Aibu to ask people to share unhelpful things said and done by "friends" when hung through infertility hell

[Hestheoneandonly]

That really. Been suffering secondary infertility for quite some time. Sister suffered primary infertility for many years although happily had a DC this year (yay). But during that time I've been gobsmacked at people's thoughtlessness and insensitivity. Neither of us kept quiet about our struggles so it wasn't ignorance but some of the things I've heard people say or seen them do inc

DS really needs a little brother or sister

At least you can go out without worrying about a babysitter

Having two is so hard (I can guarantee it's not as hard as infertility)

You can always adopt

It's probably for the best at your age (piss off DM)

Just relax and it will happen (do you have a death wish)

Just be grateful and be thankful you have DS (yes it appears you actually do have a death wish)

I just wanted to tell you about the next easily achieved/we weren't really trying pregnancy to your face (just text me, even the most cursory glance at google would tell you this, yes I'm happy for you but would have appreciated time to sob uncontrollably in the privacy of my own home first)

Rocking up to my 40th birthday clearly pregnant having not bothered to prewarn me (thanks -yes you did wreck my night).

At least you have a lovely dog (yes really)

Are we the only ones with insensitive friends?

I think telling people by text is helpful.

However I did think, when I was going through it, at least I have one, so that sort of comment I felt mirrored my thoughts.

I really liked the positive stories that people told me, the ones so and so tried for X years and it happened.

Bummymummy I really understand where you're coming from. The phrase "I've got some news" makes me feel physically sick these days as it's so obvious I'm about to hear those words I'm pregnant again

I really liked the positive stories that people told me, the ones so and so tried for X years and it happened.

That's interesting-I really don't like those kinds of stories because I know they aren't relevant to my fertility issues and it's hard to know how to respond to them when the truth is it absolutely isn't going to happen for us. I know people have good intentions but I feel like it's saying to someone with a terminal diagnosis that their second cousin's aunt made a full recovery.

Genuine question - are you always open about the fact you're trying and having problems? I only ask as a lot of people don't like (understandably) being open about the fact at work or with people they don't know very well.....so sometimes people just don't know and wouldn't assume you are trying, so they do just say what occurs to them rather than treading on eggshells. In those circumstances, while I can sympathise with the fact it must hurt, I don't think you can criticise people for being insensitive.

That said, I must admit that some of the things I've heard said here to people who have miscarried/openly had IVF failures are undeniably awful....

natalia not everyone knows, and I'd never accuse someone who didn't know of behaving insensitively regarding announcing pregnancy. Plenty of people are far too nosy about our plans regarding children-it's absolute none of their business and I hate being asked. I am not necessarily polite any more in my replies.

Purple Totally understandable you don't want people to know and quite right it's nobody's business but your own. Just saying that people who didn't know wouldn't necessarily assume you were trying or having problems, therefore might not filter their comments in the way that they (hopefully!) would if they did know. (If that makes sense!)

I'm so sorry to hear some of the terrible things that have been said/done.

My friend has been going through fertility investigations/treatment for the past year. Last month her sister (who knows all about this) sent her a photo of a pregnancy test to ask if it was positive or not because she couldn't really understand the instructions. It was positive. My mouth actually fell open when she told me that. I could not imagine how anyone could be so cruel but reading these posts it's clearly not uncommon.

....actually, even though I say that, it probably doesn't take a genius to work out that friends of a certain age in a long term relationship might be considering having children, so I row back a little from my previous comment!

intravenouscoffee That is truly horrendous.....

I haven't read all the thread, but there has been some really hurtful and insensitive comments made by people on here basically saying having only one child isn't good enough. Plenty of people choose to have only one child for a variety of reasons.

Natalia It was. The only reason they're still speaking is that my friend got her BFP 2 weeks before that message but hadn't told her sister and my friend is much more forgiving than me She's very much the peacemaker in her family and doesn't want her longed for pregnancy overshadowed with family arguments.

I don't think anyone is saying one child isn't good enough or that people's reasons for just having one aren't perfectly valid.

But if someone feels a deep burning desire to have another child that's normal and not much you can do to stop it.

I don't think anyone meant to be insulting.

For me one child is good enough I just wish I knew if I wasn't having another so I could stop the heartbreak every month.

