Aibu about boyfriends appearance ?

[WhosDavid]

I joined to post this because it's not something i feel I can bring up in real life without sounding like a bitch .
The background is I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years now , we're both in our late twenties . I've been married and divorced and have kids , he hasn't had a relationship since high school and still lives with his parents . He's pretty great , but doesn't really live in the real world when it comes to bills and how people in general behave . His biggest flaw is that he's quite immature but seeing as he's had no real reason to need to act like an adult I let him get on with it . He does have a full time job . He is amazing with my kids and they really adore him .
The problem is , and I really dislike myself for even thinking it , he looks like a tramp all the time . I'm talking tshirts ripped wide open,dirty clothes , he does a dirty physical job and will wear the same thing to work then again at the weekend . I've stopped asking him to join me and the kids at soft play because when he takes his shoes off he's wearing socks that all five toes are sticking out of . I'm not exaggerating. We've gone to spend nights in nice hotels and he's turned up wearing suit pants , trainers and ripped dirty tshirts. He has a suit that I've seen him wear for weddings and christenings (with his work boots)and he thinks he looks great and that I should credit him for making the effort but the white shirt has yellow stains around the collar and cuffs , he is totally oblivious. He will admit himself that he hasn't bought new clothes since being a teenager . Even his dressing gown is threadbare with holes in . I've tried to subtly buy him tshirts , jeans , even shoes and he says he loves them but they go to his mums never to be seen again . I really enjoy being with him and think he's amazing apart from this . But it's starting to get me down , I never want to go anywhere with him anymore . I should add , I've never been particularly shallow and don't care what his dress sense is , so long as things are clean ,unholy and match . Aibu in feeling like this ? And if I'm not , can someone please help me broach the subject without making him feel bad?

Oh God...

Cut and run. Best case scenario here is that you manage, daily, to nag him into wearing clothes like an adult. And then you'll be his nagging mum for the rest of your relationship. Don't choose a man you'd need to 'fix' in order to be happy with. It either won't work, or it will but he'll resent you for it.

My problem was minuscule compared to yours. Mine was that DH (then boyfriend) did not own a 'proper' shirt or trousers, only T-shirts and jeans. And the T-shirts he owned were all sport or 'logo' T-shirts, not a plain T in sight. They were clean and whole, though. I simply started refusing to go out with him to places where they weren't appropriate. I told him he needed a pair of trousers and a polo-type shirt and insisted he change into them before we went out. He eventually got the message and began to dress better and more appropriately to the occasion of his own accord. He'll never be a 'fashion plate' or comfortable in a dress suit, but he does know how to put together an outfit and luckily we don't live a very 'fancy' lifestyle. Except for colour. He'll never get colour-matching quite right. That part I find endearing.

I really hope you find a way through this, as this seems like the only issue you have. If you've never actually broached the subject, you don't know how much change/compromise he is willing to make. I think there are loads of good suggestions on this thread, but you need to start the ball rolling. Given his background and the fact you haven't really opened up about how you feel, he could be just totally unaware. Tell him and see what happens. I really hope it works out for you.

My autistic eldest son(nearly an adult) is just like this..only he dosnt wash either....could there be a problem that's been overlooked?

Thanks for everyone's advice , it's given me a lot to think about .
Halloweensnake I don't think there's any underlying problems , I think it just doesn't occur to him that it'd be a problem . His parents and sisters are the same

I don't think YABU but I don't think he is either.

It sounds like he values other things more highly than material possessions and that, for him, clothes and shoes etc come under the banner of material possessions. Re. furniture / hand-me-downs, there are people out there for whom new is not better than old, regardless of the prices involved or their ability to afford the items.

He is clean and clothed, albeit not in a way that you consider acceptable. I imagine he has no idea that you feel the way you do, given that you've never broached the subject, so I don't think it's fair to accuse him of disrespectful behaviour. So, you should tell him - and I don't think there's a way to do this without risking an awkward situation - but clarify in your head what you would do if he was unwilling / unable to change. Would it be a deal breaker situation, would you take the 'training' approach and content yourself with sneaking out the worst offenders in the wash for the rest of your life or would you be able to recognise that he's not doing anything fundamentally terrible and accept this as just part of who he is?

Your dp and his family sound nice, eccentric and down to earth people, the parents being scientists makes it sound like their minds are on 'higher things' as it were. Take pp advice, talk to him and point out that it hurts you when he doesn't wear the items you kindly bought him, that you would just like him to make an effort to make the best of himself, it isn't shallow to care about being clean and presentable. He does sound lovely and the fact that he cares about your dc and they love him is brilliant. Don't lose heart, he can change with help from you. Maybe get him to help you do some cleaning or gardening at your place, suggest a shower and get rid of the dirty clothes, then give him new stuff from the skin out, get rid of any of his clothes that he leaves at your place, and get him to wear the things you bought him. Good luck OP I wouldnt give up on him without trying all of pp suggestions.

