Aibu about boyfriends appearance ?

[WhosDavid]

I joined to post this because it's not something i feel I can bring up in real life without sounding like a bitch .
The background is I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years now , we're both in our late twenties . I've been married and divorced and have kids , he hasn't had a relationship since high school and still lives with his parents . He's pretty great , but doesn't really live in the real world when it comes to bills and how people in general behave . His biggest flaw is that he's quite immature but seeing as he's had no real reason to need to act like an adult I let him get on with it . He does have a full time job . He is amazing with my kids and they really adore him .
The problem is , and I really dislike myself for even thinking it , he looks like a tramp all the time . I'm talking tshirts ripped wide open,dirty clothes , he does a dirty physical job and will wear the same thing to work then again at the weekend . I've stopped asking him to join me and the kids at soft play because when he takes his shoes off he's wearing socks that all five toes are sticking out of . I'm not exaggerating. We've gone to spend nights in nice hotels and he's turned up wearing suit pants , trainers and ripped dirty tshirts. He has a suit that I've seen him wear for weddings and christenings (with his work boots)and he thinks he looks great and that I should credit him for making the effort but the white shirt has yellow stains around the collar and cuffs , he is totally oblivious. He will admit himself that he hasn't bought new clothes since being a teenager . Even his dressing gown is threadbare with holes in . I've tried to subtly buy him tshirts , jeans , even shoes and he says he loves them but they go to his mums never to be seen again . I really enjoy being with him and think he's amazing apart from this . But it's starting to get me down , I never want to go anywhere with him anymore . I should add , I've never been particularly shallow and don't care what his dress sense is , so long as things are clean ,unholy and match . Aibu in feeling like this ? And if I'm not , can someone please help me broach the subject without making him feel bad?

He does sound really nice from the other things you say about him, and on one level it's great that he has no vanity and doesn't think appearances matter.

You say that he compliments you though, on how nice you look. So he is obviously aware of appearance on some level. Would he go out with someone physically unattractive or who wore really bad clothes all the time? Is he really so genuinely unaware of appearance that it wouldn't matter how his partner looked on any level? Or does he appreciate pretty women / like it when women who dress in a flattering / sexy way at least some of the time? This could be an interesting angle to start a conversation with him about this from.

My DH is appalling with clothes - he has the money to buy them, but is a bit OCD about the feel of clothes, labels, "feeling right" in them. So as a result, he'll buy something, wear it to death and then expect to go back to the same shop 15 years later and buy the same!! It drives me mad, and I do regularly cull old polo shirts/shirts that are manky (much to his utter disgust). His latest addition is golf trousers - pale grey, nylon and very very clingy. He's tall, with very long thin (chicken) legs and these bloody trousers do absolutely nothing for him......and he wears them everywhere as they're comfy . I have long accepted his "quirky" nature with clothes and it's just part of who he is and he will at least ask now if something looks ok (and then has a strop when I say NO!!) You can't change something so fundamental though, you can either live with it or you can't...........

WhosDavid he honestly sounds like my DH used to be.... he didn't care about his appearance that much (although strangely enough, he now loves looking smart if we're going somewhere special) and he really is not into material possessions, it's just not important to him and never has been.

However, we have been married 30 years and I just pulled him up on his appearance and looking presentable from day one, because even if he didn't care, I did. It doesn't mean your DP and you aren't compatible but you really really should be able to tell him to shape up as far as what he wears.

I don't think ha being disrespectful to you

He obviously does this all the time so sees it as normal.

Have you asked him why he doesn't wear the clothes you have bought him, maybe a bit of guilt here would work?

And then when he wears tell him how nice he looks? If the subtly hints don't work I'd be tempted to tell him the truth. Don't phrase it as an ultimatum though. Just say you don't find it attractive and you're embarrassed as the places you go have a dress code and he isn't following it.

I think he probably would date someone who dressed the way he does . I found one of those headbands that every little girl had in the nineties with their name painted on for my sister for a jokey present and showed him expecting him to laugh but he said it was a lovely thoughtful gift . I just don't think he gets it.

galaxy that is like my DH but I honestly have changed him. He thinks about what he's wearing now. Obviously at home, doing the gardening, washing the car etc, he wears any old thing, but if he is going somewhere with me, he makes an effort.

This is really difficult and something I can empathise with. My dh of 24 years really doesn't care what he wears, although he showers regularly and I make sure everything's clean.. My most embarrassing memory when we first got together was him turning up to my nieces Christening in an old faded tight t shirt that he'd slept in! Once we were married, I subtly squirreled really old things away and acted daft if he occasionally missed anything. When his df died, he brought allsorts of old, threadbare clothes including darned woolen socks. I realised there were some underlying issues at play, so I squirrelled sensitively. That was until he came home with old pyjamas and rotting slippers!
He just doesn't think what you wear is important, but as dcs have got older, they are sometimes very embarrassed by how he looks, although they love him dearly. Only this morning I have had to tell him his jumper was very creased and on back to front. He was taking our dd to an audition and topped his outfit off with hiking boots.
I wouldn't know what to advise you to do really. If the relationship gets more serious you may have more influence, but he is who is he.
What I liked about your post is he's great with your kids. That must help enormously.

He's only being disrespectful if you've told him how you feel, and he does nothing about it. I told my DH and although I've had to labour the point many a time, he does take note and he does try.

