Aibu to ask people to share unhelpful things said and done by "friends" when hung through infertility hell

[Hestheoneandonly]

That really. Been suffering secondary infertility for quite some time. Sister suffered primary infertility for many years although happily had a DC this year (yay). But during that time I've been gobsmacked at people's thoughtlessness and insensitivity. Neither of us kept quiet about our struggles so it wasn't ignorance but some of the things I've heard people say or seen them do inc

DS really needs a little brother or sister

At least you can go out without worrying about a babysitter

Having two is so hard (I can guarantee it's not as hard as infertility)

You can always adopt

It's probably for the best at your age (piss off DM)

Just relax and it will happen (do you have a death wish)

Just be grateful and be thankful you have DS (yes it appears you actually do have a death wish)

I just wanted to tell you about the next easily achieved/we weren't really trying pregnancy to your face (just text me, even the most cursory glance at google would tell you this, yes I'm happy for you but would have appreciated time to sob uncontrollably in the privacy of my own home first)

Rocking up to my 40th birthday clearly pregnant having not bothered to prewarn me (thanks -yes you did wreck my night).

At least you have a lovely dog (yes really)

Are we the only ones with insensitive friends?

Oriana - those hurt the most actually.

We tried for ds for over two years. Now been trying for 2.5 years with a miss carriage in the middle and have been told by countless people that we should be happy to have had the miscarriage as it means I'm not infertile. No but I'm almost 40 and clearly struggling to conceive so the utter joy of finally conceiving then losing it is a good thing?!

I know most people are trying to help but it's still hurtful.

I feel your pain. I have just ended a second round of infertility treatment and AF arrived on Wednesday. we have one 5 year old but I really want a sibling for her. My MIL keeps asking and hinting too.

My freiend once said her having an abortion and regretting it was like me being unable to conceive.
I nearly hit her.

Im almost 40 too so having lots of comments not to leave it too late..... like you can fucking help it!

Being told you miscarried because you're too old to be having kids was fucking special. The day after. Thanks mil. That wasn't well meaning that was just pure cuntishness.

Dms comments on fertility treatment have been awesome - you're risking cancer and the risk of multiples. Twins would ruin your life.

Sorry you're having difficulties. My husband and I decided to adopt as we had suffered a number of miscarriages. Therefore I do understand your upset from first hand experience. However and it's a big however, expecting people to fore warn you about being pregnant really is a bit much. The fact it ruined your 40th birthday is your issue, not their insensitivity!!! have you told all your friends that you need to be texted first before they announce pregnancy to your face or show up pregnant? If not then YABU

And yes this is a negative thread but there are also lovely, supportive fluffy infertility and loss threads and sometimes things are so lovely and fluffy and you just want to be a little miserable, wallow and get it out.

I'm sorry but even before my infertility issues there's no way I'd have shown up to a friend's house pregnant without telling her via text or email let alone her birthday party!!!

I'm confused, you wouldn't show up to a friend's party without letting them know you were pregnant, even if she didn't have fertility issues? Why not?! Not everyone thinks about announcing pregnancy when they can tell people face to face?!

The worst comments were when I was going through treatment.

The lectures about staying calm because it might hurt the baybee were off the HOOK. At the time, I was having a major stressful life event and I'm not sure what people expected me to do. A reaction is a reaction and suppressing emotional responses to bad shit can't be good either. Why would they want to imply that if I got upset or sad, a miscarriage would be all my fault? Idiots.

(Anyway, they were wrong. I was super stressed all the way through the first half of the first trimester, and I'm 31 weeks along now and everything is fine.)

I'm confused, you wouldn't show up to a friend's party without letting them know you were pregnant, even if she didn't have fertility issues? Why not?! Not everyone thinks about announcing pregnancy when they can tell people face to face?!

that

You can't win. If you announce in advance, you will be accused to be heartless and make the event about yourself (or something like that), if you announce face to face, you are ruining the evening.

I'm saying that even before I'd experienced infertility myself I'd let a friend that I knew was having trouble conceiving know I was pregnant via text or email rather than selling it on her.

Plus also I never, ever told her anything about how frankly horrific (for lots of reasons) my first year was with baby

I wouldn't hide those things. Some of my very close friends have had post natal depression and babies that have slept badly or have had health issues. I really want to know if they're finding things difficult so I can support them. I actually find it easier to deal with friends with babies than pregnant friends. I'd hate to think my friends couldn't talk to me if they were having a hard time.

