Aibu to ask people to share unhelpful things said and done by "friends" when hung through infertility hell

[Hestheoneandonly]

That really. Been suffering secondary infertility for quite some time. Sister suffered primary infertility for many years although happily had a DC this year (yay). But during that time I've been gobsmacked at people's thoughtlessness and insensitivity. Neither of us kept quiet about our struggles so it wasn't ignorance but some of the things I've heard people say or seen them do inc

DS really needs a little brother or sister

At least you can go out without worrying about a babysitter

Having two is so hard (I can guarantee it's not as hard as infertility)

You can always adopt

It's probably for the best at your age (piss off DM)

Just relax and it will happen (do you have a death wish)

Just be grateful and be thankful you have DS (yes it appears you actually do have a death wish)

I just wanted to tell you about the next easily achieved/we weren't really trying pregnancy to your face (just text me, even the most cursory glance at google would tell you this, yes I'm happy for you but would have appreciated time to sob uncontrollably in the privacy of my own home first)

Rocking up to my 40th birthday clearly pregnant having not bothered to prewarn me (thanks -yes you did wreck my night).

At least you have a lovely dog (yes really)

Are we the only ones with insensitive friends?

Why was it terrible for friend to turn up to party without telling me? Because each time you find out a friend is pregnant it's like a knife to your heart and you need time to grieve over it, throwing that at me on my birthday was a bit thoughtless tbh. Being pregnant is something to be celebrated and not ashamed of, not considering a close friends feelings in her birthday is!

The thing is op, if you take away all the 'insensitive" comments you refer to, people are left with very little option than to just shut up and say nothing

This. Times 1,000.

Genuine question: why does the pain of infertility seem to trump other life traumas? We don't expect people to tiptoe around other very upsetting things in people's lives. I lost both my parents in horrendous circumstances when I was quite young. I cannot begin to count the number of times people have said things around me that could be construed as insensitive. But I don't take offence or expect anyone to moderate themselves around me, because I understand that everyone has different crosses to bear in life, and most people are generally just bumbling through life trying not to hurt or offend anyone. After what I went through, I made a pact to myself that, with so much genuinely bad shit going on in the world, I was never again going to be upset by someone else's good news.

The thing that really upsets me is the attitude mentioned above (and I have seen it in real life) that people are doing something wrong by simply managing to get pregnant, and more importantly, not managing your reaction to it. Sorry, but people are not mind readers and this thread demonstrates perfectly that there is no one obvious 'right' way to impart this news that everyone suffering infertility agrees upon.

My mother asked me this ( after 2 rounds of IVF final one successful and me starting on biological drugs for chronic illness that I'd been putting off ) can you still get pregnant while taking that drug ? Me ?! Are you serious after everything we've been through you KNOW it's not that easy... her well I like to think you still might. Me WTAF? She's said similar shit before that and since. Refuses to accept it even though she helped pay for the second round and knows I have low hormones and hubs swimmers don't swim at all due to antibodies.... looking at child in car seat she says " maybe if gods good she will get a brother or sister " I just said well if you've another 6k maybe . Beggars belief.

God people are so shit. I'm sorry you all had to listen to this insensitive crap.

My dear friend told me about her unexpected pregnancy with the phrase
" See? You never know "
4 failed IVF and a zero sperm count mean I do know, sadly.
She's a lovely friend , she really didn't mean any harm.
What can you do?
You can live your life being hurt and offended or just acknowledge that people won't understand it the way we do.
Obviously if someone is just being mean and bitchy then it's a different thing.

After what I went through, I made a pact to myself that, with so much genuinely bad shit going on in the world, I was never again going to be upset by someone else's good news.

I'm really glad you can manage that, and if it helps I feel like a total bitch for finding my friends' pregnancies upsetting. I am practically oscar worthy at covering it but sometimes you can't help how you feel.

Shopping with my cousin and mum - she was buying clothes for her DD. Mum says "ooh, I bet you'd love a daughter, eh Jiggl?" Said on a trip to take my mind off the tough year of failed fertility treatments I had had.

Actually, I really regret ever telling her my fertility woes. I cant count on my hands the amount of times she's said something hurtful or thoughtless to me about getting pregnant or not getting pregnant. Also because the instant I confided in her, she told everyone on her side of the family and denied that she was out of line doing so.

