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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get fed up of my DP going to ExWs house regularly because of kids?

630 replies

Sunflowerspread · 10/11/2016 22:51

I've been with my DP 5 years - and mostly good but for one niggle - he's always going to ExWs house because of their kids!

He takes his two daughters to Uni every morning - they live at their mum's - so he goes around every morning. Fair enough.

When their mum goes away they sometimes come to ours, they are very welcome, one used to live with us. But more and more they don't want to, and so DP goes to their house to see them and check they are OK. If they want their computer sorting, or a lift. Again, DP goes to theirs, they are often not ready, so he gets asked to go in, he does.

I do get that he needs a relationship. I do get that they are living at their mums. But why does it always have to be there?

I've tried to entice them to ours for the weekend, taken them out for dinners, all so that they can have some Dad time in his own house, or just him and them. His ExW has been starting to ask him more and more favours which involve him going to her house. They have a half sister now, who they hardly ever see because of this new 'norm'.

I'm just getting a bit fed up, but if I don't want to say anything directly as DP will just feel like I want to stop him seeing his daughters. Which I don't. I just wish it were more at our house!

OP posts:
Roussette · 13/11/2016 18:49

It's best if you leave it whilst you're angry maybe sunflower. You need to collect your thoughts and tell him exactly what he is doing to you and your DD. He needs to get a grip and realise what he is about to lose....

Aeroflotgirl · 13/11/2016 18:52

I think the space will do you both the world of good. He needs to realise you and dd are also important, your dd is getting a raw deal because of his behaviour.

Pollyanna9 · 13/11/2016 19:04

I'm going to come at this from a different angle (bearing in mind I think his incredibly excessive levels of contact with his exW and his pandering to his children who are old enough to get to Uni themselves - to the detriment of you and your lovely little DD are NOT acceptable).

However (and again, I'm not condoning what he's doing or how he's handling things at the moment vis a vis disappearing). I wonder.

Has he got in so deep to the demands of his exW that he's actually struggling to know how to pull back and pull away because she guilt trips him or whatever techniques she uses to keep him attending to her every need and whim when she knows full well it's no longer appropriate. Any woman worth a jot would be actively telling him bugger off go home to your wife - but she's not doing that and she's very wrong.

I wonder if the 'running away/hiding from you' that he's doing at the moment is a reaction to him realising that the jig is up, that you may have had enough and he doesn't know how to extricate himself???

As I say, I'm not condoning what he's done or how he's handling himself at the moment, but I do think there could be some element of very negative for him aspects to his current relationship with his exW and other children..... I suppose we could all be making the assumption that he enjoys this contact with her, that he enjoys this contact with his other children - maybe he doesn't, maybe she's a master manipulator guilt tripping bugger and she's got him twisting and jumping to her tune. He doesn't know what to do so when you say hey buddy, this is enough now. He goes AWOL because he knows that the time is up on this little scenario but he doesn't know how he's going to end the current involvement with exW?

This could of course be total rubbish but I was trying to figure out that the reality for him might be that he would actually like to be with you more but she seems to have some hold on him that goes way above anything normal. Anyone with half a brain wouldn't want their exH/exW around all the time no matter how good their relationship was! I had to let mine in the house for 5 minutes on Friday night and I hated even that! Urgh, can't stand being in the same county as him.

Spadequeen · 13/11/2016 19:15

Oh so now he's ready to talk, when he behaved like a child when you wanted to talk. What a dick.

sterlingcooper · 13/11/2016 19:32

this would be fine if I and his young daughter didn't exist, but we do.

And it's not even that you just randomly exist, but that he CHOSE to make a commitment to you and have another child. Those are things he obviously wanted because they are nice and lovely. But he can't have all the loveliness and expect none if the difficulty and trickiness of working things out when you don't agree and being willing to compromise sometimes.

putthehamsterbackinitscage · 13/11/2016 19:46

Take your time to work out what you want ...

when you do eventually talk, be clear on your needs and wants and make this about your family unit and not his ex per se.

