Aibu to ask people to share unhelpful things said and done by "friends" when hung through infertility hell

[Hestheoneandonly]

That really. Been suffering secondary infertility for quite some time. Sister suffered primary infertility for many years although happily had a DC this year (yay). But during that time I've been gobsmacked at people's thoughtlessness and insensitivity. Neither of us kept quiet about our struggles so it wasn't ignorance but some of the things I've heard people say or seen them do inc

DS really needs a little brother or sister

At least you can go out without worrying about a babysitter

Having two is so hard (I can guarantee it's not as hard as infertility)

You can always adopt

It's probably for the best at your age (piss off DM)

Just relax and it will happen (do you have a death wish)

Just be grateful and be thankful you have DS (yes it appears you actually do have a death wish)

I just wanted to tell you about the next easily achieved/we weren't really trying pregnancy to your face (just text me, even the most cursory glance at google would tell you this, yes I'm happy for you but would have appreciated time to sob uncontrollably in the privacy of my own home first)

Rocking up to my 40th birthday clearly pregnant having not bothered to prewarn me (thanks -yes you did wreck my night).

At least you have a lovely dog (yes really)

Are we the only ones with insensitive friends?

The difference isn't that fertility issues are worse that issues that other people are going through, it's the responses. If my mum just died and I told you, you wouldn't say 'oh at least you have your dad, relax you'll get over it, I'm sure it happened for a reason' you would say 'I'm so sorry for your loss, if there's anything I can do...'
I agree that a lot of the time it is people trying to be helpful or making you feel better (with the exception of those horrible thoughtless comments) but nothing can. Just a 'I'm so sorry' would suffice.
The main problem is that if you've never experienced fertility issues, you just don't have a clue of how traumatic it is and are blissfully ignorant. I know I would have been.

I meant, and in the context of this thread, that telling someone to adopt is grossly insensitive and you will have read from the comments that it is not a well received advice. I was in no way dismissive about adopted kids.

I have never said that second children are only made to become a puppy for the eldest. It's not about toddlers playing together, it's about creating a family around a child. Again, if you are happy with a single child, fine. Others might want a big family around them. You are the one being insensitive.

Here you go: some posters are very proud not to care about others secondary infertility. Fine. It's the same than others not bothered about infertility full stop.

Mauiwest - its not strange at all - if I had to tell someone something that I knew would upset them, I would tell them sensitively in private. If I started dating a friends ex, would I let then know before the party or would I just show up with them?

MauiWest, you're missing my point. I'm not dismissing people's desire to have multiple children. I too have that desire (it's just very difficult when you adopt!!!) . However to ONLY want multiple children for the sake of your eldest is deeply disrespectful to those children.

I think the issue around pregnancy announcements is that they bring up conflicting emotions. You are happy for your friend, yet it is a very sharp reminder of your own sadness. You may worry that you will become more distant as people bond over their shared experience of parenthood. On top of all of this, you feel that you are a dreadful person for experiencing the negative emotions, instead of being happy for your friend.

It is so much easier to rationalise these emotions in private, allow yourself to be sad, before celebrating the new life. That's why it is kinder to not tell people you know are struggling with infertility at some massive social event. Particularly their own birthday.

If I started dating a friends ex, would I let then know before the party or would I just show up with them?

I think this analogy sort of shows why so many people are reacting so strongly to you on this one: dating a friend's ex is clearly hurtful, and most people would consider it 'wrong'. A friend getting pregnant hasn't done anything hurtful and they certainly haven't done anything wrong; it's unfair to expect them to behave like they have.

MargaretCavandish but hearing a friend is pregnant when you are infertile is does actually hurt a lot - No I don't blame them for being pregnant and yes I am very happy for them. But hearing yet another friend is pregnant hurts a lot more than hearing someone is dating an ex. D0nnaLyman put the conflicting thoughts down very well. the analogy lies in the fact that friends should be sensitive to the fact both pieces of news are going to be painful and should be dealt with in private (btw apart from a couple of people I dont think there has been strong reactions and Im starting to wonder if one of those is the friend)

It's not behaving like you have done something wrong, it's just showing some kindness. The same way you wouldn't have a surprise public engagement announcement if a close friend was going through a painful divorce, even though marrying someone you love is a wonderful thing; or announce at someone else's birthday you had passed an exam they have failed three times.