Also , I don't expect him to be fashionable or follow trends . But clean , non holey stuff and stuff that match I.e not dress pants with a holey tshirt and his work boots to stay at a posh hotel in

Do you think he is aware that he dresses not just casually but MASSIVELY scruffily? Would he notice/acknowledge when you're in a restaurant that no one else is dressed like him? Is it a case of knowing exactly how scruffy he is but not caring, or do you think he doesn't realise he is a very extreme version of scruffy compared to everyone else?

Yes , Normage he is fantastic with them . Really amazing . They love him to bits . He's said that he would like us to have kids of our own one day too , obviously not anytime soon . But I know he'd expect me to dress them in any old thing and honestly , as much as I try not to let it bother me , I think sometimes that appearance IS important .

God yes Whos. It's not a lot to ask is it? I actually think my DH has a mental block as far as clothes (e.g. I've got one pair of trousers, why would I need more!) but I've just worked hard at buying him clothes, trying to show him what matches what (he's a bit colour blind) and basically just trying to re-educate him. My best friend who's known him forever says she dreads to think what he would look like without me around...

Whos so what's stopping you, when you are at the hotel and he dresses for dinners, saying 'umm, no you aren't ready love, you've got a holey t-shirt on!' If he says so what, say 'no-one else downstairs will be wearing a holey t-shirt and I don't like going out with people with holey t-shirts' and then suggest another one.

If he's genuinely affronted by this as opposed to just disinterested or a bit clueless, then there's deeper issues at play here.

I've noticed a lot of men in the 30's wear the same t-shirts they've had since teenage or early twenties, I think it makes them feel young!

I must say, you wanting all your kids in matching outfits suggests you're also occupying a fairly extreme end of the spectrum. It does sound like you've very little in common in that respect.

He's being honest about himself (not caring about appearance), so why can't you be honest yourself that you do care and would prefer to go out in socially acceptable clean clothes as a couple or as a family?

Hmmm, I must say I quite like the sounds of him! It seems like the cause is where he lives and how he's been raised. I think you need to decide exactly what ur limits are, and then sit down with him and be really honest, say what you've said on here. Ask him if he's willing to make a change for you. I'm not too bothered by appearance and as personal hygiene is ok it might not bother me too much, but I can see how it's a problem if you go out to nice places.

Bountybarsyuk , what stops me is that he doesn't bring anything else to change into , so it's either deal with it or hurt his feelings by refusing to go .

Hyacinthfuckit , when I say my kids are in matching outfits , I don't mean I dress them the same , just that whatever they wear will look like a complete outfit and they'll have appropriate shoes/coats :)

A mum friend of mine ended her relationship with her dds father - other issues but this was the main one. She had a point - lovely guy but literally looked like a dirty tramp. He didn't wash much either.

He sounds quite eccentric and sweet. He also sounds like he doesn't want to change and you aren't really in a position to change what he wears etc until you are living together and can literally replace his clothes.

I guess you either put up with the scruffy bugger or don't.

OP I thought when you said matching outfits you probably meant sets instead of eg jeans with a top not designed to go with it. Not all stood in a line dressed the same like the Von Trapps! Although actually, you all dressing in identical outfits made out of old curtains might be one way to solve this.

So, he doesn't take a change of clothes or pants when he goes away for the weekend?

Sorry, but I think that's beyond what I could tolerate.

My husband is unfashionable, wears too tight clothes and things that are 15 years old, but he does understand clothes need washing, and if we go away, he has to take a change of clothes.

That's not endearing, it's man-child territory.

You've got to tell him, kindly though. Perhaps something like 'sweetie I love you loads but really would appreciate if you could wear more presentable clothes, jeans, tee shirts etc but no holes ... they're looking shabby and you're not reflecting the real you and it makes me sad when people stare

My husband is d finitely one for scruffy tee shirts and loves them literally to pieces lol... I xhuck them or tell him to change ... nicely but tell him he's looking scruffy - DD is 8 and is really funny, always in a dress (her choice - i used to buy her jeans and trousers, skirts etc and she's ignored them and for at least 4 years has only worn dresses (leggings if absolutely necessary for horse riding or sports) ... she's happy to tell him he's a scruff pot sometimes lol he gets changed and mostly looks tidy

Hyacinth 😬😬😁😁 the curtain idea would likely be an improvement

When you said his parents are scientists everything made sense :) Scientists, different from other jobs, are "allowed" to have this sort of appearance.

I think the main problem here is how you can approach that after so long.

Maybe buying a few decent clothes for him and keeping them in your place, and then every time he turns up with torn or burnt (!) clothes you throw them away (with his permission) and give him a new one to wear? After a while you will have replaced the worst offenders or he will stop wearing them (if he doesn't want you to throw them away).

This won't just be about clothes though. You've already described his family life. Material things just aren't important. If things function, they are fine. Appearance does not affect function. Hence wearing old clothes, accepting hand me downs.

Imagine a future life together where you feel you need a new sofa for example, and start browsing the dfs website. He either thinks there's nothing wrong with the sofa or trawls gumtree looking for a second hand one.

Even if you were to mention the clothes to him, in a 'I'd really like it if you came to dinner wearing a clean, non-damaged shirt', you might manage to change his behaviour for that instance, but you won't be able to change who he is and his overall belief system which is different to yours.