You aren't really getting his support - he may put DD to bed in between his errands and hobbies but you deserve to feel that you are equal partners and an equal priority in his life to all of the children

His ex will always be part of his life but he chose to make a new family and should understand he has a commitment to you both
And you deserve at least as much effort as his older DC

TitaniasCloset · 13/11/2016 19:48

Really messed up situation and I feel for you and your daughter OP.yanbu at all. Does he have a problem connecting with his dd as she is sn?

I'm sorry to be the one to say it and probably not helpful but at this point I would be suspecting an affair with the ex going on and the dropping off at uni ect might be a cover.

He is not even there in the morning to help your dd get ready for the day, sounds like she is not a priority at all.

I think you should speak to a solicitor to find out your financial rights at this point. I cannot believe he bought ex a house yet the house you live in is his.I really don't like this man and am angry on your behalf.

Good luck and God bless Flowers

WankersHacksandThieves · 13/11/2016 19:53

This could of course be total rubbish but I was trying to figure out that the reality for him might be that he would actually like to be with you more but she seems to have some hold on him that goes way above anything normal.

Maybe he is under pressure, but at the end of the day he could have spent this weekend with his partner and small child but he chose to fuck off and sulk and pretend that it's her fault.

PickAChew · 13/11/2016 20:16

They're not going to go through with that divorce at all, are they.

Pollyanna9 · 13/11/2016 20:16

Yes Wankers I already said that I didn't condone his current way of 'handling' the matter ie running off and hiding.

There is something about that relationship that's wrong though, with ex missus, for sure. He's got something big to sort out there.

Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 13/11/2016 20:18

pollyana Yes there is a very unhealthy dynamic for my DP, might be good for ExW! I didn't realise until she turned on me once quite viciously once for politely refusing to do a favour for her. I keep my distance now.

My DP has huge pride and will never, ever admit that he does some of things because he is made to feel awful if he doesn't. I'm sure he takes them to Uni because she said it was the only thing he does for them. I think he feels like he has to make up for my and our daughters existence by trying doubling hard with them, and that they now live with their mother.

What most troubles me is how angry he gets when I try and talk about it, I've tried before about things that affected us e.g.health insurance (used to still be in ExWs name and not mine!). For a generally considerate man he goes completely off the rails, it's almost like he reacts how his ExW would - completely one sided and turns it on me.

OP posts:
WankersHacksandThieves · 13/11/2016 20:22

I agree Pollyanna, though I have just become FB friends with DH's brother's ex wife which seems a bit odd when you think about it :) Although they have been divorced for nearly 20 years and she gets on well with BIL's current wife and, at the end of the day, she is our (grown up) nephew's mum. BIL and SIL not on FB though.

WankersHacksandThieves · 13/11/2016 20:26

I think his anger stems from embarrassment at being called out on his behaviour to an extent. He can't get angry at her so gets angry at you instead.

I guess he feels emasculated and weak and by being horrible to you it makes him feel strong - but then he feels guilty and then just shoves your feelings into the "too hard" pile and ignores them.

PNGirl · 13/11/2016 20:26

Ultimately I think he goes off on one at you because he can't do it at the exwife without her turning his daughters against him. Unfortunately he's decided you won't react like that and will probably just take it, whether that's true or not.

HelenaDove · 13/11/2016 20:28

He wont be able to ignore the CMS.

Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 13/11/2016 20:34

He's just sent me a few texts there now, wanting to come back to 'me and his daughter'. I am holding firm but it gave me a chance to send him an email. I told him that I had been feeling like a single parent.

He suddenly feels like he wants to be around in the week to support us, but I had to say to him that really, apart from putting our daughter to bed, I have her for 12 hour days. It's not much extra for me to do. I think that jolted him a bit, I think he's been in denial about how little he sees us. Also that I had just been left all weekend to cope alone - he said he thought I wanted some space. I had told him to go away and calm down, but not to leave the house!

