have been a second date if it was me, never mind a relationship.

Suppermummy02 · 13/11/2016 13:18

There is no point beating about the bush just tell him your true feelings, sounds like you both have to decide your priorities.

You are being vain but equally he is being scruffy.

Personally I think whats on the inside is more important and I certainly wouldn't want to date someone who wanted to change me or to decide what I had to wear.

Bluntness100 · 13/11/2016 13:18

I have to be honest and say I'm also shallow enough that I couldn't find a man who continually wore old dirty and ripped clothes physically attractive. It would have prevented any relationship developing. So you're a much better person than I am to have been with him so long.

I also can't understand the poster who thinks it's " hot". 😱

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