If someone trusts you enough to tell you about something that painful and personal, you should consider their feelings. If you announce your pregnancy but have no idea there is nothing you could have, or should have, done differently.

margaretcavendish of course no one has done anything wrong by being pregnant but I don't think it is asking too much for people to realise that their own situation might cause an acute sense of loss to someone who is desperate to conceive and to realise they might not want to spend their 40th party processing that.

No one has to apologise for their own good fortune (in cases where pregnancy is wanted) but they should act sensitively to those less fortunate.

I don't go on about my wedding to my friend who has recently been dumped. I'm doing nothing wrong by getting married and planning a wedding but I realise that she won't want her face rubbed in it given she is grieving the end of her own relationship. It's basic human sensitivity.

Anyone who turns up at another person's celebration and makes a big thunder-stealing announcement of their own is an asshole. That would include announcing a pregnancy at a birthday of someone struggling with infertility, or someone announcing their engagement at another persons wedding. That's not a true friend. A true friend would either until afterwards to tell their friend or tell them well beforehand so its not the main topic of the day.

FTW It's different because when a parent dies, no-one (I hope) says stupid shit like 'never mind, be grateful you still have the other' or 'ugh, you can have mine if you want, little shits'.

I think it's probably universally (or close to) accepted that being bereaved is awful, whereas there's a perception that infertility is just a bit annoying until you relax/go on holiday/stop trying/adopt/hear the story about thingie's friend's cousin who waited 10years etc

This explains it perfectly, people will say things when you have miscarried or are grieving the fact you will never conceive naturally that they would never say to someone who has recently lost a parent or other family member. I personally think it's because it's something that not a lot of people who experience infertility issues tend to discuss and therefore it's perhaps less common to know how to handle. Or perhaps we don't discuss it too much because people have said stupid shit to us!

I don't understand why people have felt the need to point out that other things in life can happen that are bad also, i think everyone is well aware of that and at no point has anyone said that infertility is worse than losing a parent or dealing with a terminal illness, they have simply stated the unhelpful and downright unkind things that others have said to them. Hopefully in doing so it can alter peoples perceptions of how to speak to someone dealing with infertility and could save someone from the pain of a thoughtless response.

But the friend didn't 'announce' her pregnancy, she just turned up looking pregnant. But I looked pregnant very early on and was waiting on test results before telling anyone, family or friends. Some people don't announce a pregnancy until late for various reasons (sometimes to do with their own prior infertility or loss), so I don't see how you can be annoyed about it really.

My best friend knew we had been trying for a second baby for three years, when she announced that she was expecting her second, when her first child was a year old. I was pleased for her, then she said " Someone asked me if I'd thought of renting my husband out as a stud!" She shrieked with laughter, and I tried to smile back.....

Unless I've misunderstood the friend didn't actually make an announcement, though - they just were visibly pregnant? I agree that making an announcement would be unacceptable (it would actually be a weirdly attention seeking thing to do at anyone else's event). I also think it would have been better if she had forewarned, but I think she probably didn't know how to do it and was a bit scared.

I've had the "well atleast you know you can get pregnant" after a miscarriage after IVF. And "well you'd probabky have struggled with twins" after miscarriage of my DS's twin (more IVF).
Neither were helpful or kind comments.

One of the most insensitive things that has been said to me was by a friend in response to my confiding in her that I was going to subject myself to another round of IVF in the hope of having a second child. It's the same response that has been quoted over and over on this thread - "Oh well, if it fails it just wasn't meant to be." She said it so breezily, as if it was such a small thing. She was also holding her three month old DD2 in her arms as she spoke. The irony of her holding her very much wanted second baby while flicking away my hopes was evidently lost on her. Why wasn't it meant to be? Did I deserve a second baby any less than her?

I have had the latest "Be grateful for what you have.", comment only this week. It was a very well meant comment, made by someone who was trying hard to sympathise and help me move on with my feelings. I have had the same phrase thrown at me so many times by different people, and mostly as a way to shut down any expression of sadness from me. Of course I was grateful to have my DD. I fought for seven years to have her, I have never fought so hard for anything in my life or been so grateful as I was to have her. It doesn't remove the desire for another child, though. Lets's face it, if we all had our first child and said "Wow, I'm so grateful to have one child that I won't have another.", the world's population would be pretty small. Most loving parents who don't suffer infertility are grateful for their first baby but still go on to have another, and some another and another. It doesn't make parents who do suffer from infertility ungrateful to want to have two or three children.