First of all u need to cut out the comments e.g. 'look at the state of your socks' as that is just snide and no wonder he just shrugs. I've come across this and it is a fear of being poor thing.I recommend telling to him like an adult about what you expect e.g. not half ripped shirt, but do end it over this. When used move in together you'll have more of a chance to lead by example

Do not end it, I meant! Was my suggestion

Is he generally very stingy?

I'm curious as to how the relationship even developed. If someone turned up on a first date in stinking, ripped open clothing there'd not have been a second. Self respect is attractive too! After all this time you'll really struggle to change him, because he's gotten away with thinking it doesn't matter. He isn't just not putting in any effort for you, has no desire to even a little bit try and impress you, but by slobbing around with holey clothes in nice places it's coming close to trying to embarrass you.

Still lives with parents and has had no relationships since school? And wears raggedy, dirty clothes? What's the attraction? He's going to be a nightmare to move in with as he can't even take basic care of himself.

You deserve better. Maybe your ex has made you feel you don't deserve a good man and have somehow ended up pitying this rag-wearing mom's-basement-dweller, who has no experience of either the world nor of proper relationships, but it's time to let the pet project go and find an equal partner who knows how to dress himself.

Does he work in a foundry? If he does the metal smell is unbelievably over powering and once you have worked in a foundry for so long you do become accustomed to the smell and cant smell it. I dated a guy once who worked in a foundry and was abit grubby, it didnt last long.

The relationship developed because when I first saw him and realised that he was my date it was too late to run off lol I'd not have left him standing there . And I'm pleased I didn't because honestly he is so funny and charming and we get on really well . I wanted to see him again and was kind of hoping the shirt was a one off . Obviously it wasn't and I can hand on heart say I've not once seen him in an outfit that either a) matches b) is clean or c) isn't holey . It's becoming more and more of an issue now (I feel like crap admitting this) because we're spending more time together with the dcs , with my family and friends and people have started commenting . For example , he'd met my grandparents quite a few times but it was always after work and they weren't bothered about what he was wearing . But when he's turning up to a family meal in a nice restaurant wearing work boots , holey tracksuit pants and a dirty white dress shirt , I can kind of understand why my grandad pulled me aside afterwards asking what his deal was

And yes , he works in a foundry and the metallic smell really does overpower the smell of his clothing

My dp was somewhat like this when we met. Bleach stains on t shirts, holes in stuff. It was definitely a family trait and as time has passed and he's been out of the family house longer it's gone away to the point he can't believe he thought it was acceptable.
His father would not only wear worn out holey clothes he had for years but would bring home worn out, holey clothes from the lost property box. Their furniture is old but not in a charming antique way but in a "a chair is a chair, why does it matter if the cover is torn and the stuffing has come out and it's not comfortable for guests to sit on". Carpets are 45 years old and worn out, kitchen is collapsing around them. There is an element of hoarding and an element of "our minds are on higher things that comfort and appearance". Which is all fine if it only affects them but when it affects others then it's rude (and holey, dirty mismatched clothes in a hotel or at a restaurant is a bit of a "fuck you" to others) and it's not shallow to say that if somebody can't be arsed to put on a clean top that isn't worn out then they don't have a huge amount of respect for you.

Thecraftyfox you have just described his family to a tee

I don't think this is a problem you can address effectively without hurting him tbh but I also think that's just tough shit.
He sounds a proper scruff, not a trait that's attractive in anyway. You need to tell him, bluntly, that his appearance is a big problem & it's one that needs sorting. His remedying of this will let you know if he cares about you & the relationship...

I'd tell him how you feel. No doubt the MN holier than thou lot say you have to accept him as he is etc - but that's not what real life is like.

When I met my OH he wore god awful t-shirts that were much too short AND too tight - he has a long back and short legs so finding flattering tops is hard (he's also a big chap), coupled with terrible big 80's glasses.

Within 4 weeks I'd taken him out to buy clothes and get new glasses and it's made such a difference - I think partly his self confidence was so low he felt awkward buying clothes etc.

It still after years doesn't occur to him to replace anything worn/ripped/shrunk, and he NEVER looks in a mirror to see how an outfit looks! But he appreciates me looking out for him and making sure he has nice clothes and dresses appropriately.

I'd hope that if I had zero awareness he would do the same for me.

Just put them in the bin. Every time. Work clothes are for working in and they don't need to be ripped either. We live v rurally and we all have work clothes and normal clothes. None of us would go shopping or put in our work clothes or riding stuff. Say something. It's not going to go away.

