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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu about boyfriends appearance ?

190 replies

WhosDavid · 13/11/2016 11:13

I joined to post this because it's not something i feel I can bring up in real life without sounding like a bitch .
The background is I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years now , we're both in our late twenties . I've been married and divorced and have kids , he hasn't had a relationship since high school and still lives with his parents . He's pretty great , but doesn't really live in the real world when it comes to bills and how people in general behave . His biggest flaw is that he's quite immature but seeing as he's had no real reason to need to act like an adult I let him get on with it . He does have a full time job . He is amazing with my kids and they really adore him .
The problem is , and I really dislike myself for even thinking it , he looks like a tramp all the time . I'm talking tshirts ripped wide open,dirty clothes , he does a dirty physical job and will wear the same thing to work then again at the weekend . I've stopped asking him to join me and the kids at soft play because when he takes his shoes off he's wearing socks that all five toes are sticking out of . I'm not exaggerating. We've gone to spend nights in nice hotels and he's turned up wearing suit pants , trainers and ripped dirty tshirts. He has a suit that I've seen him wear for weddings and christenings (with his work boots)and he thinks he looks great and that I should credit him for making the effort but the white shirt has yellow stains around the collar and cuffs , he is totally oblivious. He will admit himself that he hasn't bought new clothes since being a teenager . Even his dressing gown is threadbare with holes in . I've tried to subtly buy him tshirts , jeans , even shoes and he says he loves them but they go to his mums never to be seen again . I really enjoy being with him and think he's amazing apart from this . But it's starting to get me down , I never want to go anywhere with him anymore . I should add , I've never been particularly shallow and don't care what his dress sense is , so long as things are clean ,unholy and match . Aibu in feeling like this ? And if I'm not , can someone please help me broach the subject without making him feel bad?

OP posts:
Original poster
WhosDavid · 13/11/2016 12:06

HappinessLiveshere , I am embarrassed of being seen with him if I am really honest . But I'm embarrassed of myself for thinking that way

OP posts:
NoCapes · 13/11/2016 12:07

Ok well then we're very different because I just couldn't find someone who wears old dirty smelly ripped clothes sexy at all
I know you say he showers but does he do things like cut his toenails and clean out his ears? Brush his teeth? I can't imagine that he does, or that he's very 'thorough' and if he came at me trying to kiss me that's all I'd be thinking of

SuperFlyHigh · 13/11/2016 12:10

I've just seen from your OP that he doesn't wash clothes and hasn't replaced any he's had since a teenager!

Do you have to teach him how to wash clothes? That's not hard, where does he live? You need to have a firm word about replacing clothes when they are too old or damaged and wearing cleaning clothes and washing them.

GazingAtStars · 13/11/2016 12:11

It's got nothing to do with him living at home, I live with my parents and manage to dress nicely and wash my clothes regularly. He's just lazy and has no respect for you, himself or other people who have to smell him

LovingLola · 13/11/2016 12:11

Does he wash daily? And brush his teeth? And wash his hands after using the toilet?

Rachel0Greep · 13/11/2016 12:12

I don't know, OP. I may be shallow but I would struggle to find someone like that attractive. It's a very strange way to behave, taking the time - as most people thankfully do - to take care of personal hygiene, but then putting on dirty, torn clothes.

I also notice some other things in your OP that make me wonder if this relationship is sustainable - no clue about bills , doesn't live in the real world, or know how people behave?

GettingitwrongHauntingatnight · 13/11/2016 12:13

This really would be a desl breaker for me. Talk to him, go shopping together, burn bin okd stuff.

PickAChew · 13/11/2016 12:13

This is him, now when you're just a couple of years in.

Can you see him being any better five yrars down the line.

And how far does the slobbish behaviour go? Does he pull his weight at his mum's? Does he keep his own room clean and tidy? He comes across as a complete manchild, tbh.

Original poster
WhosDavid · 13/11/2016 12:14

NoCapes he does have good hygiene apart from the toenails , which is why I have such a problem with the holey socks .
I should add , he always tells me I look lovely and compliments me . I always try to make an effort by doing my hair / makeup and wearing nice things , but even if I'm slobbing around in leggings and a tunic type top with my hair in a bun he would say that.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhosDavid · 13/11/2016 12:18

PickAChew , he will tidy up after himself at mine and will always offer to do the dishes / make the bed etc , but at his parents the whole house is a mess . I don't mean dirty , just very very cluttered on every surface and everything is very old . The carpets haven't been replaced since they built the house 20 odd years ago . His bedroom is still decorated the way it was when he was a child , with a childish mural , single bed , same curtains . I don't mind any of this really because as I said he pulls his weight when he's at mine

OP posts:
BreakfastAtStephanies · 13/11/2016 12:18

I know this is not helpful but perhaps you could rip the ripped T shirt a bit more until whoops it accidentally and suddenly became unwearable because it is in two or more pieces. Laundry accident, if you will.

He probably feels comfortable in the old clothes.