I don't go on about my wedding to my friend who has recently been dumped.

that's very kind of you, but it's different when you are obviously pregnant. You are not showing it off, the bump is just there! You can't hide it without arming the baby (and yourself). Unless you are wearing a tshirt with a smug slogan, you are not rubbing anything in anyone's face, you just are pregnant!

What is the advice then? If you get pregnant and you have friends with fertility issue, do not see them anymore until your kids are at uni?

What is the advice then? If you get pregnant and you have friends with fertility issue, do not see them anymore until your kids are at uni?

No ones saying that.

It would just be kind to let them know you're pregnant while they're not with you and don't text them thevscan picture (as one of my friends did).

MargaretCavendish I get what you mean but it was so obvious she was pregnant it was the first thing anyone asked her so then had to sit through the whole we wanted a second asap (first one was a year at the time) because we would hate to have a big gap etc. It was so obvious and people were always going to mention it so she might as well have made an announcement!

Crayfish she was quite far along - had had scans etc.

So sorry for the rest of you going through infertility, and feeling the pain of yearning for that much longed for baby. Sometimes we all need a moan about the absolute unfairness of it all rather than just "trying to stay positive and relax!" There is no bloody silver lining to infertility!

To OP and all those who have had to suffer fertility issues I'm so sorry. It sucks.

Why is is a terrible thing if people say at least you have other children?

Because for me it removed the right to grieve. It was always said in an "oh well" type of way, having a child already doesn't lessen the pain of loss or unsuccessful fertility treatment.

quite seriously, I think that person is doing a disservice to their existing child

"Quite seriously" you couldn't be more wrong. I wanted a second child BECAUSE my first was so fucking amazing. It wasn't that she wasn't enough, I wanted to enrich our family life yet further.

Spectacular lack of empathy there

it was the first thing anyone asked her so then had to sit through the whole we wanted a second asap (first one was a year at the time) because we would hate to have a big gap etc. It was so obvious and people were always going to mention it so she might as well have made an announcement!

But that was unavoidable - her telling you beforehand wouldn't have changed any of that. Would the only acceptable solution have been for her not to attend your party at all?

her telling you beforehand wouldn't have changed any of that. Would the only acceptable solution have been for her not to attend your party at all?

For me it is about preparation and not being blindsided.

I could easily have handled that situation had I had the time to process it privately.

If you know a friend is going through fertility issues its just basic bloody kindness to tell them of your own pregnancy in a sensitive way.

Because I am delighted for everyone who is wanting a baby and gets pregnant. But to get a pregnancy announcement card through the post entitled "he looked at me and......." with a scan pic inside. Not so kind.

Margaret, as people have tried to explain, plenty of people suffering infertility are happy to see their friends have babies. No one would wish the pain on someone they loved, but sometimes you need a bit of time to process your own feelings.

If you are going to attend the party of someone you know is having fertility treatment, and you are heavily pregnant, and that will be news to the host and the majority of guests, the kind and empathetic thing to do would be to phone/email/text the host so they do not have to spend their birthday putting a brace face on.

When I hear of friends that are pregnant my first response is to cry for a few hours. Then be mad for an hour or so. I'm being honest here.

And I know there are lots of my friends who are struggling who feel EXACTLY the same.

Is it nice? No. But it's how a lot of us feel.

After the initial rollercoaster I'm over the moon for them. Listen to pregnancy woes, buy presents, cook meals when the baby is born, coo over the baby.

But I have an immediate, uncontrollable period of grieving and I can't help that.

If that makes me a horrible and selfish person so be it.

My sil (dh's sis not the twat I mentioned before in this thread) who can be a massive pain in the ass and selfish little madam at times did one of the sweetest things anyone has ever done for me when she feel pregnant within a year of having her first. She sent me a text before I had a chance to find out from mil. It said "we're expecting again. We're super happy but I wanted to tell you by text because I know it will be hard news for you to hear after your miscarriage and the problems you're having. Xxx"

Honest. And kind. I appreciated it more than I think she'll ever know.

For me when someone tells me they're pregnant it's almost like I've been physically smacked in the face.