If he likes you he will make an effort. He has nice stuff he's choosing not to wear it. Say how you feel and how this makes you feel. But do it soon.

Exh best friend was an awful dresser. His boyfriend finished with him for that reason. No one thought he was being shallow. We all agreed with him.

I'd be very embarrassed by that, especially if my grandad took me aside for a quiet word.
I'd also be embarrassed at having to tackle it, and probably wouldn't have got past the first date, but you have.
So where from here? I think you need to be honest that you need him to make more effort for family functions. That you understand his family aren't bothered but that it matters to yours, so can he please tidy up for those occasions?
Then either get or help him shop for a few nice outfits, and lay it on how much you fancy him, or like the way he looks, when he wears them.
Start with family gatherings and dates and take it from there.

Vice you echo exactly what my DH was like.

TBH I think it's bloody rude to think of going out with your grandparents for a meal wearing what someone who has been living on the streets for years would wear. I would be hopping mad. He might be nice, he might be funny and charming but he doesn't care a damn what you or your family think.

I would tackle it head on and depending on his reaction would depend on whether the relationship had legs.

I have been in that position (although my DH wasn't quite so bad. He just had awful clothes sense and wouldn't have a clue what looked good and had got to the point of not really caring that much). I told him that I couldn't stand what he was wearing as it didn't suit him/was too old/had marks on it/was too short too tight too dated and he took it all on board. (He also had a skanky flat but that's a whole other story).

Bottom line... over thirty years on and I've had acquaintances say to me what a good looking well dressed man he is! They have no idea of the journey we have come and what he used to look like! I, of course, pass these comments on to him. He likes them and he knows it's down to me sorting out his abysmal sense with clothes!

Eeerrrrrr..... I'm a scientist!!! Albeit I'm a research manager these days cheeky!! But do recall wearing black jeans with pink splashes in from a type of bleach I used in my work lol .... and holey jeans from spilling conc sulphuric acid .....

This would be a deal breaker for me.
My ex-H was a builder and he wore a clean white tshirt every day, he came home quite grubby every day was still outrageously attractive and while he and the guys he worked with were lax about hygiene at work e.g. They'd eat a roll without washing their hands first. But outwith work, he was meticulous about personal hygiene and clean clothes, looking smart etc.
My DH isn't quite as meticulous and I sometimes just tell him straight, get a shower before you go to bed. (He has a shower in the morning but I maintain you need to wash the day off you as well. And he works in a hot environment)
He does put his clothes in the wash but sometimes I check his shirts etc and I think they definitely need washed whereas he thinks he could get another wear out of them.
I put his pyjamas in the wash every day so that he has a clean pair every night.
He wouldn't dream of going out anywhere without making an effort and has lots of nice shirts etc from tkmaxx.
We were clearing out in the summer and I said tell me if there's anything of mine you want me to get rid of or not wear anymore. And I did the same.
(Though he's held onto a few shirts that I'm not keen on although there's nothing wrong with them per se.)
A few years ago, when he started his current job, his uniform was too tight and was digging into his underarms so he stopped using deodorant as he has a bad rash.
He lost weight due to not getting any breaks to eat so that solved the problem of the too tight uniform! But he still didn't start wearing deodorant and his uniforms smelled!
I just eventually told him straight off that he'd have to start using it again!
I make an effort for him eg I always do my hair, wear make up, perfume, legs shaved etc, nice clothes. I expect him to make the same effort for me, well a male equivalent!
I'd have to say something, I don't know how you could have let it go on for so long!
It's not endearing, it's just disrespectful to you and to others if he's turning up at a nice restaurant etc in scruffy clothes.
PS in my book, cleanliness is next to fuckliness

He may just feel really uncomfortable with the idea of smartening up. Perhaps he wants to but just feels 'weird' in smarter/cleaner clothes, especially if his whole family is like that. Living with his mum, she probably reiterates that with 'If she cares, it won't matter what you look like' etc, but it is actually incredibly disrespectful especially if he is coming with you to family outings looking like a scruff. To me, it sounds like a confidence thing and he doesn't want to get out of that comfort zone. My husband and I are definitely casual, but we do like to make an effort if we have somewhere to go. Perhaps just gently explain that you need a bit of compromise on this, that when he makes more of an effort he looks amazing and that a well scrubbed fella, smelling nice and in smarter clothes is a turn on...

Well that did not go as I planned 😞 He came round to my house tonight and he was asking my plans for the week and I suggested that on his half day at work I could meet him afterwards and we could go to the local large shopping centre so I could get a few things for me and the kids for winter and maybe see if there's anything nice for him .
He then said he didn't need anything and had everything he needed . I asked if he was sure , and then he said 'I know you think I dress like shit but I can't help it ' and he got upset and left :( I feel really stupid and awful now .