I said that I wanted him to consider why he got so angry with me and wouldn't let me talk reasonably. I really don't think he is at the stage now where he can still talk with me without just getting totally defensive.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 13/11/2016 20:35

Sorry, what's CMS?

OP posts:
WankersHacksandThieves · 13/11/2016 20:40

OP, you know him and the situation best. Sounds like another day or two absence is on the cards? If you are going away next weekend, you need to decide if you want to see him before that, if he is coming home while you are away, or whether you want to leave it longer. We can't tell you the answer to that.

Would a phone call at some point be a compromise?

Roussette · 13/11/2016 20:43

Thing is... sun he should have your back, his priority should be . you and your DD. He left his ExW for a reason, she is an ex and shouldn't feature at all.

Yes, it's good he is in contact with his DDs but they are adults, you are his family now. I presume his ex is not with anyone but she is expecting too much from him. He needs to cut contact with her, there is no need.

Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 13/11/2016 20:47

Yes, I guess it has opened up a huge crack in our relationship, and it won't be sorted overnight. I still haven't had an acknowledgement that this is a problem with us, rather than 'just an unreasonable problem coming from me'. I guess if I start insisting he has our daughter more so that I go out and get some contact with others is a start. I probably should start going out one evening a week too and get him to be home earlier some nights, while we see whether the relationship actually survives. I just feel like my life is on hold, apart from my life with my daughter, I'm not sure that I have one!

OP posts:
PaulDacresConscience · 13/11/2016 20:51

I would be tempted to be very blunt and say that it feels like you are in a relationship with a married man. That it feels like his divorce is only a piece of paper and that he is for all intents and purposes still behaving like a husband to his Ex.

HelenaDove · 13/11/2016 20:53

The Child Maintenance Service. He would have to pay Child Support if you split.

Pollyanna9 · 13/11/2016 20:59

She sounds to have a lot of (inappropriate) control of him that's for sure.

I would posit that he 'goes completely off the rails' when you talk about stuff like this because it's something she's got him feeling guilty about and he knows that if he tries to address it with exW, there's going to be ructions. She seems to have him over a barrel.

He may be saying he wants to come back, he wants to spend more time with you and DD - but he's not suddenly gained full insight into what is going on and what the weird and controlling dynamics are that he's become a slave to. Full clarity, proper insight - that will take a while so it can't be rushed. It sounds quite a complicated relationship with a lot of manipulation, guilt and control and he won't be able to work his way to the bottom of that and out the other side in just a couple of days away.

So at least he's had some kind of small realisation that he's not spending enough time with you two so at least that's one small positive step forwards - but as with all men, beware the words - we want actions and we want true understanding from him as to how strange things have been with him and his ex and his failure to have the appropriate level of commitment to you and DD. Without that understanding she'd only have to have another dippy fit and he'd be right back to where he was before!

He may not even realise he's been manipulated and controlled.

And I get the impression that you've been WAY, WAY understanding about things even though they haven't felt right. You've tried to be decent and understanding and accommodating - but now you aren't willing to do that any more and it is going to require actual change from him and for him to face up to the situation. He may also need to see that standing firm against his exW shouldn't necessarily have to affect his relationship to his two older DDs as bad as he may have been led to believe (by her). He may feel everything will unravel if he rocks the boat. I think it will JUST be dawning for him that if he doesn't sort this stuff out, he will lose you guys - so he's going finally to have to face it.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/11/2016 21:47

The ex sounds like she doesent like people saying no to her, that includes yiur partner. She is calling the shots, and your partner is scared of her. That is not your problem, either your partner starts saying no, or its over. I think the space is excellent, don't relent, take all the space you need to get the message across your serious.

NoSunNoMoon · 14/11/2016 08:12

Well done, OP. You have made it clear to him that your relationship is in crisis. The ball is in his court. Don't back down.