Aibu to ask people to share unhelpful things said and done by "friends" when hung through infertility hell

[Hestheoneandonly]

That really. Been suffering secondary infertility for quite some time. Sister suffered primary infertility for many years although happily had a DC this year (yay). But during that time I've been gobsmacked at people's thoughtlessness and insensitivity. Neither of us kept quiet about our struggles so it wasn't ignorance but some of the things I've heard people say or seen them do inc

DS really needs a little brother or sister

At least you can go out without worrying about a babysitter

Having two is so hard (I can guarantee it's not as hard as infertility)

You can always adopt

It's probably for the best at your age (piss off DM)

Just relax and it will happen (do you have a death wish)

Just be grateful and be thankful you have DS (yes it appears you actually do have a death wish)

I just wanted to tell you about the next easily achieved/we weren't really trying pregnancy to your face (just text me, even the most cursory glance at google would tell you this, yes I'm happy for you but would have appreciated time to sob uncontrollably in the privacy of my own home first)

Rocking up to my 40th birthday clearly pregnant having not bothered to prewarn me (thanks -yes you did wreck my night).

At least you have a lovely dog (yes really)

Are we the only ones with insensitive friends?

I am child free by choice up to now so my comment is one which was made by a dear friend of mine to another of our friends, who has been TTC for around 8 years and I was once with her when she found out a round of IVF had failed - I have never seen anyone as distraught before or since.

The other friend had a ski trip booked when she found out she was pregnant and asked the TTC friend whether she should ignore her doctors advice not to ski and take the risk anyway. I think it was tongue in cheek, but still. I thought it was so insensitive to be blessed with a pregnancy and be so cavalier about taking risks with it in front of someone who would give anything to be in that position.

I think the insensitive comments which are well meant are not really excusable. It's not a choice between a glib and meaningless platitude and saying nothing at all.

I always just say I'm sorry for what you're going through, I know I can't say anything to make it better but I'm here whenever you need me.

Is that so hard?

"Do you know, all this miscarriage, failed IVF and not getting pregnant is probably God's way of telling you you'd be a terrible mother". From my stepmother who isn't even religious.

I'm with Soggy and elvis - I'm sorry when anybody is experiencing pain and I get why these comments might make you flinch, but the world ain't gonna round you and you're setting yourself up for a fall if you're somehow expecting it.

And hungry, this comment: "nothing like watching your child play on their own to make you feel like complete shit" is utterly ridiculous. As mother to an only who is very self-sufficient and yes, plays on her own, I have no sympathy whatsoever for your view.

ain't gonna tiptoe

Rocking up to my 40th birthday clearly pregnant having not bothered to prewarn me (thanks -yes you did wreck my night).

Really? Do we have to "prewarn " people of our pregnant presence?

It shame that some people perceive a pregnant friend as being smug because she is pregnant (or worst, stealing their thunder. Because yes, she will have chosen to be pregnant at the time your party was planned.). They seem to forget that being pregnant is not necessarily such a happy time. When you suffered recurring miscarriages or stillbirths in the past, pregnancy is a very worrying time. Expecting others to tip toe constantly is unreasonable.

What a strange thing to have to "announce" your pregnancy by text in advance .

Also, since when do you have a second child so that your first child has a playmate!!!! They might hate each other. You have a second child coz you want to look after and nurture another human being not to keep your other company!!!

bibliomania

you sound charming. You can be perfectly happy with your life choices, but it's mean to disregard someone else heartache for having different ones. Talk about cruel comments!

Strongmummy Yes, some parents want other children for the sake of their first ones. If you are happy with a single child, that's wonderful. You don't NEED siblings to have a great childhood, but you cannot judge other people lives and wishes.

It's like me saying that If you only want to "look after and nurture another human being" you can just as well adopt children. Good grief, if this doesn't prove how insensitive others can be.

To pee on a stick to prove that my friends test was positive, after all 'so unlikely I would be pregnant'

Diddums.

Cross post, that was to Maui, not Blueberry.

The worst thing I had said to me was by a rabid catholic who was pregnant for the 5th time (and had 4 previously successful pregnancies) and knew I'd had a still birth at 32 weeks and 3 subsequent MC.

"God is punishing you with no children because you don't believe in him enough". (She'd also found out I wasn't "Catholic Christian" in my beliefs).

Some people are nutters very insensitive.

** Disclaimer - I know she's a fruit-loop and the majority of Christians wouldn't even entertain such stupid thoughts.

And the point to Maui is that frankly, who gets the life they expect? You said I may be happy with my choice - who said I got all my choices?

That's not a general fling at those struggling with infertility of any kind. Genuinely, I'm sorry for the pain incurred. But if someone is wailing about the horror of having to watch her child play alone, well, what that person needs is a reality check.

But if someone is wailing about the horror of having to watch her child play alone, well, what that person needs is a reality check

You can't understand why someone who desperately wants another baby would be upset watching their child play alone? You need an empathy check.

10storey (and others) I'm so very sorry for your losses.

I know it doesn't help, but it can happen. Our amazing DD arrived after her sister's stillbirth and 6 subsequent MC's.

MauiWest you've said that to the wrong person as I do adopt children and don't quite understand what you mean? How is my family set up any different to someone who has given birth to their children. I've found your comment unclear and insensitive. I also find having more kids as playmates very disrespectful to those children. They're humans in their won right, not play things for the eldest

*own

Purple, quite seriously, I think that person is doing a disservice to their existing child.

If people have reached the point of watching their happy, healthy child play alone and feeling wretched then they help they need goes beyond infertility and the normal sensitivities they might expect. I have an only child, I'm not bothered if others wouldn't like an only, that's their own choice. But to feel shit about it and to want me to agree, well, no. I have feelings too.

All I ever wanted to hear was "That is really shit, you don't deserve that. Are you okay?" or "You and DH would make brilliant parents". That's all. There's nothing difficult about it.

See, herein lies the problem. That would be OK for you but at my lowest ebb that comment would have had me in floods of tears in no time. So it is actually very difficult to find the right words for the any one person in a given situation. You just don't know how someone will react. That said, there are some absolutely hideous examples of responses here that could never be considered 'right' in any circumstances.

That comment being 'you would make brilliant parents'. Yes I know! That's why I'm so cut up about it!