"I was considering an abortion for weeks."

"You're lucky you're not parents, it's shit."

Both from the same person. No need for either of them. I've never seen her in quite the same way since, although the verbal slap she got for the second one meant she didn't give us a third.

Some of these comments are unforgiveable. I do agree, though, that sometimes people find it difficult to empathise with situations that differ really sharply from their own. On that note, I think there's a really unhelpful dismissal of the fact that unwanted pregnancy can be a real and profound trauma at several points in this thread.

Friends comments just after my miscarriage that they knew about
"Don't ever get pregnant, it's soooo hard feeling ill"
"Oh well, at least you can drink now"

I think there's a big difference between saying something ridiculous and hurtful, eg "stop stressing, I'm sure it'll happen, you work too hard, it wasn't meant to be" etc..... and someone being pregnant and not warning you. That in itself is not insensitive. It's a state of being! What I found more awful was people EXPECTING me to be devastated when they announced they were pregnant or were fearful of telling me.

Some of the comments are beyond horrible the one that stands out as the most cruel is the one in the staff room saying that the poster couldn't sit there as that was the pregnant side of the room. Such vile cold cruelty.

Turning up visibly pregnant to a party is problematic as she might have thought texting or warning you first was crowing. Not sure what I would do there.

After my second missed miscarriage, my friend - "isn't it funny how you and [other friend who had IVF to conceive] are so young and have had so much trouble, when I'm older than both of you and find it so easy to get pregnant! You'd think I'd be the one finding it hard" Yep, yep, it's hilarious!
Same friend, the first time we met up again after my ERPC for said missed miscarriage (emergency one due to haemhorrage), then went on to tell me all about how she thought she might be pregnant and didn't want to be and would definitely have an abortion if she was, because she had her 2 kids now and didn't want any more. She wasn't using any contraception at the time.
I never saw her in quite the same way again tbh.
I also had "at least you can get pregnant" and "there was probably something wrong with it" from other people.
These days, I am so incredibly grateful for my 2 lovely kids, and try very hard not to to be a massive cunt about things.

The people who are saying my friend's not a real friend because I can't talk to her about those things - I could have, but I chose not to, I have lots of other mum friends to bitch to and who helped me get over eg difficult birth, challenging baby. After all, I still felt I would rather have gone through that in order to have had the baby than otherwise, so would she I assume. She has been there for me in lots and lots of ways, she is an amazing friend and AMAZING to my children.

Trust me, I've been through some shit in life and infertility is one of the shittier experiences. But comparing and saying my shit experience is worse than yours is pointless, you can always trump crap experiences. But as others have said, infertility, esp secondary seems to seen as a hassle rather than an actual grieving process. Would you walk up to someone who has just lost their mum and say, hey mines shit you can have mine, or you are probably better off without her anyway, or never mind you could try visiting some old people? or someone who cant walk and say hey my legs really ache, you'e so lucky you cant feel yours? Sounds stupid doesn't it?

To the people asking how to break news of pregnancies to infertile friends, obviously everyone is different but I would much prefer a text (and generally on infertility forums this seems to be the preferred method 99% of the time) so I can handle my grieve in private, then when I see you I can show how I am truly happy for you, rather than spending my time trying not to break down. Certainly never, ever decide to use someone elses important event to break your happy news!

I'm so sorry you had a miscarriage, but I have some news to cheer you up. I am pregnant (and due on the same date you would have been!)
Never spoke to that 'friend' again.

Ooh lucky you (1 week after miscarriage, said by pregnant colleague who knew) you can eat everything on the menu now like the goat's cheese and pate. Yes, lucky me.

I hate the "defence" that people say stupid hurtful things because they don't know what to say. It doesn't take a genius or someone to have walked in an infertile person's shoes to imagine/appreciate how awful it is. All I ever wanted to hear was "That is really shit, you don't deserve that. Are you okay?" or "You and DH would make brilliant parents". That's all. There's nothing difficult about it.

The comment I hated most of all, and it seems quite innocuous on the face of it was " It obviously isn't mean't to be". That phrase is so loaded for me.

I agree that your friend should have texted you, that would have ruined my night too.

unwanted pregnancy can be a real and profound trauma

It certainly can but there may be better people to share that with than someone you know has spent years of misery trying to conceive. There may not; a few seconds' thought on both sides helps though.