One of the things about infertility is that people who are experiencing it are unusually, cripplingly sensitive about it. Maybe that's because it strikes at the core of the self and feels like a personal failure.

As others have said, it doesn't rate in the grand canon of human suffering anything like as highly as those experiencing it, no matter for how many months or years, would like.

I don't know anyone who's ever tried to be unkind about it, but I do know people who have tried to be kind and got it wrong.

That getting it wrong applies to every sort of human sadness, and I don't think for a second well-meaning-but-klutzy remarks should be taken personally.

Just saying that people who didn't know wouldn't necessarily assume you were trying or having problems, therefore might not filter their comments in the way that they (hopefully!) would if they did know. (If that makes sense!)

I don't think people specifically need to filter their comments for me-the things I've got upset about would have been dickish whoever they were said to.

Perhaps it's for the best given how poorly you've been

Oh you're lucky I've got 3 unplanned kids who I conceived on all manner of contraception!

Kids are hard work you don't want to start all over again now you and dc are so much older

Perhaps you need to split up and find someone who can give you a baby?

I think it depends on the reason for your infertility, mine was unexplained.

bummy I totally get the not knowing. That's difficult to explain. It's like your life is on hold.
to you all.

Someone telling you they're pregnant when you are having issues/ or not preparing you for it, can be devastating, but it can't be described as insensitive. Before I adopted my son I too felt it was unfair when my friends seemed to conceive easily. I spoke to them about it and shared my thoughts. However the feelings of anger and frustration were my "issue", not theirs. I had no right to take from them a defining moment in their life. it's totally unfair to say your pregnant friend ruined your 40th. Unless she waltzed in and deliberately rubbed your nose in it, she didn't. Your thoughts and feelings about her situation ruined your 40th. Infertility is shit. I had 10 years of miscarriages and complete futility and anger, but to be brutally frank with you At some stage you need to accept it and make peace with it. I'm beginning to accept that it's unlikely I'll be able to adopt another child. It's hard, really hard.

basically saying having only one child isn't good enough.

I don't think most people mean that, all they are saying is that they wanted a second one even more than the first, so it can be even more painful. It's not a judgement against other parents choices, it is something very personal.

This is the reason no one knows I'm infertile

Why does the pain of infertility seem to trump other life traumas?

Because infertility is all encompassing and influences every waking decision - from what you eat and drink to future plans. I've avoided food I love for years while TTC, just in case I'm pregnant, and of course it seems pointless because I'm not. I have to make excuses for not drinking alcohol or caffeine, everyone assumes because I'm pregnant, but of course I'm not, and the stress of it all has affected my social life, however much I've tried not to let it. I've avoided booking certain activities/holidays, just in case, and feel like my life has been on hold for years. On the odd occasion I get fed up of being so careful and do something that isn't pregnancy safe, I then feel huge amounts of guilt just in case this was my month and I've jeopardised it.

Because you feel an absolute bitch for being unable to just be happy for someone else when they announce their pregnancy. It makes me feel crap and I beat myself up as I must be a horrible person.

Because it's such a private thing. To anyone that isn't familiar with infertility, it can seem as you're discussing bedroom issues whereas they are actual medical factors at play.

Because people don't make jokes about or trivialise most other types of trauma.

Because fertility treatment takes a huge amount of effort and expense and there are absolutely no guarantees that it will work.

Because unless you get your much longed for child (one way or another) or you make a decision to stop TTC, it takes over your life indefinitely with no end in sight.

I accept that others might not agree with what I've said here, but the fact is that's how I feel and I've just tried to set out the impact it has on me.

We all need a friend like Emily

Blue roses. Oh how true. Life to some extent always seems to be affected. Living life on two week cycles. Pretty sure I've just had another chemical pregnancy )given up testing anymore) life is full of ups and downs. Trying to decide whether to spend money on ivf or just give up and book a holiday but then you have the what if I'm pregnant then trying to count back to see how far a long you would be. As Bummymummy said it's the uncertainty of everything. Having tests and half hoping that they come back and say no chance at all so you have certainty then them coming back and saying you have above average results for your age and the (false) hope begins again. Because it isn't just a big event or trauma it's ongoing it's hard to know how to move on because it's constantly there. It's shit