Others have came out with some spectacular clangers too. I can handle comments from people who don't know about our infertility. It might upset me a little privately but I give them the benefit of the doubt that if they did know, they never would have said what they did. It's the ones like my mum who do know all we went though and think it's ok to make jokes and quips about it that piss me right off.

Genuine question - how would you like people to share pregnancy news? I got pregnant not long after my SIL had a miscarriage and we opted for telling her over the phone (I was a bit 14 weeks by then but we hadn't told anyone at all until that point) and she was upset we hadn't done it face to face. I told my boss, who was going through IVF at the time, face-to-face because it wasn't appropriate or professional any other way (we shared an office) and she clearly found it hard to take. I think she would have preferred something more detatched like an email.

It's very hard to get this right and I would hate to hurt anyone. I have never put anything about my pregnancy on facebook or anything for this reason as you don't know what other people are going through. I have struggled in the past myself because me and my ex husband were unable to get pregnant so I understand the pain it can cause, but it's still really hard to know what's best.

Shutting up and not saying anything is probably a really good idea for work randoms

This is true. However, I'm not sure I'd be telling work randoms - only friends and family - who are often likewise at a loss as to know what useful to say/ do to be helpful.

crayfish it's difficult because different people prefer different things. I like text or email so I can get my head together and be happy not upset when I see them.

soggy
Genuine question: why does the pain of infertility seem to trump other life traumas? We don't expect people to tiptoe around other very upsetting things in people's lives. I lost both my parents in horrendous circumstances when I was quite young. I cannot begin to count the number of times people have said things around me that could be construed as insensitive. But I don't take offence or expect anyone to moderate themselves around me, because I understand that everyone has different crosses to bear in life, and most people are generally just bumbling through life trying not to hurt or offend anyone. After what I went through, I made a pact to myself that, with so much genuinely bad shit going on in the world, I was never again going to be upset by someone else's good news.

Soggy, I can only speak for myself. I feel it's because nobody jokes or been flippant about bereavement the way they do about getting pregnant. It's sensitive to me because my infertility is intertwined with bereavement and loss. So to 'joke' that I'm selfish because DS has no sibling when I mourn and think of each and every one of those babies that didn't make it is just about tolerable from someone who says it unwittingly, but it's breathtakingly cruel from someone you love and trust such as my mum joking in front of extended family that even my guppies are more fertile than me.

I am so sorry and loads of these are just mind-bogglingly awful.

My best friend has had awful times and yes i did the text thing esp with 2nd - can I just check, I just have always said (at the right junctures) 'that is so awful, I cannot imagine what you are going through' - now really hoping that is okay.

The most helpful thing I THINK, but I am happy to be told otherwise, is listening and learning loads about her treatment, as it is so complex and often I felt she really needed someone other than her DH to talk to about hormones and chemicals and drugs and cycles. Plus also I never, ever told her anything about how frankly horrific (for lots of reasons) my first year was with baby, it really was grim but I couldn't imagine anything less sensitive than calling up and being all 'man life with my baby is such a struggle'. I also imagine it must be so difficult when people start dropping the news about pregnancy 2 and onwards.

It is so, so hard. Thanks for this thread, it is genuinely hard sometimes to know how best to support the people you love who are going through this (I have had four friends affected. All but one of them have eventually had children with lots of medical help and I really hope the fourth does too, hasn't been trying as long so still lots of hope left).

to all.

Sorry Dixie having re-read your post I see you're referring to a miscarriage and of course colleagues will know about that. I was referring more to people undertaking IVF or knowing they're struggling to conceive. Please don't take offence - I'm sorry

I get that, I preferred text or email myself. I had literally just come from an appointment at the hospital where we had been told that exDH and I had only very slim chances of getting pregnant naturally, when my friend came over waving her scan photo under my nose saying it was really hard because they had been trying for FIVE MONTHS. Then when I split from my husband there were the legions of people telling me I was lucky we didn't have children.

Its a very eary thing to get wrong though and even when you are acting with compassionate intentions you can hurt somebody.