DefinitelyOdd · 13/11/2016 12:21

My partner is very similar to yours in that he doesnt see the holes, doesn't care about being covered in paint/mud/oil/whatever he has been working with that day and he couldn't give two shits about what other people think.

However I care and because of this he makes an effort for me. Admittedly I am the one who buys the 'good' clothes and I do have to remind him not to use them for work. He will never be a fashion icon but he does try now which is all I ask.

Original poster
WhosDavid · 13/11/2016 12:22

DefinitelyOdd , how did you have that initial conversation without it being awkward?

OP posts:
Elledouble · 13/11/2016 12:24

My ex had some clothes that I couldn't abide (including a pair of boxers that said age 14 on the label!). I cut them up with scissors and put them in the bin.

I'm not sure this would work in this situation though - as it's a relatively new relationship - I think I'd just try to have a chat about how I found it disrespectful that he thought it was ok to be seen with me in public wearing dirty, damage done clothes. If it continued after that I think it would be a deal breaker for me.

woowoowoo · 13/11/2016 12:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1471950254 · 13/11/2016 12:27

YANBU this would be a deal breaker for me. It's important to be comfy but wearing clothes that are dirty means is a no no. Sounds like he doesn't think physical appearance is important

Original poster
WhosDavid · 13/11/2016 12:29

He changes his underwear everyday . But if we were to stay out somewhere he wouldn't take a change with him and would wait till we got home .
He doesn't think physical appearance is important at all.

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Littleballerina · 13/11/2016 12:31

My ex was like this and still is now. He turns up to parents meeting looking like a tramp.
We were married for over 10 years and he didn't change. It's vile.

DefinitelyOdd · 13/11/2016 12:32

I just told him that while he might not care (his response everytime I brought it up previously) that I cared and therefore if it continued I would see it as a big lack of respect.

I had already bought him several bits of clothes for xmas and birthdays so I knew he had good bits. He was a bit grumpy and sulked a bit but now he adheres to the basic rules of:

  1. no rips or holes
  2. no stains
  3. no clothes so old they have gone see through.

As long as his outfit fits that profile I am happy.

blankmind · 13/11/2016 12:32

Talk to him about going somewhere where there's a dress code. Explain that if he wants to go, he'll have to dress suitably. See how he reacts.

SporkLife · 13/11/2016 12:33

Have a convo with him about it, if he doesn't want to change then leave if it's a deal breaker, but don't cut up/bin his clothes or take him shopping and force him what to get. The change has to come from him.

HyacinthFuckit · 13/11/2016 12:36

You say he has good hygiene, but also that he has a very physical job and puts the same dirty clothes on again after showering. So he must absolutely reek of stale sweat, then? Meaning this isn't simply about appearance. It's about other senses too. Smell, specifically. I'm guessing his physical job might be farm related, given what you say about his location. Does he get up close and personal with animals? How do his clothes smell after that?

TheProblemOfSusan · 13/11/2016 12:36

If you buy new stuff, is it disappearing home to be saved for best? There's a very particular world view I've come across in my own family about this. They weren't wearing dirty or worn out stuff because then they might have looked poor and that would have been a disaster, but anything new bought for them was squirreled away, and only rarely was that stash dipped into.

This was several elderly female relatives who lived through the war together, mind you - when my Grandmother passed we found scores of items from the 60s onwards that had been deemed too good to wear still with the tags on. Awful, because I'm sure this was the stuff they loved best that was too good for them to risk damaging.

Anyway, my point is - is his mum squirrelling it? This is definitely a learned behaviour and I wouldn't be surprised if she had a lovely collection of wonderful unworn clothes saved for mythical never going to happen best.

LittleMissMarker · 13/11/2016 12:41

He does sound very extreme. However immature you think he he is, in reality he is an adult and it's not his parents' job to fix him any more and it's not your job to fix him either. This is take it or leave it time.

If you bring it out in the open then the worst that can happen is that you split up. If you keep quiet abut it then it's going to keep on festering for years and that's a lot worse. And to be honest if he doesn't feel a bit bad about it then he isn't going to change. It would have been better if you'd said something sooner because if he guesses you have been silently embarrassed and disgusted by him for two years is going be very hard on him. So from now on the sooner and clearer you say something the less hurtful. No half-hearted hints. "When you wear A to B I feel Y and I want you to Z" is a good format. Substitute "dirty workclothes" or "torn T shirts" for A; a place you are going to for B; embarrassed or out of place or disgusted for Y; and "buy formal clothes" or "change before we meet" or "wear clean clothes" for Z. Get it in the open and see if that's enough to make him see the light. If not, then end it before you make a commitment you'll regret.

Original poster
WhosDavid · 13/11/2016 12:44

He doesn't work with animals or in a farm , thankfully ! He works with metal and so usually there's a very strong metallic smell so his dirty clothes can't be smelt . I have bought him quite a bit , but he never wears them and I don't even actually know if they make it back to his house because once I was rummaging in the back seat of his car looking for something and found a tshirt I'd bought him a few weeks previous . His car is filthy too but that's a whole other story .

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