Sorry I'm really worried that my post sounded like I was virtue signalling in some way - it is just so awful to have people you love go through this unique pain over years where people are literally popping up every day going 'YAY I'm PG AGAIN', but the worst is that you can never ever understand what they're going through or really help them in any meaningful way. I'm truly astounded at some of these blinders coming from DMs and relatives etc, ffs!

The thing is littlelionmansmammy, having gone through 4 rounds of IVF, 2 of which landed me in hospital, 1 via blue lights, my work colleagues were clearly becoming very concerned that I was seriously ill, so I told them. I don't think it's fair to leave people believing you have cancer (as I know some did) and worrying about you unnecessarily. You also experience a lot of judgement about the time out required for appointments etc and sometimes it is just easier to explain. Why should I hide it? It's nothing to be ashamed of.

To the pp who asked why infertility trumps other life issues, it doesn't. I've been consistently happy for my friends who get pregnant with no dramas, I wouldn't wish what I've been through on anyone. However I do reserve the right to be pissed off when people tell my it's my fault (it's no one's fault, it's just shitty luck), crack jokes at my DHs expense or tell me it's a good thing my baby died.

But to the people who are worrying about what to say, the only advice I can give is act in good faith and if people are your friends they will try to see your good intentions, even if the wording is a little off.

"Friend" on her 3rd "accidental" pregnancy in 18 months (all terminated), when DH and I had been trying unsuccessfully to conceive for roughly the same length of time:*

"Isn't it funny how you and your DH desperately want kids and can't have them no matter what you do, while BF and I don't want them yet I fall pregnant if we so much as hang up our coats next to each other?!"

Oh yeah, that's hilarious.
^
*^I did get pregnant some time after that, and we now have two gorgeous children.

Soggy, sorry for your losses.

It's different because when a parent dies, no-one (I hope) says stupid shit like 'never mind, be grateful you still have the other' or 'ugh, you can have mine if you want, little shits'.

I think it's probably universally (or close to) accepted that being bereaved is awful, whereas there's a perception that infertility is just a bit annoying until you relax/go on holiday/stop trying/adopt/hear the story about thingie's friend's cousin who waited 10years etc

Sorry but I agree with SoggyBottomBoys - some of the accounts shared here are breathtakingly inconsiderate, but many seem more genuinely well-intended misguided. I don't think this idea that the world should stop turning because of an individual's fertility issues is reasonable or healthy.

Unfortunately for some people it will never happen, and I don't think retreating from the world because they can't accept that for others it will is the way to make peace with that.

As someone else said, there are people who have lost parents at a young age - whilst I'm aware and considerate of this where I've friends in that position, I don't act like I don't have parents when they'd naturally come up in conversation.
As with any bereavement or loss, whilst it's wholly reasonable to expect consideration and empathy from others, ultimately those in this position have to learn to deal with it whilst accepting that for others life goes on.

Infertility isn't the worst thing I've been through but other people have hit the nail on the head by saying people are so much more sensitive around other serious issues and just don't think about how careless/insensitive they might be. My own mother after all the above had already blabbed to wider family circle even though I'd asked her very clearly not to and became very dismissive of me when I was upset about it. Now I've another family member going through similar and I've warned them not to tell her anything if they want it kept private .

I'm so sorry for all of you that have received these comments.

I've received a lot of the same and more.

In particular my super special cunt of a sister in law finds it necessary to post hilarious memes pretty much every day on her Facebook about how vile children are. How she wishes she was infertile so she didn't have to deal with 'awful brats'. How she just doesn't see why people try to hard to have children when they are disgusting and nowhere near as nice as dogs.

The best was THE DAY after she found out my miscarriage a while back posting 'sooooooo happy to be on decent birth control and child freeeeee yipeeeeee! Nobody understands how not recognising my right to avoid the whole revolting process that is childbirth and having children is hurting me and abusive.' Cue all her millions of Hun mates bigger her up.

The worst is now we're starting fertility treatments and the shocking comments we're getting.

Plus also I never, ever told her anything about how frankly horrific (for lots of reasons) my first year was with baby

that's actually very sad. It means that the other person is not a real friend. Infertility is incredibly painfully (literally!), but struggling with a baby - in some cases with PND - can be hell too. Why that constant need to prioritise heartache, it's very very sad.